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Grief Over the Loss of Your Best Friend

Updated on August 2, 2018
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Victoria is a junior pursuing an undergraduate degree in Human Resources Management, she works full-time and is a single mother.

Grief has five stages, but with certain losses they just keep repeating themselves

I have been stuck in stage four depression four over a decade it seems in my journey to overcome the death of my best friend. I struggle with denial over and over as times come and go and dates come and go. I still have yet to visit his resting place as I feel that he is not even really there that he is everywhere except there and therefore there is no need to visit where they laid his body to rest. I was angry for years and still struggle with it most days when it comes to making any friends. I could say on most days that I do not have a friend in this world that would miss me if I packed up and just left, sure some may think of me, but they would not miss me, not like he would have if he were still here. Over time, I feel I am just holding myself back by not moving on with my life but then I feel selfish when I have moments of happiness and cannot share them with the one who I wish I could the most. There is a hole that I know not one soul will ever be able to refill as the soul was pure, trusted with my deepest secrets, my heart breaks, my passions, and all my awkwardness. I remember every moment the good and the bad and can still laugh and cry at all the memories we had. I try to block out the bad, but the worst memories are the ones the haunt me the most I remember seeing you dying, I remember seeing your fear as your life was being taken from you as hundreds watched and could not or would not do anything, and I remember seeing you lifeless body in a casket. Words cannot describe seeing your best friend feel go through what you did and not being able to do nothing, to be helpless and ignorant. I am angry that no one could do anything and that almost no one talks about you like I do anymore. They block you out to not feel the pain of losing you too soon but I refuse to forget so easily, I miss you every day. The anxiety of every person seeing the real person screaming on the inside of me each day eats at me more and more and I am lost. I need you and you are no longer here to reach out to, they say write to him and I have for years and years and yes sometimes it does help, but no answer ever comes back. Then, when I think of what your responses would be my heart hurts even more as you would tell me to forget you and I just cannot do that, I will not.

Over time, I feel I am just holding myself back by not moving on with my life but then I feel selfish when I have moments of happiness and cannot share them with the one who I wish I could the most. There is a hole that I know not one soul will ever be able to refill as the soul was pure, trusted with my deepest secrets, my heart breaks, my passions, and all my awkwardness. I remember every moment the good and the bad and can still laugh and cry at all the memories we had. I try to block out the bad, but the worst memories are the ones the haunt me the most I remember seeing you dying, I remember seeing your fear as your life was being taken from you as hundreds watched and could not or would not do anything, and I remember seeing you lifeless body in a casket. Words cannot describe seeing your best friend feel go through what you did and not being able to do nothing, to be helpless and ignorant. I am angry that no one could do anything and that almost no one talks about you like I do anymore. They block you out to not feel the pain of losing you too soon but I refuse to forget so easily, I miss you every day. The anxiety of every person seeing the real person screaming on the inside of me each day eats at me more and more and I am lost. I need you and you are no longer here to reach out to, they say write to him and I have for years and years and yes sometimes it does help, but no answer ever comes back. Then, when I think of what your responses would be my heart hurts even more as you would tell me to forget you and I just cannot do that, I will not.

Words cannot describe seeing your best friend feel go through what you did and not being able to do nothing, to be helpless and ignorant. I am angry that no one could do anything and that almost no one talks about you like I do anymore. They block you out to not feel the pain of losing you too soon but I refuse to forget so easily, I miss you every day. The anxiety of every person seeing the real person screaming on the inside of me each day eats at me more and more and I am lost. I need you and you are no longer here to reach out to, they say write to him and I have for years and years and yes sometimes it does help, but no answer ever comes back. Then, when I think of what your responses would be my heart hurts even more as you would tell me to forget you and I just cannot do that, I will not.

Maybe visiting his grave is a step that needs to be done even if seems meaningless to me it has a meaning to most and could be a step in the direction I need to overcome the stages I am back and forth with over and over. He was an artist so I try and try to draw at a fill of his potential to bring something for him, but nothing fits for me and it is probably because perfection is just never possible when it comes to a first. I never thought of my first goodbye and what I might say, but I know that when I do it will be perfect in its own way for him and somehow he will know how I am feeling and what I am saying somewhere, somehow.

Rachel Hawkins Quote

“It sucks that we miss people like that. You think you've accepted that someone is out of your life, that you've grieved and it's over, and then bam. One little thing, and you feel like you've lost that person all over again.”

My five stages broken down

  • Denial-Blocking out the reality of hoping to see someone again. My best friend died right there in the middle of lunch hour at our high school in front of hundreds of other students and faculty and he choked and the food had become lodged where resuscitation become un-forsakenly difficult. As the ambulance arrived we all knew that in our minds that he was gone as his lifeless body was blue and lifeless being put on a stretcher, but it was not until I got home and my mother, his mother's best friend told me he was really gone. An assembly was held at the beginning of the next school day to announce and I was asked to speak but refused because they was no way he could be gone I had just seen him that had to be lying is all seemed to be a very bad joke as angry hit me hard.
  • Anger-Angry at the person for dying, angry at ourselves for being angry at the deceased, and angry at just about everyone and everything. I did not take days off from school as I hated pity from others as they all knew what he meant to me and some took that as a reason to bully and by no means did they realize the anger that it shook inside. I remember one girl, in particular, saying even if the food was not lodged and the Heimlich would have worked no one would have been able to get their arms around such a large boy I mean he was quite a big guy so why be so sad about it he died happy eating. My limits had been pushed that day as I began throwing desks making my way over to this girl ready to end her days as well for speaking ill of him regardless of the manner of his well-being. Acts like this continued for days until the school finally recommended I be sent to get some help for post traumatic stress syndrome as the seen my acts as pity and it made my anger even more resentful.
  • Bargaining-You begin you make feel resentment for what could have been said or done and even speak with God or anyone that you feel could speak to the deceased to relay a message to bargain any unfinished business to be dealt with. I still had so much to say to my best friend, I wanted to tell him I loved him, how I missed him, goodbye I will see you again, I will never forget you, and I will always remember all I had with you. I had never really had a belief in God so I felt silly when I tried to reach out like my words would not be heard or disregarded because it was only because I wanted something from him. I begged to have him relay that I would be okay, that I would not let him down and would continue on with what we had always talked about would make us happy.
  • Depression-Some depression is just coming up for the money for the loss and expenses of the deceased. Then there is isolating yourself from all other family and friends during the grief of the loss during your grief as we try to rid our own farewell to the deceased. This is the stage I feel that even after a decade I am still in as I still have not a friend in this world that I could call on like him, that truly cares like he did, that matters to me like he did, and that touched me in a way that made me forever think of his future and saddened me deeply as his future ended. Even when I got married only a handful of my own family showed up as I had isolated myself for so long that not one of them even know me anymore and as my family started passing away I started to not even go to their funerals to mourn as I did not miss who I did not know.
  • Acceptance-It comes and it goes, you may accept the death, but in times the stages from before may repeat themselves as it is a process. I have accepted that he is gone and is not coming back, yes, but it does not stop me from denying, being angry, bargaining, and being depressed all throughout my life over such a hardship no person should ever have to undergo.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep,

I am a thousand winds that blow

I am the diamond glints on snow

I am the sunlight on ripening grain

I am the gentle Autumn rain

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight

I am the soft stars that shine at night

Do not stand at my grave and cry

I am not there, I did not die

— Mary Elizabeth Frye Quote

Five Stage Of Grief Broken Down

(click column header to sort results)
   
   
   
   
   
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Blocking Out Reality
Angry at God
God
Burial Costs
What is
Surreal Feeling of Anxiety
Angry at Deceased for leaving
What Could Have Been Done
Isolation
What is not
False Hope of seeing deceased again
Angry at Ourselves
What Could Have Been Said
Family and Friends
What will never be

My path of grief

I spent six months getting the help I needed to understand my grief and handle it in a healthy manner to not lash out and make a fool of myself. Now I dedicate myself to helping others to the same, I am on a journey along with many others to find relief for tragedy and post traumatic stress syndrome and will do all in my power to survive and conquer this battle in his name.

My stay at a health facility for the loss of my best friend

It resisted help for weeks with anger so deep inside of me at God, my friend Jesse Lee for leaving me, myself, and everyone else for just being there to witness my angry manner. The Therapist there refused to give up on me and pushed limits I thought no one would dare until I finally broke down to a place of anguish I thought I would never come out of. I begged God for forgiveness for hating him for taking Jesse and to tell him I love him and will see him again, but even today I feel my ties with God are broken as when I said I hated him I really felt I true meaning of hate behind it. Depression is a dark place I would not wish upon the worst of people in this world and I stayed that way for months, but with my therapist Brian's help I survived and came to terms with Jesse's death. I still battle the stages, but the acceptance is there because one man refused to give up on me unlike everyone else in my life family and friends included.

Loss

Do you feel better at times and then bam all over again the five stages begin?

See results

© 2017 Victoria Shay Marie Montgomery

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