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Emily in touch with her emotions, feelings and view of life

Updated on November 10, 2013

"Little Eddie" and life progression

Me at age 4 when I knew my "secret"
Me at age 4 when I knew my "secret"
Matty and me (Ed) at Montauk Point
Matty and me (Ed) at Montauk Point
Me as Emily
Me as Emily
My son Matty at the beach
My son Matty at the beach

Why is my life so sad?

I was a little boy of 4 when I asked this question to my mom. I remember it as if it just was a day ago. I knew in my heart why but I did not share the truth with my mom when she asked me why I felt that way. All I could say at that moment was that I don't feel like others. I feel different but I did not say why for fear it would hurt her and I did not want to do that.

I just told her that I am painfully shy and lack confidence but the real truth was that I was in my heart a "girl" but it was left unsaid and I never told my mom or my dad. I lived with this secret for a lifetime and now finally realized what I always knew.

I had no choice, Either I transition to become female or I die by my own hands.

Not much of a choice.

The problem is you don't have any way to easily come out and share this and it took all my courage and was very emotionally painful because I knew it would affect my family, my son, my wife, my employer, my coworkers, my friends and everyone who knew me as Ed who was now planning on being Emily.

I still struggle though being Emily is the best thing as I am finally true to myself.

I am sorry for hurting all in my life as that was not my intention. It was just my way of finding my happiness in the wake of my dad's tragic suicide and one of my best friend's unexpected death at the age of 40 leaving behind a wife and baby girl.

I did not want to go to my grave never realizing and being the "girl" I always knew in my heart which I was so afraid to tell my mom as a shy 4 year old little boy who was suffering from a condition called gender dysphoria as I have come to know many years later.

Love and Peace,


Emily's video (better quality)



Matty and me

Matty and me (Ed).
Matty and me (Ed).
Matty and me (Ed)
Matty and me (Ed)
Matty and me (Ed) at Montauk Point, LI
Matty and me (Ed) at Montauk Point, LI
Matty and me (Emily), (always dad to me, Matty).
Matty and me (Emily), (always dad to me, Matty).


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