Disabled at 14: How I Set Myself Free From Me
What is it all about, anyways? That's what I found 14 year old, (and probably younger) me questioning constantly. So, while boys, sports, and girl's nights were partially on my conscience, so was the purpose to life, the reason for being, the cause for pain, beauty...happiness? yada...yada...yada. it becomes quite tedious after awhile, ya know?
With that being said, you can probably guess that 14 year old did not necessarily get to have raw conversations with anyone her own age, and let's be real, what 14 year old talks to their parents? Right.
So where does that leave it all? You're probably envisioning a depressed misunderstood kid who isolated themselves. But that's totally not the case. (At least, not yet in the story.) You see, in public I was always smiling. Pushing all the intellectual thoughts that racked my brain to the back so i could somewhat understand how to be a kid. Not that that ever happened, but I constantly tried.
But that can exhaust someone, who, actually is a kid. And it led to me improsining myself. Walking in a room and feeling like everyone was looking at you and why? What was wrong with you?
Saying something to someone and 2 days later going into mental paralysis because "Should you have said that?" "Could you have said something better?"
Crying yourself to sleep at night, never for any thing actually worth crying about--just because you felt like crying. And you want to scream for help, but, what could anyone help you with?
And yet, today-
This is not a sob story.
This is a success story.
This is for parents of those 14 year olds, this is for current, past, and future "14" year olds. Frankly, this is for my younger brother, because I see so much of me in him.
Mostly, this is for myself.
First off I want to make this clear-You can never blame anyone else for your unhappiness because "no one else gets it." That is how you become imprisoned, that is how you build a wall between you and the rest of this beautiful world.
The only way to let others understand you, is to realize that you have to take time to understand yourself, first.
It took about 6 long years to realize this for myself. And hey, I am probably lucky for that, as I sense there are elders who still have not liberated themselves.
And I promised myself if I ever got over this, if I ever kicked what ever was consuming myself in the ass- I'd share it in my most vulnerable way. So here's how I did it. Here's how I kicked myself in the ass.
And I'm going to keep this short. Because all it took was one scratch at that wall, and the rest came crumbling down, easy.
Let me tell you about fresh air. Not the cool breezy kind, I mean the free from negativity, free to live fresh air. Anyone who ever makes you feel constricted from living your desires, throw 'em to the curb. Granted, you feel like you lose a ton...but really, its just dead weight off your shoulders.
When you can finally breathe for yourself, without questioning anyone else's opinions, that's when you can have a conversation with YOU. Ask yourself what you want.
No one has to live with your choices but you. So, if you feel like living a different life than those around you-do it. DO IT. There is a reason you are being called to live like that, that is where your happiness resides.
And as for this digital world we live in. Do not live behind a screen! Get in touch with how real, raw life is supposed to feel. Use that screen at your own leisure, but do not let it confine you. Do not choose digital reality over sobering intimacy. Life is too god damn short. No one will remember you for your facebook statuses or cool pictures. Be real. Be human. If you live by a screen in which tou watch everyone else live, you will never learn how to do so for youself.
I can go into detail of the harships, and even my mini instances of where I started to build hope and tear at the wall I built around myself.
But let's face it, that shit's boring.
I'm simply hear to say I fucking did it.
And hey, if you really want to hear all the boring stuff, I'll tell you. I'll tell you it all, because I'm no longer trapped, and I am so proud.