- Death & Loss of Life
Grieving When You Lose Someone Close To You
Healthy Tips to Help Deal With Grief, Loss, Death, Bereavement and All Those Words That Describe That Terrible Feeling of Going On Without the Special Person You Lost. A self help to grief counseling.
grief is a process
Depression is one of Many Natural Feelings
There is a saying that in this world, no one gets out alive.True as these words are, it doesn’t prepare us for the myriad of feelings, grief depression, and anxiety, we go through as we face the days, weeks, months, and years ahead without those we loved and lost. Everyone’s loss is personal and individual, and each person grieves in their own way. Some people grieve openly, some in private. Some want people around them, some want seclusion. Some people will occupy themselves with work and busy things to do, so they don’t have to feel. Some people become idle and don’t know what to do with themselves, they can’t concentrate and they feel lost. Some people will drink or abuse substances to numb the pain. Some will overeat, and some lose their appetite altogether. Some of us don’t sleep well, and some sleep more and longer as way to get away from the pain of loss. We all grieve differently, yet we can understand another’s pain, and we want to reach out to help them in this time of need. For those that are grieving the feelings can be overwhelming. There are different degrees of coping with the feelings, especially depression, and sadness that people feel.
The five stages of grief
You may feel like you are watching the rest of the world going about their business, they can easily laugh, and effortlessly do the things they have always done, like you used to do. Only now you are grieving and they are not. As much as people comfort you, no one can truly understand what you feel … and so you feel alone. Death makes us question our own mortality. Death makes us question life, and God and our purpose in this world. Death gives us no answers, it only leaves us with bigger questions. It is a natural part of life, that we must endure. There is no magic pill to get over the feelings. But there are healthy things you can do with these feelings of grief that will help you get beyond the pain and the loss. Grief is a process. There are stages to grief. Kubler-Ross wrote extensively about the 5 stages of grief. It is a good idea to understand these stages, because it helps you understand that the emotions, you are feeling, are feelings of grief everyone goes through. But perhaps the most important thing about the 5 stages of grieving is that, you must go through all 5 stages in order to heal properly. The stages of grief are not a step by step instruction booklet. You can weave in and out of the stages depending on what is going on within you and around you in your life.
the 5 stages of grief
Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia that anyone can edit.
Grief Counseling can be helpful
- Denial – disbelief that it happened
- Anger – Why did this happen, as denial begins to go away
- Bargaining – If only feelings, as reality starts to set in
- Depression – feelings of loss and perhaps hopelessness as we face the future forever without them
- Acceptance – Coming to terms with what has happened, with an inner peace.
Ther are 2 kinds of depression connected with grief and loss. One is the feelings related to the loss such as overall sadness, regret, and mixed feelings of dealing with real life issues from the loss. The second kind of depression is the private feelings we deal with in prepartion to accept the reality that who we loved is gone forever. We protect ourselves before we are ready to say our final farewells, long long after the event and the funeral has occurred.
Not everyone reaches the stage of acceptance. It is that inner peace factor that makes this stage the gift it is. There is a sense of calm within. You may still feel unhappy, and sad, but you are not depressed. You can move forward now, and you know things overall will be okay. You will always remember that person, and it will always hurt that they are not here with you. But you can also cherish who that person or pet was and thoughts of them are not always painful now.
When you are grieving it is important to reach out to people, to let them help you, to allow yourself to cry and mourn for however long you need. It is also good to seek grief counseling if you feel you need more support. Grieving is a personal process. Don’t rush the grief. Pain is good, it lets you know you feel. And to feel, and miss, and mourn means you loved. And love is a gift that lasts forever. So let yourself grieve for a while and relieve the pain of your loss. Then you will have plenty of room for gift of love to be able to reside within you forever, unopposed.
You Can Help Me Heal Too
On October 23, 2010, I lost my mother. She had lived a long life, yet her death happened so suddenly. She wasn’t sick, she lived by herself independently, walked, cooked, and took care of herself. .Although she was 90 years old, she had the mind of a 30 year old, and so she was a lot of fun to be around, because her mind was so sharp. I saw my mother everyday, and she was in my own home when it happened unexpectedly. She slipped away before my eyes. We had just had a conversation, I returned six minutes later to give her lunch, and she was unconscious. Although I am lucky that she lived so long, I have never known my life without my mother, and so my kids and I struggle to re-adjust to life without her. My 3 other siblings don’t share my grief. They immediately started counting her meager assets. I am the youngest, I was my mother’s caretaker, and I shared something different with my mother than they did, and so my loss is my own. To comfort me a little, I have included the eulogy I wrote for her funeral. Why does this comfort me, if readers who don’t know me, and never knew my mother read my thoughts? Because it is cathartic to share my feelings, and it helps me feel like my mother won’t be forgotten, which is important to me. So by reading this, you are helping me get through the stages of grief, the way I need to. I am okay with the pain I feel right now. Crying feels good. Time is a great healer. Thank you for helping me heal.
My Mother Marion
She was a petite woman with a feisty spirit. She loved to be around people. My mother had a good sense of humor and a determination that was an inspiration to everyone who knew her. She loved to sew and was very talented and creative in her hobby – it really was her passion. She could sew everything well.
She was born in Scranton , PA, the 6th of 11 children. Marion wanted more for herself than Scranton could offer and when she was 19, she moved to New York, where she shared an apartment with her older brother and older sister until she met and married my father.
My mother became a loyal New Yorker, and a very avid Yankees fan. She knew all the players, and watched the games, and would call me with the scores. She turned me from a Mets fan to a Yankees fan because she loved the game so much. She was in all her glory to see them win the World Series last year. And this Friday, she told me she had a feeling they would lose the championship that night. I asked her once, why she got into baseball, not football. She looked at me and said, when she was a kid they would all sit around the radio and listen to the Yankee baseball games. Football, she told me, didn’t really exist yet. It gives you perspective on things when you get to talk to someone who lived as long as my mother did. And she used to say, if you live long enough, you see everything.
My mother loved to have fun. She considered herself a big kid. Proof of this, is laughingly remembered by people who saw my mother at 81 years old suspended on a Velcro wall like all the kids, when it was my daughters’ birthday party. She was proud of herself, being able to think on her feet, that she had a sense of humor, and that she knew what was going on, and was clear headed. She had a fantastic memory, was quick at calculations and loved to tell stories of her growing up in Scranton. She always looked to make someone chuckle. I can picture her smiling the other day as she made witty remarks to her aides, and her physical therapist.
My mother lived by a couple of sayings she often quoted. One that she would say was, “Man plans and God laughs”. So she learned to adjust to things that happen in life. She used to also say, “where there is life, there is hope”. And she clung to life as best she could, despite the hardships of being a widow at 55, several bouts of lymphoma, a heart valve replacement and a partial hip replacement. But the best saying she lived by was what she said as soon as she opened her eyes after her heart valve replacement surgery. She said “it’s great to be alive!” And asked that we write it was great to be alive on her stone.
My mother lived to be 90 years old, not an easy feat. She was the longest living of her siblings, so far. She would tell me with amazement and modesty that God granted her a long life. The most important thing to my mother was her independence. She always told me how much this meant to her. That is why she loved her own home. She went the way she told me she wanted to go. She wanted to die quickly, without suffering, with all her senses, and in her house, except she was in my home, surrounded by me, my family, and my pets. In fact she shared her bread crusts with my dogs, that morning. I spoke to her, only a few minutes before it happened, and I know she felt loved.
Ma, you never liked us to say goodbye. You would tell us to say so long. You liked it better. So I won’t say goodbye, I’ll say so long. I already miss you. I would have liked one more chance to share a laugh, hear a story, and to tell you I love you. Ma, thank you for living a long life and letting me get to know the very special person you are. I love you. You told me not to cry when you die, ….. but I will.