ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Do You Ever Wonder "Am I Good Enough?"

Updated on January 12, 2018

Do you ever wonder?

Do you ever wonder “Am I good enough?” or you already know that you are not? You already know that you are not good enough, you are good for nothing, you are such a loser. Or maybe it is not even a conscious thought, but some suspicion buried deep down within your psyche and you exert a lot of effort to prove to others that you are quite all right. Sometimes the most successful people are the most insecure, the most dysfunctional, the most miserable…

If you don't like yourself, you're going to have a really hard time getting along with anyone else.

~ Joyce Meyer

This is just silly

Insecurity is complicated. I simply did not realize that I was so insecure, but first I was talking and talking and talking and it did not help all that much. Then I was writing and writing and writing… and once I hit a painful spot and all I was doing was wondering “What happened?”

There are three types of people in this world:

those who make things happen,

those who watch things happen and

those who wonder what happened.

We all have a choice. You can decide which type of person you want to be. I have always chosen to be in the first group.

~ Mary Kay Ash

So, what happened?

My beautifully consistent and amazingly wonderful style of writing was not recognized until one day I wrote about how beautiful I was NOT. About how pathetically incapable I was of accepting compliments.

Yes, it is still true. After having written this article, I am still no closer to accepting compliments because I see them as nothing but a painful reminder of their untruthfulness. Not that compliments should be true. But somehow they always come from a place too remote from my self-image. And every time someone says “You are so beautiful!” I am thinking of how fat I am, my … (let me skip most of the details which are completely irrelevant). I think mirrors are helpful, they provide a reality check. But so do cameras.

From one insecurity to another

So the article “Am I Beautiful? Just Say Yes” proved to be helpful in many ways. And one day, thinking “I don’t have to be beautiful at all, it’s OK to be me, a curvy 42 year old woman with a lot of issues”, I build up a courage for yet another reality check. I decided to make a video. Not to show the world my beauty, but maybe to enhance my hubs which I stopped writing so many months ago.

I don’t have hubs. All I have is IDEAS. That was one of them – start making videos. And a video I made. In the spur of the moment, without any preparation, without any rehearsal, without any make-up, I made my appearance in a home video with my son.

I have put aside the insecurities about my looks and my son put aside any reason that he might have. He was having fun shaking the camera. The video is shaky in many respects, because it happened to shake my self-image. AGAIN.

Now you can see how “beautiful” I am. When I looked at it, insecurity stared me right in my ugly face. Don’t tell me I am beautiful. I have proof that I am not. But I learned to accept the looks. Now it was my voice that was killing me.

You Are Such a Clown!

I have conveniently forgotten how I always hated my voice and avoided any recording devices. I actually was happier for my ignorance. I manipulated my memory into forgettance. I think it is called motivated forgettance. Or forgettal. No, it is called MOTIVATED FORGETTING. How convenient!!!

Now I remembered. It’s not a voice, it’s a nightmare. I hate my own voice for it never stays in the same tonality – it goes down for English, it goes up for Russian and generally swims up and down anytime it pleases and I stay happily unaware of it.

However, that was not all. All the mannerisms were simply idiotic. Especially, every OCD ones…But…

But if I can navigate through what others say about me and make myself believe them, I can shape my self-image accordingly. It would not be too bad. The voice can be improved, the mannerisms can be worked on (as long as I am aware of what I have, I can SELECT what to keep as CUTE, and what to eliminate as NOT SO CUTE).

The best thing is that people like me. For whatever reason. They just do.

People find me funny. “You are such a CLOWN!” What a dubious compliment! But I accepted this one as a positive one. A funny clown or a sad clown…let me put a wig on..

It is what it is. In the worst case, you can look at me and say:

1) I am just like her. If she can appear in public sans make-up and a decent dress, in a wig and talk in that horrible voice, I can do it, too.

2) Thanks Heavens, I am not like her. I am so much better; therefore, I definitely can make my appearance.

It really should boost your self-esteem, if only by comparison. However, comparing yourself to others is not the best way. So, that’s decided. Don’t compare yourself to me. You are not as good as I am, but you are not as bad. You are simply different in a similar kind of way.

Instead of comparing, let’s do something else. It will require your favourite command: Cut and Paste. But first you have to collect something.

Creating a POSITIVE Image

Since most of us are insecure, all we do is put a good face on a sorry business. We are already good at it. I think the trouble is that we put someone else’s face and it does not match and we remain unconvinced. It creates an internal conflict, it creates angst and since we don’t believe in our own image, nobody else will.

I suggest doing some exercise. Let’s consciously create a positive self-image.

An image you will believe in and have no trouble sharing with others.

How can we create such an image?

Self-esteem is a matter of opinion and it is your opinion about yourself. Opinions are opinions; they are neither right nor wrong. Only your opinions about yourself are far more important than the opinions that others have of you.

The trouble is that if you have low self-esteem, it is harder to make it high without help of others. Don’t be lulled into the illusion that anybody will give you something objective. What others will offer you will be their own opinions that are as we know subjective by nature.

However, what others say about you is not for you to judge. It is none of your business.

Don’t judge, simply choose right – choose those people who like you. They must have a reason for that. Borrow their opinions for a while and accept them as true. Yes, manipulate the light a little bit. There is no harm in it. It’s a good exercise. It offers you flexibility. Asking for an opinion builds up courage.

What you think of yourself is much more important than what others think of you.

~ Marcus Annaeus Seneca

Don't let it. Denial! Denial! Denial!

When the opinions of others bothers you too much

I'm a rambler I'm a gambler I'm a long way from home
and if you don't like me than leave me alone
I'll eat when I'm hungry and I'll drink when I'm dry
and if moonshine don't kill me I'll live till I die

Before you proceed...

Whom are you likely to ask?

See results

How to create a positive self-image?

There is nothing easier.

If you wonder “Am I good enough…?”

1. Stop wondering.

2. Ask.

Whom to ask?

The key to self-esteem

You can ask anybody who know you. Who knows you?

The correct answer: nobody knows you and least of all you. But the good news is you can pick whom to ask. You can ask yourself and write an essay about yourself, but leave it until later. The point of the exercise is quite different.

You have to create a collage of what others think of you.

1. You will need to ask SIX people of your choice. The manipulation part is that YOU CHOOSE whom to ask.

2. You have to ask these six people to send you magazine pictures, postcards, sayings, photos, anything suitable for a collage that is symbolic of your strengths, skills, talents, in general – good qualities. Each person should select at least ten items and include an explanation for each item.

3. The collage must be completed within two weeks since the moment of sending your requests.

Ideally, you should share the result with the people who helped you with the material and explain what was helpful.

On the web-site where I found this idea, this collage is called “Overcoming Insecurity” Collage.

But I think that truly insecure people (like me!) may have difficulty asking their closest family members or close friends. I definitely would. And even if I asked and created such a WONDER of HOME THERAPY, I would feel awkward telling them “how exactly each of my friends” helped me overcome this or that particular insecurity.

I actually asked my nine year old son. Of course, it was a wrong choice. I did not even asked him for any collage items. I asked him whether I do some good qualities. First of all, he gave me a blank face. Then with some coaching, he said:

You are

1) A good collager (collage-maker);

2) A good cooker (chef);

3) A nice mom.

Of course, his “compliments” have absolutely no credibility for

1) I have never done a collage in my life;

2) Even if I cook something nice occasionally, his fierce refusal to eat it speaks volumes to the contrary (“You are a nice chef!”);

3) Before he gave me “you are a nice mom”, he said I was boring.

He can be very supportive. For example, in one of the videos,

he said: “Nobody is going to watch this!”

Asking my mother would be equivalent to courting disaster. I am not even going to try. Today she was offering me “Masks for healthy hair”. It was poorly camouflaged “What to do if you lose your hair”.

- Do my hair fall out?

- Don't they?

- I thought for a forty-two year old woman, one thing I should not complain about is my hair.

- If you say so.

Note: I am not trying to say that my mother does not love me. She does. She even says that I am beautiful. But I don’t believe her. At all. First of all, she was the one who gave this beautiful gift of inferiority complex (long story) and I know that of all people, she is the least objective. So, no. So, no, nay, never… And the wig in the videos had nothing to do with my mom’s comment. A wig only proves my COLOURFUL personality. Now, after what she has said, every time I will watch the video and every time I will see the wig… Don’t ask people with whom you have complicated relationships.

There is no need to be afraid, but just mind whom you ask. Nobody is objective, so ask people who tend to be nice to you or those whose perspective on things is more pleasant. I should ask those who tell me I am so beautiful.

And it's no, nay, never, no, nay, never, no more...

Plan B

I don’t feel bad advising you to make a collage the idea of which I found on some web-site. Last year, precisely one year ago, when I was thinking about leaving HubPages, I was going to make such a COLLAGE. Only it was called differently.

The idea was simple. I got a lot praise from the readers of my articles and, especially, from my HP friends. They were very supportive and generous with praise. So, all I was going to do was to collect the crème de la crème of the comments and make a collage. An article collage. The multimedia essence of hubs allows making it beautiful.

I did not do it. I tend to over think things and forget to act. One of the reasons was that I could not be so narcissistic as to show the world how great I was.

But guess what? It is another insecurity

If I collect comments of other writers (my readers) it is only a collection of their comments. If I have to sell myself and talk myself up what could be better than what others said rather than what I said.

And with this short explanation there is my call to action –






1. If nothing comes out of it, you can just look at it every day when you need a boost in self-esteem.

2. You can refer others to see it and get inspired.

Would you have the courage to publish it?

As an HP Article Collage?

Maybe as an addition to your profile?

Maybe HP will have a contest of the best collage later. Maybe.


Just do it.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      8 months ago from Toronto, Canada

      Hello Mr. Happy!

      Thanks for stopping by. Again. :)))

      God, what a boring article! I think it is one my worst!!! I could barely suffer through it and just like you, yep, I forgot. Had I to edit it, I would do away with 60%, but it's best for scrapping altogether.

      I don't think I will ever be "secure" - the looks, the voice, the lot of it. I have to confirm that pitch changes from language to language and it was confirmed when one of the actors whose voice I took for granted when he spoke English, switched to his native Italian. Yes, the pitch went up just like in Russian. There is also pitch difference between English and French, between Russian and French. That's all normal.

      Most of what I mentioned in this article is normal for the majority of people including feeling uneasy being on a receiving end of compliments. However, if before I expressed my opinions based it safely on my experience and thoughts, but now I have learned so much about so many things that I have fewer questions, dilemmas and more explanations. It's fun to know more.

      You were a chain-smoker in high school? Really? Sports and chain-smoking?

      I made one collage. The idea was different - to create an image of an ideal you or an ideal life for you or both or something to that extent. Yes, use magazine cuttings and paste them on a blank white sheet.

      I think the only abnormal and pointless collage was mine. I should include it somewhere in the illustrations. If I ever write again (on HP, I mean).

      I enjoyed reading and rereading comments for this article including my own

      "The moment I complete something watch out - it will be Purple Rain or Green Snow". I was laughing. For couple of reasons, one of them - yesterday I was writing a piece and part of it was "The Record of Completion" - about why my highest score is about 80%".

      I don't know why you picked this particular title to read - choices of others often puzzle me, but I also just could not miss "The Government" thing.

      If you ask me for six pieces of hard "evidence" for your collage, even though I probably SHOULD think of you as an activist and a person interested in politics and social sciences and all things that you are. Instead I would go for a picture of a white wolf (that's obvious), a horse, countryside and Romania as I saw it recently in Romanian movies (I watched a few, but one honourable mention - "12:08 East of Bucharest").

      I would not give you any explanations being true to my pointless collage making skills, but there is one thing that makes me think of you without fail and that is very often - is when I ask others to watch a video which has a potential of causing spitting food or drink. I put warnings everywhere. And I have this spitting all over experiences myself. Maybe your experience saved a few lives :)))

      The choreography or lack thereof is inexplicable. But I have to admit that no matter how ridiculous I find his dancing, I actually used the song almost in a continuous loop when I was writing my favourite piece. Maybe that's why I almost completed it.

      I can't say I came back to write on HP - I published a few hubs of various quality, but they were not a success. And as far as the project I wanted to do goes (collage and the book and all), I really hope this time there will be a Purple Rain.

      All the best to you,

    • Mr. Happy profile image

      Mr. Happy 

      8 months ago from Toronto, Canada

      "There are three types of people in this world:

      those who make things happen,

      those who watch things happen and

      those who wonder what happened." - I frequent all three areas. Why not?

      "Now you can see how “beautiful” I am." - Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. On top of which, most people refer to beauty when looking at the shell. I am more interested what is inside the shell and not so much in the shell itself. And about the voice, some years back someone told me that I sound very different when I speak French than when I speak English. So, I paid attention and indeed I do sound rather different when changing languages. I like that though. Maybe because I am a Gemini and one voice doesn't work well for the two of us.

      "Am I good enough…?" - I never asked anyone this question and I am quite sure that I will not. Why? Because I don't care. Haha ... some do think I am a snob but again: I don't care. I do what I do and that's about it. Whether anyone agrees, or not, that changes nothing for me.

      The other thing about this question is: good enough for what? I do recall being in the track and field team in high-school. I ran the 100 meters and I thought I was pretty fast. I still think I was and still am but ohh boy, when I got to the level of city competitions ... I was left in the dust by most other competitors. I do remember thinking: "Ya, I'm not good enough for this." And I was not good enough for competing at a more serious level. How could I be? I was chain smoking cigarettes in between my runs and I hardly ever showed-up to practice. I was just doing my own thing among others, as usual.

      I never had issues with self-esteem. For me, studying/learning/hunting knowledge always gave me that security with my self-esteem. So, what I needed to do was to watch the Ego and keep chopping away at it. I also trained in martial arts and that provided a second layer of security/protection. Never gave a thought to insecurity - I never felt it. I felt depression, anxiety ... many things across my path but never insecurity.

      I can't say what would cure it for others but for me the antidote was knowledge and martial arts : )

      Fun read, as always. And good to see your writing again. All the very best!

      P.S. Looks like I had already commented here but since I forgot about that comment, this one counts too lol

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Thank you, Jennifer!

    • Jennifer Lynch profile image

      Jennifer Lynch 

      5 years ago from Stowmarket, Suffolk.

      This is awesome wow! I am married to the Universe also. I love it!

    • Gareth Pritchard profile image

      Gareth Pritchard 

      5 years ago from North Wales

      I still like the idea and I have published my plan on your hub so now all I need to do is copy it and print it off so I can put it in my pocket to remind me when I am visiting these people.

      It will not be difficult because they are the only people I visit, I stopped doing friends about 10 years ago because they take up too much time so I just kept my very best ones.

      I don't need luck as much as I need motivation but I have printed my plan now and it is in my pocket so all I have to do is remember.

      Thanks again, Gareth.

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Thank you, Gareth, for reading my hub. So far, nobody did this collage or I'd rather say nobody did it on HubPages. It is not only an honesty issue. Probably people who are in the greatest need of such collages, are the ones who would hesitate the most. Nobody wants to be seen as insecure or even worse - vain.

      You can be honest and successful, it just depends how much you disclose about yourself. It would not be wise to disclose everything, but I am one of those people who tend to disclose more than less. Maybe it is because I have those things to disclose when others may not.

      Use your own judgment and my recommendation would be - do it rather than not - even if you publish something and you are not happy with it, you can always unpublish it.

      I have my collage pending and the more I think about it, the more I am of the conviction that I will do it some day (do as in finish and publish). It is just a matter of time when I will be emotionally ready to take criticism for it.

      Again use your judgment.

      Good luck,


    • Gareth Pritchard profile image

      Gareth Pritchard 

      5 years ago from North Wales

      Again I have enjoyed this hub if only because I want to create a collage using the instructions but take it a little bit further if I can. I am a bit like you though, I over think things or lose interest but often have ideas. I just don't see them through as often as I have them. Anyway I am going to pick 6 people, 2 males friends who are my best friends, 2 female friends who are my best friends and two young people I know well enough to ask.

      I am going to write what I think they will do, down on paper before I ask and then make a collage of my honesty, I am really going to try to be honest. Then I am going to make the collage out of the whole project.

      Then I might make a hub with it, I am a bit unsure about doing the hub because of privacy issues and I don't like the way my honesty has been used against me, many times in the past.

      I have been accused more than once of being too open and honest, which makes me really mad because it just shows how dishonest these people are and they always seem to do better than me for it. It makes me think that successful people are dishonest.

      Anyway I have a plan and by the way I am not that insecure about most things most of the time, just some things some of the time.

      Another big thumbs up for you and a thank you, Gareth, a BogStanDad human being.

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Thank you, Chatkath! I don't feel so brave even though I have to admit that you are the second person to tell me this within a last couple of days.

      I wrote this hub back in September, now I am more concerned with "HOW to get out of...." and it is not easy. I still have not done the collage - every time I come back to the thought, I am afraid that it would be considered as a sign of vanity rather than bravery. Which is the whole point of doing it in the first place.

      I am very happy to hear from you - I guess you do not make too many comments - judging by your Commenter Level Number. Mine slid back to number 5 from 7. I am not so much here anymore. Pondering what to do and how to do it.

      I hope you are doing well.

      All the best and Happy Holidays!

    • Chatkath profile image


      5 years ago from California

      My, such familiar issues we have. This is excellent Svetlana, you are an amazing person and an amazing parent! Very brave to delve into the whys in life, why do we feel the way we do about ourselves, can we change, will we change, is change important and why? Questions is always what I end up with!

      I think you are on the right path, looking past the simple and the obvious and you are very real - refreshing!

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Thank you, Gabby McMahon!

      Good for you. I cannot say the same for myself - I am struggling with the illness that takes the better of me and recently I was not really on top of things.

      I'll just make a note - visualize goals. Let it be my goal for today - visualize a goal per day.

      Thanks. It's gratifying to know that someone at some point reads what I write!

      All the best,

    • Gabby McMahon profile image

      Gabby McMahon 

      6 years ago from Ennis, Co Clare, Ireland

      fantastic hub! I regularly (every morning) visualize my goals and also review my day at the end of each day. I find both these methods extremely helpful in trying to achieve my goals.

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      My dear Teresa:

      Yes, I agree with you. I am blaming my bipolar condition for my procrastination, impulsiveness, lack of ... too many qualities that I used to have only because I was lucky to have them before the illness has stricken so badly.

      However, I cannot turn back. Forward, only forward, even if the only thing I can do is crawl.

      Out of my three-items list - I barely finished two - well, I have to finish it - it is laundry and wet laundry is just not cool.

      The mistake that I made for today - I picked three rather large tasks and it makes it harder to complete all three. On top of all this carnival, my son called to complain about hid Dad's methods and then I had to talk to my ex - he found nothing better than to threaten to take me to court.

      And it all started with Daniel failing a quiz in French. My ex is going to make Daniel hate French. That would be great. And I was boiling and cursing the whole day.

      Now, I am sort of cooling off - pushing myself for my List Item #3.

      And Happy Thanksgiving!

      We have Thanksgiving today - the only thanks that I was able to deliver was "Thank God that I had enough courage and recklessness to break the marriage that did not work".

      And the good news - I am actually working on my assignment.

      A big hug and lots of love from Canada

      the day today was sunny and very beautiful.


    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 

      6 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      Dear Svetlana Dolores,

      Many folks have a doctor there is no click with, essentially useless... I am sorry you lost your doctor and will hope that you will find the perfect replacement.

      Despite this, your self work is admirable. Small changes last, this is reality. Small steps keep us going on our journey when we are in a lower state. It is so much more preferable than being paralyzed by our emotions.

      In no way am I demeaning you, but I know many people who are changeable, inconsistent and they are not all bipolar by a long shot.

      Life in general encourages us to be changeable in different circumstances, with different people, when having different emotional reactions. If we are honorable in acknowledging how we feel, I vote for being who we are when the mood strikes us.

      Keep living, girl and we will take baby steps together. Love, Teresa

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      My dearest Teresa:

      I agree with you - there was one stage last year when I did a lot of soul-searching... It was painful, but necessary.

      I was going up and eventually I broke down - even under the ever-watchful eye of a doctor. Now he closed his practice and it is not safe for me to experiment with medications at all. I don't have a new doctor - it might take months... and there is no guarantee he will be as good. [I had a doctor before and I was getting into a hospital almost twice a month, yet he refused to see the condition. I don't have to say it was not helpful at all].

      So, I am trying really small steps - the balance maintenance is crucial. The mood also - because - it is hard for me to monitor something using that something as a measuring device and knowing that is malfunctioning anyway. So, basically, that creates the situation where I cannot trust myself entirely.

      That is my activity on the internet might seem directed everywhere - but I simply trying to keep myself afloat. A few things I tried to write keeping a certain focus - all of them went to garbage. I sort of try to persevere.

      I am thinking of you, gals, all the time. I found a rosary with Saint Theresa - it is right there on my desk, I even wore it one day - I - who would never wear anything with a cross. I met an almost unbelievable woman in Chapters (our book chain) - beautiful, radiating light. She made me laugh. But the overall "venturing out" was basically a disaster. Maybe not such a disaster...

      You see, my thoughts get in a knot... So, I'd better stop.

      I started reading a book on procrastination - but it is clear for me now - my procrastination, impulsiveness is all a result of an illness - even as a child I showed unparalleled self-control and responsibility. Now, I can't.

      I will be looking for ways to make smallest changes possible and looking for things that make me feel good, that give me a sense of accomplishment. Yes, regardless of what others say - still very hard.

      The hardest part for being bipolar - I am not very consistent and people don't know how to deal with it - even though I am who I am, I did not change. My states change, but not my core.

      Thank you for your support again and again,

      Lots of love,


    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 

      6 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      Teresa can be kinda bossy in a loving way, just sayin...

      Svetlana, Dear,

      I don't know you as well nearly as Sista but this is my take on it all...

      You sound like you know yourself better than anyone. Please listen to yourself always.

      You may give no one the power to change the way you feel about yourself. Others' thoughts, actions and judgments are just that, how they feel.

      Focus on really liking, preferably loving, yourself. And if you don't, then you break it down and work on it one step at a time.

      Lean on the caring people in your world. Often, that is not family. They may love you but sometimes the care is lacking, not understood.

      I agree with Martie about the meds but ask you to talk to your doctor. Weaning is better, and you just want to keep communication open.

      Keep your life jacket close by so you do not sink... Their names are Martie, Teresa, others you trust.

      Life is a journey, ebb and flow...relatively speaking, you are stronger than ever and must take the time you need to get centered. please believe in yourself. I sure do.

      Lots of hugs and love, Teresa

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Martie, I agree. I am so happy for you, I cannot even have enough words.

      Just kick me occasionally - "Svetlana! Wake up!" - Something like that or I might sink like "Titanic"...

    • MartieCoetser profile image

      Martie Coetser 

      6 years ago from South Africa

      Svetlana, you do have all my sympathy. Honestly, my heart goes out to you!

      Getting out of that rut you are in begs for a miracle. You should get out and away, traveling, filling your memory (and system) with new experiences and information. (Jung's theory - new information/experiences excite and uplift us. When it sink into short-term and long-term memory, we fall into depression. Therefor we have to stimulate the brain constantly with new knowledge and experience.)

      I am in the most fortunate circumstances now, accompanying Mr. B on his business trips - when possible, considering my job from 8-1 and only 21 days leave per year - seeing towns and places I've never seen before, just having a ball. You need to do something like this. Maybe you could look for opportunities free from danger, and, of course, in your capacity as a writer doing research.

      All my best wishes to you :)

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      My dearest Martie:

      I was so low - that I almost considered writing to you and Teresa -

      I am sinking like Titanic!

      I am not on too many meds - actually only one mood stabilizer at the moment - the changes in mood are sneaky - by the time they are in effect - it's too late - the tide is already dragging me in one or the other direction...

      If I am high (in energy, motivation, inspiration), the idea is to minimize my activity so that I won't overturn. If I am low (have no energy) - I have to push myself into doing something to create momentum...

      It is anti-intuitive - so I cannot use my natural momentum at all - or the whole theory is crap. Feeling good (about myself and being in a good mood) is paramount as I discover.

      I agree, meds may not be the ticket. I am just sitting and thinking - what can I do to improve the mood first, get minimal energy and get moving.

      How long this saga will take?

    • MartieCoetser profile image

      Martie Coetser 

      6 years ago from South Africa

      Svetlana, I must emphasize this most relevant description of yours, of all True Selves ~ "Water is water, yet it can be in different states, it can be frozen as ice, it can be snow, it can be warm or cold, it can be calm, it can rage, it can evaporate... and it is still very true to itself."

      Perfectly stressed!

      And so is fire.....

      And Earth and Air....

      Re your feeling of numbness and fatigue ~ I am still blaming medicine for this specific condition I was in at the time of my burnout (including depression) in 2000. But I had to use the medicine until all chemical imbalances were rectified. After six months I was able to reduce tranquilizers (anti-anxiety stuff) and in particular the sleeping pills. The latter are like cement in my system. Really, I could hardly function with them in my bloodstream, and I've taken but only one per evening. I have forgotten the medical term for the staying of ingredients in the system even while they have fulfilled their purpose. Honestly, I hate medicine! So during my last burnout (2010) I refused to use them and only took the anti-depro's while practicing all natural ways to get my chemicals in balance again.

      Anyway, maybe it is time to wean yourself of some of the meds? I can recommend Vitamin B's for the restoring of energy.

      You are always on my mind! Take care, Svetlana :)

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Thank you, Karen, for your comment and for your warm, reassuring words. Indeed, it's not easy at all - I would not consider it a burden if I had energy - I would just shoot out with my ideas to the people who understand, but my curse is not the understanding itself or my personality (I kind of got used to the personality by now!), but it is my lack of energy.

      It is hard to live when every day is a struggle, when my brain feels like some mushy substance unable to do what it used to do.

      And when I said - I need someone here to be able to motivate me and energize me - a friend/partner/coach/ - I did really mean it. Someone to make me laugh!

      I don't generate energy on my own - I need other people to interact with - my family is not enough - my parents suck more energy out of me than they give back (they support me as well - so it goes in both directions, of course).

      Daniel is probably the only person who is willing to play and goof around and sometimes he is helpful, but he is a child.

      I do sound like a complainer, but this year has been the most difficult. My motivation dwindles, my energy fizzles out, it's like the proof to my parents "She'll never amount to anything. She is sick".

      Thank you, Karen, for listening - maybe the mood will change soon. I have to, have to, have to get out of this quagmire.

    • ImKarn23 profile image

      Karen Silverman 

      6 years ago

      Let me tell you what i see in you, my new friend! I see a very old soul who is cursed with the gift of insight - and is tortured every day by it! Your desire to improve, grow, learn, understand, expand, evolve, be better - comes pulsating from every word you write! Listen - ignorance IS bliss - and most never conceive of their lives as anything more than this very moment! You see much deeper and much further - and it's not easy!

      It's time to be proud of your individuality - and that you're NOT a sheep!

      Your son knows it - i hear him giggling and playing behind that shaky camera. He enjoys spending his time with his special mom, and - so do i!

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Dear Mr. Happy:

      Thanks for stopping by - the moment I complete something - watch out - it is going to be a Purple Rain or Green Snow.

      I just can't - my brain is in constant fog.

      I don't really hate myself or hate my voice so much - I can live with most things (not my brain, my brain is killing me with the bipolarity), but they gave me only one! Bastards!

      Just joking. Yes, Daniel is funny. I loved when he said

      "Both. I watch and I do it".

      I tried to concentrate so much that I was as stiff as a corpse. Of course, all normal people watch, do and then wonder what happened.

      But the beauty was that we did not rehearse and I still thought - if I can be seen the way it is - and I looked retarded - it was late in the evening and the day was exhausting...

      I hope to continue writing, if it does not happen at the moment - well, I am an expert at waiting - that means I have to do everything to find a way to cajole my creativity and productivity out of the lethargic state they decided to enter.

      I have to say that I love your comments - the magic carpet, Aladdin, Tarzan, trees, the wind - maybe the wind will clear my head!

    • Mr. Happy profile image

      Mr. Happy 

      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      I forgot to mention that I think I have some photos of myself from when I was a kid making very similar faces to those which Daniel was making - made me laugh!!

      Cheers to Daniel as well and all the best to You! : )

    • Mr. Happy profile image

      Mr. Happy 

      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      But I learned to accept the looks. Now it was my voice that was killing me. - That's funny. I think You are perhaps a little too critical of yourself ...?

      Do you hate your own voice? - I never thought about this but I don't think I actually care much about my voice. I'm not a singer.

      '" it goes down for English, it goes up for Russian" - That happens to me too, especially when I go from English to French.

      Haha!! The Moonshiner video is awesome - I shall dedicate it to my father. : )

      You say You never made a collage but to a certain extent, I see many of your articles as collages. You have photos, drawing, videos, obviously words, stories, etc. Sometimes reading some of your thoughts it's like flying through the jungle holding on to Tarzan, who is jumping from tree to tree. It's an exciting ride, in my opinion. : )

      I think a collage made-up of different comment could certainly be interesting! You have lots of comments to pick from, over the years.

      I am happy You are still around Hub-pages. It's not so bad (except the advertising ... why am I starring at Foreign Exchange Services - haha!).

      Thank You for a fun read, Kallini.


    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      My dear Martie - we certainly derailed in many ways. The idea is that we don't live alone, we live and we constantly give and get feedback (unless we don't care at all!) and we adjust our behaviour according to the feedback.

      Even "knowing one's true self" comes from the feedback. How would you know if you are kind to others if there are No OTHERS around? How would you figure out you are an extravert if you stay alone in a prison? Ok, in a desert...

      Even the knowledge of oneself depends when, how, who...

      Water is water, yet it can be in different states, it can be frozen as ice, it can be snow, it can be warm or cold, it can be calm, it can rage, it can evaporate... and it is still very true to itself.

      All the feedback than can be either indifferent, positive (slightly more positive than true - a compliment), negative, slightly too negative than true is a probably an insult.

      So, I had to come back to the idea of my original article - the collage one and I thought

      "And why is this not happening?"

      And one reason is my timing is OFF. As usual. Maybe I should get back to the idea of the collage. Regardless of how far off the opinions of others might be. It is important to know how they see me, in what light.

      The more open and honest they are, the better for me. If they did not want to hurt my feelings, then I still will believe (choose to believe) in their honesty (I'll give everyone the benefit of the doubt) and use their opinions as reflections that I cast on the world!

      The shadows....

    • MartieCoetser profile image

      Martie Coetser 

      6 years ago from South Africa

      Dear Svetlana, I can but only say 'amen' to your reply to Docmo. I honestly agree with every word.

      Only we can know if we are good enough for a particular person, work or hobby or whatever. If we know we are, we have the necessary self-assurance to be who we are. We simply radiate self-assurance and command respect from others. If we know we are not good enough, we will feel insecure and we will be subjective to the opinion of others, with disastrous consequences, allowing them to mutilate our self-esteem. So we are back to the most important task we have: To know our true self. To develop it according to our own (realistic) aspirations. To accept what we cannot change. We have to make peace with ourself. I think I've covered this issue in my hub 'Perspectives: Knowing your True Self - Happiness is Mind over Matter.'

      We may know that we ARE good enough for a particular partner, but at the same time we could know that the particular partner is not able to acknowledge and appreciate us. Then the decision is ours - stay or leave.... Decisions, decisions, decisions...

      I am not sure if I went on a tangent. I have to come back to read your hub again. Maybe we need a 3rd hub to connect the loose threads?

      12:25am down here. (I am really trying to get more sleep! So I'm crawling to bed now. Yes, too tired to walk. I'll 'see' you again soon!)

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Thank you, Docmo, for your comment. I am glad to hear that you agree with me and the idea of Martie's comment becoming a hub was such a successful one.

      It's not the compliments (or insults) as such that are the problem, it is our reaction to them that show our weak spots. There is another thought - maybe our whole society either does not give enough compliments or just the wrong ones so that we are reacting it in such a strange, but universal ways?

      Martie commented that it took courage to appear in a video "as is" as oppose to the celebrities that try their best to appear in a role "of their best". But my appearance actually proved to be LIBERATING.

      First of all -

      I can look much worse - it all depends on the lighting,

      but, secondly and most importantly, I certainly can look and sound much better if I make a special effort.

      But in the end, I am who I am, I look the way I look and the best part of me is my heart and my personality.

      If people like me, chances are we become friends.

      If people don't, then there is no need to become anything.

      After all, the weight we assign both to compliments and insults depends on our relationship with the one dispensing their "opinions".

      When I am really not in the mood to discuss why I did not like this or that, I might say:

      "Your approval is not needed. Your criticism is not welcome".

      Maybe not the best, but quite to the point.

      I don't need everybody to like or love me. Insincere friends are hardly my friends.

      And I do believe that we do grow and change and our self-image as well. The importance of compliments, insults, opinions is that others is the mirror we look at. We live in the world of reflections. We change, reflections change and it is crucial to be perceptive and sensitive.

      But sensitivity comes with a price - we are able to feel pain. We are vulnerable because we are human. People who brag to be self-contained and independent of anybody or anything are usually those ones who do not experience LOVE.

      Thanks for your comment, Docmo,

      I certainly went on a tangent, but I still have a feeling that I am searching for the answer...

      Thank you for your patience and the support you showed to my friend Martie.

      Wishing you a great day,


      Toronto, Canada

      Sept. 24, 2012

    • Docmo profile image

      Mohan Kumar 

      6 years ago from UK

      I love the way the idea and the insight has been developed here as much as i love the interaction between you and Martie, Svetlana. ( I came here from Martie's hub) Like you I too had issues with self image and insecurities stemming from all sorts of reasons. Moving continents made things worse initially but slowly but surely my 'image' developed into something more accurate and painted with self worth . I am in a happier place now and the old shadows do lurk occasionally only soon to be banished by inner sunshine. Thanks for reminding us!

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Martie, I forgot to mention - I still did not approve three of my comments - two of them are yours and one writeronline's - it was ten months ago - I meant to work with them - I did not even write a response...

      I hope the time has come to release things into open space! Finally!!!

      My thinking is lateral, not horizontal, not vertical, not spiral...


      Laterally speaking...

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      My dear Martie:

      And why is this NOT a hub with pictures?

      As I told Teresa - collage will be done, I don't know when - there is a pressing thing I have to deal with before I can do anything. I did a draft - but it did not turn out to be to my satisfaction.

      I might do other things on HP - things that require less thinking - like a poem every now and then...

      I did not find anything objectionable about you in the opinions of your family...

      I guess the sister that did not like your ways was Santa? Sounds like Santa Klaus... I am sorry, I am not making fun, I am saying, did she have trouble with this name or not? I am always curious...

      With me, my dearest Martie, you would not have such luck as to cleaning my "pig... aerogare" - you are TOO FAR!!! But, honestly, my challenge for today is to clean up my own bed - I have not slept in it for about nine months. You can have a baby in this time... I was sleeping in Daniel's room and he was sleeping in the living room - he already told me - I AM NOT MOVING!!!

      I am not going to give the whole story as to why - but let's say - today is a big day. I am happy to live the change, not only talk about it.

      Love you,


    • MartieCoetser profile image

      Martie Coetser 

      6 years ago from South Africa

      Hi Svetlana, just confirming that I can no longer see my comment in here - the one you've undertaken to release in order for me to turn it into a hub. I will soon publish it, or at least parts of it.

      I look forward to see the collage you are planning to do of yourself according to the opinions of others. I am sure you will enjoy this one of me, although it is only a collage with words. (You've read it before.)

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      That's going to be AWESOME, not to mention that I am turning 42!

      Wishing you a great day,


    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 

      6 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      OK, now I have a goal...this would be so awesome and to actually debut on your uber-cool birthday is my new obsession.

      Give me a bit of time to put pen to paper and I will have Sista hook us up with e-mail exchange.

      Hope you are having a good day. Hugs, Teresa

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      The HA-HA-HA thing is that your comment was written 42 minutes ago and 42 is my almost SACRED number by now.

      I can't say NO to anything that has 42 in it - it is my SIGN.

      I would not even say NO without it (how many people did ask me for an interview before?) and if you manage to get it around October 31 - you'd be officially the SWEETEST thang in the Universe.

      I was born on the bloody Halloween.

      No, of course, there is no pressure - for either of us - if you do it, if you don't... I'll remember your intention.

      I love simplicity as well - but I can't just help it - complexity is fascinating.

      And my ideas - if I can't do them now, I still rarely abandon them - it only means - I am NOT ready to pull it off now. I need more time to polish...

      In the meantime, I am writing comments and they often prove to be the best ...

      Take care,


    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 

      6 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      Dear Svetlana,

      Family is sure funny, and I do not always mean ha-ha. I appreciate complexity, yet the older I get, I want things in my life chunked and doable...some I veer towards simplicity.

      This interview series is 30 and with the guys, it was will go through October. I am now thinking of a solely and wholly complex interview, exclusively to ask you to do... That's my next thang!

      As always, I do not pressure and can clearly take no for an answer.

      Love, Teresa

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Thank you, Born2care2001, for your comment.

      I don't know if I ever will be able to agree with this quote.

      To say to someone "You are not good enough!" is to say something that is incomplete.

      Not good enough for whom? Not good enough for what?

      But the same goes for "I am good enough". Again? For whom? For what?

      Language is very misleading and half the trouble we have is language related, it is how we express our thoughts.

      I was recommended to read Edward Bono and I looked him up - check him out if you wish. I only give you one quote from wikipedia not to overload the comment:


      "Lateral thinking is different from our normal perceptions regarding creativity and innovation, and it is even different from pure vertical logic and pure horizontal imagination:

      Purely horizontal thinking is known as daydreaming. Fantasy. Mysticism. The purely horizontal thinker has a thousand ideas but puts none of them into action. He or she sees the big picture and all its possibilities but has little interest in linear, step-by-step implementation.

      Purely vertical thinking leads to compliance, conformity, and a false sense of knowledge. (False because it’s often just memorization in disguise. The student knows what to do without understanding why.) The purely vertical thinker is a nit-picker, a legalist, a tight-ass."


      Nothing is true and nothing is false.

      You are good enough and you are not good enough.

      You know enough and you can never possibly know enough.

      As far as having enough... I'd probably say - yes, I think you do - you are alive and even able to communicate with the world at large.

      But the collage idea - if you want to feel good about yourself in a different way or to see yourself...

      I have to implement this idea - so everyone who came to read the article can have a glimpse of what came out of it. My kind of collage.

      Thank you again for reading and for your comment, it means a lot to me!

      All the best


      Toronto, Canada

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      My dearest Teresa:

      Thank you for your understanding. I know that self-care is not selfish. But what I have at home... is something that I would call - a lack of balance. I need a pillar of strength given my raging moods, but my mother is very reactive and sometimes she makes it double - double positive or double negative and that I can't always manage. Of course, without her I might have not managed at all.

      But, never mind, it is the reality and adjusting to it has been a long process.

      As far as the collage - doing it the way the other article suggested would be simple.

      But if you have to select one attribute that does NOT describe me it would be simple.

      Simple to select - of all things I am,


      Maybe that is why I am so amazing. So, the idea was to create a mirror house and I spent a lot of time and effort last year and I collected material, finally understood the concept myself, but I did not manage "The Mirror/Glass House" itself.

      In fact, I did the shortest hub possible, but it was very far from what I wanted.

      It was my a cop out way of doing things. Besides, I was getting sick and I could not manage over stimulation at the time. Not that the idea was wrong - I still love it (I do love all my ideas, but the Mirror House was one of the central ones), and that is why I don't want to do a crappy job.

      However, due to my naturally unbalanced style of life, there are other things pressing at the moment and I should put all HP things on the back burner. AGAIN.

      As much time as I would be able to dedicate to it - that how slow it will progress. I hope to do it, but as I say - I should refrain from promises. I used to be very responsible and reliable, so it still pains me when I make a promise and I don't keep it.

      Tell me, how many people did you interview?

    • Born2care2001 profile image

      Rev Bruce S Noll HMN 

      6 years ago from Asheville NC

      Hi kallini2010,

      Super Hub! Well presented and thought provoking with great message! My answer came from Naomi Judd of all people. In a book she said this and I have adopted it:

      "I know enough, I have enough, I am enough!" Like the quotes you have listed here...she's right. So are you!

      Voted Up!

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 

      6 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      When I undertake this... And I know it will need to be after the interview series as I never take on (much) more than drives me mildly zany...

      I will tackle it like I advise my students in Holistic nursing class. I ask them to come up with a vision board to work on a goal that seems too big. They get centered and are able to focus on bites of the beast...about all that I would hope for in this short class. I urge them to include some form of self-care in the planning.

      Just my thoughts and far from wrong is anything having to do with being good to ourselves. as I tell these ladies, "Self care is not selfish."

      Love, Teresa

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Thank you, Teresa!

      I did not think that you would indulge in pufferies, anyway - you don't seem to be the type.

      I did the first draft - it is not even a draft and I was not happy with it - my usual story.

      The House of Mirrors or the House of Wonderfulness is such a long story with me... So, one day... Even though, I am trying to push myself, but sometimes what I have to do is (or feels) counter-intuitive...

      Even though, procrastination is one of my biggest flaws, I am not happy to release something I am so not happy about. Besides, such a collage is so personal. It takes more courage than just sit in front of the camera and make a fool of myself. Now, it just feels wrong and narcissistic, even though it is not.

      So, I have to balance it out somehow -

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 

      6 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      I promise - no false praise, ever.

      Authentic blue feels right to me as well.

      I look forward to your collage, Svetlana.

      Hugs, Teresa

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Martie, I just mailed you your comment - in case you can not see it any more.

      It is not an obligation I am trying to create for you - I am only holding a mirror.

      And about celebrities - if you need to see real insecurity - look no further and that is why ordinary people love them so much! Celebrities like babies are dependent on admiration.

      Oh, she is so beautiful! Yeah, but look at her skin! But now a throng of paparazzi is chasing her when she is in a bikini...


    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      My dear Martie -

      I wish I could give you a hug and a bit more now.

      It was not your fault, at least not entirely -

      maybe you could have been more...

      sensitive, but

      without other people telling you how your actions make them feel...

      just remember one simple rule

      the responsibility is always 50/50.

      You were not horrible, you were unaware.

      Unless you KNEW you were horrible.

      I held resentment for a long time and then I rebelled.

      I EXPLODED. It was ugly, the things that I have said...

      However, how could I be a perfect person? How would I learn to forgive if I never needed to be forgiven myself?

      And I am not a perfect mother to Daniel, I know that. I simply do what I can do. Not even my best.

      But knowing my HONESTY, you can believe me that at least I say what I think.

      With my mom? I only try to maintain peace. But she is so reactive that I am sitting on a barrel with gunpowder with a matchbox in my hand. I never know when the next explosion is due.

      And one of the worst thing to say to her when she EXPLODES

      "Mom, please, stop it". That is putting some more fuel into the fire.

      She is not a bad person, far from it, it is just she won't understand. Remember when you said that the real pain in the neck are those 50+ who are stuck being seventeen.

      My mom said - "I was an adult at 13 and I did not change much".

      I guess she did not.

      I would give an advice (knowing that it is a right thing to do if you can) to make peace with your sister or any other people in your closest circle who mean a lot to you...

      but I myself

      I can forgive my mother, I can live in peace with her

      but I can't

      kiss or hug her.

      And, yes, I feel horrible about it, but I just can't.

    • MartieCoetser profile image

      Martie Coetser 

      6 years ago from South Africa

      Svetlana, I know your emotions, provoked by your mother’s honest opinion (at last) about the painting. I am actually struggling with the same kind of emotions since I’ve heard my sister’s true feelings about something I have done in the far past. She never uttered her thoughts. We were indoctrinated with the rule, “If you don’t have something nice to say, shut your mouth!”

      I am the eldest of five; we are never rude to each other, although we were while we were children under one roof – of course, never in the presence of our parents. Rudeness towards each other was against the rules. Punishment was a long, serious sermon that pulled tears we did not know we had, and a solemn promise sealed with a kiss and a hug (to be given to our parents and the ‘victim’ of our rudeness.) Traumatic!

      As an adult I was being me, all the way under the impression that my sister accepted me and my doings for what it were – just me being me (at that stage). In the meantime she was angry, swearing in her beard, nurturing discontentment, and worse of all, everybody (except me) knew she was. Poor she, horrible me. And not one of them, not even my mother, told me about it.

      I would have respected her feelings if she had shared them with me; I would have backed off; I would have realized that I was overstepping her privacy. By keeping her thoughts to herself, and worse, sharing it with our brothers and sister, she kept me ignorant.

      Imagine, you don’t tell Daniel that something he does is considered to be rude and arrogant, and he keep on doing it for years without the faintest idea that his behavior is offensive…

      Today I feel ashamed, mad at myself – I should have guessed/known/sensed that I was not doing her a favor – as I thought I was – but that I was in fact making a fool of myself. Maybe this is an ego-thing. I thought I was smart, in the meantime I was a fool, failing tests I was not even aware of standing.

      Yes, I feel terribly sad about this. But they will never hear me admit this. Why would I tell them? What’s done is done. There is no reason to discuss this issue. Maybe one day they’ll find this comment. Then… what? Hugging and forgiving….

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Of course, Martie, you can add anything you want - but I would rather say what and the way you feel it either about yourself or people close to you - how insecurity affects you personally.

      That is how we connect. If it's OK for Martie to be insecure, it is OK for John, Mary and ..... to be insecure. We all are. We all look for acceptance.

      For example, this bloody picture

      I did not want my mother to like it, that was so not the point - she is entitled to her choices - but keeping her dislikes to herself for seven years?

      I am so glad I have spent so much time on HP with my friends looking for myself. I did not write to make money. I wrote to make peace with myself and my world.

      Now, I don't have to believe in "You are amazing!!!"

      I know that I am amazingly amazing, but at least I know in which way. The beauty thing can take a rest.

      One of the best compliments that I get when a person meets me for the first time with this surprised look and a total conviction in the voice says

      "I LIKE YOU!"


      "ARE YOU FOR REAL?!"

      And everybody who knows me - knows it well - yes,

      I am for real.

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Dear Teresa:

      Thank you for liking the picture - you don't have to, I hope you realize that I would accept your opinion regardless - as long as it is honest...

      Of course, nobody can know me/us and I said it in the article. But the idea of a collage is to create "How Others See Me" not "The Ultimate Truth of Who I Am".

      That is the reason for "manipulating" part - it depends whom I ask.

      So I choose the answers that I like. Ha-ha-ha! It's like photography. There is no field who distorts reality so badly - beautifies it or uglifies it at will! And you know how I love images!!!

      But I have to state again - for me HAPPINESS is impossible without being AUTHENTIC.

      I know I might confuse you with the whole Colour Theory - but my dominant colour - personality dimension is Blue - and authenticity to me is crucial. It is actually called

      Authentic Blue

      Inquiring Green

      Organized Gold

      Resourceful Orange

      That is why I do NOT accept false praise and I don't give others false praise. To me, it creates internal conflict. I believe everyone of us has a lot to be praised for - sincerely. For what we have. No wonder we don't believe others and spend half our lives figuring out who the hell we are.

      The collage - I will do it - you will see it and I am sure you will like it.

      I only get offended when people lie to me.

      Why? Why do they do it?

      Do they think I cannot take the truth?

      Or I cannot see through it?

      So, no, no false praise, por favor.

      What Martie wrote in ONE SITTING - she fired a hub and she deserves credit for it - the traffic and the discussion with her readers. I don't want to keep such a jewel in the obscurity of my cave of wonders.

      Why don't we start loving ourselves and each other for who we are. I, for one, don't have to be beautiful. I love when people admire my honesty, my humour, my courage.

      I'd rather be a clown!

    • MartieCoetser profile image

      Martie Coetser 

      6 years ago from South Africa

      Okay, Svetlana, I'll publish my comment as a hub, but will add some relevant research done on the topic. But I would like to link my hub to this one of yours... Let it be a duet of a kind.

      Enjoy your little genius. He takes after his mother...

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 

      6 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      Dear Svetlana,

      I am glad my first comment did not take as now I can see Sista's insightful essay as well.

      Your comment to me brought back memories of try as I might, I never lived up to his perfectionistic expectations. Through therapy in 1999, for something completely different, I was able to put that childhood stigma into its proper perspective/ compartment.

      I don't believe anyone can really know us, unless we choose to be authentic and vulnerable. Others can know our aura or what we project.

      I appreciate there are all kindsa reasons people give us feedback or compliments. I enjoy trying to look at the situation... Am I the boss and someone needs a day off, a better grade in school, the motives are countless. And, yes, is just because and the person is sincere.

      As for me, Momma taught me to say nothing if the feedback is not positive. I break that rule if I am working or a friend asks me 'my honest opinion'.

      I like that damn picture, especially what it represented for you. So there... Love, Teresa

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Martie - right back at YA!

      With your permission - I am NOT approving this comment. Whatever you leave in my corner belongs to me, but I want you to claim it as your own.

      Please take it and publish it as a hub.

      If you need to cut some lines that won't be understood as a personal reference, by all means cut them, but don't OVER THINK and spend a lot of time on editing, adding...


      I agree about the collage thing - but I am doing it anyway - because that idea was mine for over a year and it is ready to be put in action.

      I hope you will love the result.

      Love you,

      I am so concise because I gotta run to pick up my genius son - that was what he was called the other day by a neighbour.

      A genius? I am putting it into a collage.

      I am a good COLLAGER, remember?

      And I bet you anything - after seeing mine (probably even before) - you'll do YOURS!!!

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada


      Thank you for reading my article. You are right, it is hard to accept ourselves because we are taught that we are NEVER good enough. I still feel so much rejection from my mother and it is her upbringing, she does not realize how it shaped her whole life. How it ruined her life, how it affected mine and how she behaves towards Daniel.

      Just yesterday and I find it ironic (forget the "your hair falling out!" comment), I have this painting in my living room that we bought probably in 2005. For seven years she said nothing and yesterday she surprised me with "You know, I really did not say anything, but I don't know what you see in it... It's horrible".

      I was hurt. Not because she did not like it, but... tell me why did it hurt this much? That she never understood me? That she never agrees with my choices... This cocoon of pain that I am living in...

      Maybe because she never trusted me enough to tell me her opinion in the first place (when we bought the thing) - if I knew she did not like it - I would not impose something like that for the family.

      Because I love harmony, I want the family (all members) to be happy. It's not LIBIDO that is blue, Blue is Harmony, Blue is self-actualization.

      And I think the picture is symbolic of the my courage (a weakling at that time) growing in the prison of those squares of conservatism, rules and assumptions. That is how I see it now. But NOW I would change this picture. I don't like the emotion that it stirs in me every time I see it.

      I'll leave a link on FB - so you can see my "horrible" green choice and those trees that bother my mother.

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Thanks, Martie, just keep in mind - the content was meant for the audience that does not know me (hopefully), so the insecurity that sounds to be current is in the past. At least the weaknesses/insecurities that I am talking about in this hub... it probably sounds more complicated than it is - but we have talked many times about all of this and this hub should have been probably written in the past tense. Yet, I find the present tense more effective - people find it easier to identify with. That was the idea -- to make readers realize that we are all insecure, that at all times we have to overcome one insecurity or the other and there are ways...

      Like making that collage or writing that "Comments Article" about themselves...

      It was also a probe - will it get attention? will it get some traffic? That kind of thing.

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 

      6 years ago from Jeffersonville PA


      It is difficult for me to talk to someone without acknowledging the positive. I am wired that way from my upbringing and career choice of nursing.

      I notice many of my students, patients, people in general tend to dismiss what they see as a compliment. I just remind them that it is OK to simply acknowledge without denigrating themselves.

      I love the idea of a collage. I love the way you lay out your perspective while giving us plenty of food for thought.

      It's taken me years and much strife to know, in the end, we do need to accept ourself, the good, the bad and yes, even the ugly.

      Voted UP and UABI. Love, Teresa

    • MartieCoetser profile image

      Martie Coetser 

      6 years ago from South Africa

      Kallini, I enjoyed the videos in here tremendously. Will be back soon to leave you a proper comment....

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Livhappy, yes, please do it, I love to generate ideas - doing is always a problem. An opportunity...

      But if I see others being inspired, I will get it done, too.

      Let me know if you do it! Good luck!

      I can't wait to see it.

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Mike, you mean for the videos? Right now I am counting pennies, so maybe TRIPOD I can buy/find a bit later.

      Unless someone donates it for the Best Writer in Canada.

      Thank you for visiting.

      P.S. Daniel was very pleased with himself - "Earthquake in Toronto" was done to enhance the pleasure of viewers, to increase the entertaining value, so to speak.

      We have to work on our lighting, diction, pronunciation, and scripts...

      Still, I was able to produce two hubs in six months - I am so pleased with myself as well!!!

    • livhappy profile image

      Josh Schaitel and Olivia Alverson 

      6 years ago

      I do intend to do a collage : ) I may add this in my next vlog

    • mckbirdbks profile image


      6 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      I just have one word for you: TRIPOD

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Another thought was flying through my troubled head:

      One of the titles (and don't you dare STEAL IT!) for my

      "Collage of Wonderfulness"


      "Long live Canadian writer Svetlana Ivanova!"

      It has just occurred to me - if you are the BEST, why don't we have a street named after you -

      There is a Mullholland Drive, there must be a Billholland Drive.

      We have trouble naming streets here in Toronto - "Avenue Road" - I find it lame.

      Billholland Drive sounds much better.

      And don't worry about me being narcissistic - I was already named "The Hub Queen of Narcissism" - I even wrote about it (three hubs, no less, intending to write more), but I think it flew in a wrong direction.

      Greetings from Toronto, Canada

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Thank you, the BEST BILL HOLLAND ON THE PLANET! Well, I still intend to write on/about "The Power of Incomplete Sentences".

      Don't you just love those?

      It's ok. OK for you? for me?

      You think TOO MUCH. Too much for whom?

      I am good enough ... for what? for whom?

      But I am so good in my own head, that most of it stays either there or in my drafts and never sees the light of day.

      Thank you for the comment.

      How about a collage, though?

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 

      6 years ago from Olympia, WA

      You bet I'm good enough! I am the best Bill Holland on the planet and that's pretty cool! :) Great message here and a beautifully constructed hub. Well done!

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      I'm happy to hear this. I hope you do the collage. I still INTEND to.

    • livhappy profile image

      Josh Schaitel and Olivia Alverson 

      6 years ago

      This helped me so much! Exactly what I need to read today : )

    • kallini2010 profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Thank you, prospectboy!

      Yes, the idea was to make people feel better about themselves, whether they make the collage or don't.

      I never did. But it took me a long time to come to this state of maybe half-acceptance. It will never happen overnight, but I don't believe in positive thinking either.

      I think all comes out as a balance of good and bad, funny and sad.

      One thing we don' t have to be is PERFECT. So, it's OK to be ourselves, our imperfect selves, the kind of people that our families and friends love.

      We are conditioned to see only imperfections, but maybe it is our imperfections that make us human, humane and unique. I definitely think so.

      Thank you again for reading.

    • prospectboy profile image

      Bradrick H. 

      6 years ago from Texas

      Reading this made me think of a lyric from a song that I like that goes; "Life is what you make of it and people will doubt you, it's not about them, it's really about you". This is one of those hubs that will most likely make anyone feel better about themselves after reading. Great job! I enjoyed reading this. Voted up, and shared.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)