- Mental Health
Are You An Insecure Person?
Have you ever been an insecure person, and what triggered you to be this way? I have always felt myself to be insecure, although over the years I have improved. I have a number of theories as to why we become insecure and would like to hear your thoughts on why you may believe that you, or a friend/family member became insecure, and if you/they managed to get over it.
Now I am far from an expert on dealing with insecurities, but can speak from my own experiences, and explain how and why I feel my insecurity etched itself into my whole personality.
I believe it began when I was very young, and having a very sick older Father (56 when I was born), who due to his illness could be completely irrational to live with. It quickly became obvious to me even as a very young child that my Father would always defend my older Sister in any row her and I might be having, even if he hadn't got a clue what the row was about. I became absolutely convinced my older Sister was the favourite in our family, and I was hurt and couldn't understand why this should be.
Years passed, and by the time I went to Secondary School I had grown into a well brought up 11 year old girl in spite of never getting on with my Father. Needless to say my first day at Secondary School was a real eye-opener for me, and having come from a family where swearing was unheard of, I was suddenly surrounded by children in my age group who swore every few words.To say this was a culture shock was an understatement. I never really did fit in at school, probably because of my upbringing, and I simply refused to swear, smoke underage, cheek teachers or skip lessons. I soon became an outcast, and was accused of being posh, a snob and a wimp (I was always very skinny). I was an easy target for bullying, not only by the children of my own age, but also by the older kids, and all in all my school years were a miserable affair, although I am proud to say I left with good qualifications and without having underage sex as most of my school-friends seemed to have done.
The problem with having gone through school surrounded by people who bullied me or teased me, was that when I left I was lacking in much self-confidence, and was easily intimidated. By this time my Father had died and although this had been a relief to a large degree, (believe me he a really bad tempered man), it still meant I had no Father figure type influence to look up to.
I then discovered a social life, and found a group of "Teddy Girls and Boys" (50's and 60's style Rock'n'Rollers), to hang out with. This was great at first, and I really began to enjoy myself, and then the problems began all over again. I discovered one of the Teddy Girls in our crowd was the same older girl who had bullied me at school a few years earlier. I don't know if she remembered me, but her personality hadn't changed, and I was soon being bullied by her again on occasion, only this time she beat me up several times. As I was not a large build, and had no clue about fighting, I ended up with black eyes and all sorts. My Mum was going spare at me, and I was a nervous wreck, but refused to stop going out in the evenings as I loved my dancing and my social life too much.
Things got worse when the lead singer of the band chatted me up, and as he was a man in his mid 30's when I was still a naïve virgin teenager, I fell for all his charm and had an affair with him. The guy was married, and although at the time I knew what I was doing was wrong, I was completely carried away by the fact this guy had paid me, yes me, attention. Of course things could only get worse then, and when the affair came out all hell broke loose, and I was bullied even more, plus he no longer wanted anything to do with me. I guess I saw him as some kind of Father figure to replace the fact I never really had a proper Father to look up to.
My family were disgusted with me, and suddenly I couldn't get on with them at all, so I moved out leaving my Mum and my Sister living in the house alone.
Finally, at the age of 18, after a failed suicide attempt, I decided I had been through enough, and I moved to the UK. This was a great idea at the time, but ultimately it didn't change the insecure person I had become, and I went on to a series of failed relationships, including three years with one man who hit me constantly and had got married to another girl whilst engaged to me, then carried on seeing me straight afterwards. By the time I finally ended the violent relationship I would flinch if anyone even moved suddenly around me, it was a natural reflex to avoid being hit.
I think on some subconscious level I must have begun to feel I didn't deserve a decent man, as virtually every man I got serious about after this went on to be unfaithful to me behind my back. My Mum always said I was 'a bad picker'.
Two other men in relationships hit me after the first one, but by this time I was becoming more angry about this kind of treatment, so hit them back. After losing the one decent man I found and married, to Bowel Cancer, I suffered terrible spite at the hands of his oldest Son (see my Hub: http://hubpages.com/hub/Bowel-Cancer-Stole-My-Husband-at-48-Years-Old ). I then decided it was time to go back to Guernsey to be near my family, at which point I met up with the original man who had been the lead singer in the band all those years ago.
I made the mistake of getting involved with him again, even though it was now 13 years later. He was now single, two marriages later, and he still had something that appealed to me. We moved to Tenerife, and then my life went steadily downhill again, (see my Hub: http://hubpages.com/hub/My-Ex-was-a-Control-Freak ).
He made my life a misery, and in the end we split up two and a half years later. He abandoned me in Tenerife, and left me virtually at the point of a nervous breakdown.
I eventually managed to get myself back to Guernsey some months later, but it was a shadow of the former me that arrived on my Mum and Step-Dad's doorstep.
Now over the three and a half years since I returned I have obviously managed to pull myself together largely, although I do still suffer from depression (See my Hub: http://hubpages.com/hub/How-to-Recognise-the-Symptoms-of-Depression ). The main problem I have is that I have been left such an insecure person, with a huge need to be liked and approved of.
I now find I am totally paranoid that people don't like me, or are angry with me. I always doubt my Husband will stay with me long term, or be faithful to me, even though he constantly tells me how much he loves me and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
If someone says something nasty to me, or about me, I take it really personally, and end up with a cold pit of misery in my stomach for days afterwards. If a lie is told about me I can't rest until I feel the truth has been proven to the people who heard the lie, which is not always possible, so leaving me dwelling on the problem for months, or even years afterwards.
I carry a lot of bitterness around with me towards those who have hurt me, and again feel unable to move on unless they get their Karmic justice somewhere along the way and I hear about it.
I have trust issues, and avoid getting too close to friends in case they let me down or I lose them.
If I do inadvertently upset someone I feel awful, and cannot rest until the damage has been put right and we are 'friends' again.
I have a low opinion of myself, and feel like I have not made a success of my life and have little to show for it.
Dealing with my insecurities is never easy, and I am always battling with them. I have been helped by the fact I now have a very supportive Step-Father, and he has helped me immensely, and of course I have a loving Husband, but I doubt I will ever be the 'normal' secure and confident person I would like to be. I am a product of my own experiences, and I fear it is now too late for me to do anything other than live with this fact and cope with it as best I can.