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Breaking the Generational Child Abuse Cycle

Updated on June 3, 2018
Carola Finch profile image

Carola writes extensively on health, social issues, mental illness, disabilities, and other topics. She is a breast cancer survivor.

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We often hear that people that abuse others experienced abuse and bullying as children. Is it possible to break this generational cycle of abuse? Yes! Adults who were abused can break the cycle of abuse and maltreatment in their families. I have faced this challenge myself as someone who came out of a dysfunctional, abusive family.

Research by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) demonstrates that people who were physically, verbally, or sexually abused, and/or endured neglect can overcome the negative effects of maltreatment in childhood and avoid becoming abusers themselves. The biggest factor in their recovery is positive, encouraging relationships.

As a survivor of a dysfunctional and abusive childhood, I can identify other factors that helped me on my road to recovery.

Child maltreatment is a significant problem. The CDC estimates that 1 out of 10 American children experience some type of abuse or neglect. When I was a young adult survivor of childhood maltreatment, the prospect of having children terrified me. However, a number of factors helped to prevent me from being an abusive parent to my child or being physically and emotionally abusive others.

Developing healthy coping skills

An "Adverse Childhood Experiences" study examined people who grew up with emotional, physical or sexual abuse, domestic violence, or lived with parents who are substance abusers. The researchers found that abuse survivors had a 4 to 12 fold increased risk for drug abuse, alcoholism, depression, and suicide attempts. These sad statistics show that many people seek to escape the pain they experienced as maltreated children instead of dealing with it. Although substance abuse or depression offer some escape, they cripple people's ability to parent effectively.

There are better coping methods for abuse victims that can help such as counselling, confiding in a friend, or pursuing goals that make them feel good about themselves. For me, my faith in God, wonderful friends and wise counselors helped me overcome many of the negative side effects of the abuse I suffered. The people around me provided wonderful examples of loving relationships and functional families.

Negative consequences of maltreatment

  • an inferiority complex
  • low self-esteem
  • poor self image
  • high anxiety and nervousness
  • fear of punishment and pain
  • fear of authority figures
  • unexplained phobias
  • extreme anger and frustration

Recognizing the abuse

Sometimes people don’t realize that they have been abused. Perpetrators are master manipulators who want have power over and control their victims. One way to do that is to shred their victims’ self-esteem. They will try to convince their victims that the victims don't have the intelligence or skills to make it out on their own without the perpetrator. When people are isolated and totally beaten down, they become dependent on the abuser.

Victims end up defining themselves by the twisted image presented to them by their abuser. They blame the abuse on their own inadequacies instead of the perpetrator.

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For a long time, I believed that I was an inferior being who deserved to be punished. There must be something radically wrong with me. I thought I deserved a tongue-lashing or physical punishment. I couldn’t move on from the hurt and the pain of abuse until I admitted that I had been mistreated.

I had to face the fact that the people in my life who were supposed to protect me and love me chose to abuse me. They constantly told me I was stupid and could not do anything right. I was also a convenient punching bag. They actually had no right to treat me the way that they did. When I stopped listening to the voices of my abusers, I could redefine myself as a valuable person who deserved to be loved and treated with respect.

Absolving myself of blame

Once I could admit that I had been abused, I could stop feeling guilty and ashamed about it. The maltreatment happened to me because the perpetrators had anger problems, post traumatic stress disorder, or were cruel and mean. I had not done anything to deserve being verbally or physically abused.

I came into a new state of freedom. I was fine. The abuse was not my fault. Guilt and shame disappeared. It was the perpetrators that had a problem. It took some time for me to recognize that I did not deserve to be abused. I had to deliberately work on seeing myself as a person of worth. Fortunately, I had many good people around me who were good examples of how families can be functional and have lots of love and caring.

Processing the pain

I had to sift through my relationships with the people that hurt me and think about the things they said. I challenged the lies that they told me such as saying I was ugly, stupid, and deserving punishment. This is an ongoing process for me.

Resolving anger issues

When I was in my twenties, I had uncontrollable rages. I was not a fun roommate because I could erupt at any time. I had an almost irresistible urge to belittle others because I was hurting so badly inside.

My temper and mean words constantly got me into trouble and damaged my relationships. I had to face the fact that I had been treated badly and that people had been cruel and unfair. I deserved to be angry, but had to get past the pain to overcome it.

Forgiving the perpetrators

The main way I could let go of my pain and outrage was to forgive the people who abused me. I could put the pain behind me, although if those people were still in my life, I would not necessarily forget what they did. I was wary and on guard to avoid being hurt again and took whatever they said with huge grains of salt.

Concluding thoughts

One of my deepest fears as I approached my twenties was that I would be a personal wreck and an abusive parent to my child. I am glad to say that I was not. Sometimes I did have to deal with something that reminded me of the abuse in my past, triggering an emotion reaction such as a bout of low-self esteem, but I feel I have the tools to overcome these challenges. With a combination of mindfulness and positive people in my life, I can live a full and happy life and my daughter can, too.

There are many helpful books available about overcoming the effects of child maltreatment. Some have deeply touching personal stories. One of the stories that inspires me is the story of David Pelzer, who wrote the best-selling book “A Child Called "It" about the horrific physical and emotional abuse he suffered at the hands of his mother.

He has written several excellent books since such as "A Man Called Dave," and is both successful and a family man. He writes about living in foster care and his challenges in adulthood.

© 2013 Carola Finch

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  • Carola Finch profile image
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    Carola Finch 4 years ago from Ontario, Canada

    Thanks, MsDora.

  • MsDora profile image

    Dora Weithers 4 years ago from The Caribbean

    A very positive attitude toward a negative experience. thank you for sharing and inspiring. "The biggest factor in their recovery is positive, encouraging relationships." I so believe in this statement, and I'm glad you have had that. Voted Up and will also link this to an article I intend to post later this week. Thank you.

  • Carola Finch profile image
    Author

    Carola Finch 4 years ago from Ontario, Canada

    Thank you for your comments, everyone.

  • mdgardner profile image

    Martin D Gardner 4 years ago from Virginia Beach

    Your story is an inspiration to others facing the same situation. I'm glad you found the strength to overcome and break the cycle of abuse.

  • someonewhoknows profile image

    someonewhoknows 4 years ago from south and west of canada,north of ohio

    This generational abuse seems to also be demonstrated by cultural differences between say sects in middle Eastern countries such as Iraq, Iran etc... as well as social disorders of all kinds worldwide.

    Slavery is an especially extreme example of abuse.

    Cultural social abuses can be and are of course monitary, racial, age related abuse , sexual orientation abuse, hierarchy abuse of every kind imaginable.physical abuse in nursing homes as well as spousal abuse at home. Which may well lead to child abuse.

    Psychology is in it's infancy and even they sometimes abuse people perhaps unknowingly.I believe it's called ignorance.

    Political abuse is another animal altogether though and can use psychology to abuse the peoples trust.

    Oh, almost forgot Religion.Remember the Inquesitions

    I'm sure there are more .I'm just don't have the time here to mention all of them.

  • DDE profile image

    Devika Primić 4 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

    Breaking the Generational Child Abuse Cycle a subject that needs to be dealt with child abuse is often not taken serious. Take for example the incident in London a few months ago, of that couple who abused their 4 year old and beat him to death the social workers, school teachers and so many others didn't see the signs not even the doctors saw the signs when the boy had a twisted so called broken arm.

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