Doing Different Things Being the Same Is Just as Insane as Anything When Expecting a New Outcome
Doing Different Things Being the Same Is Just as Insane as Anything When Expecting a New Outcome
I was watching a ‘from marriage to getting to know you’ type of show and saw something interesting. There are several of these out there but in case you’re not familiar, they’re experiments for three newly matched couples to marry upon the first sight of seeing each other.
Once married, they have weeks with the camera following them as they go from their honeymoon, to deciding on where to live, then moving in together; merging every part of their lives. Although it’s a quick process, the couples hit some rocky terrain having to decide if they will stay married or get divorced. As viewers, we have no idea their decision until the experiment is complete.
It isn’t as crazy as it may sound because the show’s producers take extreme measures in the way they vet the candidates. All stops are pulled with the hiring of a relationship expert, spiritual advisor, and an intimacy therapist that mull over every aspect of matching the couples in the most perfect of ways.
Periodically throughout the marriage, they also assist the couples through difficulties. It’s a pretty much win-win. If these couples’ desired outcome is to say I do, they’re given the superlative resources available to help evolve their vows into a promise.
With the couples, after having tried all they know, then going to risk life’s biggest unknown; one would think they wouldn’t let their normal hang-ups abort the mission. It’s not easy getting on this show and it is definitely the most time consuming last resort for most of them. In fact it’s the precise resort that leaves pettiness a non-option.
For instance if normally they like curly hair, and the only thing their match doesn’t have is.. Curly hair.. Given the circumstance, hair would not be the deal breaker.
The Interesting Thing I Began to See
But even after ALL OF THAT effort to try something new. After applying, interviewing, background checking, reflecting on their past in front of a television audience; some of these couples REFUSED to paradigm shift. I mean sure they talked to the experts, but few took time to up-level in a way where they BECAME what they wanted.. Which was change.
I saw it so plainly. The couples that were problematic were usually the ones who displayed this type of insanity. They were doing different things while staying the same yet expecting new results. Their new met the old beliefs, old attitudes, old worldviews, and old patterns of behavior. There’s too much luggage to just want things to be different.
They were doing different things while staying the same yet expecting new results
Indulge in this picture I’m about to paint to see what I mean. Before I begin I must say this is not about any of the shows participants in any shape or form. These are fictional characters.
Stoytime.. Spoiler Alert.. Not a Happy Ending
In this cautionary tale we have Hamster and we have Wheel. Hamster is a great catch, but jeez, talk about unlucky in love! Hamster has had years of failed relationships. They always start off as wonderful but over time Hamster feels absent of needed care. Every. Single. Time. No matter how successful the suitor, no matter how well synced; Hamster can’t seem to meet that match that matches Hamster’s values.
One day the heavens open up and Hamster’s prayers are heard via getting approved for an adventurous show to marry the perfect match!! Will this be the chance to FINALLY meet the one? This is the first time Hamster ever thought of doing something like this. But Hamster feels ready to move past the status quo. There could only be something gained at this point.
On the day of the wedding, Hamster sees Wheel for the first time. In a matter of minutes, Hamster and Wheel are matrimonially united and neither could be happier. Hamster/Wheel saw in the other what they couldn’t believe they had to wait so long to see. It was a connection. And Hamster/Wheel were so glad they jumped head first into something they never thought they would have the courage to do.
Oh Shoot! …
As quickly as it took that last paragraph to transition to the next, Hamster began to grow annoyed with Wheel.
Wheel can’t seem to say or do anything right. The charm Hamster saw in Wheel fades. Soon, what held immense potential, became an insufferable nuisance.
Hamster talks to the experts and confides with family feeling lower than hopeless. The more Hamster ponders the inevitable, the braver Hamster becomes in the decision to divorce Wheel. Now Hamster feels emboldened to say that after every alternative was met, love still resisted. Which only furthered Hamster’s belief that true compatibility may never be possible.
Ready For What Reeely Happened?
Hamster, like so, so many; fell victim to being hooked to ‘the struggle’ of relationships. That struggle was a part of Hamster’s story for so long. Hamster had a need to suffer through the painful low of disappointment, then the high of vindication when things went wrong. It serves as exhibit A in collateral evidence.
Hamster tried something totally new, but kept the old beliefs that the old habits of behavior were encouraged by, lending the ripe environment for emotional turmoil. Hamster was unaware of those rooted beliefs that were triggered that led to behaviors unbecoming to what Hamster was actually after.
While married to Wheel, three situations triggered Hamster’s rooted beliefs. Once triggered, the familiar behaviors followed suit, satisfying the environment of conflict. Subconsciously Hamster liked the game of chase. Are they into me? Yes, no, maybe. Hamster felt exhilarated when pickedfrom a crowd. It made Hamster feel like everyone else in the room got rejected, but after ‘chosen’ would spend the relationship proving why it was the right choice.
Now entersTrigger Number One-Hamster’s Belief. The chase Hamsterbelievedneeded to be present was not.
The show already took care of that portion by picking the two. Hamster/Wheel’s connection had been decided. There was a chance Wheel would say ‘I don’t’ at the alter; but moments after ‘I Do’ was instead proclaimed, slowly to trigger- happy emotional dissatisfaction Hamster went.
Trigger Number Two-Hamster’s Behavior. Hamster’s belief now seeks, through behavior, a conflict worthy environment. This environment has theneed to find a solution to a newfound problem, aka, the ‘gotcha’ moment. Hamster is so complex because now that the relationship has started and triggers being pulled, Hamster looks for reasons to make things appear the way Hamster feels. This territory is well traveled by Hamster. Hamster’s emotional unrest wanted arguments and mayhem but this time, much like the game of chase, the environment of conflict, was simply not present. Wheel ducked conflicts through compromising. Wheel dodged arguments by trying to understand and communicate. There was nothing to fight about because they were both proclaiming the same things.. Only Hamster’s old was beginning to grow weary on the new. Hamster’s behavior continually picked and poked the bear so to speak. Searching for reason to be mad. The poking and picking created the environment daring Wheel to react.
And as soon as Wheel reacts..
BOOM! Trigger Number Three-Same Ole S#!#. Wheel’s reaction, no matter how small, would serve as the evidence Hamster’s belief and behavior needed to feel vindicated. No matter who Hamster talked to, it was to say “See! I tried everything with the same outcome!” Hamster’s created reality was again challenged by Wheel making it known they would do anything to make things work. But this time Hamster tasted blood and wasn’t about to let go. Not until fully immersed in familiar territory… Another failed relationship.
The End. Insanely The End.. But The End Nevertheless
Where can you relate? In what ways are you showing up to new experiences being the same person? If you were to be honest, doesn’t your fresh experience deserve your freshest? Can you identify some of your underlying beliefs? Especially the ones that keep you from having what you are saying you want? You cannot reach any height greater than you’re willing to first grow. It isn’t so much in changing as much as in expanding. It’s darn difficult to expand without doing so in the awareness of belief.
"You cannot reach any height greater than you’re willing to first grow"
Your belief system is the prognosis of your life. Beliefs are silent but will determine everything. It determines what you do, how you do it, and if oblivious to yours; it will have you being and doing on repeat no matter how much change you want to see happen.
I Hope You're Ready for Good News
You no longer have to flail through life like Hamster, not seeing why your experiences don’t match up with anything. You can have what you want through your belief. There are many different ways to discover your silent beliefs and I will share one that is my absolute favorite. In order to be best present, do this in a quiet space. For all three steps, stand up straight. The only thing needed for this is you and your truth.
Ask, Relay, Which Way D'ya Sway?
ASK: Sometimes working backward can be super- productive. Here the focus is on the end of a familiar story. For this step, all you need to do is ponder what undesirable outcome you are continually vindicating. Pondering what this is gets you to ask the right question of yourself. For an example, let’s use,
‘Why am I always running behind?’
Now we go to what comes next...
RELAY:From your question, you will form an answer that you will state to yourself out loud. Your body will tell you if this answer is what you hold inside your subconscious as true. What you hold subconsciously is what you hold as a belief, even when your conscious mind says what’s most pleasing to hear. So, what might your soliloquy be?
In keeping theme with the example, let’s say
‘There’s never enough time in a day to do what I want’.
Once you have stated this out loud, still standing..
Which Way D’ya Sway?: Now is the time for your body to talk. It wants to answer you. Your body will sway you forward forYES, that’s true. (Which means that’s a core belief you have). Or, your body will sway you backward for NAH, that’s nothing I recognize. (Which means you do not hold that belief for yourself).
I almost guarantee (I say almost, cause you may be that rare case), but usually some sense will start to be made out of why you are continually in the same predicaments, behavior patterns and environments of conflict. With living as the above example statement, maybe the time on an invite never finds you strategizing to meet it. It makes sense now because you believe ‘you never have enough time in a day to do what you want.’ So even when you desire to be on time, you create an environment where you’re constantly rushing, forgetting something, cramming in important things so when you do arrive.. You tell everyone how you WOULD have been on time if it weren’t for this.. and oh yeah let’s not forget that over there. A story like that will definitely vindicate the belief being there’s never enough time. Wouldn’t you say?
Through the awareness of your rooted beliefs, you take control of the life you’ve been gifted. Awareness keeps you from creating circumstances that you really don’t want. It also keeps you from repeating and making a habit out of being in-and making excuses for-those circumstances. Dig into your beliefs and see if things start becoming more clear. You are designed to create from the power of your beliefs, granting you the control into living by design. If you remember nothing else remember that a life by design is one that comes to PLAY.. Not one to be trapped in repeat.
You can ask, relay and sway to as many beliefs as you see fit. If you find that you have belief(s) that hold opposition to your new desired outcome; hold tight for my next Hub. I’ll address how to nurture your beliefs through untapped states of awareness. You won’t want to miss it.
© 2018 Ericka Dulaney