Eating Disorder? I Listed out My Problems and Came to A Revelation.
We've all been there: eaten too much, felt guilty, and tried to "correct" ourselves after a day of overindulgence in alcohol, food, or shopping by restricting, restricting, restricting. But when does it become a "disorder?" instead of just a lack of genuine discipline in the moment? Well, speaking from personal experience, I think I have a disorder because I've been trying to break the cycle of binge and punishment for over 3 months now...And struggling is sucking. My parents have seeked out counseling for me, my sense of apathy towards life has increased, and my self-image is blurred and distorted somewhat. I am trying to get to the root of the problem through some stream of consciousness blogging because I have cancelled my therapy appointments two-weeks in a row because of guilt for knowing how much cash my parents have had to hand over, all in hopes of fixing the issue. Here's a list of things what I think may be the root of the problem, and I am going to try and take active steps to address these things in the future instead of turning to emotional eating:
- Family relationships are strained: They don't trust me. Because of my crazy emotional ups and downs due to the binge eating and whatever else caused the binge eating, people don't know what to expect from me anymore...Thats the thing, though...People like to know who they'll be dealing with, and if someone's a wild card when it comes to what emotional state they'll be in that day, they tend not to want to fucks with that person. I am that person.
- I hate food wastage. Always have. I will often finish things just for them to not go to waste, feeling terrible often. I try to think of food as just carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen molecules, but something inside me screams, "SOMEONE COULD HAVE EATEN THAT-WHAT A WASTE!!" each time I even think of throwing food away. I desire to break free from this scarcity, lack mindset because it holds me back.
- I feel futile quite often.
- I try to stick to vegan and sugar-free because it makes the most sense for human anatomy and I feel so much better both physically and mentally by staying with it...But when I fall of the path by realizing I mistakingly ate cheese or some shit, I just say "fuck it" and overindulge, saying that I'll never touch that product again after this one time. I think this will be easier when I am living on my own because I will decide what comes in my house and my fridge. It's hard being the only "vegan" in the house, when there are so many other options of food staring at me every day, as I struggle to maintain my vegan streak.
- I weigh myself excessively. I treat my body like a science experiment instead of a temple sometimes, thinking, "oh how many pounds can I lose today if I don't eat for 24 hours after this binge and just drink water?", hypothesizing 3, and beating myself up the next day after the next weigh-in when I found out it was only half a pound.
- I wonder if I'm even going down the right path with college...I don't want to study something meaningless or a waste of my time...And I don't want to use my family's hard-earned money on a degree that I didn't even need or want in the first place...Wish I knew myself better so that I could decide what was really for me. Wish I didn't have 100 different personalities and masks to work with.
- Food seems like the only source of pleasure in my life sometimes. Think about it: I wake up every morning to a workout I'm forcing myself to do, go to a school I hate and where I don't learn anything, come home to "relax", which entails bingeing to comfort myself from the bullshit, and work a mediocre job to pay for things that probably won't matter in 10 years time...What an existence. I have no boyfriend and have isolated myself from many of my friends, especially family members, because like, who cares. I've already pushed them away so many times, so why bother reaching out to push them away and hurt them again? My free time is made up of repenting for my binge or bingeing itself, and I am just trying to get through this school year and save up money to buy freedom, as I feel trapped in my current situation and feel as if moving would eventually be the best bet, sooner rather than later. I feel as if hobbies I used to enjoy are a "waste of time" now such as painting or guitar because they do not entail instant gratification as much or contribute to weight loss.
- Bored at life. Senior year's been messy. And I brought it all on by myself. It could have been more simple if I had chosen to make people the focus of my life instead of making instant things I can control the main focus of meh life, such as food. I'm bored of this small town and most people in it, of doing the same shit everyday and putting up with the same set of problems that I've been meaning to fix everyday.
- I've always desired independence & solitude.
- I tried intermittent fasting, and I guess it went wrong. Instead of eating normal sized meals after a fast, I often wild out and eat something crazy or in large amounts because I "deserved" it. This became a vicious pattern, a cycle that potentiated itself through shame and disappointment.
- I am very lonely. I also did this to myself but I lack romance in my life or many close friendships. I also have a friend who is struggling with an eating disorder at the moment...but I don't know if we help or trigger each other by discussing our ills...We both have a touch of anorexia in our past and have dabbled with binge eating and exercise addiction...
- Eating is not a social occasion in our house:Our schedules are all different and none of us are patient or present enough to enjoy a meal in synchrony due to our schedules and priorities. I work out in the morning, often skipping the chance to share a morning meal with my family. I leave school earlier than my sister, allotting time for me to eat by myself during afternoons(not healthy), and when my sister comes back from school, I cannot share a meal with her because I have already binged by myself and feel ashamed, also having to get ready for work and having to be there by 5. My mother comes home from work slightly after I've just left for my work, and since my sister already ate, my mother eats by herself, meaning all of us are eating out of sync. I often feel bad if I catch them eating by themselves, so I'll join them, not out of hunger, but for hunger of sheer company and companionship, and I'll beat myself up later for even bothering, consuming extra calories. I find this sad. We're destroying ourselves. We're destroying each other. I'm always wondering if eating should be an act of communion or if it should just be fuel for our lives.
- I'm only able to put up with hunger if it's self-inflicted and on purpose. Being hungry and having to wait often irks me-I need to work on being more patient and less hangry.
- Chakras are outta line.
- I feel as if I have a touch of OCD/ anxiety.
- It's like I don't give a shit about anything besides my appearance or money anymore. A futile existence.
- I haven't laughed.
- I am insecure.
- I haven't loved anyone for over 2 years.
- I feel shame or guilt about who I am sometimes. I withhold love even from my family because I am hurting so badly myself because of my past and because of how I have let myself get used and by using people. How can I love others if I can't love myself unless I'm "perfect"? And how can I al of a sudden become a loving, glowing being out of the blue if they expect that, too to be ephemeral?
- I don't know who I am. I know that sounds cliche but honestly I have so many personalities, so many "masks" and versions of myself that I can't tell who the real one is anymore.
- I'm always seeking something.
- I'm always wanting instead of appreciating.
- My friend group's collapsing.
- Since we're all leaving for college, we don't take our friendships as seriously, because like, fuck it, right? We're all leaving for different colleges and probably never see each other again, so why even bother? This leaves me without a clan. Without a tribe. And I need one. I've been eating alone too much but also when I have the opportunity to eat with others, it is out of loneliness, not hunger.
- I feel out of control and uncertain of what the future holds, and this waiting period of getting out of school sounds like counting down my sentence.
- Thinking about food is a distraction from thinking about REAL problems like interrelationships, career goals, or performance, skill based goals.
- I feel frustrated.
- I feel trapped.
- I feel as if nobody understands me and that I am an outlier. No wonder, I don't even know or trust myself.
- I have an intense fear of becoming fat-I find it disgusting and never want to get to that point in my life, it being the main reason I have decided to never have kids. It absolutely consumes me.
- I'd rather be dead than be obese, and that is a truly troubling fact that I find hard to type or admit. It's so superficial but it is engrained into my subconscious.
- I feel ashamed for being a privileged white girl that creates problems that don't exist. I do feel like I have a mental disorder but I hate acknowledging it as a problem when there are bigger problems in this world.
- I have so many ideas on how to improve this world but am often afraid or discouraged to act because I have been indoctrinated by the school system to fear failure.
So I'm just gonna do some soul searching, try to stay out of the kitchen and distract myself with things in life that actually matter until I graduate. Try to not judge myself or other people's bodies and focus on things I can control, other than my food, like making myself perform better at school or at my job or bringing back my painting. Making some new friends. I started painting again yesterday for the first time in months, which felt really good, and I think I'll start investing. See where life takes me. I really do want to contribute to this world in a positive way, but first, I think I need to get my mind and soul right and heal myself and others I have hurt. Please feel free to comment, good or bad on this post, because I honestly feel so isolated that just seeing that other people see the struggle and maybe recognize they too have a problem would make me serve an actual purpose. Thank you,
Cazzie. ( I prefer to go by that now instead of Carola because I associate Carola with my emotional eating disordered self and as one that has hurt others and herself. Cazzie is someone I aspire to be, caring and loving and fun and carefree about life. They call me Cazzie at work and I introduce myself as such when I meet new people now because I want to kill off my old self, Carola, and emerge as a strong, independent, fierce woman that empowers herself and others.)