Dear John, We Love You And It's Okay (My Last Love Letter To My Husband)

During the last two years, I have been my husband’s caregiver. The last ten days, my husband has been hospitalized. He has been on so much medication, he either sleeps, is in pain, or very agitated and aggressive. He is so NOT himself. I know I will never have another chance to tell him all the things I want to tell him. However, everyday when I arrive and each night before I leave I whisper in his ear………….I love you. Here is my letter to my husband. I know he will probably never read it or even hear it, but I’m sure he already knows how much I truly love him. I just needed to put it in writing.

Dear John,

Twenty years ago, we met……I was 26 and you were 54. We started out as friends, and then you became my knight in shining armor. I always felt safe in your arms. When I was with you and even now nothing else matters. We had such a beautiful whirlwind romance…..you always made me feel like a princess. For some reason you always felt the need to shower with me with gifts, but the only gift I needed was your love. And you gave this with all your heart.

As in any relationship, we have had our ups and downs. Through it all we stayed together. So many people said our love would never last. When you first was diagnosed with a dilated cardio-myopathy, they thought I’d bolt. I didn't! When you had a pacemaker-defibulator and so many times in and out of the hospital with congestive heart failure, they still thought I’d run. I didn't! After your diagnosis of COPD, and your car accident. I’m still here! And even now, so sick from cancer, and I’m still standing by your side. That’s what you do when you love someone. Boy, did we surprise them! Today I love you as much as I loved you in the beginning.

You have been a wonderful husband, and father to our son as well as my son from my previous marriage. You took Cole on his first hunt, you were there when he shot his first deer, and his first turkey, you gave him his first gun. You had so many firsts with a little boy who adored you and respected you. When his father wasn't there for him, you always were to show him love and nurturing. Even when he grew up, you didn't approve of the choices he made, but you always loved him as if he were your own.

As for our son Johnny, he’s your namesake. I didn’t get a choice in his name, but I didn’t care. I remember the excitement on your face at the ultrasound appointment, when you discovered you were having another son. You absolutely glowed on the day Johnny was born. You were right there by my side holding my hand and an encouraging me to push. I remember you standing and watching them clean him up. I remember you said he has ten fingers and ten toes……he’s perfect.

You had a lot of firsts with Johnny, as well. When he was two you were the stay-at-home parent. Mr. Mom as we always referred to you. You cooked, you cleaned, you did the dishes, the laundry, mowed the grass, and raised our son to be a wonderful young man. You did all of this and so much more up until you were unable to do so a few years ago. He adores you! He loves you and you love him. The two of you created a bond nothing can break ever. The bond and the memories will always be there.

Just like his love for pasta…..as the two of you called it when he was little....... ‘pastie’. It was and still is his favorite. You spoiled him. He thought he had his own personal chef or restaurant at his finger tips. You would ask him what he wanted to eat. Guess what, you cooked it for him. I had a terrible time of getting him to realize he couldn’t always order what he wanted, once I started cooking.

Through the years, we’ve had so many good memories. Memories you have given to each and every one of us. You’ve given us something to hold onto. Memories which can never be taken away. These will last a lifetime. Our song, our theme, our life.....you're a part of me and I'm a part of you.........

Seeing you lying in that hospital bed breaks my heart. I don’t want you to suffer. I want you to find peace. God is watching over you. I just need you to know, if you’re hanging on for us. As much as it would break my heart to lose you, we will be okay. You were always there for us. You helped us all these years. I know your tired now. It’s okay if you go to sleep. Your body is tired and needs to rest. As much as I would miss you, I don’t want to see you suffer any longer. I sometimes feel through this I have been selfish. Selfish because I could never find the words to tell you, we’re okay, and we will be alright. As I kiss you on each eyelid, just know I will always love you. If you decide to sleep, we will meet again some day. You on your big white horse, riding in to save the day…..once again my knight in shining armor.

Just remember, I love you now and forever!

Love your,

Cindi Rae