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Angry Teenagers With Teen Autism: Asperger's Syndrome; ADHD; Autistic Spectrum Disorders Are For Life - A True Story

Updated on March 22, 2013

Yes, Autistic Spectrum Disorders are definitely for life and not just for Christmas. What this hub is about, however, is living with an adolescent who has Asperger's Syndrome. This is our life since Christmas - it is now 12th March 2010.

All teen's are rebellious. Children's behaviour changes and becomes more intensified as they are on the brink of this adolescent disorder called growing up. Problems with teens and living with parents can lead to conflict within the household. Adolescent problems include defiance, moodiness, being withdrawn and head strong. Now, imagine being a parent who has a young person not only with usual teenager's problems, but also has asperger's syndrome or a teenager with adhd. These types of conditions emphasises adolescence further. It almost as if you are dealing with alien being or an adolescent disorder! Don't get confused - mix adolescence with asperger's or adhd, you are dealing with a different beast altogether!

As you will probably know, adhd and Asperger's Syndrome (lots of people under the spectrum also have ADHD, although ADHD isn't classed under ASD on its own) is classified under the umbrella of autistic spectrum disorders. If you want to learn more click here for details. However, this social story has been borne out of frustration and it is hoped that others who are going through the same may feel that they are not on their own.

Dan - He loves The Beatles!
Dan - He loves The Beatles!

Dan is a Troubled Teenager... Dan Has Asperger's Syndrome!

Roll up! Roll up! Roll up for the magical mystery tour… step this way…

Magical mystery tour? More like a roller coaster! Dan has asperger’s autism. I now find myself calling him Dan. He was born Daniel but he is no longer the child that was - Dan is one of those troubled teenagers. He doesn't have ADHD, but he does have much of the symptoms.

He is now a young man, nearly 16, with complex needs. Everyone calls him Dan. Apparently he likes to be called Dan.  He was always Daniel to me but he isn't the boy he used to be, so I guess he is now just Dan.

Rebellious Teen - there isn't much you can do about it, anyway!

These last few months have been hell living within the world of an Aspie - adolescent problems are exasperated with this condition. Yes, indeed the magical mystery tour is a roller coaster of emotion. Here I write this in a whirl pit of self-pity. This disgusts me – I am always so strong. Take a deep breath and ready for the big dippppppppppper!

How have we managed over the years? I am thinking as he punches my younger son in the chest for ‘being derogatory’. Why do I not feel anything? What is worse, why does Chrissie just accept the punch? Obviously, I have let him down. He has grown up to know that this is just normal in his life – he knows no better! Rebellious teens eh?  This is more than that.  This is unreasonable abuse!  I later asked Christian how he felt about the behaviour and the told me that there wasn't much anyone could do about it anyway!  Sad eh?

I have learned not to hurt but the tear from my eye ooze, so there must be something there?

Whoe!  On our way down, there is no turning back!
Whoe! On our way down, there is no turning back!
I have been walking on egg shells for years, now it is worse than ever!
I have been walking on egg shells for years, now it is worse than ever!

Adolescent Disorder - You Tell Me!

“Go to your room!” I command Dan and, with a huff, he goes. He comes down again and says sorry but I coldly send him back up again. I really can’t be doing with the blah blah blah, explaining the whys and wherefores - all the counselling crap. Done that, been there and worn the t-shirt!  An adolescent disorder?  You tell me!

We have had a hard day. We viewed residential educational establishment for September especially for young people with Asperger’s and autistic spectrum disorders. Fingers crossed that they can accept him. He really needs help! We really need to be safe and I need to keep my sanity, which is kept together on a short thread.  Dan is fed up with living with parents - he wants out!

Drunken, Adolescent and Disorderly

Since Christmas, we have had three temporary exclusions (the latest last week where he was nearly permanently excluded), two alcohol incidents, two involvements with police, numerous detentions, an addiction to cigarettes, a ban on the City centre and two violent outbursts, lots of mental torture and a partridge in a pear tree!

So roll up, roll up and step this way… the magical mystery tour is hoping to take you away, waiting to take you away… take you today!

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Why not treat yourself to a better autistic understanding by clicking:

The Problem With Teens - Blame It On The Parents!

Did you know that we eat two spiders a year whilst we sleep? We leave our mouths open at night and the spiders hide out in there. We then subconsciously gobble them up! How would Paul McCartney feel to learn this fact when he is a vegetarian?! This was one of the conversations that disturbed Dan. He is obsessed with the Beatles… guns… Hitler…and racial hatred. But I guess some might blame the parents for that – well, it has to come from somewhere, after all!

This can be so far away from the truth. I have a happy hippy heart. I believe in life, love and tolerance to all. I know that is still the essence of me. But when I’m around Dan, I’m on the roller coaster.

On our way up!  Feel the drag behind.
On our way up! Feel the drag behind.
I am the walrus... gook gook ga chu!
I am the walrus... gook gook ga chu!

Teenagers with Asperger's & ADHD Can't Cope with Adolescents

We struggle up to the top. It is hard as you hear the clatter, clatter of the chains pulling the carriages up. Once on top of positive hill, all is fine and dandy. Things will be all right; Dan can actually be good company! Then I hold on tight and doooooooooown we go. The pancreas hits the throat. Flop.

Dan’s done this… the school can’t cope… I have to go to school to escort him to lessons because he can’t trust himself (and frankly, no one else does either!). We quickly rise to the peak on the coaster – things will be better if I take control, this is what he wants! Up, up and away! Back up to positive hill. Dan gets angry. Dan can’t cope. Dan wants me out! Dooooooooooooooooooooooown we go! And the ride keeps on going and going and going – let me off! I can’t do this anymore!

Challenging Behaviour That Challenges The Carer

Asperger's Syndrome... ADHD... Autistic Spectrum Disorder... Behaviours to mystify and challenge those who care for this hidden disability.  So... Roll up! Roll up! Roll up for the mystery tour! The magical mystery tour is coming to take you away, coming to take you away... take you today. Errh, no thanks. I think I just want a bit of predictability for a while. Roll on September!

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    • Lynda Gary profile image

      Lynda Gary 7 years ago

      I feel your pain. Been there (am there), doing that. But, you and I have a different perspective (though I certainly have felt, many times, the way you do now).

      I specialize in ... well, I'll let you check into that on your own, if you're interested. Going to send you a quick email...

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 7 years ago from Great Britain

      Linda.... thanks for reading. Its the fight... fighting the system (to keep him within it), fighting to get the best for him, fighting to help him help himself, intervention and keeping my younger boys safe, the defragmented family unit, the manipulation from a high functioning young man, the lack of freedom (he cant be left on his own, he isn't safe), the everyday fight (nagging... get out of bed, eat your breakfast... on and on and on and on).

      Despite all the sacrifice and the fight to help him... he hates me. He is consumed with hate and I am tired.

      Hey... Its ok...positive hill is around the corner and this is just a glitch.

      Thanks for reading x

      The younger boy is also insulin dependant diabetic since 18 months old - this has been difficult in itself, but is lucky to have him survive. Just need some peace, that's all.

    • Pamela99 profile image

      Pamela Oglesby 7 years ago from United States

      This is a horrible strain on your whole family and possibly if you can find some temporary solutions, Dan's adolescent hormones will calm down at some point. You would think a particular diet or medication would help but I am sure you have done everything you can think of. I am a Christian and will pray for your family and hope that is not offensive. It just feels like you need a power greater than yourself to get through this difficult time. I am so sorry your family, including Dan, is going through this hell right now. I hope someone that knows more than I can help you.

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 7 years ago from Great Britain

      Hi Pamela. Dan is on a gluten free diet - additive free.

      There is no conclusion - this has been going on for years. I am sure that a higher force is looking after us. We have got this far! It has been a difficult path.

      Most parents want their kids to go to university, have a good job etc... but I would just be happy for Dan to become at peace, live life without harming anyone and hold down a job (living independently). If he turns out like that, I wont mind the hardship that we as a family have entailed. This would be good.

      I just think I have come to the end of the journey here.

      ... once upon a time there lived a frog and a scorpion. The frog was in the pond and the scorpian wanted to cross. He asked the frog if he could give him a piggy back - he didn't want to get wet. The frog said 'If I give you a piggy back, you might sting me'. The scorpion said 'well that wouldn't be within my interest because we will both drown'. Taking this into consideration, the frog agreed to help the scorpion across the pond.

      Half way across the frog felt a pinch. The scorpion had stung him. He said 'Why did you do that, I was helping you?' The scorpion smiled as they sank into the water and said 'It's in my nature!'

    • hubby7 profile image

      hubby7 7 years ago from Chicago

      Well written. Thanks for sharing.

    • Green Lotus profile image

      Hillary 7 years ago from Atlanta, GA

      Dear Shaz. I had never heard of Asperger's Syndrome. Your story is so moving I am at a loss for words. I can tell you are a fighter but I also think you are a healer. I wish you all love and the peace you deserve.

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 7 years ago from Great Britain

      @Hubby7 thanks for taking the time to read.

      Green Lotus - It is meant to be. This is a challenge that has been set out for me. I am doing my work, but that is not to say that the task set out for me isn't difficult. When the story of Dan's growing up has come to pass, and if he 'does no harm' to others when he is an adult, then he will have learned and my work would have been done.

      I just need to hold on...

      Thanks for reading my green friend x

    • brianzen profile image

      Brian 7 years ago

      Hang in there it gets easier with age. Some of us are born rebellious and I think it can be emulating a powerful parent in the wrong way. (NOT BLAME) just maybe be flattered that they get a strong will from us. (And use it to terrorize others)

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 7 years ago from Great Britain

      Yes Brianzen... Thanks for your comment.

      I know the whys and wherefores - I have been understanding for years - used good techniques, love and provided a stable household (more than most, anyway - Dan's jelous of my youngest son's attention when he is in hypo state - he doesn't understand that without treatment, he can die!). This is sybling rivalry gone mad. There is no reasoning and logic to it. But that is aspergers for you!

      You will be the first to know the impact on the family with someone with autism - I know you have lived it too! I am human and tired.

      Being wrapped up in self pitty sickens me! I will pull myself together and do what I have always done - get on with it! I've made my bed, I will lay on it and just wait for the tides of change.

      BTW, I must say, you are doing marvellously with your hubbing progress - well done! x

    • missmaudie profile image

      missmaudie 7 years ago from Brittany, France

      This must be very hard for you.My nephew has Asperger's syndrome and he thinks so differently to the rest of us. It is a high end autism though so I'm sure Dan's IQ is pretty high (not that that is much comfort to you now). I'm just reading The curious incident of the dog in the night time by Mark Haddon, have you ever read it? It's about a boy of 15 with Asperger's and it is good insight into the way children with it think.

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 7 years ago from Great Britain

      Thanks for your lovely comment. Yes Dan has a high IQ. He can blow my mind with some of his written work and his documentary knowledge is pretty fantastic.

      I haven't heard of the book you recommended, but I do remember someone talking about a book about a dog. I am not sure if this is the one. I will look out for this one - it might help him. Thanks for your kind suggestionx

    • Ann Nonymous profile image

      Ann Nonymous 7 years ago from Virginia

      I have read several books about children and young adults suffering from autism and know some personally as well.

      You captured many issues right on the head with this great hub,Shaz...thanks for getting the word out!

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 7 years ago from Great Britain

      Ann.. Well if you live it, you know it! lol We are at positive hill at the moment... until the next time!

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 7 years ago from Great Britain

      As I am writing here on positive hill, I have Dan in front of me - he is playing the guitar and is hitting all the right notes. He is self taught and the sound is as clear as a bell. The song he is playing is the Boxer Rebellion's flashing Red lights means go.

      So what is this thing called Aspergers? A genius wrapped up in a whirl pool of confusion.

    • Rafini profile image

      Rafini 7 years ago from Somewhere I can't get away from

      shazwellyn - what hit me the hardest was reading about Dan hitting his younger brother. My son, David, did the same thing and I was always worried that someday my youngest, Dylan, would start beating on David! Dylan is such a calm and understanding soul, but he did get tired of the abuse to the point of almost hitting back. By the time David was 18, most of his anger was spent - he still yells & breaks his own things, but doesn't take it out on people anymore.

      I also identified with the "roller coaster of emotions". That began for me by the time David was 6 years old. (my childhood & a miserable marriage contributed) Just remember to always take care of yourself, and realize - It will get better. :)

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 7 years ago from Great Britain

      Oh Rafini! Chrissie, the youngest, just accepts it - it is his normality and it is this that upsets me too. You know that it wouldn't surprise me, and I dont know your individual situation, that David contributed to the miserable marriage? Behaviour problems have a great straine on a relationship - been there, done that and worn the tshirt!

      Thanks for commenting :)

    • Rafini profile image

      Rafini 7 years ago from Somewhere I can't get away from

      shazwellyn - although I wouldn't mind believing it, I know David didn't contribute to my marriage situation. Sadly, it was too late when I realized what everyone had said was true - re: be careful & know who you date, have sex with, marry. When I finally accepted the fact that our values would never match, I left. David was 6, had been on Ritalin for 2 years - life was good! :)

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      God bless you for being able to keep a sense of humor about the whole thing. Some days that is all we have left, isn't it? You battles with Dan remind me of my son's adolescence. He turned 18 yesterday. The fact the he made it this far alive is a major victory!

      I vote for doing what you must to regain/preserve sanity in your household -- your own and your other children's.

      As you said, we supermoms gotta stick together. Power on! MM

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 7 years ago from Great Britain

      Rafini... I hope you have found happiness now x

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 7 years ago from Great Britain

      Thanks mighty mom... You see, I know how it feels - lets stick together and join the rollercoaster of life!xx

    • MPG Narratives profile image

      Marie Giunta 7 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      Shaz, how incredible you are. I know of two Aspies, one of whom is an adolescent now, and both are passive with only a few outbursts and tantrums occasionally. My heart goes out to you and send you all my strength to get you through. Children are pleasure and pain when they are 'normal' so adding Asperger's is just explosive in your situation. I'm sure deep down Dan does love you.

      Oh, I've read "The curious incident of the dog in the night time" by Mark Haddon and although not easy to read it does give you an insight into how Aspie's think.

      Your writing is so passionate and hey, sometimes just wallow in self pity if it helps. xxooxx Marie

    • profile image

      JB1310 7 years ago

      I agree with MPG Narratives - I have a 15 year old son with Aspergers who only "loses it" now and then. But you can't keep it together all the time. You sound like a very strong woman who is trying to do the best for all your children. Thanks for writing your story and I hope your family gets the help you need.

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 7 years ago from Great Britain

      Marie... We have been on an up the last two weeks, so has been nice to feel happy again. However, the rollercoaster is just starting to dip as from yesterday morning - he is at it again! I am not sure whether to pull him out of school - he has got in with a heroin user! So, arms up for the roller coaster... ready? Here we goooooooooo..... !

      Thanks for stopping by and being so kind x

      p.s. I have an article soon to be released about asperger girls where I have made a revelation *wink* x

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 7 years ago from Great Britain

      JB1310 - They are all very individual, aren't they? I know why guy with aspergers and he wouldn't hurt a fly! Funny eh? What is really difficult is, with all of Dan's problems, the 'system' fights parents too. It is like we are emotional punchbags!

      Anyway, downward and upward! Thanks for reading :)

    • profile image

      Baileybear 7 years ago

      My son is an Aspie of the inflexible-explosive kind. I've been reading The Explosive Child, which is enlightening. I am fearful of what becoming a teen may involve. That's a while away. He punched some kids in the head when I did a test-run with an additive I know induces rage - gave 1 a black-eye and other some bruising on head. Is only 7. Diet helps a lot but not completely. Understand what it is like to get the blame as a parent

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 7 years ago from Great Britain

      Arh... Bailey.. If it is any help, they start 'normalising' by the age of 21. As an Asperger woman... you have to see your son as a 'project' and master up lots of strength so as you can get the best for him by the system or multi disciplinary team. I will be writing a hub about that shortly... so keep an eye :)

    • profile image

      Baileybear 7 years ago

      So the teen years are the most rocky?

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 7 years ago from Great Britain

      Bailey... each person's experiences are different. There is the added complication of the 'personality' mix with Asperger's (not to mention the gender differences!). I know some boys that are isolates but are very passive. Dan is passive/aggressive. He tends to adopt other people's identities and become like them. It really does demonstrate behaviour that is relevant to his enviromental influences (the people he mixes with, the behaviours generated). He has a conflict as to who he is.. he is trying to find himself which is very confusion for these young people because they have a missing understanding of socialisation.

      For us it has been a rollercoaster from day one really. We are on a home straight at the moment but that is because Dan doesn't have the pressure of social interaction at the moment. He has now finished his exams and will be going to a specialist college for Asperger's kids.

      Hope that helps and look out for how I managed to get the support in further education that Daniel needed to get the best education for him to fulfill his potential!

    • profile image

      Sara M 6 years ago

      I've read your posts and the comments with great interest. I see everything's a year old. What happened next? Did he start in the residential school? How's that working out?

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 6 years ago from Great Britain

      Thank you Sara M. Yes, there are other articles as to what happened next...

      I have not writing too much recently. This may be an indication that my entrapment in the home has ceased. Dan is away in a place where he can be watched, leaving me free. There are programmes being put in place to help with his disability, although he has a long way to go (he is still a danger to himself and others) I have faith that he will 'normalise' with time.

      Thank you for reading and I wish you well :)

    • profile image

      neegagner 5 years ago

      I am on that awful roller coaster right now. I have to say, I can SO relate to your article. My 16 y.o. son is, as I type this, on his way to the police station on foot for the umpteenth time. I phoned ahead this time, called when he left the house so that I do not have to (hopefully) go through the 3rd degree over the accusations that he makes to them. I do not think I can go through another 12 hours in the emergency room waiting for someone to show up to evaluate him, only to be sent home. My son is just like yours in that he can be the sweetest, most loving boy and then BAM! if he is asked to do something he does not want to or if you look at him in a way that he thinks is wrong, our world explodes. My husband, myself and both of my other sons have been injured during his rages. We live in a 200 y.o. house and I cannot tell you how many holes are in the walls, antique doors destroyed (one tonight), personal items broken (his and everyone else's), etc.

      I have been fighting for this child since he was 2 years old. He was diagnosed as severely autistic at that age by a team of doctors at Children's Hospital Boston. We were very fortunate to get some incredible intervention very early on. We have had to hire attorneys, repeatedly, to fight the schools.

      You think that you are doing everything that you can to give this child a better life and there are times (more than not) when you wonder why. Intellectually, I KNOW that he cannot help most of his behavior, but, heck, I am only human and I can only take so much . . . . sorry to go on, but I just want to have a peaceful existence or at least a less chaotic one.

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 5 years ago from Great Britain

      neegagner - Oh my, how I empathise! What you need to understand is that the 'professionals' will never actually 'get it'. So, the only way to get through this is by empowering yourself. This means you need to 'manage' them, rather than they 'managing' you. Instead of 'fighting the school', for example, try using the gratitude tact.

      I have found this has helped to gain allies and, ultimately, get what I wanted to help my son. Say things like... 'of course, you are the Professionals and have a wealth of experience and expertise - I really do value this'.. then have a plan that you might like to try in place and ask them what they think.

      You plant the seed to be empowered whilst getting over the proverbial 'Professional egotism'.

      It might help if you remind them, subtly, that all your concern is for your son and he is at the centre and his behaviour suggests that he isn't happy. We need to get to the bottom of his unhappiness. All you want is for him to fulfill his full potential, be a good citizen and do no harm.

      This is a great focus point and, at the end of the day, you need help with this which means Professional intervention.

      Dont give up. Believe me there is hope! I have been through it and am coming out of the other side. It was imperative to get my son into some form of specialist residential education so as he would achieve his potential, rather than be a menace to society - does that make sense?

      This article explains why you need to seek specialist support:

      This article will help you with difficulties associated with the system. It is formulated on the UK system, but I am sure you will be able to get much out of this article:

      And this is my personal account in how we succeeded in helping Dan:

      I will write an update on where we are up to now Dan is 17 and how much headway we are now making with him. Remember, your son needs to learn 'consequences of actions' now, rather than suffer at the criminal justice system later.

      I hope this helps and, with blessings, I know you will find the strength to get through.

      Let you be granted the peace you are wishing for :)

    • profile image

      BKF 4 years ago

      Uncanny. Mine (now 17.5) has all the same anger and defiance, and the bewildering negativity. He's anti-female - gets angry watching movies depicting strong female characters, and for a time would throw it all at me. (he didn't get this from his parents) As his father, I feel like I'm constantly under assault -- either from his pedantic rants directly, or from all the negative emotions (sadness, anger, frustration, fear, confusion) he leaves in his wake. But thanks for posting this -- good to see I'm not entirely alone!

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 4 years ago from Great Britain

      BFK - in my experience, it is more common than you think! I leave my husband to deal with him now.... he never kicks off when he is around!

      Good luck, my friend!

    • profile image

      aspielucy 4 years ago


      as I have sat here and read all of these postings it has made my heart sad for your entire family. My heart aches for you as a mother, and it aches for Dan's as a fellow aspergian sufferer. I have a little girl who just turned 8 that is autistic, diagnosed around 20 months. I lived with a little girl that had very little speech at one time, that seemed to hate me and took all of her anger out on me to the point that when I woke up in the morning I never knew what to expect from her. It did upset and affect my son who will soon be 6 as well. It put a tremendious amount of strain on my entire family. I will be 35 in January and I just learned that I have Asperger's myself which explains much of my different ways (I'm being nice here lol) It has been very hard to learn that everything I did growing up that seemed to be normal (to me) wasn't. I don't have may friends, never did. Now I know why. To be honest I don't know what is worse...knowing why your are different or 'not' knowing why you are different. My daughter BTW is doing well!! She takes medication that helps her with her anger and has helped her to learn to talk, potty train, show emotion (towards us) in a loving manner. I am so proud of her!!!! It seems that ALL of us on the spectrum deal with a great deal of anger, depression, and anxiety. As I read what other "normal" parents have wrote about their children it saddens me (for them) and scares me (for my family and myself) because is this how my family see's me and my daughter? It would kill me to think this is how I made or make my family feel to date. I never blamed my daughter for the way she was, I just felt so alone because no matter what I did for her she never seemed to like or want anything to do with me. It has been just in the past couple of years that she has really showed me that she DOES love me and want me around. It was a blessing for me to learn this!!!!! :) Just as I am learning about autism and Asperger's (for me and for her) I know her behavior had nothing to do with me personally, as mine was never meant to hurt those I love. I am very sorry to this day for all the heartache I have caused my family and my children! I am studying a lot, and in counceling as well so that I can learn how to be more socially correct. I have to say it is hard!! Uncomfortable! And feels somewhat like learning to live a lye :( But, I will learn and won't give up because I want to be as normal as possible for my husband and family, and I want to teach her too. I don't blame anyone for what they have said on these posts. It just opened my eyes alittle more as to how people still see 'us'. In being that I'm high functioning Asperger's I understand most everything. But, I did miss the boat on being and acting in a way that is accepted. I do miss social cues and misread many things. That is why I am where I am today and why I am seeking the help I am. I want to go back to school so that I can help others like me and my daughter, and to also help educate people about this syndrom. There are many misconceptions that people make in regards to things we do, or behaviors we have...the only way others that aren't on the spectrum will learn about us is for people like me to help them. I hope that you are doing well? I hope that Dan is as well? :) Is it weird for me to say...I understand how you feel as a mother, and I understand Dan as a fellow person who suffers from this disorder? Just so you know...I am positive Dan loves you :) As I love my Mother (who I put through hell) and I now know my daughter loves me! Please don't give up on taking care of you or Dan? May God Bless and Keep You All always!!!!

    • profile image

      aspielucy 4 years ago

      I just joined this website lol. I just wrote a whole page worth of stuff and (after) joining came back to see if it was here and of course it wasn't. Go figure! lol

      Maybe it is better that the whole thing wasn't posted on here. You may have died of boredom.

      If you do receive it that's great, if not...well that's ok too.

      I am a Mother of two little ones. My daughter is 8 and my son will soon be 6.

      My daughter was diagnosed with autism when she was around 20 months, and I will be 35 this January and just learned that I am Asperger's.

      As I read the postings from all of the different parents and people on here it made me sad for you and your son.

      I feel for you truly as a mother to another mother!! At one time my daughter was very hard for me to handle, and I truly thought she hated me! She always prefered my husband over me. I cryed a lot!! I now know that she does love me and want me around :) She takes medicine that has helped her with her anger and frustration, helped her learn to talk, potty train, and show affection. It was a blessing for her and for us!!!! She can still be a stinker don't get me wrong! lol But she has been released from her prison.

      In reading the posts that were posted It made me sad (for you and the other parents in your shoes) and it made me scared and very sad (for my family and friends) because I wonder if this is how my family and friends see me and her both? It would kill me if I knew that I upset everybody that was and is still my life. I know that Whitney loves me, and I love my Mother (whom I put through hell) because she was the one I chose to go to for comfort in everything.

      I don't know which is worse...not knowing why I have always been different, or knowing!?! I have become painfully aware of how different I really am and this is hard!! I am afraid to say anything when I meet new people for fear I will scare them off, ask too much, say too much, it goes on and on. I actually prefer to stay home and avoid being avoided. I don't have many friends. I never have...which now we know why. I can tell you that almost all of 'us' deal with anger. I don't know why...except maybe it's because of never fitting in, being bullied, shunned, you name it. I am not saying that, that makes it okay for us or anyone for that matter to act out on it! I study a lot, go to counceling, and am trying to learn how to behave in a socially excepted manner. This has proved to be hard, uncomfortable, and at times makes me feel as though I am learning to live a lie. Everything I thought and felt growing up I am learning was wrong. That's hard to face and to deal with! But, I will not give up because I want to learn to be as 'normal' as possible for my husband and family. And I want to teach her, maybe I can make her road she is going to travel alittle easier. I pray!!

      I want you to know that I am postivie your son loves you!!!! I love my family...and never meant for my issues to affect them the way I'm sure that they did. I learned this about my relationship with my daugter as well...her behavior towards me didn't have anything to do with me personally, as my behavior wasn't meant to hurt those I love. I want to go to school to help those like my daughter and myself. There are many misconceptions and misunderstandings in regards to the way 'we' act or do things. I want to help others understand others like me. The best way I can at least.

      I don't blame others for what they posted. Truly! It just makes me sad is all.

      Would it be weird for me to say that I understand you and how you feel because of dealing with an angry child that didn't have speech at the time mother to mother...and that I understand Dan because I live with the same disorder?

      Please don't give up on taking care of yourself? And please don't give up on Dan? He will come around I'm sure :)

      May God Bless and Keep you always!!!!

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 4 years ago from Great Britain

      Hi Lucy, glad that I have read your post and proud to have you post your story here - authors have to approve posts before they can be seen :)

      Since writing this, Dan is making small steps to understanding himself. People with Asperger's syndrome start to 'normalise' (whatever 'normal' is - lol) and is now 18 years old. He is part residential at a specialist education establishment that helps people learn good social skills. He also attends college and is, unbelievably, looking to go to university of music! So the story does get better.

      It seems that the family are ASD inclined. I am an undiagnosed Asperger's girl but, apparently, girls can 'fake it' better than boys which is why Doctors think that it is predominately a male condition. Maybe you have read the other articles?

      I, too, had lots of hang ups as a child and blamed my parents for my 'bad' life - my father is very aspie and over powering, so made me passive and dreamy when I was young. I no longer blame them because they did the best they could, just like I am now. I have learned that the only person anger hurts is yourself and I would much rather feel the love in my life - this I try to seek.

      Thank you for your blessings and hope you feel the love in return from me to you x

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      aspielucy 4 years ago

      Hello again,

      Thank you for writitng back to me :)

      It was nice to here from you, it is comforting to know others out there that are like me in one way or another! I am glad Dan is making steps to improving his life :) I also love mucic, history, and crafting. All very boring I know, but they are things that I can enjoy here at home since I am a stay at home Mom.

      You mentioned how your father was, and my father was (and still can be) very similar. And even at the age of 34 he still forgets that I am no longer a little girl lol.

      Like you I don't blame my parents for the past, I do believe they did the best that they could as well with what they had to work with at that time. I do wish that they were more willing to read and educate themselves more on autism and Asperger's. It would help me feel somewhat more 'normal' and excepted. My Dad and brother were not very accepting of it at first, but I think they may be coming around to it.

      You said you are Aspie too. Can I ask you something? Does it ever get easier? Do people truly ever except others that are not like them? I am proud to be apart of this small community of Aspergian people. We are all very much the same, yet very different at the same time lol. The only thing that bothers me is that I know that the mass majority of the world will never really accept what I am. I have learned to grow fangs in regards to my kids because they are both different and I have seen a repeat in history with how others treat them. It angers me, and I have even gone as far as not allowing them to go to 'typical' activites, because I have seen how they shun Whit and I can't stand it! At first, she didn't realize it, but now she does.

      I know this is probably wrong...but I can't help it.I hope to meet other Aspies? It would finally be nice to "fit in" lol.

      Whitney too is in an autistic program called STACK. It is the best thing that ever happened to her! I wish they had stuff like that when I was in school?

      Again thank you for you kind words and for reading my post!

      Best wishes! ;)

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 4 years ago from Great Britain

      Thank you again, Lucy. Does things get 'easier'? It has got easier for me because I have learned why I was misunderstood - my brain is wired differently!

      I work on why people are the way they are - this is why psychology became my specialist subject. I understand their perspectives or truths of reality and can see why there is a great gap between their truth and mine. I have become accepting as my understanding has grown on a conscious level.

      Friendships are painful to me - I love intensely and try to be my best... thoughtful, considerate and as perfect as possible. I am a good friend, however, when I make a mistake, it seems I am punished and dropped very quickly. I am forgiving to others, but others aren't as forgiving to me and I am used because of my kindness. When this isn't useful to others, there is no more need for me and I am dropped.

      I don't have any friends at the moment. They come into my life for a couple of years then go... I am left licking my wounds. I am, more or less, an 'isolate'. The one consistancy in my life is my husband - he is aspie too and I compensate for his failings and he compensates for mine.

      I accept that I can't 'fake' 'normal' for long periods, so fulfill my personal needs driving people with cancer on a voluntary basis - this makes me feel good, I can be sociable in a designated time in a space which I don't have to give eye contact because I can't drive and show body language whilst doing this action, so noone can suss me out! I hide behind driving and can get away with being 'normal' for short periods of time - only when I am prepared for such social situations.

      You might need to work out your needs and start developing coping mechanisms that will make you happy.

    • t.keeley profile image

      Tim 4 years ago from Seattle, WA

      I maybe didn't follow this hub as intended, it seems to me to be tossed around a bit and hard to follow the intentions. One I did manage to glean from it, though, isn't unique. I think I enjoyed it thoroughly, albeit the intentions are still a bit...lost on me. I'll catch up.

      First, as an aspie of 27 yrs. of age, I was never diagnosed as a kid. First, 1985 was not necessarily the most pro-autism period of time. Autism in any form was often thought a death wish, but it's not. I grew up being maligned by others, scolded by everyone, being called immature and selfish when I'd have an emotional meltdown (to me it always felt like the world was closing in around me, though that realization took me til age 23 to begin to cope with it). Never was properly aided in behavioral therapy, my teachers repeatedly since kindergarten complained about my behavior (yet boasted about my genius?! pick one and stick with it). I threw my desk at my first teacher I ever had, for no reason. I remember the moment vividly, but it's not the only one I can easily reflect back on.

      The nature vs. nurture argument is rather droll, in my opinion. You have a genetic disposition you're born with, and no matter how much environmental factors you try to control, you cannot erase the literal blueprint that transfers into expression (or non-expression, as a red head, that particular loci is switched "on"). Nature trumps nurture nearly every time.

      I'm obviously far from a severe case of an ASD. I work as an ABA therapist mostly with nonverbals, that's a real challenge.

      While I'll say asperger's is a disorder, to me I don't see it as a problem. It's a part of my personality, always has been. Truth is, trying to help aspies TOO much, I feel, is detrimental. There is a personal responsibility and it's not incapable of being discovered and embraced, albeit it was initially a reluctant reaction in my case. Einstein lived before any real proper diagnoses existed and way before people were sympathetic. He managed, albeit with much struggle. I'm not advocating a forced struggle, but I'm definitely not advocating a babysitter mentality either.

      ASD's are being over diagnosed and misdiagnosed as well, leaving those genuinely troubled to fend for themselves while the neurotypicals run amok with their "excuses" (parental excuses, mostly, to keep from being a parent). Until the definitive criterion for diagnostics can be quantified and placed into an organized and concise manner, I am afraid a lot of those truly in need will be, like ADHD has been for a long time now, marginalized to a corner and therefore, in the case of this story of Dan, will not be able to seek or find proper therapy. In the case of his "rebellion", that's just a misconception on everyone's part. Sure, I have had my nose partially removed by my 9 year old student, and yeah, I knew he knew better. But it wasn't rebellion. It was an attempt to communicate. I got the message.

      Keep up the fight (assuming I'm on the right page on this topic and not just rambling about crap irrelevant to your story!). I dunno if it gets better. I've only ever been in my head, my body, and thru my lens of vision and perception. I will say that the roller coaster ride never stops. You just learn to hide your face better. It's what I've done, learned to clam up instead of blowing up, and though I'm never capable of avoiding a meltdown 100%, at least I've learned to lock myself inside my house for a week to sort thru it all.

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 4 years ago from Great Britain

      Thank you t.keeley, most comprehensive response.

      This is a log of a particularly difficult time where being a parent for someone with Asperger's Syndrome is heartbreaking. Adolescents seems to enhance the already difficult behaviour. Your perception of reality, the confusion in understanding other people's perception of reality - i.e. the account of a parent who is trying to help her son with ASD and the pain she feels - suggests this as typical for the Aspergers. Of course, when I mean 'typical', I mean the core themes in diagnosis - the lack of empathy, for example. In ASD, all people are individual and in Dan's case, he is more dysphasic.

      Dan is lucky. We managed to get him help with his social skills - he did get the therapy - and is making progress. His genius is music creation and he is learning to be his best. Without the label, there would be no help and he would have other issues similar to your 'meltdowns'. I know this as an undiagnosed Asperger's female. However, having a label is not ideal either, but it is the better of the two evils because he can at least understand himself better and consciously overcome his difficulties instead of 'muddling through'.

      Asperger's is part of the whole person and the genius element is a great thing, but if we can help with teaching social norms at a conscious level, can you imagine how far people with Asperger's Syndrome can go and how important their input would be to the world? It has to be a good thing.

      The roller coaster continues, but it is more for Dan than I - I have my own personal rollercoaster to contend with - and all I can do is love him.

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      Margy Nelson 4 years ago

      I have a 16 yr old son with AS and ADHD! I'm super stressed with his yelling temper tantrums and lack of self care! He has NO friends because of his rude comments at church, youth groups, and Boy Scouts. All he wants to do is video gaming! He has taken social skills classes and one on one training! It IS a huge roller coaster, and I worry about his future! It gets SO stressful his dad, my husband says "it's me or him"! How could I ever do it alone! He is the oldest of my 4 kids n two have ADHD and hard as well.

      Thank you for sharing! I often want to run away!!! I pray and ask God for help too! I do feel like raising these kids is a life lesson for me, but often don't know how I'm going to get through, and HOW long will he have to live at home?! Scared and stressed, but love his sweet side. Glad I am not alone!!!!

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      CS Cart Demo 4 years ago

      Hey just surfin the web and I found your blog. Really great info! Thanks for sharing!

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 4 years ago from Great Britain

      Margy Nelson... For me it did split up the family and he had to go into specialist further education for people with ASD. Good luck and you aren't alone.

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      Isabelle Craft 3 years ago

      I have as and adhd it is hard because I can't pay attention or stop moving and I have anger issues as well I try not to let it affect me it keeps me from sleeping because my mind is off in its own little world to cope I run track but track only last for five months there is still seven more months of the year I am waiting for track it comes in five months my mom thought there was something mentally wrong with me so she took me to a councilor it didn't work it just frustrated me until it got to the point that I started yelling at the councilor I have moved to a new state and I don't have many episodes of pure anger anymore before I just couldn't control it another thing I use to cope with my adhd is sugar or caffeine it calms me down without it I can't concentrate so I try to concentrate harder causing a headache as I am typing this my legs are moving.When ever I absolutely need to move I move my legs.I move my arms/hands,or I pop my knuckles.I am only a teenager I found out three years ago though so it is a little easier.

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      Melissaascot 3 years ago

      Reading your posts with great interest. I have a 17 year old boy with asbergers/ADD/ODD. He is middle one of three boys and has always been challenging. After spending two years in a special school which didn't deliver on its fabulous sales pitch he is now back at home attending a local college. We are now depressingly in a worse place than ever... He is making no effort with his course, has no friends, is withdrawn, not speaking to us unless he gets into an argument when miraculously he becomes highly articulate and the latest new problem is he doesn't seem to like eating in public. If we are at a restaurant, when his food arrives he just stares at it before only picking at it. He is clearly depressed, has low self esteem and does not feel positive about anything. If he could he'd sleep half the day, eat rubbish and just be on internet or gaming. I know that sounds like most teenagers but he is definitely not most teenagers. We've tried so many things including diet and exercise but are desperately worried about him and his future. We are a happy family of 5 and it's affecting us all. Any advice greatly appreciated and also would be interested to know which area of country you are in as college sounds good.

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 3 years ago from Great Britain

      Melissaascot - Im in the UK, Somerset. Have you read about college education? This is run by the Priory group - Farleigh College of Further Education in Frome. You will need to go through the processes I have already wrote about in obtaining funding or further education.

      In the meantime, I would advise family therapy with a Clinical Psychologist. It seems that you, as a whole, need to talk and mediation with a professional might help. Maybe ask your Doctor for a referral?

      I really do feel for you... it really is tough but through professional guidance, it will help to get you through to something better.

      To give you hope... Dan is now 19. He has been to residential college and is now attending University, living independently. It hasn't been easy, but at least he is happy (some of the time).

      I wish you well :)

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