Coping with Depression-My Experience
I woke up this morning and didn't want to get out of bed. I have felt this way before. It is a sudden change from being manic for weeks. I have been feeling it coming on for a day or two. Losing interest in most everything. Lack of motivation for the things I normally am excited about.
The feeling of depression descending is unwelcome. I want to be excited about life. I want to have passion for things. Everything is grey. I have been here before, I know what to expect. The last time, I was depressed for an entire year. I can't remember what I actually did, besides lay around wishing I was tired enough to sleep.
I hope it doesn't last that long this time. I plan to keep myself busy, whether I like ti or not. I will set my clock and get up at the same time every morning, and stick to a schedule. I will make myself get up and do things, like clean the house, cook, write and paint. I will write a detailed list of what I'm going to do each day, and do those things.
I don't want to spend another year sleeping my life away. If I can't enjoy it, I can at least be productive.
In and Out
The first section was written a while back. It's weird to look back on things I've written in a different state of mind. I go in and out of depression, which is due to my mood disorder.
I am unsure of my state at the moment. I am exhibiting signs of both mania and depression. I guess this is what they call a "mixed episode". I can't sleep, I am feeling the need to write all the time, and yet I FEEL depressed. This is worse than either depression or mania. I am also having psychotic symptoms, although luckily they are mild.
I would like to say I am coping but I am not. Usually I can feel somewhat better by just keeping busy as much as possible, and sticking to a schedule. But I can't seem to get a grip on things this time.
My meds are supposed to work as a mood stabilizer but I am not so sure they really do that. They are obviously not working for me right now. I am just glad I am lucid enough to be aware of that. I am able to function, but barely.
I have been focusing on writing mostly. Just writing. Writing and writing and writing. I will have to look over my posts later to see if there is anything I want to delete. But for now I will keep at it. Whatever is going to help me get through this.
I feel really alone right now. Even with people I love and who love me. I just can't relate to anyone right now. The world is far away. I am mostly in consensus reality, but it is far away still. I am totally focused on my inner world. I only slept for three hours last night. My brain just doesn't want to shut down. And then even if I fall asleep, weird energy wakes me up. I can't explain how the energy feels. It doesn't feel like normal energy. It has a weird spiritual aspect to it. It is physical and mental at the same time.
I am so tired right now. I feel like I could sleep for days. I want to go to sleep. Even my dreams are really weird. But they always have been. This is really frustrating and I don't know what to do about it. I think I will make an appointment with my therapist today. I cancelled the last appointment. I probably shouldn't have. I have never had to cope with a mixed episode before. I will have to learn to now. I will have to try new methods, and learn as I go. I will talk to my doctor about it as soon as possible. He is hard to get in to see though. My next appointment is in like two weeks. Maybe a bit longer than that.
For now I will just try to hang on. My therapist recommended yoga or meditation, but I will not go there. That's what got me into this mess in the first place.