Don't Lose Control-Dominate Desperation With Emotional Release
Overwhelmed with Despair
The dread of waking up, facing the day, the continuous phone calls from unfriendly people suddenly became more than I could take. I was consumed with the sadness of what our life had suddenly become--due to a major health life event. Once a light hearted life, where smiles were contagious and laughter was abundant, suddenly became a life of tears, nervous knee jerk reactions and unconceivable fears. The temptation to just drop to my knees in the floor and cry out loud, pulling each hair from my head was always visible and playing like a movie in the forefront of my thoughts.
Shame, of what our life had become was also a dominate variable. How did we allow this to happen? After all we had dual insurance coverage, we had over 12,000.00 in one of our savings account. We certainly didn't live an exuberant lifestyle. We didn't need brand new cars or a brand new home, we were happy with the life we had. How could this had happened to us? Why had this happened to us? Can we recover? These were the dominant questions that played over and over in my mind.
Throughout my life, I have been involved in situations which left me feeling a great deal of regret. My choices to obtain what seemed to be immediate gratification always fell short of providing me any feelings of accomplishment or satisfaction. Twirling emotions in my head consisted of confusion of who I am and what others want me to be.
Now facing the devastating health issues with my beloved husband and best friend, I am again surrounded with the difficult decision to reach out and share with others my grief, fear and despair or to cover it up and make the world around me feel as though my life is grand. As a small child I was trained to never display your emotions as that was a sign of weakness and others will know you are not perfect; but meanwhile; I die piece by piece each day.
But I refuse to give in or to give up--I refuse to make unreasonable expectations or irrational emotional decisions. Even knowing I will have to go it alone; without the support of family, I will make this situation one of no regrets.