Forgive You, A Better You

Over the past six weeks, I have been challenging a group of amazing friends at building their doTERRA business and creating a realization to their self-love. This week has to be the most challenging week.Today, our challenge is about forgiveness, and to journal it. Instead of just jotting it down, I'm opening it up because so many people go through this same issue.

The challenge was:

• Are you holding a grudge against yourself in the past?
• Forgive yourself.
• Write down that troubled moment in life and why you are forgiving yourself for it.

For anyone that has ever had the opportunity to get to know me, knows that I am not a forgiving person and the bridge will be burned. So as I think of this challenge, I realize I have burned a bridge with my inner self. Let me go back to approximately 9 years ago, give or take a day or two, to tell you my story.

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Young, dumb and broke.

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I was 24, two kids in the home, and I should have seen the signs were just around the corner. My boyfriend, at the time, and I should have called it quit way before it got to the point it did. At this particular time we were getting ready for an upcoming trip to Denver for a Broncos vs. Cowboys football game.

This was one of our better days, at least for a little bit, we were almost ready to go and were just waiting on his mom to come over and drop off her van. I remember sitting on the couch with our son [Dominic] playing, have a good time while he was on the phone with his mom. When he got done on the phone, he was telling me something about how he was being talked to on the phone in a belittling manner by his mom, I had made a comment along the lines of, "I don't like how she speaks to you like that, all slow like you can't comprehend what she is saying to you."

That is the moment it all went south.

I had a pan in that instant thrown at me, luckily he missed Dominic and I. I got up and tried running out of the house with our son, but I got shoved up against the door and my head thrashed against it. I struggled to get out of his grip, but then I was thrown on the floor. He then started to kick me in my stomach in efforts to disable me. Boy did it work. I could hear Dominic crying, but I couldn't get to him and by this time he was on top of me, straddled on top of my stomach with closed fists. He punch me in both my right and left temples three to four times each. Next thing I know, he gets off me and just walked off liked nothing happened.

I couldn't move for hours, I just bawled in a ball on the floor. Broken.

I had two black eyes, my forehead was swollen, my ribs were sore and bruised [luckily not broken], I could barely move. I wore hats and sunglasses for days. If I didn't have to be out, I didn't go anywhere. The unforgivable part for me, is that I never left. I didn't think I could financially make it on my own with two kids, so I stayed. I got that apology, the "I'll change," the excuses that I hoped were true. Just like other people have gotten when they stay in the bad situation.

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Fast forward to 2011.

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The hustle and bustle of working at a coffee shop. It was a Wednesday and I had to be to work at 7:00 am. I headed out the door at 6:50 am to get to work on time. Around 9:30 am, I get a visit from a Detective from the Rapid City Police Department and he had asked me if I knew what was going on. I instantly go into a panic mode.

He tells me something has happened to my daughter, Kalista, and that I needed to leave work to take her to the hospital. I told him I needed to contact my boss to have him cover my shift and he told me that it was fine. He had to contact his supervisor and let him know what was going on. Before he left the coffee shop he told me they may be taking my kids into state custody. At this point, I still have no idea what is truly going on. We both go our separate ways at the moment to make our phone calls. When he got back I was informed, "I just got off the phone with my supervisor and we will be taking your kids into custody. Are you sure you can prove you started worked at 7:00 this morning?"

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About a half an hour later.

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We went to the school to see Kalista, but I was instructed to not ask her any questions about what happened. When I saw her she had red marks perfectly placed on her beautiful face. Equivalent to those of a hand being spread across her face and squeezing her cheeks, like someone wanted her front and center attention but she was not giving it. Five full finger prints, four on one side and one on the other.

The most frustrating thing in the world is being in a room full of people and being told, "You cannot ask her any questions about what happened to her."

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Why was I working? Why couldn't I be home? Why does God let this happen? This was the moment I lost any faith I had in Him.

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I had supervised visits, in the Department of Social Services office, for almost a year with both of my kids. I had only a few visits with my attorney, who did not give my very good guidance but what I did get I did follow. My goal was to get my kids back.

• Kicked out the boyfriend
• Got a second job to keep up on bills
• Became a very work/home body

By January 2012, I learn my efforts were pointless. I was told I was not fit to have them come home with me because he would not leave me alone. He called me constantly, he showed up at my jobs unannounced, and if I was out doing something he would be right there stalking behind me. My parental rights were terminated by the State of South Dakota.

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The downward spiral.

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I became a heavy drinker, some kind of liquor was slipped into every drink I had. I got into the drug scene. I even started prescription pill use, which wasn't my first time down that path.

January to September 21, 2012 became a blur. I worked two jobs. I got multiple calls from prison, where the ex was, during that time. He would scream at me and tell me that I was the reason this all happened and it's not fair how I could just go out and have fun with my life. Fun with my life? Really? I worked two jobs and drank until I'd fall asleep seven days a week. I was taking pills to get through the hangovers, and I was to exhausted for life and considered suicide on multiple occasions.

On September 22, 2012 I decided I needed a new lease on life. I went to Verizon and changed my phone number, the guy was confused as to why. The same instance a call came through my on my caller ID and I simply stated "That's why. That's my ex, he's calling from prison, and I NEED to change my number so I don't continue to get calls 30 plus times a day." Before my phone number was changed I got 5 more phone calls, and by then the guy understood why.

By my birthday I had decided I was putting myself on a five year plan.

• Figure out what I need of myself
• Get back on my feet
• Get full custody of my kids

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The next chapter of my life. Where the forgiveness should come into play.

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November 1, 2012 I was working at TGI Friday on the bar side serving. This guy came in and said he was waiting a for a few friends to come meet him. Ordered himself an Amaretto and Coke. The night went on, they were all having a good time. As everyone's night started to wind down, by now this was my last table and I just wanted them to leave so I could have a drink and go home.

I got a question I have never been asked that night, "Hey Mary, can I have your number?" Thrown off guard I just stood there for a moment. He wasn't the jerk at the table so I said sure. He took it down the first time in his phone and instead of saving it, he fat fingered the 'delete' button. He asked me for it again, but this time I took his and sent him a text that said "Fake digits?"

Since I wasn't sure about him I didn't tell him my story for about a month, I wanted to make sure I could trust him and see if he was just passing through my life or may be around for a bit. I told him my five year plan, and he understood and supported the idea.

He has truly been my rock and I appreciate everything he has done for our family. We were married in April 2014, had a son in 2015, we have had through hard times but we have always pulled through between the strength of each other.

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What now?

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A couple of years passed and I decided, instead of fighting to get full custody I would go for visitations instead. Why can't I be able to see them, I'm there mom?

I have had a long time to think of all of this, and by the time I got to the end of my five year plan date I decided to not continue on any of my plans. The way I see it, they have been in their places for over five years not and they do not need any other life disruptions. If they would like to see me when they turn 18, they are welcome to find me and get to know me. My husband has understood and supported my decision, every step of the way.

Today, I am forgiving myself for feeling like I have given on up on my kids. I am taking the realization that I am allowing them to grow without creating any farther confusion in their life. They need to grow under the guidance they have now, and I just hope all is well every day.

I understand now that this may have been the greater path in my life. The one that would get me on track. I am grateful for the life I have 110%, and even if I could, I wouldn't change the way things happened in the past.

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While I typed the rest of this today, this song came in at perfect timing. Learning - Kane Brown.