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Common diseases of the new millenium

Updated on November 4, 2009

Read Cindy's self-help book

Have you been struck by one of these?

Doctor Cindy is in the house and is bringing to you, the sick and diseased, the common diseases of the new millennium. So have a gander, check them up out, and tick off the ones you are currently afflicted with.

Stinkytoealitis. This is a serious disease caused by wearing closed shoes like Converse, Trainers or such like. The minute the offending toes are exposed to air, they give off a pungent smell reminiscent of a men’s locker room with cod pieces lying on the floor or draped on locker doors. The only known cure is to wear shoes which do not encourage mega-fornication of Stinkytoealitis bacteria. Suitable shoes would be open toed sandals or flip flops (Commonly called jandals in New Zealand and thongs in Australia. Yeah I know, for me a thong is a g-string, but typical Aussies, they wear them on their feet.) Stinkytoealitis has been known to be a highly successful contraceptive. The minute an afflicted sufferer climbs into bed and the smell of decaying flesh rises up through the blankets and penetrates your nostrils, coitus is definitely interrupted as all thoughts of passion go out the window as you try desperately to breathe. Amputation of the toes might be called for.

Chattalitis. This is definitely a disease that affects the children in my class. The minute you begin to instruct them, they start to chat. Like it’s a reflex action. Basically, the Chattalitis bug causes you to chat incessantly about inconsequential and inane subjects. Eventually, your jaw muscles will become so over-developed, like a body-builder’s biceps, that your neck will no longer be able to support your jutting jaw. This could cause your back to hunch, and chronic double chins to develop. The only cure is to peg the lips shut, so that opening the mouth is impossible. But a side effect of that cure, is that the person may then develop duck lips which will give old Donald Duck some serious competition.

Lazyitis. This chronic disease appears to affect more males than females. The afflicted loses the motivation to do anything other than eat, sleep and breathe. Everything becomes a chore and too much effort. Even sex is a mission. They are often unable to sit upright on a sofa, always have to lie down, and when you talk to them their eyes can’t move away from the television or computer screen. Tough love where you withhold stuff they want, blackmail where you try and bribe them with stuff they want, and a swift kick up their posterior regions, are possible cures for this malady.

Naggalottalitis. This nasty disease affects mainly women. The bacteria builds invisible colonies at the back of their throat, so when they speak, the sound comes out as a slightly nasal whine that jars the healthy’s ears and causes extreme headaches in otherwise healthy people. A shotgun is a quick cure, but the authorities aren’t so keen on its use as it hasn’t been properly tested. You may send your wives who suffer from Naggalottalitis, to be a part of the guinea pig trial to test out the use of shotguns as a viable cure. Another short-term cure, is to accidentally lock the Naggalottalitis sufferer in a cupboard, closet or spare room. A long-term cure which has proven to be successful, is to staple their mouths shut using the domestic office stapler, or even a gun stapler, and leave a small gap where they can feed themselves through a straw. The downside is, is that you’ll have to invest in a good quality blender to liquidise all their food.

Desperatitis. This is a minor disease that appears to affect only single people, those in unhappy marriages, and those with an abundance of testosterone. Desperatitis often shows itself in social situations, where the afflicted throws themselves at healthy individuals, or tries to force themselves on unsuspecting people at the gathering. Desperatitis causes a temporary blockage in the brain, where the sufferer hallucinates and imagines that their attentions are welcome and that sex will cure the disease. Unfortunately, this is not the case, and sex with a healthy individual will just exasperate Desperatitis, and prolong the disease.

Procrastinitis. This disease creeps up on unsuspecting victims. It causes them to keep putting off things they know have to be done. Careful planning is not a cure. One of the symptoms of this disease, is telling all the people around you what you have to do, so that by the time you have to do it, you are tired from talking about it all the time, and no longer have the energy to do whatever it was you were supposed to do in the first place. A side effect of Procrastinitis, is other stress-related afflictions like peptic ulcers, caused by the diseased person always leaving things to the last minute and then having to pull all-nighters to get it done. A possible cure, is handcuffing the sufferer to the task that has to be done. A visit to an adult sex shop to buy some handcuffs, chains, whips and studded leather dog collars, would be a very supportive thing to do for a friend suffering from this disease.

Badorgasmitis. This is a very common disease caused by the Hollywood movie industry. Poor unsuspecting individuals watch celebrity actresses faking orgasms in movies, and they brainwash themselves that that is what good sex is all about. A symptom of this disease, is a woman who makes so much noise achieving her fake orgasm, that she blows her partner’s ear drum. The only known cures for Badorgasmitis are a frontal lobotomy in extreme cases, or a year’s subscription to Shiver Me Timbers Magazine, which gives handy tips on how to a fake an orgasm without literally bringing the house down. Hollywood orgasms are not real. The more noise you make and strange faces you pull does not mean the better the sex.

Fullashitalitis. This disease has been extensively covered in another article. Click on this link to find out more.

For more information please read Doctor Cindy’s book ‘Stop the world, I need to pee! Available on Amazon. Coming soon on Amazon, is Doctor Cindy’s self-help book – Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet.

 

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    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      8 years ago from Cape Town

      Well Reddog, that is definitely a clear cut symptom of Procrastinitis.

    • reddog1027 profile image

      reddog1027 

      8 years ago from Atlanta, GA

      Just read this article. Loved it. As a sufferer of procrastinitis, another symptom is making to do lists and then turning on any one of a number of court TV shows.

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      8 years ago from Cape Town

      Why hello, Hello Hello! Glad you overcame the kickerlitis!

    • Hello, hello, profile image

      Hello, hello, 

      8 years ago from London, UK

      Hello, cindyvine, I think your hub or I suffer of kickeritis because I am getting kicked out all the time. I am serious. Anyway, hopefully I can get that message through this time. It was a great hub and I enjoyed it. Thank you

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      8 years ago from Cape Town

      Fastfreta, lol, you gave me a good laugh! Obviously the person with the toes does not go for pedicures!

    • fastfreta profile image

      Alfreta Sailor 

      8 years ago from Southern California

      I am so gullible, when I read the first one, I actually thought this was a real disease, especially looking at those feet. After I collected myself, I found the rest of the hub to be very funny. All jokes aside, what is really wrong with the person's toes? It actually looks very painful. Very good hub.

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      8 years ago from Cape Town

      Hey Tony, always great to have you coming for a visit. Hot as Hades here already and it's not even December yet!

    • tonymac04 profile image

      Tony McGregor 

      8 years ago from South Africa

      Great Hub - have come across all of these "diseases" at one time or another.

      Thanks for the laugh

      Love and peace

      Tony

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      8 years ago from Cape Town

      Ah, maybe you need to try and wire the sufferer's mouth shut, Shamel!

      I forgot about a disease I often suffer from Eatalitis. This is where you suddenly get the munchies and if it's in a packet that rustles, you eat it!

    • shamelabboush profile image

      shamelabboush 

      8 years ago

      lol, this is inventive and Naggalottalitis is the best :) I've undergone that and still :)

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      8 years ago from Cape Town

      Enelle, those toes are gross, eh?

      Ivorwen, sign up for NaNoWriMo and it'll help you cure procrastinitis

    • Ivorwen profile image

      Ivorwen 

      8 years ago from Hither and Yonder

      This is great. Thanks for the laugh. I am working hard to overcome procrastinitis, but I see that most of the symptoms are still with me.

    • Enelle Lamb profile image

      Enelle Lamb 

      8 years ago from Canada's 'California'

      I should have guessed from the title that this hub would be a fun read! Love your wit, and thoroughly enjoyed your list of current diseases - could have done without the toes though LOL!

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      8 years ago from Cape Town

      hahaha Catherine, flip flops. C'mon, don't go all Aussie on us! Next thing you'll be saying "Oi Oi Oi!"

    • Catherine R profile image

      Catherine R 

      8 years ago from Melbourne, Australia

      Great hub! That foot is a beauty alright. My feet were starting to look a bit like that but just looking at that picture sent me off to give myself a pedicure. It is done now and my feet look almost beautiful. So for that little 'push' Cindy I thank you! Now I will be able to wear my thongs tomorrow......

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      8 years ago from Cape Town

      Thanks for the comments. I come up with different diseases all the time in my classroom, like wanderingaroundalitis etc, and the kids in my class say I should have been a doctor, I know so many diseases. I got the idea for a hub when I was trying to find parking outside the little supermarket we use and I gave a groan when my car was too big to fit into the spot. My 14 year old daughter told me I sounded as if I was having a bad orgasm. Yeah, shocking, I know. So I turned to her and said, "Badorgasmalitis." AIDY if you want to buy my books they're on Amazon, the links are above, and I'll do like I did for Ralwus and some others, I write a dedication, scan it and email it to you, and then you just paste it into the front of the book and then voila! You have a signed copy.

    • Paradise7 profile image

      Paradise7 

      8 years ago from Upstate New York

      Brilliant. The Desperatitus one, (did I spell it right?) especially.

    • creativeone59 profile image

      benny Faye Douglass 

      8 years ago from Gold Canyon, Arizona

      Great hub , if you really need a great laughitis, thank you for sharing. LOL. creativeon59

    • Mardi profile image

      Mardi Winder-Adams 

      8 years ago from Western Canada and Texas

      Haha! Great hub. I agree those toes at the beginning are really something and not in a good way. I wonder about textingitis - that is one that I think they need to find a cure for quickly!

    • profile image

      Pachuca213 

      8 years ago

      ha ha ha this was hilarious! I am so happy to read more from you again girl! This was great...and ralwus' comment made me practically pee my pants! Such great stuff, you always come up with the best laughs!

    • Randy Behavior profile image

      Randy Behavior 

      8 years ago from Near the Ocean

      What a fun way to start the day Cindy. Thanks for the giggles.

    • Jaspal profile image

      Jaspal 

      8 years ago from New Delhi, India

      What a hoot this hub is!!! Loved it, and I am still laughing. :)

    • dohn121 profile image

      dohn121 

      8 years ago from Hudson Valley, New York

      I had a lot of fun reading this, Cindy! I've seen these diseases strike without warning and there are many that unfortunately never find a cure and so are in denial that they suffer from any such "condition." Great hearing from you as always, Cindy. I hope all's well.

    • profile image

      ralwus 

      8 years ago

      A foot like that would never enter my home. Thankfully I have never witnessed that one itis. Yer too much Cindy, this was fun and so good to see ya again. CC hugs

    • profile image

      Am I dead, yet? 

      8 years ago

      Cindy--omg those toes! Congratulations on your new book! You are a brilliant writer Cindy. I am so glad to have the honor of knowing your work. Fears, Phobia's is available on Amazon already and free shipping as well!

      Now, how can I get signed copies of your books? -hugs-

    • dianacharles profile image

      dianacharles 

      8 years ago from India

      Hahahahaha........loved your itis-es. What do you think

      Hubpageitis would be?

    • Pamela99 profile image

      Pamela Oglesby 

      8 years ago from Sunny Florida

      Fun hub but I could have done without the picture of the foot. That's pretty nasty looking but does get your attention. Keep up the good work.

    • profile image

      Whistler2417 

      8 years ago

      Fun Hub. Guilty on some, left some behind and hope never to catch any of them again. Great waking to find such wit and humor.

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