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Depression Hits Close To Home

Updated on May 3, 2017

Before I begin my article, I would just like to say that if you are in a critical state of mind, PLEASE contact support at There are people standing by 24/7 to help. You can even text them if you don't feel like talking.

Text HOME to 741741 Getting Connected - The first responses are automated. They tell you that you’re being connected with a Crisis Counselor, and invite you to share a bit more. About 90% of the time, it takes less than five minutes to connect you with a Crisis Counselor. It may take longer during busy times. When you’ve reached a Crisis Counselor, they’ll introduce themselves, reflect on what you’ve said, and ask you to share at your own pace.

No Comfort In Anything

What is depression? It is being scared, feeling guilty, self-loathing, finding no comfort in anything; an abyss of emptiness. Its being tired all of the time, mentally and physically. Its having absolutely no motivation and no sense of being. Not wanting to work, not wanting to be there for family and loved ones and not having interest in anything. All of these things make you feel guilty, guilty for needing a break from life for a little while and then the guilt leads to other negative thoughts. Your family needs you, but your mind has consumed all of your time. Your negative thoughts branch into a whole array of self attacks. People become angry with you because you appear to be living lifeless.

Depression Overloads Your Brain

There is no black and white with depression, as it is all grey. You know the truth and reality of life but when you are depressed your brain tells you a lot of lies and eventually you start believing those lies. Living with depression often overloads your brain to the extent that you try everything to distract yourself from the heaviness that you feel. When your not distracted, your crying; crying because you always feel not good enough. Then, it gets so bad that you start to question EVERYTHING about life. Depression consumes you whole like a whale eating a minnow. It is a sickness that does not discriminate. The wealthiest of people suffer from depression.

Is It A Conspiracy?

I often wonder if we were living in the ages of Christ, would the human race still suffer from depression? Are the foods that we eat or the environments that we live in now altering our minds so that we remain oblivious to what is really going on in the world? Yes, depression has made me think that everything is a conspiracy. My man; he's cheating on me (not really, I don't think), the law; is out to get me (they really did, for illegitimate reasons. Guilty by knowing a tyrant, my brother but all 56 felony charges where dismissed) and always questioning reality.

No One Understands

Depression is the ugliest monster and the motions that it takes you through, make others look at you strangely because they don't understand. Which, in turn, puts you even further into a dark black hole. Suicidal thoughts become the hot topic for your brains hungry agenda. People often resort to drug use to self medicate, trying to bury their depression tick and all of its associated content. It may help temporarily but those temporary moments are a comfort zone that was highly sought after. Those few minutes of relief are like an eternity to the suffer. You then become wrapped in a sacred world that is unfamiliar to the average person. Others make it through the tough storm by finding a higher power and trusting in their chosen faith. They may realized that everything happens for a reason and can talk themselves into only processing (inhaling) positive thoughts and (exhaling) negatine thoughts.

There Is Light Through The Storm


Too Close To Home

My brother, SPC Jason Smallwood, was in the National Guard, did a 2 year tour in Afghanistan. He came home after his tour and was not the same person that I knew before he left. He was always the egotistical, handsome, arrogant, witty type of person. Never showed signs of being depressed, something strange was happening.

Depression Doesn't Discriminate

Jason had become severely paranoid. He couldn't even make a sandwich without his gun strapped to his side. Hunting used to be a passion of his; not anymore. He even set his room up like a bunker. Had the war really effected him that intensely? Or, did depression attack him like a pack of wolves? A couple of weeks after being home, Jason shot himself in the heart. He died in his own bedroom that was still setup like a bunker. He had already signed up for another term in Afghanistan. I don't understand it at all. He had never really showed the signs. A few weeks after he passed, he was awarded 2 purple hearts for saving people and he did suffer two traumatic brain injuries. In his few short days back, he tried to get help for the brain injuries that he had suffered but he was informed that he had to wait a specific amount of time before he could receive the help. The government also held his combat pay as they told him that there was a holding period.

Your Life Matters

So, in my opinion and experiences, depression doesn't target specific types. You can be rich and famous and take extreme care of yourself, it doesn't matter, depression could be lurking. If you are having suicidal thoughts, PLEASE keep in mind that every minute is a new minute for something to turn it all around for the better. You do have a purpose! Even if that purpose is to influence someone in some kind of way.

Help Save A Life

Your life may save another life. Use your depression to your benefit. Write about it or find others that are suffering from the same thing and become each others inspiration. Don't give up because that is exactly what the devil wants. Become a person with no fear; a person that don't care what others may negatively be thinking about you. They don't matter! Your purpose is what matters. Remember, you are not alone and there is so many people out there that are going through the same thing, reach out to them.

Crisis Text Line



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