Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining?
Under My Lonely Cloud
Have you been a bit fed up lately? Felt a bit under the weather, I have felt this way for extensive periods in my life. My dad always used to says I was bloody miserable. I was, It's true. I was alway a sulker, over analysing everything. My view often negative, my outlook bleak, as if my brain didn't engage with excitement or happy. I fake-smiled a lot! . I thought that was just who I was. A moody mare.
As I got older I found that this mood was consistent, I would opt for a night in rather than go out, choose to stay away from crowds and prefer my own thoughts and company, that way I didn't have to pretend. I look back in amazement that nobody spotted my social awkwardness and inability to interact in large social circles. I hated the limelight.
All of my life, as society had directed, I believed there was no such thing as depression. I thought it was a load of old cobblers, utter nonsense. I would sneer and tell who ever it was that was depressed, that they should grow a pair, find a friend to talk to, just get on with it and bloody well cheer up!
I may have damaged somebody with those remarks.
One day, I realised, after the sudden jolt of trauma and loss, that all of these years I had indeed been suffering with the almighty and eternaly taboo - Depression! I couldn't open the curtains to a bright morning and the birds chirping, make a cuppa and everything would be ok again, that didnt work. Neither did listening to a friend or a cheerful song or meditation. none of it worked. A long walk away from everyone was the nearest that worked but it was always short lived and usually accompanied by my confused thoughts and that cloud..
I woke up one morning and wished I hadn't, alarm bells rang, furiously, loudly. A fog had lodged itself in my head and a dark cloud above me, suppressing me and asphyxiating me until I couldn't breath or think. I could barely smile and could barely be bothered to talk. My family started to recognize me as grumpy, snappy, tired, over tired they thought. The pressure overwhelming. I was embarrassed I had always thought myself able to cope, strong, independant. I couldn't anymore, I suddenly felt so small, I wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there.
It didnt matter that I had people that depended on me, That too became a burden,a pressure I didn't want, I was ready to crack, as fragile as the slightest glass. Everything seemed to loud, amplified, I hated noise, I hated life. My temper building, my patients disintegrating. I was crumbling.I was lonely, I was terrified.
It was all too much to bare. I had days I could easily have slept forever, It didnt matter that I had a family who loved me. I didn't want then to know how weak I was. My world had shrunk so I could fit quite neatly into a ball so small, that I could curl into it and hide, like a hibernating squirrel.
Any amount of stress could have easily caused me to lose balance and tip forever the wrong side of happy. I struggled to believe that I couldn't fight my way out. No matter how I tried. I had to let it pass. I was silent and miserable and thought my world was about to end. I dont even know when that cloud passed, but it wasn't the first and I know it wont be the last. Life got tough and i grew unable to cope. But why?
I am still trying to figure out why, so I am writing a book about my life, looking at my years under a microscope, to see what triggered all of this despair I feel form time to time. I am too embarrassed to let a doctor advise me to take this pill, talk to this councillor. Although I should and would recommend it.
My therapist is me. I am taking measured methodical steps to trace it's beginning and I would like to keep other sufferers with mental health issues, depression bipolar and other such crippling illnesses, posted as to my progress as I find answers. I am not a doctor, or a psychiatrist, so my diary is purely that of my own experiences. But if I could help just one person smile on a dark day It would mean the world.