DID Is and Can be a Very Crippling Mental Illness
DID Is and Can be a very Crippling Mental Illness
Authored by Monica Ortega
Being a victim and sufferer of DID is and has been very difficult to deal with. I can’t say having DID is a bad thing because this is what helped me to cope and survive the abuse I endured as a child. The problem now is having to learn how to integrate my personalities in order to have some type of peace and mind. How is that possible?? The shame and the guilt of sharing the abuse and the pain of the others can be so unbearable. Many times there has to be an agreement between my other parts and myself. This is very difficult because I have been hurt by other parts purposely because they do not agree with my way of thinking causing hostility.
For example I had many experiences where a personality was so angry with me and depressed that I was trying so hard to fight the part and his feelings because I thought they were wrong. Well, Wayne didn’t think so before I could do anything he was in control it was like watching a movie, watching myself cutting my wrist, seeing blood everywhere. I was crying and pleading with him because of my family.
He didn’t care next thing I knew I woke up in a hospital in the ICU ward. I was asked why I tried to kill myself and take a whole bottle of prescribed anti-depressants. I had no idea what the doctor was talking about. Have you ever been in a dream where you’re being chased but for some reason you were stuck? You couldn’t move, paralyzed…Doing your best to run because you know you can but you had no control over your body or its physical abilities. All you could do was sit there and struggle and watch what was happening to you.
This is what it is like at times when I have no control I can see what’s happening but like in the dream I am paralyzed being able to do nothing. It scares the hell out of me. What scares the hell out of me even more is when I find myself somewhere not knowing how I got there or even what I have been doing. It is like being asleep. There have been many times where I have even crashed into another car or a wall having no memory of how it happened. I can’t even say how many times I have switched personalities finding myself being so lucky that I did not kill someone or dead myself. I can truly say that there has to be a God watching over me because I should be dead, but have been very fortunate. DID is very difficult to manage, and it is very hard for me to accept which in turn delays my healing and progress. Due to so many different personalities I experience an array of emotions that hurt having no sense of control. What, makes it harder is having to deal with my illness and yet deal with the present everyday life too.
I have been able to feel a sense of positive emotions through my writings which, I hope in turn is helpful and beneficial to others…until next time.