Caution: Getting Better May Kill You
The Average Medicine Cabinet
The bad side of side effects
Do you have a slight headache? Take two "Rebuflaggen" and call me in the morning. Rebuflaggen is proven to be effective in ceasing or reducing headaches in patients 24 - 65 years of age, 19 times out of 20, when taken properly and under the supervision of a family doctor.
Warning; Rebuflaggen may cause short sightedness, anal leakage, short and long-term blindness, deafness, muteness, hemorrhagic fever, prolonged arousal, short term memory loss, long term memory loss, early onset Alzheimer's disease, hump back disorder, buckled knees, inverted toes, loss of and rotting teeth, bleeding from the ears and eyes, sudden tail growth, increased urination with no control, advanced motor neuron diseases, baldness, extra leg hair growth, possible third or even fourth nipple growth, transexualization, age reversal, loss of balance, loss of brain use, spontaneous singing syndrome, uncontrollable nose hair growth, rancid breath, onset cardiovascular diseases, lung cancer, heart murmurs, kidney cancer, ovarian cancer, gall stones, uncontrollable gas, suicidal tendencies, dance-themed dreams and/or headaches.
Why would I take something that causes worse problems than what I currently have?
Well, basically because 9 out of 10 doctors will tell you to, 19 times out of 20. The fact that you can usually find these doctors on golf courses instead of in offices treating patients has no reflection upon the medicinal benefits of taking something that has multiple side-effects in order to treat a minor nuisance. Have you got gas? Take "Gazz-B-Gon", with 5% less anal leakage!
Now, so far this has been rather, well, fictitious, but the reality is even scarier than the premise suggested here. Doctors today are prescribing a pharmaceutical drug that causes patients to undergo suicidal tendencies and thoughts. The ailment that this drug is meant to cure? I bet you already guessed it was "depression".
"Cymbalta" is a pharmaceutical drug that aims to help you with your depression. When you watch their 30-second commercial, 12 seconds are relegated to mentioning adverse side-effects, including suicidal tendencies. Giving something that causes suicidal tendencies to someone who is so depressed that they seek medical care just might be one of the worse medical decisions of the Century!
Who Gets Happy?
The Global Adverse Awards
Tonight we bring you the first bi-annual Global Adverse Awards. If something you are told to take, eat or drink comes with adverse effects that are worse than what the medicine is meant to cure, then it qualifies for the award. The award itself is a Sparrow missile, aimed directly at the manufacturer's headquarters, timed to explode only when all CEOs are present.
In order to avoid lawsuits, manufacturers of said stupid drugs have to spend millions of dollars on advertisements, most of which air between midnight and 5am, so that almost nobody sees them. For this same reason they are also shown on The Ellen Show, where you can see the results of adverse effects first hand..
Hosted by Gary Busey, with presentations handed out by Charlie Sheen, The Global Adverse Awards will be approximately 4 hours long, with 3 hours and 58 minutes of disclaimers and legalese speak.
Of course, the only channel willing to show our new awards show is Fox, but the new Awards TV Channel is now in negotiations for the 50th Anniversary Adverse Awards Show (AAAS).
You can't have one without the other!
The Cure for the Cure for What Ails You?
Even pill bottles get the blues.
Go to bed. Eat properly. Drink healthy fluids. Put the damned computer down to go outside and get some exercise, you silly fool you. The average family physician sees more patients who have trivial problems that would be better fixed with proper diet and exercise and a good night's sleep than they do people who would need to see a specialist or be admitted to a hospital.
The chances are excellent that a good night's sleep, 3 well-balanced meals a day and 4 liters of water, no alcoholic beverages and a light aerobic workout twice a day will do a lot more good for your body (and mind) than a pill would. And, the fact that the average North American household has more than 6 different pill bottles (or types of pills) in their medicine cabinet, bedside table or dresser drawers, glove box or front pocket is very scary. But then again, since many have 15 to 20 different pills, then averaging out to 6 per household isn't really all that scary. Or bad, because we have to include "the pill" and the other "the pill" (the pink and blue ones, and no, not those pinks and blues...), that number glides down to 4 per household, and 1 is likely Tylenol.
There are good reasons for some people to be taking a lot of different medications. From cancer to chronic pain, from ALS to Parkinson's, Crone's and all other like-named Syndromes and Diseases, many ailments will wreak havoc on the human mind and body. But to give someone who is suffering from depression a drug that causes suicidal tendencies, then there's something wrong in Denmark, there's something crawling out of the rabbit hole and it ain't Dorothy!
You know, sometimes (well, OK, all the time, but that's for another blog post) I wish I had the stunning linguistic skills (or, the Stunning Inventive Linguistics Living In Everyday Society, or "The SILLIES") that author Tom Robbins has (Still Life with Woodpecker, Wild Ducks Flying Backward, Even Cowgirls Get The Blues, etc, etc, ad nauseum and so on). He has a way of using adjectives and metaphors in such a way that the reader finds themselves in the situation, at the scene. He is well known for writing sentences of over 200 words, with no periods required (well, until the inevitable, all-too soon end, that is).