Guilt And Co-Dependency>Part 2 of 4
What's guilt got to do with it?
You might ask why guilt would have anything to do with co-dependency? The answer may be quite simple. Trying to make up for something we feel we may not have provided to someone else, whether it be protection from something or we may feel we didn't pay enough attention to something or we feel we didn't pick up on a persons time of need which we feel could have caused them much harm if we had only done something to prevent it. We feel responsible
So...the BIG question is: Are we trying to make up for it by fulfilling someone elses needs so as to prevent the same thing from re-ocurring? Guilt is a killer and can create major stress which can lead a person to do almost anything to ease the pain/impact of it.
Being co-dependant is HUGE. Guilt is HUGE and disabling. To become co-dependent you must have something buried deep inside that hasn't been resolved and when that something hasn't been resolved it will come up and effect us and every relationship we become involved in thereby disabling them as well and the sign/signal that will make us become aware of it is we go into the protect mode. We begin providing. To protect we must provide even at the cost of our own well being. This now becomes our priority.
Their problems take presetence over everything. When they call we drop everything. We jump at their beconed call. If there's anything we can do we do it without question. We find the answers and offer the solutions to everything no matter how BIG or small. We have an answer for everything and if we don't we'll find it. We are the rescuers!
To think of them ever having their feelings hurt is devastating to us. Why we'll even go so far as to take the blame for everything to keep from rocking the boat! The goal (our goal) is for their comfort and enjoyment/peace of mind, again putting our feelings on the back burner. For us as care-takers we can't handle being the cause of anything.
So why is it that we feel we can't handle being the cause/reason for anything that might disturb another? Because we already feel we are and we are devastated enough by that experiance and adding anymore guilt would make us crumble. Our job/responsibility is to promote/create happiness and we will take the fall to do just that.
We as care-takers take on all the feelings/emotions and if we can't fix it nobody can. No matter how frustrated, stressed or depressed we may become we get the job done. But it doesn't stop there. Why we're ready to take on the world. The load is heavy but our shoulders are BIG! Anything to keep someone from suffering because we would feel the GUILT if they did. Afterall that's what this is all about.
Never enough. We just can't seem to do enough. It's never enough and guess what...it never will be because it's we who are doing the measuring and thr truth is.....nothing will ever be enough. God forbid if we ever ran across someone who is measuring too. We'd be broke and on the streets! We're actully being parents to grown-ups.
So are we playing god in this equasion? If it looks like a duck it probably is a duck and where on earth did we get such an idea??? If we can't see it for what it is there's a HUGE problem. I mean...Take a good look at it! We need to take a more realistic look at ourselves (if we could take our eyes off of them for one second). We're so caught up in other peoples problems that we may never have time for us. Time to see what a mess we are. We're too busy playing god!
We're letting this care-taking thing have power over our well being, our future, our destiny and whether we want to believe it or not...power over them as well. We have taken the reigns and we're taking control of someone elses life and because of it we have lost control of our own, for God know's how long. It's actually sucking the very life from us. Can you feel it?
Take a moment and feel it.
Make sure their happy...Make sure their ok....Make sure. You want more for them than you want for yourself. You've proven it. You've even gone so far as to make yourself sick. Your well being has taken the back seat. You've lost all concept of reality. What's real and what is'nt. It's become our priority....even if it kills us.....and it may. WOW!
I don't think one realizes just how sick they've become or how much help they actually need to recover from this weight they have been carrying. This overwelming darkness that we have been drawn into and trapped. Deep down we know whats happening but because we feel we deserve to pay the price for failing someone else it has now become bigger than us and we have become a slave to it's wrath. We keep pushing until it chokes the very life from us. It needs to stop....so how do we stop it?
It will take a lot of re-training and re-thinking and allowing God in. Yes God. To stop being afraid of what may or may not happen. If we just took a small break. We're not trusting God-We're playing god-We're being god. We are controlling another's destiny and we've trown our's to the wayside. If one does not sow, one will not reap. One needs to sow. We're trying to answer prayer that only God can answer. We're doing what only God can do and He is willing and is able to do so much more....if we let Him.
Letting go will bring a feeling of loss/grief because we will feel we have abandoned someone. Extreme guilt may set in but we need to remember that it is we who has fallen victim to this guilt, and it is we who need to overcome the grip/force it has had upon us. No one is going to die unless God says so.....we should'nt be so hard on ourselves. Whether we believe it or not this has had more of an effect on us than anyone else. We have abandonment issues and we're trying to come to terms with them. We need to recover. Healing needs to take place and for once in our lives I think it's time we started focusing on that. God will see us through......and them as well. Thank you for listening/reading my story. I hope it helps someone else. I pray it does. Thank you.