Extremes of Bi-Polar
Why is it that when you want to write you just cant find the words and when you don't have the time the words just flow? And when I can't write, I feel lost and alone. I write to connect with life and it does a pretty good job of doing that. It does seem to connect me with people, yet that doesn’t seem to be the main reason that I write.
I write when there is confusion in my life, when there is turmoil or extreme happiness. I seem to write at the opposite ends of Bi Polar during the stable times there is nothing to write about, I'm Normal then. It's when I'm approaching the edge of either end that I'm interesting, I feel that I'm rather dull in between. Not just as a person, but my senses and creativity seem to be linked to the extremes. The Highs are amazing, I feel like I could conquer the world, but the low's tear my heart out. But in that state I write well.
Bipolar can have it's moments, the creativity which is an integral part of me, is so heightened during an episode. That when I'm level I just cant seem to get the creativity to come out. There are times when it will surface through a dull period but it never feels as bright. The writing or the painting comes out bright, but I just don't feel it that way.
I can write when I'm dull, but it's like pulling teeth. It hurts and it's hard to get out, and it's never quite the same as with the extremes. During those times the words flow. They come pouring out in a flood, it's easy, and enjoyable. It's not work like it is when I'm dull.
Yep, I've found a new word and it seems to describe how I feel in the middle. I feel like there are three of me. The happy upbeat vibrant girl that smiles at everything, is always there with a helping hand, the one that enjoys life and can get through anything. Then there is the girl who can't seem to face the world, that fluctuates from angry to sullen at the drop of a hat. She is the girl that really doesn’t want to live. She sees no purpose in her life, no reason to go on, wracked by a depression that is devastating. Then there is the Dullard. She's just kinda stuck in the middle. Her life is OK, she's not running off on a tangent, she can get things done, but there is no overwhelming joy to it, no deep depression just a flat-line dulness that keeps her going. She is still a creative person it just takes a lot to inspire her. She tries to be upbeat and can fool most people, but when she is alone, she loses her smile and spark.
Well that seems to be me, living with the extremes of Bi-Polar. If that won't leave your life interrupted nothing will.
