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Don't Lose Control-Dominate Desperation With Emotional Release

Updated on January 8, 2016
Elizabeth Ashland profile image

I am a happily married blessed wife, mother and grandmother who lived a very unconventional life which must be the Gemini in me.

Overwhelmed with Despair

The dread of waking up, facing the day, the continuous phone calls from unfriendly people suddenly became more than I could take. I was consumed with the sadness of what our life had suddenly become--due to a major health life event. Once a light hearted life, where smiles were contagious and laughter was abundant, suddenly became a life of tears, nervous knee jerk reactions and unconceivable fears. The temptation to just drop to my knees in the floor and cry out loud, pulling each hair from my head was always visible and playing like a movie in the forefront of my thoughts.

Shame, of what our life had become was also a dominate variable. How did we allow this to happen? After all we had dual insurance coverage, we had over 12,000.00 in one of our savings account. We certainly didn't live an exuberant lifestyle. We didn't need brand new cars or a brand new home, we were happy with the life we had. How could this had happened to us? Why had this happened to us? Can we recover? These were the dominant questions that played over and over in my mind.

Throughout my life, I have been involved in situations which left me feeling a great deal of regret. My choices to obtain what seemed to be immediate gratification always fell short of providing me any feelings of accomplishment or satisfaction. Twirling emotions in my head consisted of confusion of who I am and what others want me to be.

Now facing the devastating health issues with my beloved husband and best friend, I am again surrounded with the difficult decision to reach out and share with others my grief, fear and despair or to cover it up and make the world around me feel as though my life is grand. As a small child I was trained to never display your emotions as that was a sign of weakness and others will know you are not perfect; but meanwhile; I die piece by piece each day.

But I refuse to give in or to give up--I refuse to make unreasonable expectations or irrational emotional decisions. Even knowing I will have to go it alone; without the support of family, I will make this situation one of no regrets.

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    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 19 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

      Breathe deeply and remember that you are completely surrounded by love. Everything in this world is always changing and unfortunately loss and illness are a part of that. The good news is that this too shall pass.

      Hold on to hope, and search for even the smallest glimmer of joy each day. You are strong. You can do this.

      Namaste

    • Elizabeth Ashland profile image
      Author

      Elizabeth Ashland 19 months ago from Texas

      The fear of loss, sadness loneliness and seeing those you love suffer and you can only provide minimal physical comfort is devastating!!! Providing the emotional comfort is so much easier when it comes naturally from you undying love. The little turned up corner of their mouth or a quick sparkle in their eye--even though only a brief flashing moment in time is priceless, timeless and a memory with feelings that overcomes you and no one can ever take that away.

    • denise.w.anderson profile image

      Denise W Anderson 19 months ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

      When it seems that everything is falling down around us, we feel so alone and often think that no one else will understand what we are going though. Knowing that the time we have together is limited, and that one day we will be without our loved ones can be overwhelming.