Corrective Glasses for Looking at the Inward "I"
Sometimes looking inside of yourself for whatever reason can be shaky ground. We sometimes reflect on the "playback" of our minds and we tend to remember moments differently than from what really happened. At times we look back at the times when we were actively in the grips of our addictions and there is missing pieces to the puzzle of that certain place in time. You know, the what we did, what we used to be like, who we were back then, but even though we don't remember the exact nature of that point in time our minds tend to glamorize or "create a more fantastic truth" than what probably actually happened.
How many times have we thought back and believed that we were the "life of the party," the fun guy at the bar, or the most amazing conversationalist? Knowing full well that in reality we were more than likely the most obnoxious **** that night. Amazing that we don't truly know or remember, but are mind tell us that we were just absolutely brilliant. Even more amazing, is the fact that our minds convince us not to find out what really happened that night, because the truth may be more than we can handle. Such a blow to our ego would have smashed us, or ate us alive. Could you imagine if someone would have followed us around for one night with a video camera, recording us in full action mode? Then replaying it for us, only after we gave our version of what had happened that night. I don't know about you, but that would be equivalent to Dante's 3rd level.
Even now in recovery, really how many of us distort what is going on around us? How many times have you over-reacted to something said, or to a rumor started by someone? How many times do you "jump the gun" and become reactive, or blow something very small and meanial way, way out of proportion? I know I have been witness to it, and I have been guilty of it here or in the halls. We are an interesting piece of the human fabric. I think about this, we addicts for some reason or some how can take the most crucial, worst situations and navigate through them with ease; practically making us look like heroes in the eyes of others, but take in consideration when someone accidentally steps on our shoelace, or doesn't put something away exactly how we like it, and its World War III, Baby! And we are the nuclear bomb going to go Nagasaki one someone's ass!
Luckily, with help and a lot of hard work, we can learn how to take a step back and think it through. Giving us a chance to re-act like anyone else really would. Have you ever notice that back when we were active in our addiction the words "I'm sorry" "My mistake" or "I was wrong" were not in our vocabulary? Even now at times don't we still have trouble ingesting that little pills? Isn't it just so much easier to deflect the "heat" on us and manipulate the "heat" on to someone, or something else? Do you think that it is just coincidence the learning to admit our wrongs, and making amends (apologies) is in our recovery plans (steps).
Do you think that it is only by chance that everything we learn in recovery are really Corrective Lenses for our mind, body, and soul so we can have perfect vision of who we are?
