Fighting alcohol addiction and learning to be a better me.
I really feel that this idea of quitting drinking alcohol, stop smoking weed, no breaking the law, and no sugary drinks may have been a hasty decision but you see it wasn't all my idea. God speaks to me even though I am newly saved. I will start by saying this so there is no confusion. I do believe in God, I do believe Jesus came to die for my sins, and I also believe that my heavenly father has a real sense of humor. I believe that anyone can be saved and I am true testimony to that. I haven't yet figured out my whole testimony as there have been many nights that I was blacked out and don't remember. I am beginning to put pieces together though. Even though a lot of it is painful I do have the ability to laugh at certain things.
For instance the other night I was in such a bad mood but trying to contain because I am a Christian now. I gave my husband unneeded crap. I was cranky because my brain was fighting with me about alcohol. My husband says "what's wrong?" I am quiet and not sure what to say so I say "You don't own me and you have changed since we got married. I thought I was marrying a godly man and I think you just married me so you wouldn't have to feel guilty about us having sex." Then he got quiet and I was lacing up my mental boxing gloves. I am ready to go round for round. I knew somewhere inside that I was being completely absurd. However, that little voice didn't stop me. I was so ready to gather more words and use them as weapons against my own husband. Mind you, we have only been married 1 month as of today. My fabulous husband said "Goodnight I am going to sleep." He proceeded to put on his sleep breathing machine and I was politely left with my own demons. I was fuming to God. I wan't getting a reply. So I decided to listen to my audio bible. I turn the volume up on my cell phone and I reluctantly pray for my husband. I ask God to make my husband read his bible more and I pray that he will draw closer to Christ. When I pick up on where I left off on my audio bible it amazes me what was said. "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." (Proverbs 25:24) and then my phone battery dies. I had to laugh to myself and begin to evaluate the way I was treating my husband. The man that the Lord sent to me so that I may be a whole woman. "A three fold woman. A lady, her lover, and the Lord." (I had to throw that in there as it is one of my favorite songs.)
So, I then become convicted by God and his living word...... "who do you think you are to judge my son? Why would you treat him in a way that you wouldn't want someone to treat you? Did I ever say that man is without error or easy to live with? Have you tried leading by MY example or your own example?"
At that point I knew I needed to hand my worries to God and trust that he is in control. I felt bad for attempting to start an argument just so I could justify getting a beer if he said one wrong thing.
I am stubborn and even though the light bulb went off in my head, I didn't apologize I just cuddled next to his back and didn't say another word....until the next night....WOW you would think I would have learned....more to come on the next blog.
Thank you for reading and letting me enter into your brain for awhile. I hope you enjoy this and if you have any questions, comments, or advise, don't be shy. Leave a comment.
So, yes I do believe that the Lord has a sense of humor and it makes living and learning HIS way a bit less hard. If you can laugh at yourself then why not? God probably is!