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Because We Cannot See: When Addicts Need an Intervention

Updated on February 6, 2015

Disclosure

I am not a doctor. This is a description of my successful intervention experience twenty-six years ago and some basic guidelines for an intervention.

You should always find trained individuals to counsel you if you think an intervention might help a loved one see that they have a substance abuse problem.

It is imperative that you have professionals involved if any of the following are present in those wanting to participate in the intervention or are applicable for the addict.

  • Has a history of serious mental illness
  • Has a history of violence
  • Has shown suicidal behavior or recently talked about suicide
  • May be taking several mood-altering substances

Sometimes, We Have to See from Another's View

Source

Seeing Life Through Another’s Eye

"... Just stop. It’s so simple, really. But as so often happens with me, my arrogance kept me from seeing the truth of the matter." Marie Sexton, Strawberries for Dessert

When people have clarity, there is no question that using drugs and alcohol are self-defeating. However, when we are in the grips of our addiction, we do not see reality, nor can we appreciate the rational caring viewpoints of others.

Many of us require an intervention by others to understand just how much harm we have inflicted, the damage to our relationships, and to know that there are still people willing to help.

Twenty-six years ago, I worked at a small southern college in Gainesville, GA. My dual roles, House Director and student helped me justify my tranquilizer and alcohol use. I'd make self-serving comments to anyone who would listen that if they had to put up with over one hundred college students and be a student, they would need something for their nerves as well.

"Nerves" is not a medical term or condition. Although my doctors understood my reference to the anxiety and stress. Yes, I wrote doctors. It is not uncommon for us to doctor shop; where we seek out complicit physicians who willingly dispense prescriptions as long as we meet the co-pay.

Or, if we use controlled substances, we might go to more than one doctor, get a 30-day supply, and go to another for the same symptoms and get an additional 30-day supply.

Then we have to make sure that we don't take Dr. X's prescription to the same pharmacy where we've taken Dr. Y's. It's no wonder that I had nerves, all those surreptitious activities - sneaky, underhanded and probably today, illegal. In 1988, there were still locally owned pharmacies where they knew you by name, not an electronic alert that I had scripts in all the other Mom 'n Pop drug stores.


We narrow our focus to what is right to avoid what is wrong.
We narrow our focus to what is right to avoid what is wrong. | Source

Limited Vision Prevents Us from Seeing Clearly

Part of my limited vision and diversionary tactics were to deflect criticism from co-workers and family by pointing out my grades. I was a Dean's List student.

A 4.0 in my major and an overall GPA of 3.89, while carrying 15 hours a semester.

If you think about it, how would an academic institution judge someone; by their grades. Whether it was a student or an employee, erecting the GPA shield bought me time and kept people from addressing my issues.

It focused their attention on the one valuable asset I had at the time, and my hope was that they would not look at other behaviors so closely.

I also used the answer a question with a question approach. When someone asked me about my use, I just reframed the question into my own with, "Do you think someone with a substance abuse issues would be a Dean's List student with a 3.89 GPA?"

That invariably focused the conversation on my better qualities and took the direct attention off any suspected substance abuse issues. However, that all changed when the college hired a new dean. I worked in the Office of Student Development, and this was to be one of her departments. She believed in meeting with each staff member individually; getting their feedback on strengths and weaknesses.

Several of my co-workers determined that my erratic behaviors and suspected substance use were a weakness. After discussing their concerns, she calmly told them that no one on campus was qualified to make an assessment, but that she was in a position to require me to have one.

I met with her for what I assumed would be my luncheon get together and instead, she informed me that there was concern about my pill use and drinking. Since she was new and had not observed any of these behaviors, she wondered if I would have an evaluation to determine if I had a substance abuse problem. I immediately agreed, thinking I could justify my use to any counselor.

Even When We Avoid Seeing, Our Addiction Shows

We display the results of our use, but rarely see them.
We display the results of our use, but rarely see them. | Source

Have you been questioned about your alcohol or drug use?

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We Cannot Hide What is Apparent to Others

My assessment was rather low-key. I had expected a form with yes/no responses and was prepared to lie.

Instead, the counselor asked standardized questions that I found challenging. It was apparent that I would not be able to rationalize my use to this woman. I knew that she saw me for what I was, addicted, troubled and desperately in need of help.

However, I did not cooperate when I got uncomfortable with her probing questions about the way I appeared that day.

Rather than give her more ammunition, I informed her that I didn't want to continue the assessment. Then I asked if she had to report her evaluation to the school.

I hoped that legally she could not report this evaluation without my consent. When she verified this, I told her we were finished and that she did not have my permission to report her findings or evaluation.

In my delusional state, I thought I'd found a way out. Feeling smug and self-assured, I grabbed my purse and left. Clearly, this was not a case of no news is good news, and when the college did not hear from her, they collectively made other plans.

On September 30, 1988, I was called to the president's office. Not unusual, I had been there before for meetings and tea. the office reeks of education and English library influences in the décor. However, the moment that I went it, I realized there would be no offer of tea.

Five deans and the president all stood up, formed a single line and produced 4 X 6 cards. Some shuffled their cards as if they were out of order, others smiled weakly at me, and some looked to one another for guidance.

As a psychology major, I knew what they were preparing to do - have an intervention, and I would be the subject.

While we have TV show of the same name today, where people typically deny a problem, throw fits and make wild accusations, I did not. Nor, would I put these people nor myself through the ordeal of recounting all of their collected examples of my out of control behaviors.

Instead, I just asked them what they expected. They expected me to get help and be at the treatment facility of their choice by 8 PM. Although this group of individuals had no counseling to help them facilitate the intervention, the outcome pleased everyone; I agreed to treatment and entered detox that night.

In my case, that intervention began my healing; it's been twenty-six years and I am still in recovery. However, interventions have improved since then. We are more knowledgeable about addiction, attitudes and ability to stage one that is more likely to produce the desired result - getting the addict some help.

Others see the possibility of a new life, growth and change.
Others see the possibility of a new life, growth and change. | Source

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When Others Still See Us Through Loving Eyes

For many of us in the addicted population, any one individual confronting us about our use is ineffective.

We can argue with the best of them, deflect one person's point, and use the time-worn, "Well, that's just his or her opinion." We discount the individual, as if any one person's opinion doesn't count.

Combining forces for an effective intervention is a better approach. Also, having a licensed interventionist to weed through the examples and determine who, if anyone, is a weak link is paramount.

Think about this logically, if five people are giving the same example, it may be five people talking about it, but it is still just one example. We'll talk our way out of that example by presenting it as some isolated instance. So we fell into the Christmas tree in front of all of them, it still was just too much holiday wine on one day.

But if these same five people give distinct examples, even for the same type of behaviors, it is more powerful and compelling evidence of our problem.

Looking for the weak link references the individual, who, for their reasons may not be solidly in favor of requiring treatment for the person. It might be a family member who feels guilt, also. A sibling who has said cruel things out of frustration, or a parent who carries remorse for perceived bad parenting.

And we can spot a weak link, or enabler the minute we walk into a room. The one who will cave if we cry or may think they are somehow responsible for our choices, and we can use that information to distract from the intended purpose of the intervention.

I knew that none of those people at my intervention would cave. Yes, they were uncomfortable but none of them would back down on their guidelines for my continued employment - get help or you are fired.

After I had been in treatment about four weeks, my father told me that the college had asked him and my mother to participate. Much to his credit, my father told them he couldn't; that he knew if I started crying, he would take me out of the intervention and probably not have the same resolve nor make equivalent demands as the college had. He knew that this was the best thing for me, so he removed himself.

As we talked about it, I knew that had he been present, I would have cried and manipulated him and not gotten treatment.

Dr. George Northrup On Pre-Intervention Steps and an Intervention

Intervention Participation

Have you ever participated in an Intervention?

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Interventions Help Remove the Masks and Facades

Interventions help the addict remove the blinders
Interventions help the addict remove the blinders | Source

If an Intervention is Needed: How To Effectively Conduct One

A trained interventionist lets the family and friends vent about their sense of betrayal, anger, fear and sometimes guilt.

It isn't that there is anything wrong with having these emotions, or that they can't be discussed in an intervention. But focusing only on those emotions creates a defensive posture in most people and they can distract from the main goal - getting the addict some help.

Having a written statement, often revised and reworked several times is the norm. These letters convey the love, concern and how the relationship used to be before drugs and alcohol took over. How do these letters accomplish this?

By reinforcing the following:

1. That the person still loves the addict; not the action, the use or the other self-defeating behaviors. It's okay to be angry about the actions, just distinguish between the user and the acts.

2. The concerns for the welfare of the addict, whether it physical, emotional, financial, or mental.

3. That the family and friends miss communicating and visiting with the person. Whether it is a family function or a work golf tournament doesn't matter; examples of how it used to be are helpful in conveying this message.

4. How good the relationship used to be, or remind them of accomplishments when they were not using.

5. That today, there is a choice - treatment, with a plan in place, or....

With any ultimatum, the group must be in agreement about the consequences of choosing not to enter treatment.

For some families, it may be that they will no longer give money to the addict. They may still buy food, pay tuition, or pay rent, but not give the addict cash. Be prepared to state that you will withhold money unless they get help for their addiction. However, you can reinforce that withheld support will continue if they choose treatment if that is feasible.

6. Give concrete alternatives when possible.

  • Go to detox if it is medically indicated.
  • Come home and enter outpatient treatment for 12 weeks
  • Restart recovery support meetings for 90 days
  • Enter a long-term facility for three months

Options and the semblance of choice can sometimes defuse an emotional and irrational response from the addict.

7. Once the team, interventionist, and resources are outlined, have a mock or rehearsed intervention. The interventionist has an opportunity to watch the interaction among the participants:

  • Who strays from the stated agenda
  • Who has their own issues
  • Who is ambivalent about the goal
  • Who is too emotional to participate and
  • Who cannot stay on track when the addict's anticipated responses and reactions are role played

These are all critical pre-intervention criteria that will help ensure the best intervention possible.

Treatment: The Ultimate Objective

Unfortunately, family members, friends and employers all think because they have valuable information, they should be included. While their information is valuable, how they present the facts can make the intervention too contentious to achieve the desired results.

Getting the addict help is the fundamental objective; not condemning, shaming, or belittling the person. Whether we act like it or not, most of us feel guilt and remorse for our behaviors; our addiction is just stronger and overrides those feelings.

Also, in our use, we are not doing something to others; we are doing something for ourselves. Selfish and self-centered, yes.

But we rarely factor, "If I loved them, I wouldn't do this". We do love our families. We still do drugs. This is not a comparative for most of us addicts.

Trapped in the prison of addiction, we cannot see a way out.
Trapped in the prison of addiction, we cannot see a way out. | Source

What If the Intervention Doesn’t Work?

It is difficult when all just want the addict to get help, and they walk away from the intervention, angry and refusing to get help. Everyone, but the addict realizes they are trapped in the prison of addiction.

Families and friends, who have done all they can, enlisted the help of a trained interventionist, and had their mock, staged or rehearsed intervention need to know:

"All you can do, is all you can do."

Without being cliché, this is probably the most difficult thing for families to accept.

For some other participants, they may have to distance themselves and not communicate with the addict for a set time; followed by stating that the family member or friend will connect in a few days, to see if the addict had a change of heart. Often, when an addict reflects on the care, concerns, and examples, they will change their minds and want help.

Make sure they have a number to call - a family member, friend, or in some cases, the interventionist. Giving the addict a safe number to call if they change their minds is another life-line that some addicts choose.

When We See What You See

Source

Sometimes Interventions Work - After the Fact

If the addict asks for help after the intervention, mission accomplished.

Unfortunately, some family members will spend time on the "Why didn't you take the help yesterday?" Or worse yet, "I told you that you needed help."

Forgo those words and be grateful that your loved one is getting treatment and they can finally see their lives as you see it.

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    • MDavisatTIERS profile image
      Author

      Marilyn L Davis 2 years ago from Georgia

      Good afternoon, always exploring; thank you for that reminder. Food addiction, sex addiction, gambling addiction, and a host of others often require an intervention.

      In 12-step meetings, there are over 300 for various types, be it food, alcohol, drugs, or sex. Then there are the faith-based and secular approaches to addiction. There are many paths to recovery, including those for food addictions. Perhaps your family might benefit from researching either in person or online options for recovery supportive meetings or treatment.

      Thank you for commenting and the compliment about the writing. I appreciate it. ~Marilyn

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 2 years ago from Southern Illinois

      Interesting article. You didn't mention food addiction, which is prevalent in my family. Thank's for sharing your story and it's written so well..

    • MDavisatTIERS profile image
      Author

      Marilyn L Davis 2 years ago from Georgia

      Good morning, DDE; thank you for your insight. It is, as you pointed out, perhaps easier for me to write about it. Hopefully, those who need to know about addictions and interventions will read it. Glad you did and thanks for commenting. ~Marilyn

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 2 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      An Addiction is not a good experience and writing about an experience so much easier for you and the reader to know better. A well- suggested idea.

    • MDavisatTIERS profile image
      Author

      Marilyn L Davis 2 years ago from Georgia

      Good morning, Jodah; thank you. It's all just part of my mission to educate, inform and encourage recovery. People need to know that someone else has been successful in anything for others to make the attempt. It applies to business, or recovery - the list is endless. Otherwise, we'd all still be living on the flat earth.

      I do think it is important for writers to give links to reputable information. None of mine promotes a particular interventionist, however.

      I spent time finding a video that wasn't overly promotional, and I think that the one by Dr. Northrup managed that. Yes, we know his name and that he is an interventionist, but he doesn't then bombard us with a discount for today.

      I appreciate you helping me get that message out there. ~Marilyn

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Wonderful advice coming from someone who has been there. Not only that Marilyn but you also researched the subject thoroughly. Everyone should read this whether an addict or not. Voted up, shared, tweeted.

    • MDavisatTIERS profile image
      Author

      Marilyn L Davis 2 years ago from Georgia

      Good evening, Rachael; it is encouraging that several of you are breaking the cycles of addiction. Whether it is distancing or changing other patterns. I applaud you for your resolve to be different but with the knowledge that there is a genetic component.

      I also have two daughters in recovery; one with 21 years and the other with 15. Neither of them had their children until they got into recovery.

      We have, as a family discussed the "allergy to alcohol" that runs in our family with their children (my grandchildren), ages 18, 12, 8 and 6. When my oldest granddaughter (the 18 yr. old) was about 13, she asked me what we broke out in - hives, a rash, what? My comment back to her was that we broke out in stupid - choices, decisions, and judgment.

      She is a freshman in college on an athletic and academic scholarship in Virginia. She said at her first party; she saw several people break out in stupid, and she is choosing to forgo a chance of it happening to her. We say small prayers that she maintains this attitude.

      All of the children have accompanied us to recovery support meeting where we instigated shared babysitting so single mothers could participate. We each take 15 minutes, still get our meeting and are doing something to support other parents in recovery. Well, that might be a message worth writing about, too. ~Marilyn

    • RachaelOhalloran profile image

      Rachael O'Halloran 2 years ago from United States

      I read your article with great interest. Your experience in this field comes through every paragraph.

      I think I am one of the fortunate ones, like DJ, who didn't fall into the addiction of my family members. While it is true I cut them all off when I was in my 20's (over 40 yrs ago), out of sight and out of mind doesn't necessarily make one safe from addiction.

      I always knew that some things were genetic and if I wasn't careful, it could happen to me or later on, to my children. I tried to surround myself with good associates, and raised my 5 children up so that, thank you God, they are also addiction free.

      But because it is in the genes, I know not to count my chickens but rather to thank my God that each one of us is still able to walk a straight road without falling victim. I truly enjoyed reading the advice and the journey and recommend anyone perusing your hubs that comes across this title to click it and read it.

      Voted up, interesting and awesome.

    • MDavisatTIERS profile image
      Author

      Marilyn L Davis 2 years ago from Georgia

      Good afternoon, DJ; I appreciate your candor and comment. In some families, there is learning how to do and not do by example. I am sorry for all of the addiction in your family, yet, it sounds as if you learned what not to do. That unto itself can be a valuable lesson.

      I hope your step-son takes advantage of this opportunity to turn his life around. Your cousin and the secrecy is unfortunately too predictable. If we reflect on Betty Ford, there have been few more public figures who announced that they were alcoholic.

      I made a decision 26 years ago to not hide my recovery any more than I hid my alcoholism. When I opened a women's recovery home and was interviewed in the paper and on TV, I knew the days of being anonymous were over. That was in 1990, and I have not looked back. Others were helped and in turn, I learned from them.

      I hope to be encouraging of those seeking help and informative to those who may not know how to get help. ~Marilyn

    • profile image

      DJ Anderson 2 years ago

      'There, but for the grace of God, go I'.

      My father was an alcoholic. My mother was addicted to prescription pills. My brother has alcohol dementia. My cousin has been ferried in and out of treatment facilities so many times she has lost count. Her husband is a political figure so a veil of secrecy is maintained at all times.

      And, one of my stepsons finally agreed on in house treatment only after he almost died from an overdose.

      It is hard for those of us not predisposed to alcohol and drugs to understand how this can happen.

      But, I give you kudos for having the determination to stay clean.

      Hopefully, your hub will reach the eyes of some soul searching for answers.

      DJ.

    • MDavisatTIERS profile image
      Author

      Marilyn L Davis 2 years ago from Georgia

      Good morning, Bill; I got asked about strawberries. In fact, I use that analogy in my recovery curriculum...might have to update to tomatoes since it was successful for you.

      I always appreciate your comments and your candor. Thanks. ~Marilyn

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 2 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Early on in my sobriety I was saying to my sponsor "maybe I'm not really addicted to booze." He asked me if someone had proof that tomatoes were bad for my health, could I give them up....I said sure, no problem....then why, he said, can't alcoholics do the same thing with booze?

      Great article!