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Grieving can bring us to a peaceful life.

Updated on June 4, 2015

Grief work must be done.

What is closure? Closure as it pertains to this article is the range of emotions and physical strengths and weaknesses associated with personal relationships.

Closure is a large part of our ability to cope with life day-to-day. When we have a major event that we cannot resolve we begin to doubt other parts of our life. And this is especially true when there is a death in our close network of friends and family. Whether a parent or another loved one loved one we need to give ourselves enough time to grieve and then go back to making healthy decisions for our best life possible. This is sometimes much harder than it sounds.

All of us have, from time to time, a difference of opinion with those close to us. It is part of being human, right? Given a little time we are able to sort out all of the issues and come to a decision that works well for each of us and then move ahead. However, what if we have this difference of opinion and one of us is killed in an accident prior to the sorting out. Or during a final illness we are thrown into a situation with the person who is passing and we have had a very negative emotional pattern. How do we get past this and how are we able to go ahead with our life, while not reliving these emotions at each bend in the road?

Let’s take a look at some common situations. Each person will have a different experience and each time there will be different key factors.

Element 1.

  • A family member is passing who has had an extremely negative impact on our life. (Example – this family member has been physical abusive.) Certainly no one expects to have a positive resolution today. However, upon our visit to say ‘goodbye’ the person asks for our forgiveness. Knee jerk reaction is to answer in the affirmative and move away from this situation. Hours, days or weeks later, we feel this ‘asking for forgiveness’ was only to clear the ill relative’s heart and not truly meant. Work to be done: Well first of all, chances are very likely we are right. We are, however, not benefiting from our emotions in this situation. A way to get past this and move ahead positively without hurting someone else is to write down all the feelings and emotions surrounding this person, not just this last interaction – but all of it. After it is written down, place this is a safe place for a day or two, then read it. If more is remembered at that time, add the remainder. Now give it a little more time, when you cannot remember anymore. Either physical or emotionally go to a safe place and read your writings out loud and with feeling, then burn the paper while reciting, ‘I am done, this is over, no one can hurt me any more.’

Element 2.

  • How to experience closure when a family member or close friend dies suddenly (accidentally, suicide, or abrupt medical circumstances)? This person may be someone who means the entire world to us. Work to be done: We can use the tools for relief as were use in Element A. We can also go somewhere very peaceful and safe. While remembering every (yes every possible) interaction, begin a celebration of a live we were part of. We can pick hundreds of wildflowers, we can release a balloon for every year or we can make a drawing, sculpture, poem and so on, which we can keep to remember them in a positive way. Each time we look at this piece of art, (after all it isn’t that their life was art, it is our relationship that is the art?); we will think of the moment we discovered that special thing or how we laughed or how we cried. These are the emotions of a happy healthy relationship.

Element 3.

  • And of course, this grieving does not have to have any connection whatsoever $6 with death, it can be a significant part of any break-up of a relationship. Just as difficult, emotionally draining and physically limiting is divorce. Again, we must find the ability to work through the loss and move on to a better place. This is past the dividing parts of our life, past the dredging up of our live events and cutting to the quick of our hearts. This is when we can spend time completely with ourselves and be happy and content with whom we are, that we have moved forward. This can be when we participate in Element 2 and then spend time totally alone with nature to give up all the ‘he said she said’, realize we were wrong at some point and so was the other person, but now we forgive ourselves. It is very help to keep a diary while working through the ups and downs of the kind of loss. This is one of the times that exercise maybe our best friend. Take a walk each day and while on that walk, purposefully state out loud why you are walking. (Example, I can control my life; I am a valuable person; I am a good person...)

These are only a few times in our lives when we must met grief on it’s ground and then move back to ours. We must, however, work through grief to have a whole and productive life. We must forgive ourselves of any wrongdoing. And we must come to peace within our own heart.

Next week: Reliving our best days.

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      Marsha Caldwell 23 months ago

      Thank you Denise for sharing this. You are light years ahead of some who have never had to do this kind of work. We all do at some point. And once we have found the closure we are looking for we can see no only the person, we grieve for but ourselves in a new and beautiful way. Thank you for your comments, I appreciate your candidness and technique for working through your loss.

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      Denise W Anderson 23 months ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

      You are right, grief is work! When I was in the midst of grieving the loss of my brother, I wrote a memorial poem, then put together a booklet with pictures I had of him and stories my mother had given me. It helped me to bring closure to his death. I presented the booklet to each of my family members. They thanked me, as many of them did not have the pictures and stories that I gave them. It helped me to move on, and helped my family members be closer to him as well.

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      Marsha Caldwell 23 months ago from Western Washington State

      Grief, like love, will come into every life. Knowing how to work through the different issues, is how we have our best life.

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