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Goodbye Letter Number Two

Updated on September 13, 2010

Unspeakable Thoughts

I'm not finished saying Goodbye!

Well it looks like Spirit wants me to do this. I'm supposed to write this down. Believe me, I'm reluctant. Spirit says we are both the public type of focus.*

So whatever we two do, it's with an eye on publicizing it. Believe me again, I am still reluctant even as I know that's true. It's one of those darn revelations about selfhood that must be accepted in order to know thyself and accept thyself so you can be more than yourself eventually. Self expression is what humans do here, if you don't say what's on your mind and in your heart, accept the consequences of what happens next by keeping a zipped up lip.

Not to get off track (but really, that's fun!) our type of focus encounters jealousy from others. Now, that smarts! It's like unfair flack. Pie in the face from the least likely places. Not only that, this type of focus can easily get crucified on the wheel of martyrdom, or take themselves out by their own hand on a passing whim which sounds quite logical at the time.

I keep asking Spirit "when can I go home? Huh? Huh? Huh?" There's this Chinese dude walks into my dreams and smiles at me condescendingly and tells me I could live 45 (44 now) more years; then to tease me, he says it's really up to me if I want to come sooner. He leaves me baffled as to what I'm supposed to do with my cellular mass this time. I'd rather just exit by going to sleep and disappearing. Seems easier. My husband died by alcohol suicide at 42 years. I think that's a nasty way to go. The autopsy revealed a completely shriveled and lifeless appendix in the body after death. Liver was barely functioning also. That's why he stopped eating there at the last. I wondered how he managed to walk around that last year with something dead inside him.

I honor him anyway. Especially after meeting you. If you think that's a dig, you're right. You have never been Mr. Nice Guy. I finally woke up to this fact. Whatever. Mike was gentle, kind, humorous, would never hurt a fly. His good traits outnumbered his faults. We were divorced, but we stayed friends to the end, therefore it was a successful relationship.
The last time he visited me and the kids, his higher self was trying to tell me, this was it. He wouldn't be traveling down from Grand Junction to Denver to see us anymore. I knew this, but neither of us said a word about it. He was in pain that he tried to hide, but I saw him clutching his belly and grimacing every few minutes. What a marvel he was. So stoical. Reserved of emotion, but he had to see us one more time and was putting up a front of normalcy.  Suddenly I knew, but I couldn't accept it. I wanted to fly to him with my hot, healing hands, instead our eyes locked on and his exploded with light, just like they had at our first meeting, and just like they had in the delivery room when the twins were born.

These eyes were bright orbs of other worldly luminous. I know what I saw by the number of heartbeats in my chest pounding rapidly. I was suspended in compassion. The best love I'd ever known was going to leave me and mine, alone, to travel on here. He'd made his own destiny and no matter how hot my hands were, I wouldn't be allowed to use them on him.
This journey of his, it's what we call free will operating here. We were quite a pair. Both of us prone to suicidal impulses so easily.

That's over though and not the reason for this note. I told you I like to get off track. There's a reason for that too. To finish the digress, I see him from time to time in Spirit land, even though I don't see his destroyed physical body I see a body that looks the way it did when I first met him. Lo and behold, he was still simulating the act of drinking on the other side. Thankfully, for my sake, he laid the glass down when I approached him, as if to say, he could take it or leave it.

I was hoping the beverage was iced tea or cranberry juice; I didn't want him to be drinking even after his death. Things got a little better in that scene when two guides showed up to announce they were going to help him come out of himself. He had some dry humor that was going to fit well in a show they were putting on. I left feeling good, he was coming out of his shell, what more could I ask? I sort of made a fool out of myself by acting like a cheerleader and jumping up and down at the offer he was getting. At least I made him smile as the guides looked on with deadpan faces. Obes are real trippy. You can't deny what they present to you when you wake up. What I learned from hubby number two, a true destiny mate, was to learn to not hold grudges even though our issues went unresolved for the moment, if it didn't bother him that we had differences un-talkable, then I took my cue, that I wasn't going to let it fester inside of me either; even though these un-talkable items led to a divorce, I determined I wanted the father of my children to stay in their lives and mine, no matter what. I wanted them to see his kindness, his gentleness and non-pushy manner; and the way he drew flowers for them. Flowers that came from another world he said. The twins said they hardly remember him as the divorce occurred when they were three years old and his sporadic visits were not conducive to actually knowing what his soul was all about. I suppose they'll have to get to know him in the afterlife, just like I'll have to find my genetic  father someday and get to know him in the afterlife.

Well shucks. I got so far off track, I made two pages already! Will have to get back with you on the original point on the next article. Hope you are feeling good these days. LR

*Focus: Consciousness unit sent into earth life system (ELS) to gather information/experiences to take back to the Oversoul familial joined units upon closure of the life. See Elias literature for further definition. See Seth material and Robert Monroe material for further correlations material.


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    • LaughingRain profile image

      Alysia McAlister 7 years ago from Arizona

      thank u for the response mr killrats?

      thats a funny user? name. or could it be your real name? I sincerely apologize if so. yes, thank god for the animals! amd dream world is apparently here to stay!

    • killrats profile image

      killrats 7 years ago from Cape town South Africa

      Hi Laughingrain,

      Love the name and a few other things, this hub and would love to spend a few weeks alone in the Arizona desert. My pets do give me a spring in my step and dreams are not just things that happen, they I beleive have meaning.