Feeling So Darned Lonely and Shortchanged in Life: A Satire
It's impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night.
Hearts Are Not Always to Be Heeded
My intuitive and sometimes painfully empathetic heart got inspired now by so many examples observed in my long life, to say a few words about this feeling which seems like a big part of so called "human condition".
Loneliness. Not getting from life what deep in our hearts we know we deserve. That feeling which brings some fatalistic, strong impressions about a destiny predetermined for us by an obviously unlucky star.
To mind comes my poor mother with whom I deeply empathized when father left us for another woman, on his erotically inspired quest for freedom, At that age of nine, I wondered why she wouldn't choose to just move on in life instead of that prolonged suffering -- because I felt relieved and liberated without that stern and often abusive figure hanging around the house.
You know what I mean? She could have empathized with my joy, instead of me empathizing with her sorrow. Well, this may be only one of few paradoxes that I may mention in this post, but -- on one hand, once old, we want to feel more like those young ones do, and on the other hand, we reserve our right of grownups to stay pissed.
And then there is that example of a friend of almost half century, who suddenly got inspired by his depression to believe how we are looking down on him -- so he deserted into a self-imposed loneliness.
Now, for a brief moment trying to sound "scientific" or something -- those 90% of afferent nerve fibers connecting heart with brain surely send a lot of weird messages to the brain, making it "reason", and take a stand about a situation, or the whole life.
So much so that I can't help wondering how much of the world's misery stems from nothing objectively valid as a reason, but solely propelled by heart's irrational whims. In some hypothetical universe, it would be so great if heart and mind found some healthy cooperation on a fifty-fifty basis, instead of our emotions hijacking our mind.
But then, wouldn't the whole cultural paradigm suffer without suffering? Which brings us to this next paradox. Namely, it was for this feeling crappy that so many masterpieces of art got created -- those fine paintings, sculptures, poetry, music, even porno-subculture, as it caters to our sexual loneliness.
Artists feeling lonely and creating a medium as a bridge to others, as if seeing in it one password to others' hearts, the one they couldn't provide by merely being themselves.
Well, what a lousy task trying to understand this human race...
Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between notes and curl my back to loneliness.
-- Maya Angelou
Lonely Because Others Are Not on Our Page
Indeed, it's like feeling more "normal", fulfilled, and mostly happy hasn't got much to contribute to the artistic opus of the mankind. I should know, because my weird hobby of cultivating happiness may inspire one or two of human specimens, whereas thousands will emotionally relate to a poignant story.
It's O.K. like that, we are just eternally proving our individual differences, and in a way, it's an underlying theme of this post.
When we really think of it, loneliness comes from our not being emotionally on the same page. It gives shock to those of us heavily into politics that some "have a nerve" to feel differently about what's the best for the country.
And those deeply into religion can't fathom how some others are capable of believing in some other deity. Just like those vegans, who are grossly disgusted by anyone killing a poor animal and calling its dead flesh something like a "culinary delicacy".
Indeed, we differ so much from one another, and with all those clumsy attempts to bridge those differences our hearts somehow can't help but feel lonely. Love, friendship, patriotism, or cheering for the same team -- only partially succeed to remove that deep impression.
Our hearts just don't seem to know how to handle that imposing emotion. In a protest against others for "not being more like ourselves", we have invented all levels of intolerance -- from being standardly pissed off all the way to making wars.
Hey, we can even hate those poor extraterrestrials who have never done anything to us -- except in our dark imagination. We are extending our loneliness in this world into one of being lonely in this universe, so -- just like having imaginary celestial friends, we are having imaginary cosmic enemies, after having exhausted all those global foes that we chose to see as such.
Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.
-- Bertrand Russell
Too Busy Feeding Fears to Think Clearly
These days we are adding an altogether new dimension to that feeling of loneliness, as the public paranoia makes a potential carrier of corona virus out of each person being too close to us. -- someone to be kept at a distance.
Even that little sense of closeness that we forced ourselves to feel through that illusion of patriotism now got perverted into a "common fight against a pandemic". We distance ourselves from one another fearing one another -- then call it a "joint effort", instead of strengthening our immune systems with more closeness, which would kill the tiny bastards that simply couldn't find their home in a loving person.
So we are masking mousy faces hiding friendly smiles, avoiding hugs with dear ones, "shaking hands" by touching elbows -- cooking in our own oils of loneliness and fear. Kudos to human race!
Massively hypnotized into fixating on our electronic crazy box to feed our misery with new reports of increases in those dead from the virus, with corrupted hearts envisioning a doomsday pandemic wiping us all off the earth.
Not trusting our immune systems. Not trusting doctors who see in it just a yearly feature of a flu season with the same number of globally dead victims. Not trusting lonely weird voices like mine, asking you in vain -- if corona deserves all this advertisement and preventative measures, why didn't every yearly flu season deserve the same, since the number of victims is the same?
And hey, you religious folks, what ever happened to your faith that god is there to save you from the virus? Unless, of course, you believe that this virus is a "god's will, and he always works in mysterious ways".
For Pete's sake, if you want to "believe" in something without "knowing", why not choose instead to believe how Big Pharma, World Health Organization, and the Media are jointly orchestrating all this fear mongering so that they get ultra rich by coming up with a vaccine? Beliefs are cheap -- and we don't get to "know" the ultimate truth anyway.
Are we, as intelligent beings even capable of grasping the biological fact that we cannot be infected if our immune system is working properly -- and it can only work properly if we stop feeling lonely, fearful, overcautious, and replace it with those emotions which are more life promoting.
In other words, the "pandemic" would have never happened if we hadn't been so damn emotionally ready to buy the crap.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my eyes and all is born again.
-- Sylvia Plath
Let's Put It in Some Rhymes to Make It Look Better
Now, here is a poem that talks about my own story of realizing how on some deep levels we are all naturally lonely, and we might as well accept it, from that platform of individual differences building some healthy models of coexistence.
We only feel lonely when others don't feel as we do. But that's each person's right to be themselves, not an emotional clone of us. So here come my verses.
There was the time during my early start
when friends were scarce by a crazy fate
loneliness sat heavily on my friendly heart
and yet, just blessing with nothing to regret.
Wandering in this world with no compass or map
I met many characters from novels and stages
drawn to me by chance or some weird mishap
a colorful gallery of faces of all different ages.
Apparently friendly, at least by a pose
with a passing smile measured in dose
or empty bottle that would bring us close
but not a type for a poem, more for a prose.
So when I got a clue what was going on
it was like myself being in that room only
and then I quietly wished to be left alone
maybe to end up feeling much less lonely.
At other occasions a compliment would come
before I discovered some cosmetic pretenses
as he would turn nothing but shallow and dumb
didn't need much more to get back to my senses.
Again, it was like me in that room only
while quietly wishing to be left alone
maybe to end up feeling less lonely
by spending that time on my own.
Those times are gone now and yet I can't lie and pretend
for there are still times when that past would return
when in the middle of hosting a true good friend
reluctant to face it but being forced to learn.
Yes, it feels like myself at my home only
while I am secretly wishing to be left alone
maybe to end up feeling so much less lonely
'cause he was way too far from being my clone.
Years passed before I knew deep in my heart
that we are all too different to fill up that gap
not something to make me so overly smart
but enough to stop all that loneliness crap.
And that's how we arrive at the end of this, somewhat satirical story, which, if turned around, might inspire someone to tell me how with unfriendly posts like this one I can't expect but to be really "left alone" -- even if I opt to call it something dignifying like a "spiritual solitude".
I never feel lonely, while being in company of my mind and my heart and the beautiful symphony called life they play together, letting me be the conductor and the only genuine audience. And then, there are those to whom I give my heart, and sometimes a good word from my mind. What I get in return is -- well, whatever they feel like giving, if anything, for I gave it for free, not counting on returns.
Again, loneliness comes from impression that others are not emoting on the same page with us. But it's so rewarding to discover our differences.
© 2020 Val Karas