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His death was killing me

Updated on January 10, 2016

Moving on after he passed away

When I was finished with my first divorce I wasn't looking for a replacement. I was extremely happy with my job and raising my son all on my own. Sometimes when we think we have it all God has a way of proving just how far away the perfect life really is. I had no idea when I first saw him he would change me and permanently. I will never forget that day my life changed and I learned what true love really is.

I had a dog and my entire apartment complex was aware of us because he would escape every chance he got and I got my daily excersise chasing him around the apartment complex. One day I was leaving with my son and a man pulls up to me in a black truck, I see a Indian man, broken sunglasses duct taped together and he's asking about my dog. I explain I will be back shortly and that was the start of this amazing true love.

This was in 2003 when I met him and the Internet social media was just starting. His wife had ran off with some man she met online and I was fresh out of my divorce. Talking to each other about our pain, regret and hurt was ok and safe with him. We started as friends but it wasn't long before we were texting hundreds times a day and we're a couple. My first cell phone bill hurt before unlimited texts but it was worth it for him. I ended up upgrading to a picture phone and more texts just to send innocent smiles with each other every day.

He was such a busy man and he never missed a opportunity to spend time with me or talk with me. He was working full time, in school to be a welder and very active in his Navajo culture. With everything he had going I always felt special to him and important. We spent a lot of time this way. He was the only person who understood me and we could talk for hours and not see each other for days. He knew I wanted to slowly introduce him to my child and he respected that. To this very day nobody has loved and adored my the way he did.

When someone dies we seem to idolize them and pretend like they had no faults. I've done this for many years with him and just now realizing he was never perfect. He was jealous, insecure and a recovering alcoholic. He had changed his life in such a positive way that all that didn't seem to matter. He would run almost every day and in perfect physical health. He was my everything and I was his for a few years anyways.

We had a huge fight in the end of October 2005 that I will have to forever remember. The last time I heard his voice we were upset and said horrible things to each other. I yelled in the phone "I'm not sorry" and then I hung up on him. On Christmas I received a text saying "I miss us" and I responded with the same thing. That was it the final and lasy communication we would ever have. I have to live with the horrible things I said the last time I heard his voice forever.

He suffered from the jealousy and depression but I never imagined what was coming next. He had his 30th birthday the 15th of January 2006 and died the 30th of January 2006. I was destroyed with guilt, heartache and the what if's that could've lasted a lifetime. He was my world and it was just a fight. How could I allow all the stupid unspoken games of love destroy that with him and now I can never fix it.

I had a dream we were together and we were laying holding one another on a sofa and I was saying how I wish I could do the simple things with him again like watch a movie or go on a walk. The simple things that we all take for granted everyday and I would do anything to just get one more walk with him. I was destroyed, depressed and was dying inside from guilt.

I have a marriage since he died and that is also ending. I don't know how any man can compete with my dead love. I've made it unfair for any man that would want me and unfair to myself. I live my life wishing and talking to a ghost. My marriage didn't end because of this but I'm sure it didn't help either. In his Navajo culture it's bad to grieve for a person that has passed on they believe it holds the spirit from moving on so I even feel guilty about grieving.

I will always love this man but it's time to move on and let him rest. His 40th birthday will be in a few days on the 15th and his ten year death anniversary will be 15 days later. I've decided to move on and give my life a fair chance at love this will be the last year I celebrate his birthday and cry everyday for him. I have to let go because I'm not really living and will never find a partner if I don't. I will never forget him but it's time to let go. I'm going to look at is as a break up but a break up for the souls for my time on earth.

Can anyone tell me how to do this because I'm trying?


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    • Dive MoMo profile imageAUTHOR


      3 years ago from Wichita, Ks

      Thank you for the feedback! I love your comment

    • denise.w.anderson profile image

      Denise W Anderson 

      3 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

      Wow! It is tough when someone we love is no longer with us. You are right, in that continuing to mourn for him will eat you alive. Letting go means re-establishing your sense of identity without him. You do not have to forget him, however, you can incorporate all of the good that he left with you into your new self. That will allow you to make it a self that is better than you were before you met him. Allow his love to become a part of you, enabling you to love others again.


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