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Come On Fat People, How Is The Chicken Prepared?

Updated on April 29, 2009


Before you go all “Biggest Loser” on my ass, I want to say that I currently consider myself a fatty. That’s right, as a friend once used to call me when I would complain about my fattitude, “Scotty Boombalatty.” However I know that sitting at a desk for hours on end, stress, eating late at night, going home and laying on the couch until it’s time to lay in bed, lack of exercise, decent diet and a genetic predisposition to a pot belly are all the contributing factors. I also know that I could change my weight if I’d actually push the M&Ms away and get to the gym. My family is filled with overweight people so I don’t want to hear all the “you’re so insensitive” comments.  What gets me are the fat people who have trouble admitting that they’re overweight or act as if they’re trying to do something about it when they’re not. Come on fat people, how is the chicken prepared? – Don’t Get Me Started!

I think I’ve written before about someone in my life who acted as if they were eating only organic products, complete down to the “Nayonnaise” (a not so much mayonnaise substitute). It was always shocking to me when I would go into my jar of mayonnaise in the frige to find that while it looked like a full jar of mayonnaise to the untrained eye, yet what had happened was that the supposed nayonnaise eater was eating all my mayonnaise but would just ferret the inside out so that from the outside it looked like an entire jar of mayonnaise until you opened it up and looked inside. Time and time again I would scrape the sides of the jar for the thin coating of mayonnaise that created the façade of a full jar. We were invited to a wedding and on the reply card it asked if you wanted chicken or beef. Nayonnaise Nan wrote on the card, “How is the chicken being prepared?” Nayonnaise Nan was a good two hundred fifty pounds so did it really matter how the chicken was prepared?

Recently I came across another person like this, we were ordering lunch and while she was very particular about asking about every component that was listed as on the item, at the end of picking and choosing from the six or seven ingredients on the list to either be on the side or excluded from her meal due to the fact that they were deemed by her “unhealthy” or “fattening” she then added sour cream and queso cheese sauce. I assure you there are no allergies here, just a mental illness.

I think I know why these overweight people create this ruse that fools no one but themselves. I think they want to give the appearance that they’re trying to lose weight when in actuality they’re making it harder on themselves to lose any weight at all. Instead of making everyone (including themselves) crazy (if only from our eye rolling that gives us a headache) admitting you have a problem is the first step, not making everyone crazy when you order. It’s akin to the same mental illness of ordering a “super sized” meal with a Diet Coke. While I know some nutritionists say taking the smallest step can make a difference, I’ll bet that if they ate half the fries and had water instead of Diet Coke they’d be closer to making something happen.

In the case of Nayonnaise Nan I would find myself in her car only to discover that stuffed under my seat was not a flotation device but instead were bags from Dunkin’ Donuts and fast food places. Unless she was researching a different type of air bag system that only uses fast food bags, I think we had a closet eater. The same can be said for the other woman I described, she only eats about a third of what she orders and then throughout the afternoon you find anything that isn’t nailed down headed into her gullet.

Look I’m doing this for your own good. I’m a firm believer in the idea that you have to admit you have a problem before you can begin working on it. I know I have a problem and every time I try to tie my shoes my light headedness reminds me that I’ve eaten way too much in my lifetime. I have a cat that now rests his head on my stomach like a pillow, what am I a moron? I once wrote that all I wanted for my birthday was metabolism and I pretty much stand by it but instead of just talking about it and blogging about it, I’m going to do something revolutionary about it, I’m going to push the plate away and start going back to the gym. I want to believe that before I leave this planet I might actually have a waist size I feel good about. I want to feel I can accomplish what I set my mind to do. And I think I have a chance because I can admit my failings, the same cannot be said for quite a few, the Nayonnaise Nans of the world. And it makes me kind of sad and mad all at the same time. Come on fat people, how is the chicken prepared? – Don’t Get Me Started!

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