Suicide Loss a Personal Journey: Part 1
My morning process has just begun and I don’t know where it will take me. I do know that I have learned valuable lessons:
- Pain does not go away when you die. It is multiplied by the people you love, loved and who love you. The only way you can overcome pain is to live.
- Everyone deals with loss differently and you cannot tell someone else how to grieve. Some people lash out and hurt others, some console or stay busy to avoid the hurt, deny, make us stories or excuses, blame, and shut down. The only thing you can do to help is be there and don’t judge. This lesson was the hardest for me.
- You cannot blame yourself for someone else’s choices. It is hard to think about how I reacted and ways I could have changed my behaviors, and what affects they may or may not have had on my brother’s choice. But in the end it was his choice. He had someone loyal and caring fighting for him at the very end.
- His organs were donated and he saved lives. He was a hero to many in his final hours. I hope I get to meet them one day.
Yesterday, I went to my little brother’s Celebration of Life. I organized it, fought for it and hosted it. It was not the best, but it was everything I had to give. Every day of planning I wanted to quite. Every day there was more push back from family. I felt discouraged, angry and frustrated, but at the same time relieved that my paid was redirected and I didn’t have to focus on the loss of my brother.
He is, was eight years younger than me. Two weeks ago he took his own life. He seemed happier than he had been in years. Isn’t that what everyone says? Pain is best hidden with a smile. I know that all too well. The week before, he made calls to his family. We all have last voicemails of him, being him. Laughter and love in his voice.
With those voicemails comes, the what-ifs. What if I called him back sooner? What if we didn’t fight? What if I let him lash out? There are so many things that could have prevented this course. Or would it have just extended his pain.
- Writing is healing for me so I am certain that will continue and my story will unfold.
- Participating and creating ways to help others overcome the impulse to end their own lives is high on my list of recovery techniques.
- Joining support groups, online and in person. Finding the one that fits for me.
- Supporting others who are going through or have been through something similar.
- Reach out to donor recipients, if they are open to it.
Suicide Prevention Hotline
Available 24 hours everyday