- Mental Health
Hallucinations and Delusions-My Experience
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2010. I was 37 years old. I began to experience hallucination out of the blue. I don't know what caused it, and neither does my doctor. He thinks it is unusual to start having a psychotic disorder so late in life. Usually you are diagnosed by the early twenties.
I had never had any psychotic symptoms before, although looking back I know I had symptoms of a mood disorder. I would get "manic" and become very impulsive. I would have long depressions. When I started having hallucinations, it was during one of my manic periods.
The first sign was I began to see people's auras. I would see metallic greens and blues surrounding people and objects. I started to believe that I could heal myself and others with a touch, or even by just thinking and intending for them to heal.
I started to become obsessed with anything to do with spirituality. Yoga, meditation, esoteric and religious subjects. I spent hours every day meditating, doing yoga, and researching spirituality.
It was either a spiritual awakening, or I really do have delusions. I am still not sure which is true.
I stayed up for four days at the peak of my manic episode. I began to hear the voice of God. It was a male voice. I could feel his presence in the room surrounding me. Then my delusions started changing quickly. I thought the world was ending. I thought there were vampires out to get me. I thought I was turning into the Goddess Athena. I thought I could feel and hear all of the voices of everyonein the world at the same time.
My boyfriend began to notice something was wrong with me. He took me to the hospital. They wouldn't do anything for me except give me an Ambian for sleep. This just made the hallucinations worse. I could see a yellow fog with tiny World War 1 soldiers inside it, fighting. It was the fifth day, and I still couldn't sleep for more than a few minutes. I had energy rushes in my body that kept waking me up.
My boyfriend called my mom and sister. They drove me two hours away to the city to the hospital my sister worked at. She got me in to an inpatient facility. I was seen by a real psychiatrist this time, and he put me on Haldol (an antipsychotic) and anxiety meds.
I had strange days at the hospital. I didn't really know where I was. But the meds started kicking in, and they released me after ten days.
This was my first psychotic "break". But was it? Or was it something else? It all stems from my meditation. That's when it all started. Was I having a spiritual awakening? I still haven't decided.
After this first episode, I went through several pleasant years of my chakras "opening". I didn't take meds because I didn't think anything was wrong with me. It wasn't until years later that I started taking meds again, due to more bad experiences.
I've been taking meds for the last three to four years. I find it helps me deal with the energies I feel. It helps me function in life. Without meds I am a mess, and have trouble coping with life. I don't take care of myself, because there is no "time" when I'm off meds. Just the ever present now.
Whether it is a spiritual awakening or psychosis, I choose to stick with my medication. I want to be and feel normal. I want to be able to function on a daily basis.
I still have "hallucinations", whatever they are. Just not as much,and not every day. Most of my life is normal now. But I have my doubts. I still think the Universe is sending me messages. My doctor says meds don't always control all of the delusions and hallucinations. I just have to live with it and deal with it. I am doing better all the time.
I take it one day at a time. Some days are worse than others. Some days are great. I know this is my life now, and I have to live it.