Common diseases of the new millenium
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Have you been struck by one of these?
Doctor Cindy is in the house and is bringing to you, the sick and diseased, the common diseases of the new millennium. So have a gander, check them up out, and tick off the ones you are currently afflicted with.
Stinkytoealitis. This is a serious disease caused by wearing closed shoes like Converse, Trainers or such like. The minute the offending toes are exposed to air, they give off a pungent smell reminiscent of a men’s locker room with cod pieces lying on the floor or draped on locker doors. The only known cure is to wear shoes which do not encourage mega-fornication of Stinkytoealitis bacteria. Suitable shoes would be open toed sandals or flip flops (Commonly called jandals in New Zealand and thongs in Australia. Yeah I know, for me a thong is a g-string, but typical Aussies, they wear them on their feet.) Stinkytoealitis has been known to be a highly successful contraceptive. The minute an afflicted sufferer climbs into bed and the smell of decaying flesh rises up through the blankets and penetrates your nostrils, coitus is definitely interrupted as all thoughts of passion go out the window as you try desperately to breathe. Amputation of the toes might be called for.
Chattalitis. This is definitely a disease that affects the children in my class. The minute you begin to instruct them, they start to chat. Like it’s a reflex action. Basically, the Chattalitis bug causes you to chat incessantly about inconsequential and inane subjects. Eventually, your jaw muscles will become so over-developed, like a body-builder’s biceps, that your neck will no longer be able to support your jutting jaw. This could cause your back to hunch, and chronic double chins to develop. The only cure is to peg the lips shut, so that opening the mouth is impossible. But a side effect of that cure, is that the person may then develop duck lips which will give old Donald Duck some serious competition.
Lazyitis. This chronic disease appears to affect more males than females. The afflicted loses the motivation to do anything other than eat, sleep and breathe. Everything becomes a chore and too much effort. Even sex is a mission. They are often unable to sit upright on a sofa, always have to lie down, and when you talk to them their eyes can’t move away from the television or computer screen. Tough love where you withhold stuff they want, blackmail where you try and bribe them with stuff they want, and a swift kick up their posterior regions, are possible cures for this malady.
Naggalottalitis. This nasty disease affects mainly women. The bacteria builds invisible colonies at the back of their throat, so when they speak, the sound comes out as a slightly nasal whine that jars the healthy’s ears and causes extreme headaches in otherwise healthy people. A shotgun is a quick cure, but the authorities aren’t so keen on its use as it hasn’t been properly tested. You may send your wives who suffer from Naggalottalitis, to be a part of the guinea pig trial to test out the use of shotguns as a viable cure. Another short-term cure, is to accidentally lock the Naggalottalitis sufferer in a cupboard, closet or spare room. A long-term cure which has proven to be successful, is to staple their mouths shut using the domestic office stapler, or even a gun stapler, and leave a small gap where they can feed themselves through a straw. The downside is, is that you’ll have to invest in a good quality blender to liquidise all their food.
Desperatitis. This is a minor disease that appears to affect only single people, those in unhappy marriages, and those with an abundance of testosterone. Desperatitis often shows itself in social situations, where the afflicted throws themselves at healthy individuals, or tries to force themselves on unsuspecting people at the gathering. Desperatitis causes a temporary blockage in the brain, where the sufferer hallucinates and imagines that their attentions are welcome and that sex will cure the disease. Unfortunately, this is not the case, and sex with a healthy individual will just exasperate Desperatitis, and prolong the disease.
Procrastinitis. This disease creeps up on unsuspecting victims. It causes them to keep putting off things they know have to be done. Careful planning is not a cure. One of the symptoms of this disease, is telling all the people around you what you have to do, so that by the time you have to do it, you are tired from talking about it all the time, and no longer have the energy to do whatever it was you were supposed to do in the first place. A side effect of Procrastinitis, is other stress-related afflictions like peptic ulcers, caused by the diseased person always leaving things to the last minute and then having to pull all-nighters to get it done. A possible cure, is handcuffing the sufferer to the task that has to be done. A visit to an adult sex shop to buy some handcuffs, chains, whips and studded leather dog collars, would be a very supportive thing to do for a friend suffering from this disease.
Badorgasmitis. This is a very common disease caused by the Hollywood movie industry. Poor unsuspecting individuals watch celebrity actresses faking orgasms in movies, and they brainwash themselves that that is what good sex is all about. A symptom of this disease, is a woman who makes so much noise achieving her fake orgasm, that she blows her partner’s ear drum. The only known cures for Badorgasmitis are a frontal lobotomy in extreme cases, or a year’s subscription to Shiver Me Timbers Magazine, which gives handy tips on how to a fake an orgasm without literally bringing the house down. Hollywood orgasms are not real. The more noise you make and strange faces you pull does not mean the better the sex.
Fullashitalitis. This disease has been extensively covered in another article. Click on this link to find out more.
For more information please read Doctor Cindy’s book ‘Stop the world, I need to pee! Available on Amazon. Coming soon on Amazon, is Doctor Cindy’s self-help book – Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet.