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Have I Created The Gold Standard For Laziness?

Updated on May 20, 2010


While I have always considered myself an organized person and I’m proud to say that I for the most part eat healthy and try to contribute to society on the whole, lately I’ve been noticing more and more how much stuff I keep putting off to do around the house and I have finally reached a level where I believe I may have created the gold standard for laziness – Don’t Get Me Started!

While I have a backup for almost every product in my home – toothpaste, window cleaner, etc. so that I will never run out and then have to run out to the store (wow, that statement started with me thinking it was a good example of me being prepared like a good Boy Scout but ended up with me sounding like I’m too lazy to run out of things, hmmm) what I’ve recently discovered is that some things just don’t get done and I have to wonder why. Why for example has the Scrubbing Bubbles automatic shower cleaner been without good batteries to operate it for over a week? For the first few days I gave myself a pass because I would get in the shower each morning and act like Homer Simpson, “Doh, need new batteries in the cleaner thing.” But after a week it couldn’t have still been that, right? So finally after over a week I was watching my Tivo’d shows and in the middle of it I jumped up like someone who has been hypnotized to act like a chicken when someone says the word, “clean” and dug through the “battery drawer” and then ran to the bathroom to change the batteries. Never mind that the bottle in the auto-cleaning dispenser was full so when I tipped it to try and remove the batteries the Scrubbing Bubbles liquid seeped all over my arm and I could swear that I felt some scrubbing going on. Again, lazy – could I have taken the bottle out before taking the batteries out? Apparently not. I thought I could get the batteries changed without taking the bottle of liquid out of the dispenser. I was wrong and thanks to my laziness there’s now an eighth of a bottle of cleaner left and I don’t think it did a thing for the walls or the bathroom rug that it leaked on while I was turning it over and wrestling with it to get the old batteries out and the new batteries in.

After the bathroom incident I returned to my sofa and hit the play button to return to my Tivo watching smelling like Spring Rain. As I sat and then laid down on the sofa I began to look around the house and started to rationalize with myself. “Hmmm, that cabinet is really dusty. But if I dust it now, it’s just going to get dusty again, right? So should I go ahead and dust it now or wait until right before my guy gets back from his trip? Seems to make more sense to do only one dusting instead of two, right?” Once you start cutting deals like this with yourself you’re on a slippery slope of water slide proportions.

I can’t tell you why I felt as though I had accomplished something on the same level as finding a cure for cancer in the fact that I had changed the batteries in the Scrubbing Bubbles dispenser but I did and as a result it gave me a “pass” on doing a lot of other things that needed to be done around the house in my lazy rationalization brain. The odd part was that even as I was convincing myself I knew I was trying to convince myself about something that should never even be considered as rational or a good idea. Is this what they call lying to yourself? Or was I just slowly slipping into the coma of complacency?

How long would it be before I was sitting in front of the television watching The Biggest Loser eating a Whopper with cheese meal, licking the salt off of my fingers that would blow me up like a tick moments after eating it causing great discomfort for hours yet telling myself I “deserved” it because I’d worked out a few days in the week. All the while shaking my head at those “losers” on the television who were working out like crazy people to get rid of the traces of years of doing what I was doing right now?

They say insanity can be defined by doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting a different result each time. I think insanity is lying on the sofa proud of yourself for changing batteries that it took you over a week to change when you had the batteries in the house the entire time. There’s only one way to stop the madness and it’s to get off your ass and dust the damn cabinet. Dust was designed to come back and make you have to dust again, it’s like nose hair or your colon. Sure you can go ahead and ignore them but at some point no one’s going to hear a word you say because you have more hair coming out of your nose than is on your head and if you don’t take care of your colon you’ll eventually just have a shit explosion (I’m guessing). So there are certain things you only have to do once like losing your virginity or being raped when you buy your first car on your own. But other things have to be continuously maintained like your lawn and your sense of style. Still that sofa is a real temptress, I know because it helped me create the new gold standard for laziness! – Don’t Get Me Started!

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    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 7 years ago from Las Vegas

      Ha ha ha! (that's the old fashioned way of writing LOL) I don't even think the thing sprays or cleans anything other than me to be honest. Without fail I find myself moving exactly where the shower curtain gaps to the wall when the thing starts and I always get an eyeful! Duly noted on the batteries. Thank you!

    • MotherHubber profile image

      MotherHubber 7 years ago from Southern California

      You still have the scrubbing bubbles shower thingy? Honey, that S.O.B. came down the 2nd time I realized I would need to replace batteries AND cleaning liquid. Waaaay too much work. Besides, I have a limited supply of batteries, if you know what I'm sayin', and God forbid I need them for "something else" and I go to the drawer and find out that I used the last D-Cells in the Shower Scrubby thing. Believe me, that shower srcubby thing will not know what hit it, and I don't think it was really intended to have "that" sort of multi-functionality. But that gives me an idea for a WONDERFUL invention . . . .!!!

    • habee profile image

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Delightful hub! Gosh, you sound so much like me! lol

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 7 years ago from Las Vegas

      I am SOOO with you. I have no idea what it is (I think it's from years of having "School" clothes and "Play" clothes but when I come home even if I'm wearing jeans I have to get those clothes off and get into "loungewear" immediately as if my clothes are on fire or something. Let's just agree to keep this whole thing our little secret, shall we?? :) Thanks for reading and commenting!

    • Earth Angel profile image

      Earth Angel 7 years ago

      Blessings to you Scott!!

      Your Hub title caught my eye!! Reading it kept me laughing over my morning coffee!!

      Although your Hub is delightfully funny, it also hit a nerve with me!! No one would call me lazy, and yet secretly I have found ways to cut corners here and there!!

      The bed is usually made when friends come over; in-between times, not so much!! I just crawl back in bed for a nap later in the day!! Why bother??

      When I leave the house most of the time I look fairly presentable!! In the house, not so much!! Baggy sweats and a headband seem to be as much as I can muster!! Plus, it is a very efficient outfit for a nap!!

      Heaven help the person who comes to my door unexpectedly!!

      Then I rotate between beating myself to a pulp over the slide in my standards vs. justifying my lowered standards as rebellion against social expectations vs. questioning what has happened to my own internal motivations vs. weighing what is really important in the world . . . The battle rages on in my mind!! And then I need a nap!!

      Blessings always, Earth Angel!!