Dreams, Aspirations, Reflections (In Recovery, Pink Cloud)
What Will Happen, How Will it?
There are so many things I want to start, so many different exercises I want to engage in in an effort to develop different talents, passions, habits. I want to be ripped, in top shape. I want to give up smoking…sort of. I want to practice stick handling, and write short stories and poems, fiction and non-fiction. I want to read philosophy, read novels, read religious texts, I want to analyze them all and come up with groundbreaking new theories to explain the meaning of life. I want to be magnificent, but in a certain kind of way. I want to be amazing in a way that doesn’t garner great acclaim, doesn’t put you in the spotlight. I want to be great, but I want to be great for myself and the people I cherish. When I was writing the book, or rather, recording conversations for the book on…well I’m not sure what it was on, but it was going to be great, why was I doing it? And now why am I writing this book? I just said that I want to be great for myself and the people I cherish, but I want to generally help the world to better understand itself, the nature of spirituality, how to empower themselves…all that. It’s amazing how your dreams can vary with your mood swings. Or, how they can dissipate. I don’t know if I even have dreams when I’m using or depressed. When I’m using I almost certainly don’t, and honestly when I’m depressed I think the closest I come to dreaming is a yearning to be back where I was before the depression began. What it is to have dreams though, oh what it is! Passion, drive, enthusiasm, for life itself as well as your particular goal. It’s an amazing thing.
I don’t think about the difference between these two states all that often, having dreams and having none, but, it’s certainly something that has shaped and molded my life in several ways. Why is it that I’m so susceptible to portraying the vibe of the book I’m reading in my mood and actions? Is it a blessing or a curse? Certainly I consider it a blessing, being able to manipulate motivation and mood and energy just by reading certain texts. Which brings up the amazingly baffling question, if I do have this capacity, why do I choose to neglect it, and rarely read at all? I don’t really know where I’m going with this but I think it’s generally good to hash out things other than daily events, to think about your opinions and feelings. I feel hopeful, between my girlfriend and getting sober and going back to meetings and the day program and the expungement and the possibility of getting on stimulants to keep myself from being fatigued… all of these things are exciting. Moving out. Wow, I might actually be moving towards moving out! Scratch that, I AM moving towards moving out. How wonderful! I wonder what I’ll be like? In a situation where I choose my actions a hundred times more based on my own deciding factors and not my parents’? Will it lead to me breaking bad habits, particularly relapse, and achieving my potential more fully? I suppose it depends on what type of job I get. It could be amazing and something I could truly achieve my potential in, but I have a feeling that a 9-5 job is not where my true calling lies. However, getting one of those will allow me the luxury of being able to choose to go back to school, or take workshops, or take trips and classes and in other ways develop what I want to develop.
So many possibilities. I should make sure that I look at it from that point of view, a world full of opportunity, and not a world in which I constantly have to make choices to keep from going under. Positivity is huge, I’ve seen how much it benefited me in the past, and I know that it will do so in the future. Makes me wonder, what will my parents do when I’m gone? Which brings up will I move, or stay here, how soon will I move, morelike? Where will I move to? Who will be the driving factors and influences in my life? It would be amazing if it worked out to where me and the girlfriend could be partners in this journey. The tarot reading we did together was a good example, I think, or sign, that we have common interests and enjoy teaming up to engage in them. Hopefully I can get her into meditation, and we can travel that path as much together as possible. Hopefully she isn’t ignoring me right now. I don’t think she is, but, she didn’t text me since about 5pm so, it’s a slight possibility. Her ignoring me permanently though? I don’t think so. It was too right, too sweep-you-off-your-feet-amazing, when we hung out, to just drop it. I’m glad I didn’t end up doing anything with or liking this other girl, but, it slightly irks me that I even went to hang out with her. My intentions were vague, but, it was possible that something would happen, and I shouldn’t have even considered that. Not that I am bound blood and flesh to a girl I’ve only hung out with once, but, there was something special in our night together that makes me want to give it a true chance, which involves me not doing stupid shit like meeting people off of the internet.
Yea, I called it stupid shit. Although it occasionally gets you a friend for life, or a great lay, or maybe even a soul mate, the fact is the way I do it, I’m forcing it, and regardless of whether it’s AA talking, you really shouldn’t force your will in matters of fate like that. Which brings up fate. What do I think about fate, really? It’s an interesting subject. I don’t think that I believe in one fate, one set path. I think that there must be a spectrum of destinies, infinite, but arranged on a scale of reaching your potential to completely wasting it. It’s truly a spiritual thing, isn’t it? Reaching your full potential, I mean? In everything. Being the man that you were meant to be (or person, rather). Realizing your passions and doing your best to use them to better the world. I really, really hope that I get to do that someday. I know I’ve made a positive effect overall on the world, so far, although certainly I've had negative effects too. If life were to end now, though, I wouldn’t greatly regret what I’ve done, or who I was. I’m going to end with that. I don’t regret who I am.