Bi-Polar, Recovering Addict, Single Mother of 3 Suffering From Hashimotos-Hypothyroid Autoimmune Disease and Much more..
Is it difficult to raise 3 kids alone? Of course! Would I trade it for the world? Hell no!
I didn't plan on being a single mother at all, in fact I was engaged to marry my oldest son's father, but I refused to be his punching bag- and at times he got violent when he drank, and I told him once the baby was born, if he layed a hand on me, I would leave and never look back.... Apparently he didn't believe me.
So, fast forward 17 years, I now have 3 boys- Gavin's 17, Elias is 8 and Daxton will be 2 in September. I never knew what true love was until I became a mother... I thought I did, but the real deal is the moment your baby looks up at you for the first time... That strong bond is the read on I'm still alive... it's the reason I get up every morning and keep on going.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety and Panic disorder, ADD, and Major Depressive Disorder in about 2007 when I started going to therapy after I was brutally raped. I thought that the diagnosis was wrong because of the drugs and alcohol I had been using... My addiction started getting very serious after that sorry excuse for a man raped me in my own home, with my son sleeping in the next room.
I didn't realize how bad it had actually traumatized me until years later in rehab when they made me do a timeline of events... Well surprise, surprise.... I became dependent on opiates later on that year, and started using alcohol and meth quite often. It has been one hell of a journey, but with a lot of hard work, I am proud to say, have been clean for two years now! (Clean date is June 2)
A lot of folks tend to judge people (especially mothers) for becoming drug addicts. They say things like, "why doesn't she just quit?" or "She doesn't deserve to have her kids."
Addiction is a very powerful, sneaky, tricky, manipulative, and complicated disease. In my case, my mental illness played a huge roll on my addictions. The depression made me weak...unable to function... desperate to feel better.... Percocet, Vicodin, Booze, some meth... Whatever was available or easily acquired was what I was doing.
The anxiety attacks were so severe that my mind raced and I couldn't breathe.. But I discovered at a young age that alcohol was a quick cure for those awful anxiety attacks. Meth got me out of my funks and out of bed... But then again, so did pain pills... Gave me motivation to get my housework done, and a smile on my face, dinner cooking when the kids got home from school.
I used each substance as medication for my mental illness. But when I switched from pain pills to heroin, I was terrified....I would leave my kids with my parents for hours.. Sometimes an entire day and into the next morning... Chasing heroin. It was pure hell.... If I didn't have heroin, I was so sick I couldn't even fathom the thought of functioning... I needed something huge to happen... I needed someone to save me.
I became pregnant with my little angel, Daxton in 2016, right when I thought I was going to die or go to prison. God must have decided it was a good time to bless me with another amazing, perfect child, which told me, "you gotta get out of this heroin hell NOW!!!" So, I got into the Methadone program and they saved me and my kid's lives. I'm still in the program now, and I absolutely love it.
A lot of people think Methadone is "synthetic heroin" and that it's "trading one drug for another", but that is very false. Methadone doesn't get you high.. It doesn't give you any euforic feelings whatsoever, after you have taken the same dose, every day at the same time. It's a preventative method for most because it is an opioid blocker.. If you took any opiates you wouldn't feel them at all becauze the Methadone blocks it from entering the receptors in the brain.
So here I am, living with my parents, raising my 3 amazing boys, going to therapy and acupuncture regularly, AA and NA meetings and groups at my clinic, watching out for triggers and surrounding myself with clean and sober people who are supportive of my recovery.
We will be in our own place again soon, but I am a little nervous about that because I will be out there doing this literally alone again, and this time I'm terribly sick with Hashimotos Disease....(Ill write about that in another article). Here I have my dad who watches the baby for me for appointments, he sometimes will keep an eye on the kids when I'm really exhauated and sick, and I just feel like we are safe here.... (I'll also write in one of my other articles about the time my dad had to pull his shotgun out when my psychotic ex wouldn't leave.) Our last experience out in the world was pretty scary... But Ill talk about that in my next article