Genuine letter to my mother...
I have to talk to you about something that’s pretty serious. Something that’s going to end my relationship with *****. Something I cannot control and think I never will.
I feel numb all the time; my life has dipped into the borders of depression. I am no longer feeling the need to eat. Work means nothing to me.
Weed, smoking and other things have helped me suppress how I feel. I started gambling again a month ago, I feel nothing as I do it but try to reach for something, some kind of feeling that only exists when im in a state of total panic. When everything seems too good to be true, I feel I have to do wrong in order to feel right.
I’m not telling you this because I want anything from you. I just need you to realise the type of person I have become. I needed you to know, I cannot tell you to your face. If anybody finds out what has been going on, I can see myself slipping further down this slippery slope.
You need to realise that this person you have brought up is not perfect in any way shape or form. But you have done nothing in order for me to feel this way. Its merely a collection of negativity, a lack of self worth and realisation things have got so deep.
I have tried and tried to control my mind, but it’s of no use. When people speak I find myself not listening. When im asked a question, I find myself to inferior to answer. The amount of effort it takes for me to focus on a simple task… you have no idea.
Please just acknowledge that my mental state is not in order… something is not right. I am mentally able to notice this but find it physically impossible to amend myself.
I no longer have my own thoughts; my decisions are running in default mode. Almost living like a zombie, but not a zombie, as a zombie has a purpose.
I’m so scared of what you’re going to say to me.