Having A Bad Day
Another Bad Day Coming
My head is filled with so much crap that I find myself unable to work. All kinds of bad thoughts popping in and out mixing with all kinds of images and emotions. When this happens it takes over my whole being, physically and mentally I become drained, weak, and powerless.
I can see the alcohol in my mind. I can feel what it is like to numb myself of this pain. In the past I would lock myself in my room with a bottle of Vodka, ice and orange juice and simply drink the pain away. It would work too! After downing a couple of glasses I would start to feel the numbness in my cheek. A slow wave of calm would flow over me. It is the same feeling as when you lay in bed and someone pulls the covers up to your shoulders and gently tucks you in.
I felt safe in my dream state world where pain couldn’t touch me. All I needed was my laptop in front of me and the alcohol. In this new state of mind my creativity would be allowed to flow and I would begin typing away at the keyboard creating ideas and expressing feelings. This wouldn’t be possible in the sober world. That is, not without a mass of effort.
I would drink on an empty stomach, always. It was a good system because it led me down a shorter path to where I wanted to be. The booze was a means to an end.
Anyway, I digress!
There is no drinking for me this time. It only leads to more pain, mental and especially physical. There are no answers the next day; just regret.
Why Was This Happening?
What is depression anyway? Why did I have to suffer from it? Questions I have been asking myself from the day I realized something wasn’t right. I remember feeling like the odd one out throughout my whole school life. I felt odd outside of school too. My mind would constantly be racing and I over analyzed everything to the point that doing “fun” things didn’t really feel like fun.
How come playing sports, hanging out with friends, dating girls and all those experiences I had as a youngster didn’t feel like it was supposed to? I was never really 100% there; in the moment. My mind controlled me instead of me controlling it. I only found this out many years later. I had direction, but it was the direction I chose to go while I was in that particular state. When the decision was made, I would be off to achieve that goal. Once the goal was achieved, usually fairly quickly, I would be lost. I would feel as though I made the wrong decision and that what I was doing would not lead me along the path of happiness. And so it went on.
I always knew something wasn’t right; I was always looking for something. I just didn’t know what it was. Truth is, I believed this was the way my life was going to be; of course, now I know different.
Things changed one Christmas Day evening when I punched my fist through a window. Up until that time I was actually laughing, joking and enjoying myself. Obviously, something had upset me. All I remember was the walk towards the window and then being held into a corner while someone was looking at my bloodied hand.
Amazing how suddenly a person can switch paths in life. All it takes is one thing to happen and the path you were once on has disappeared. You have been placed on a new road, good or bad, that is where you are. After that experience I was determined to find out what was bothering me inside. They say good can come from bad, and I guess that pain did wake me up, but with it came a sadness I get around the Christmas holidays. It looks like it is early this year.
Throughout the years after that I fought the depression. On bad days the “dark force” would take hold of my whole being. Twisting, crushing, stamping and beating it until I could not think clearly anymore. The only solution would be to curl up and beg for sleep to take over me or Death to come and get me.
I had very little support. Although those who cared about me knew I was in some kind of pain, they had no idea how to help me. Judging by the look in their eyes, they didn’t think I could be helped.
If I was to beat this thing I had to do it alone. It may not sound like a big deal, but if any of you have suffered from depression you know how much effort it takes even to feed yourself or wash. Everything seems so, pointless.
Now What Do I Do?
Over the years I forced myself to see Psychiatrists, psychologists, hypnotherapists, mental health councilors, and anyone else qualified in areas of the mind. I was prescribed over a dozen kinds of anti-depressants over the years, none of which really helped me. In fact, due to the various symptoms these pills cause, I became even more of a wreck. Hurting family, friends and girlfriends, (not physically), and also hurting myself.
I went to different group meetings which did help me realize that I wasn’t the only person in this mental state. I would spend hours in the local library reading up on anything that may help me understand what was going on with me. Internet wasn’t so big in those days so research meant libraries and paper books!
I went through a period of drinking to kill the pain. The first thing I wanted as soon as I woke up in the morning was a beer. I tried recreational drugs but that was never my thing and they rarely made things better.
Here is the funny thing. At work, no one had any idea that all this was going on. As far as they were concerned, I was still the funny guy who liked to joke around and keep a fun atmosphere at work.
I won’t go into detail about what happened between then and now, I’m not writing a book here! I have come a long way since then. I hardly ever drink, I don’t take drugs, I exercise and try to see the positive in things, (as best I can). I do not suffer as I used to. I have learned to control my own thoughts. With the use of Cognitive Therapy and the study of the Law of Attraction I see things differently now. I understand the “whys” and try to look for the NOW and not the PAST.
I am having a bad day, it happens, but nowhere near as often as it used to. Writing this helps.
Tomorrow is a fresh new day. It will be a better day.