Another Random Review: All The MiO Flavors
What Is MiO?
Now that people are getting fatter but still wish to give off the impression of dieting, many new marketing products have begun to hit the store shelves as companies cash in on the latest diet fads. I am writing from experience as I am a fat guy myself who likes to use MiO and other diet drinks as a substitute for actual dieting and exercise. One of the major benefits however, is that it will cut at least 1000 calories from your daily caloric intake--assuming you're like me and drink a lot of liquids and always need them to taste sugary-sweet.
MiO is just the latest in a long line of products that attempt to flavor water, making it drinkable for those of us who would never otherwise drink a glass of plain old boring tasteless water. The beauty, as I mentioned, is that instead of drinking sugar, dextrose, and a myriad of other ingredients meant to fatten you up, instead you are merely drinking harmless chemicals like propylene glycol, whatever that is. My guess is that its responsible for the yummy taste so I'll just call it the magic taste enhancer. Actually I believe we have a picture available of the MTE himself (or herself, or itself), which was taken with an electron microscope. I'm telling you, some molecules just can't take a bad picture!
We've all seen Crystal Lite, the powdery substance that you pour into water to make it slightly less water-tasting. Well, MiO revolutionized the entire water enhancing industry by abandoning the antiquated ideas of our forefathers and instead turned to liquid for its enhancing needs. Now, with a simple squirt you can put in as little or as much flavor into your drinks as you want. This becomes problematic with the Energy varieties that claim a squirt has 60 milligrams of caffeine in it since you know, who ever measures things in squirts? I think a squirt is about as official of a measurement as a dollop is. Why don't we all just use dollops of MiO instead? Or pinches?
Alright, in no particular order other than alphabetical, this is the first MiO flavor we're reviewing. I like to use the pronoun 'we' as it sounds more professional, but obviously it's just me. Since the late or early '00's people have been clamoring for any and everything Pomegranate-flavored. This is, of course, because someone somewhere wrote an article linking it to a group of 'superfruits' that are chock full of antioxidants which I'm told prevent Cancer by destroying free radicals. I only know this because my grandmother swore by anything that claimed to be full of antioxidants, going so far as to drink some awful, awful powdered fruit and vegetable mixture every night before bed. She's still dead last I checked so I'm not sure how sold I am on the whole thing.
I once bought pomegranate-orange juice and I have to say it wasn't very good. I mean, I spent 5 dollars on it so clearly I had to choke it down, but I would have preferred any other type of juice. I think that just about sums up my feelings about this particular MiO flavor. It has a real attention-grabbing name, but it just tastes awful. Not to mention that since all these flavors are made in a laboratory they don't exactly contain anything healthy in them. So if you like the flavor of pomegranate, this might be for you. Otherwise, well.. obviously it isn't then.
I give Berry Pomegranate my lowest, and also first, rating ever of 1/2 an egg-shaped container out of 5.
This is going to sound like a surprise, but this flavor generally tastes just like fruit punch. There are some flavors that are hard to perfect using chemicals in a laboratory such as grape or cherry, but apparently fruit punch is not one of them. Actually, I don't even know what fruit punch is. Is that the blue one or is that tropical punch? According to Google, its 'a punch made of fruit juices mixed with water or soda water'. That of course is not any help at all. I think it's strawberry--we'll just say its strawberry.
So strawberry MiO is good. It isn't overpowering, but neither is it so weak that you feel you have to squeeze the whole bottle into your glass either. That's a problem with some of these flavors, but strawberry does alright for itself. I'm not really sure what else to say. If you've had Kool-Aid Fruit Punch then you already know what this tastes like.
I give Strawberry a rating of 3 egg-shaped containers out of 5.
Full disclosure: I only bought this flavor because I thought it was Orange Tangerine. You can see how anyone would make that mistake considering mango is just another name for orange. At least I think it is. I don't really know what a mango is actually. Anyhow, this was a pretty good flavor. It wasn't orange tangerine-good, but it was something. I've always liked peaches. Well, not if they're too hard or crunchy. But if they're just right I can really go for one. Not instead of candy or cake or anything like that. But if it was a choice between an apple or a peach I could totally see myself probably picking the peach. I would say this is probably the second or third best MiO flavor.
I give Orange.. er, Mango Peach a rating of 4 egg-shaped containers out of 5.
I. Love. Orange. I love orange anything. Here's a good way to make something I like: make it orange-flavored. I also think orange must be particularly easy to duplicate in laboratories because every time I eat orange-flavored candy or drinks they always taste good. Take grape as a good contrast where it seems to be nigh impossible to duplicate the flavor. Which could explain why MiO has not attempted a grape flavor except for Arctic Grape--but that's a MiO Fit flavor, and I have no idea what MiO Fit is. My guess is that it contains ginseng. Doesn't it seem like everything marketed as healthy or 'fortified' has at least a little ginseng in it?
I give Orange Tangerine a million egg-shaped containers out of 5.
Peach Tea & Sweet Tea
I actually only purchased Peach Tea, and only because both Orange Tangerine and Mango Peach were all out. Yeah, I don't shop at a particularly good store. Peach Tea was actually a lot better than I thought it would be, considering tea is usually pretty awful being tea and all. But with peach tea all you can really taste is the 'crispness' of the tea and peach flavoring. I would compare it to Peach Snapple, which as we all know, is very yummy.
If you are wondering what Sweet Tea tastes like, I imagine you can just reread the last paragraph but ignore the word 'peach' in every sentence. I mean, it's just tea, right? Replace the peach flavor with more fake sugar and you got sweet tea.
I give Peach Tea & Sweet Tea a rating of 2 1/2 egg-shaped containers out of 5.
I like Strawberry. I.. well, tolerate Watermelon. Surely this is a match made in taste bud Heaven. But it's not and I'll tell you why. The strawberry flavor tastes too much like cherry and the watermelon flavor tastes too much like bubblegum. Basically I'm saying this tasted like cherry bubblegum, which while good for chewing, isn't so good for drinking. Now that I think about it--what is bubblegum supposed to taste like? I think watermelon. This flavor also left a bad taste in the back of my mouth whenever I took a big gulp. And I only take big gulps so there were a lot of bad tastes. It was not as bad as Berry Pomegranate, but I think I'd still rather just drink water. And that's just disgusting.
I give Cherry Bubblegum a rating of 1 egg-shaped container out of 5.
Have you ever had lemonade before and it was too sweet, or perhaps too sour, or maybe it just didn't taste very lemony to you? I'm not going to name names--coughCrystal Litecough--but sometimes there is this nasty chemical aftertaste that comes from lemonade. However, MiO's Lemonade flavor has none of these issues! It's sweet, but a good kind of sweet; it's not sour at all actually; and the only aftertaste is of cool, refreshing lemons. If only MiO had a blueberry flavor, we could mix blueberry and lemonade to create what I only assume would be a very yummy flavor.
Still, it gets a few points taken away because its, well.. its lemonade. I mean, who actually goes to the store thinking 'I gotta get me some fake lemonade to drink with my other fatty foods'? Have you ever bought a medium pepperoni pizza and a tube of Pringles and then tried to down it all with a gallon of lemonade? Well, I have and I would have preferred milk. Hmm.. milk-flavored water. I might have to tell MiO about that one.
I give Lemonade a rating of 3 egg-shaped containers out of 5.
You know what sounds really bad when mixed together? Blueberries and lemons. Honestly, before MiO I never even heard of blueberry lemonade before. At a certain point its hard to know where the blueberries end and the lemons begin. However, blueberry lemonade is good. Very good. Four egg-container good. I'm not saying you'll want to squeeze a whole bunch into your glass, because it definitely becomes overpowering quickly. But if you like your water uh, watered down, you'll definitely like blueberry lemonade. This is also good since it lets you portion MiO out and have it last longer. Also, and this is just a tip from me: blueberry lemonade mixes well with Orange Tangerine to create some sort of super fruit concoction.
I give Blueberry Lemonade 4 1/2 egg-shaped containers out of 5.
Remember how at the beginning I introduced the worst MiO flavor ever, called Berry Pomegranate? Well, apparently I was wrong. There's really only one good way to describe the flavor of cherry blackberry. Remember when you were younger and you got sick and your mother gave you Robitussin cough syrup and you would almost gag? Well, if for some reason you actually like the flavor of cough syrup--or maybe you're just reminiscent of your childhood days, then this is definitely the MiO for you. I would rather drink hard tap water with little specks of rust in it than this. And I have. Ah, my sister doesn't have very good water.
I give Cherry Blackberry minus a million egg-shaped containers out of 5.
MiO Energy: Black Cherry
That's right. I'm even going to review the "energy" MiO's. And by energy I of course mean that they contain more caffeine in a single egg-shaped triangle than in 10 cups of coffee. Ah, which isn't to say you should be squirting the whole triangle into your morning coffee. That would probably kill you. But if you're like me and you want to drink coffee but hate the flavor, these are definitely for you. Well, not this one--Black Cherry is just, just awful. There must be something about cherry that MiO can't seem to figure out how to do correctly. I was blaming the blackberry for the awful Cherry Blackberry but maybe my anger should have been directed at the cherries instead! Still, it's caffeine and when you need your morning 'fix' you could do a lot worse. Like, you could drink coffee.
I give MiO Energy: Black Cherry 1 1/2 egg-shaped containers out of 5. But make no mistake, the 1/2 is only because it has my precious caffeine.
MiO Energy: Green Thunder
Green Thunder, green thunder, green thunder. Hmm.. what does that remind me of? Oh that's right--Mountain Dew! Green Thunder is a lemon-lime flavored drink mix that contains 60 milligrams of caffeine per serving. What that means is that you'll probably want 3 squirts to get your daily coffee-caffeine equivalent. Which is not bad really, considering that still means you get a full 8 days of caffeine in one tiny triangle--more if you want less caffeine.
Overall, green thunder does taste like flat Mountain Dew that's been sitting out for a day or two. This doesn't sound good, but I actually love MD so anything that can be compared to it is alright with me!
I give MiO Energy: Green Thunder 3 1/2 egg-shaped containers out of 5.
It's Cranberry, what do you think? With all due respect to Ocean Spray and their Cran-Raspberry juice, no one wants to put cranberries in their drinks. Cranberries are meant to be eaten and even then only once a year on Thanksgiving. That is all I have to say about that.
I hope you enjoyed my MiO reviews as much as I enjoyed drinking all the MiO. Well, except for the flavors that are just awful. I know that all tastes are subjective of course, and what my taste buds hate yours may love. So tell me your thoughts in the comments and also take the poll.Tell me what YOUR favorite flavor is!