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How Do You Overcome Losing a Child?

Updated on March 16, 2014
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Facing the Indescribable

Losing a child is a horrific experience no parent should ever have to face.

It is one of the most unnatural things that can happen to a parent, particularly a woman. It's something many people fear at one time or another, but probably never expect to actually experience.

Unfortunately, I've been there. I have faced the gut-wrenching pain of losing a child. My son died just two weeks before his 13th birthday. He was my oldest child and would have been 22 now.

You don't ever get over the loss, and parts of you may never accept it, but you always find a ways to cope with it the best you can. I'm not saying it's easy, because it's not. In fact, it may end up being the toughest thing you'll ever endure.

Overcoming the Fear after Losing a Child

For me to begin get over the fear of losing a child and the worry of ever losing another, I had to educate myself. I had to read about other people's experiences. I was compelled to read opinions about life after death, different philosophies, etc. I was reaching, no grasping, for anything, anything at all, that would give me even a sliver of hope. I needed hope that things were going to be ok, hope that I could begin to make some sense of these feelings I was feeling. I had so many questions about why. Why did this have to happen? Why me? Why my son?

I tried to attend local grief support meetings, but I personally did not find them helpful. I do recommend you try it, but don't feel you have to continue if you don't find it helpful. For me, I found it to primarily to be a pity party where everyone was competing to see who had the worst situation. I'm sure it was just this particular group of people and there are probably some wonderful groups that provide lots of support and information for their members. I just found that I didn't want to wallow in self-pity month after month.  I wanted hope.  I wanted to know that Kevin was ok and I'd eventually be ok.  Not perfect, not like we were, but at least ok.

I felt most comfortable searching online and found a wonderful website that helped me tremendously in those early days. The link to this site's message boards is listed below. What I liked about the site is that they have separate sections for people experiencing different types of losses. This allows you to chat with others experiencing a similar loss to you. I'm sure you can appreciate how different it might be to lose a child to cancer versus losing one to an accident to losing one from violence. They all share some core issues, but they each have different emotional needs because of their specific circumstances. Another thing I liked about turning to an online site was that it allowed me that little bit of anonymity allowing me to feel freer to say what I really felt and was able to sit and cry as I read other people's stories. It made me appreciate the 'good' in my own situation as I saw how bad others had it. Those little things meant a lot.


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The Seven Stages of Grief

First, it's important to understand that grieving is a process and that process takes time. Every person travels through this process at a different rate. Do not ever try to compare yourself to anyone else to determine how well you're doing. If you're progressing, even slowly, then you're doing just fine. Stay focused on your own recovery.

1. Shock & Denial - At first, losing someone seems unreal. You can't believe it's happened. You play and re-play all of the events that lead up to finding out over and over in your head. You will analyze every word said, every action performed, every detail no matter how small will be examined. You are looking for anything that will make sense. In those early moments, nothing will make sense and you begin to deny it happened and try to convince yourself it was just a dream. You will insist that this can't be happening to you. Not today, not now, you're not ready. You will tell yourself that you cannot handle this.

2.Pain & Guilt - Next the pain sets in. Your stomach hurts or it can feel hollow and numb. You ache inside and nothing soothes it. You begin to blame yourself for their loss. You wonder what you could have done, even should have done, to have prevented it. Without thinking about it, you try accept responsibility and insist that you somehow let them down and if you had just done one thing differently, they'd still be here. You'll shed a lot of tears at this stage.

3. Anger & Bargaining - At this stage, you become angry and indignant. You insist on having answers. You want someone to explain it, you want someone to fix it. You want someone to take responsibility because it just isn't fair. You are willing to make deals with God, the devil, or anyone else if it will just bring them back. And you want it now.

4.Depression & Loneliness - The realization of what's happened begins to set in. You are beginning to accept that they're not coming back. You begin to think about life without them. You experience depression and a gloomy sadness weaves it's way into your everyday routine. You reflect back on how things used to be and try to reconcile it to how things are going to be now without them.

5.Making a Turn - At this stage, you've figured out that life is going on around you whether or not you're fully participating in it. You begin to think about trying to feel better, but you almost feeling guilty for doing it. You start thinking about what the deceased person would have wanted. Would they want you to still be depressed, or would they expect you to carry on?

6. Rebuilding and Working Through It - At this point, you've decided it's time to move on with your life. You begin to create ways to find moments of happiness that still honor their memory. There is a certain respect that you have for the one who has died. You begin to see your work at getting better as something they would be proud of and you feel good about doing it.

7. Acceptance & Hope - At this stage, you have accepted their death and you realize that blaming anyone (including yourself) doesn't bring them back. You realize that life does go on and you will be ok. You have hope for your future, even though your future no longer includes them. You honor their memory with loving thoughts of them. You are proud of yourself for being a survivor. You still miss them, you still wish they were here, but you understand that things will have to be ok like they are.

Sometimes, you'll go through several of the stages all in the one day.  Sometimes it may take months to get through one stage.  The important thing to understand is that the healing takes time.  Give it as much time as you need.  Don't get upset with yourself for feeling what you feel.  Others may or may not understand what you're feeling.  Some may tell you that you're being silly, or ridiculous, or irrational.  Don't listen to them.  Honor each feeling you have.  Only someone in your shoes can appreciate what you're going through. 

In a Nutshell

In a nutshell, to begin to cope with the fear of losing a child is to seek more information. Find someone to talk to, in person, or online. Whatever makes you the most comfortable is the best option for you.

Discuss your feelings in whatever environment allows you to express them best. There are no right or wrong feelings, but all of your various emotions deserve proper recognition as you begin to cope with them.

Lastly, time really does heal all wounds and fears. They all subside if you allow them.  I'm not saying you'll ever forget, because I promise you won't.  But, as time goes on you'll learn to cope with things better.  The tears no longer flow as quickly or last as long.  The beautiful memories of your child become more and more precious.

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    • KCC Big Country profile image
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      KCC Big Country 2 months ago from Central Texas

      Mel, with every fiber of my being I am convinced that not one single person leaves this world a second before THEY are ready. We hear about miraculous recoveries and people narrowly missing being killed all the time. It wasn't time for them. It hasn't been YOUR time yet either. I don't believe there is anything we can do to hurry that time along either. Sounds like you've spent 28 yrs feeling guilty and that really saddens me. I don't know your specific circumstances, but you didn't fail your son and you're not a loser.

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      Mel Mahle 2 months ago

      My son was Michael Mahle and I have to say that he had a father that was a looser. It has been 28 years since he has been gone and If Michael had a good father he would be here now. I don't need any letters of me not saying this, but after 28 years I know for sure that is a fact. I have tried to off myself several times but always failed. Even had a serious heart attack three years ago and major cancer 12 years ago. People that are good and deserve a second chance don't always get it...go figure. I would be more serious about offing myself but I have two daughters and that would hurt them. Caught between a rock and a hard place. At 74 I don't have much longer to go. Fathers you hopefully are not hating or blaming yourself because you know you have done a good job with raising your kids. I failed.!!!

    • KCC Big Country profile image
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      KCC Big Country 3 years ago from Central Texas

      Hi Marcia.....I'm very sorry that I made you feel abandoned by suggesting another site. I was simply sharing a site that helped me so much when I was struggling. Like you said, it didn't help me to speak to people who had lost a friend or parent. I needed someone that had a similar loss as mine. It had to be a child. It had to be someone near my son's age. Otherwise they didn't share enough of the same emotions. Marcia, you're not losing it. It's normal. Grief takes time and that time is different for all of us. Have you thought about starting a webpage or even a local group in your community where people can gather to discuss their feelings about grief? Basically, your own grief support group. It might be an idea.

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      Marcia 3 years ago

      Dear KCC Big Country

      It has been a while since I last confided my feelings on this site. I guess I felt abandoned when you suggested I visit another site. Expressing my feelings here helps to soothe the constant pain I still feel when my son Matthew comes to mind. Really thoughts of Matt and what he would have been doing if he were still alive pass through my mind still. This year will be five years since Matt died of a fatal asthma attack at age 26. I still miss my son and it really does not get any easier to accept that he is not here. Tried counselling, read books on grieving and, spoke with people who lost loved ones all that but losing a child is different from losing a parent or spouse, because those people did not give birth to them and know them from the first day of their lives. keep a small photo book in my handbag all the time and I try to recall episodes in our life so that I will always remember times. Even started a diary of sorts. I so look forward with hope and faith that one day I will see him again. I try to be involved in many activities but he is right there in my mind all the time. It's like I multi-task even when paying attention to something else. Is this normal or am I losing it as the saying goes?

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      sheila 3 years ago

      I need answers and don't know where to find them. I lost my son june 2008 at age 22. Death was ruled sucide. have very good reason not to believe this. all I want is find someone who can help me find out the truth. please,I need to let him rest in peace. can you help me?

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      David Wright 4 years ago

      My son Alex died instantly in a car crash two years ago. Alex was eighteen. Something occurred to me this fathers'day. My prayer life has been for the most part regular for many years. All those years, and almost without fail, I asked God to spare me the loss of a child. We know the answer to that prayer. It was no. There was a purpose for the early taking of my son and I may never know what it was. But I do know that it involved a purpose for God that was more important than my selfish prayer for being spared the loss of a child. I don't ask that anymore even though I still have a daughter here. I have learned that my trust in God must be total and complete and that is so hard to learn. It doesn't keep it from hurting. It does reinforce hope to a certainty and a longing much as Paul had. Even Jesus asked that he be spared crucifixion if it be the will of the Father. We know that answer too. It was no. And because of that we have access to life everlasting for the believing. Think on that.

      I will not get over the loss of my son here but I will see him again. An everlasting life together will give us mending. And it does hurt more than anything I have ever faced. I know that many will scoff at this faith. For me, hope has been replaced with certainty. I don't care what others think. I believed all this before too.

    • KCC Big Country profile image
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      KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas

      Huntersmom, thank you so much. I am very sorry for your loss as well. I can only imagine how you must have felt when his graduation date rolled around. My son died when he was almost 13 and I still had a tough time when his high school class graduated. Our children should have been there. We should have been there to see them. My daughter did attend the graduation because of other people she wanted to see. I just couldn't do it. Those iconic benchmarks in life will always created challenges for those of us who have lost a child. It's during those times that we not only mourn the loss of them, but the loss of a special event we could have all enjoyed together that we now have to miss out on. They are basically stolen memories. Stay strong. It's sounds like you're doing well for it being such a recent loss. Thanks for sharing your story.

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      Huntersmom49 4 years ago

      KCC i want you to know how very sorry i am for your loss but I also want to thank you for your post. My 18 year old son was killed in a car accident on Jan 15th of this year. I thought i was doing ok, well as good as could be expected. Until this past week as he was suppose to have graduated HS on June 5th. I feel like I've taken several steps backwards. Hunter is (was) our oldest and only son. I also have a daughter a few years younger. Your story seems so similar to mine and i know i found your story today for a reason and i just want to thank you for sharing. God bless you and your family!

    • KCC Big Country profile image
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      KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas

      Marcia, do you have anyone at all that you can confide in? Have you tried a grief support group? What about beyondindigo.com? That site has a message board for all types of losses. It really helped me to talk to someone who had gone through the same thing I had.

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      Marcia 4 years ago

      It has been a while since I wrote about how I feel after the loss of my son Matthew. The pain of losing Matt is as intense as it ever was. There is no relief as I continue to tire myself out everyday so I can fall asleep at night. Tears come to my eyes anytime anywhere still. It will be 4 years this December. Matthew's 30th birthday would have been on June 15th next month. What do I do then? I still hear his voice and see his face when I close my eyes. I miss my son so much. How do I react to the so-called close friends who were not there for me, but have suddenly started making contact again? Do they think they gave me enough time in their way of thinking to 'get over it' and expect me to be the way I was before 2009? I have a problem trusting people now. Please let me know what you think about it all.

    • KCC Big Country profile image
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      KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas

      Christine, I'm so sorry about the loss of Jamie, and your brother. You have witnessed this loss from two different angles. I agree with your final comment "so unfair". That really sums it up, doesn't it? It is the most accurate description of what we feel and live with. It's just flat unfair. Nothing we can say, do, or rationalize will ever make it ok or fair. It just is what it is and we have to accept it and live with it regardless of how painful it is. Based on what you've shared, I think you are very well-equipped to help your daughter through this. You both will be stronger women. I know my daughter and I are now. Take care.

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      Christine 4 years ago

      Our 13 year old son was on Spring Break in Hutchinson Island, Fl with his best friends family. On April 3, 2013, he and his friend were crossing the street from the hotel to get snacks at a convenience store and was hit and killed by a driver. The past weeks have been heart-wrenching. I have always been an optimistic, the glass is half full kind of person but I wonder if that piece of me is gone. I miss Jamie so much. He had a world of experiences in front of him and now they are gone; just like that. I saw my parents go thru this same pain when my 8 yr old brother drowned on a family camping trip in The Catskills. Two generations of tragic deaths. Luckily, as you mentioned above, I too have a younger daughter (11 yrs) who is also having a difficult time dealing with the death of her brother. Having been thru it myself, I feel better prepared to help her. So unfair...

    • KCC Big Country profile image
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      KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas

      Augusta, I agree that unless you've lost a child it would be really difficult to fully understand our pain. I found it frustrating to hear friends try to relate. I can also understand your statement about how 7 yrs later you could dwell on it and put yourself right back on your knees. That's the key, I think. You simply can't allow yourself to dwell on the enormous loss because our brains will never get wrapped around that acceptance. It will always be, no matter what, something we can't find the fairness in. Hang in there.

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      Augusta 4 years ago

      Not many people want to be around you after you lose a child. Maybe the funeral and such, but after that, you better have some emotional reserve, because people just don't want to hear it. That's okay. Because I could never make anybody understand how bad it hurts. People will say the dumbest things. I found little to no comfort from other people. Looking to the Lord and trying to piece together good memories are the only things that helped me. Seven years later, I can still fall to my knees in pain if I let myself dwell on all that was lost and the life my boy will not get to live. Anybody who thinks they can tell you how to handle it should just sit down and shut up. I just love those folks who stayed away, never showed any compassion, and they see you later, and it's like where were you in my hour of need? You find out who your friends are.

    • KCC Big Country profile image
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      KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas

      Kathleen, I'm so sorry about the loss of Emily. You have given some great advice and insight based on your experience that many will benefit from. Thank you for sharing it! You are getting stronger every day whether you realize it or not. Hang in there!

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      Kathleen 4 years ago

      We lost our beautiful daughter, Emily, 17 months ago this week. She had recurent idiopathic pancreatitis and developed complications. She was 25 and lived at home still because of her illness. She was hospitalized many times the last 2 years , had 4 surgeries, was in daily pain, suffered horrific excruiating episodes of pain on top of that, and fought with such tremendous courage and strength. I was with her every minute of the day. I am absolutely lost as to what to do without her. We have a daughter 2 1/2 years younger still at home thankfully, but we all grieve on different "pages"-- I may have a better day than my husband, but his sorrow brings me right back to my own, and vice versa. We try to help each other. Life advice: don't surround yourself with weak people; they expect a lot from you during thier bad times but cannot/ will not help you when it's your turn and STILL expect you to be there for them. We have found out who our true friends are, and Emily's as well. It's very sobering to find out how people treat you in the darkest of times. The selfishness can be astounding, but the genuine concern can be humbling. Thank God for those in the latter category. Emily is never out of my thoughts. I visit her every day,and I read to her when I'm there. She has always liked Southern literature especially. I am on my 29th book. We also keep a notebook where any one of us can write about dreams we've had of Emily, things that make us feel she's nearby like smelling her perfume out of the blue, etc. Our friends and family tell us things too , and they get recorded as well. Things like that are a big help because we can look at it anytime and see things we may have forgotten over the months. We cry a lot and miss her terribly. I have to remind myself "Your thoughts are not my thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, saith the Lord." Sometimes it helps; sometimes it means nothing. I try to be strong since Emily had to be strong, but at times I wish one of those asteroids would hit my house so it would all be over and we could all be together again.

    • KCC Big Country profile image
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      KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas

      Paulk64, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Like the rest of us, you will cherish that time with Jennifer forever. Hang in there. Just take it a moment at a time.

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      paulk64 4 years ago

      It's only been 3 weeks since my daughter Jennifer took her own life. She was a beautiful happy girl until the last month of her life. It breaks my heart to know how sad she was and how it ended. Life is so miserable right now. But she gave me 22 years of pure happiness. My heart goes out to all of you.

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      Karen 4 years ago

      I lost my only one child three years ago, he was in university grade 2, 20 years old. I go to church for help. sometime I feel I can not live without him. live total change.

    • KCC Big Country profile image
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      KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas

      Deethompson: I can't imagine all of this times three, but what a way to turn it around and create something positive out of it!

    • KCC Big Country profile image
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      KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas

      I'm sorry for the loss of your son, Peggyelaine. I hope you are doing ok.

    • KCC Big Country profile image
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      KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas

      Eeblick: I'm sorry about the loss of your son, Andre. I think each of finds the path to coping/accepting/healing/whatever we wish to call it in our own way and each of us assigns different meanings to what those words mean. Hang in there, after two years it sounds like you're doing well.

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      eeblick 4 years ago

      It will be two years April 16, that my son Andre passed away.

      In reading the above remarks, I agree with most of them. But,

      when I hear the cliche word "healing" used, it aggravates me.

      In a grief counseling group I attended, someone compared the loss of my son to a scab that heals over.

      Healing in it's miraculous form took place in the Bible when Jesus actually healed sick, deaf, blind people. Healing to me is a 100% return to normal. So, call it samantics or call it true. Until my son comes walking in the door and I wake up out of this dream, healing is not part of my life. Furthermore, any trigger whatsoever dispells the myth of healing.

      Can I say there is acceptance over a loss I have no control over? Yes. That is what I am working with today.

      I agree with most of what has been said here. My loss happened in such a sudden and dramatic way, I never got to hold my son or tell him I love him. I live with the trauma of Andre's accident every day and question why I am thinking about it every day. I just can't help it. Many well meaning people have suggested taking Paxil or something else, but I refuse to. I drank for over 1 year and one half, but did not help the situation.

      Thanks for listening.

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      deethompson 4 years ago

      I know exactly what you are saying as I have lived this horrific thing 3 times. My daughter was 2 hours old, another daughter was 15 months old and my son died just before he was born. No, you never get over it and you never forget but you do learn to exist. I actually started a business a year ago as a result of my losses. I always left my children notes on their graves and when I went back to their graves the ink had run and they were all messed up. For years I would tell my husband "someone really needs to do something about this". In May 2011 my husband of 47 years died and half my soul left with him. That was it ---I would do something and I did. My company is "See Ya Tomorrow" Greetings. You can visit my site at www.seeyatomorrow.biz I think you will be pleasantly surprised. We have original poems that are laminated and fit in our holder. We have 2 holders that can be placed in a cemetery or inside. We have cards for 17 different occasions including missing you, from beyond, birthday etc. We even have charms that fit on our patented holder to tell about your child. I know what it is like to walk away from 3 tiny little graves and it is heart breaking. But when I leave my message I can smile as I walk away. If I can giove a broken hearted mom or dad just a little comfort I will count it a blessing.

    • KCC Big Country profile image
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      KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas

      I'm so sorry for your loss, Peggyelaine. I'll be thinking of you on Monday. I remember the shock and pain very well. My best advice is to take it one moment at a time. Give yourself lots of love and time to heal.

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      peggyelaine 4 years ago

      I just lost my 16 year old son-will bury him on monday. It was shock at first and then pain.

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      yvette7 4 years ago

      @yolanda...I cry with you. I know how much pain you are feeling. My daughter was 19 when she passed and she was also a special needs child. You could not tell that she was a little slow but the doctors said that is what could have led to her death. She was unable to communicate to me the amount of pain she was in from her appendix. They even found that she may not have felt any pain at all. She passed away on September 24 last year. She was perfect, I miss her every second that goes by. She also loved to watch the NBA games and her favorite team was the SPURS. She was a light in this dark world. I believe that your daughter is now safely in the presence of God where they will be forever. Praying for you, may we be given the strength and endurance to live each day as they would want us to.

    • KCC Big Country profile image
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      KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas

      I'm so sorry you lost your son, Mary....and right before Christmas. Have you thought about grief counseling, or talking to someone who has been in a simliar situation? Each loss brings unique circumstances and your situation brings challenges to overcome that others (like me) do not have to deal with. For instance, another person's actions did not cause my son's death, so I don't have to deal with the forgiveness aspect or the resentment of feeling that someone stole something special from you.

      When you say that you want yourself back, YOU have to do that. Don't allow that 19 yr old to steal that away from you too. You still have control over that. Reclaim your life. Pick up the pieces and smile again. I'm not saying things can go back to normal because of course they can't. We are forever changed. But, you can become a new version of Mary that remembers the love for her son and smiles in spite of the pain. I am a firm believer that we were never intended to mourn death, but to celebrate life. Although we are saddened when we lose someone, we can't dwell on the sadness for long before we need to heal and rejoice in the time we did have with them.

      Take care of yourself. Look for things to make you smile in rememberance of your son. You will begin to heal. If you are struggling, then seek outside help.

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      Mary 4 years ago

      We lost our son 4 days before Christmas. He had a 2 year old daughter. She wants her daddy. A 19 year old street racer lost control went thru the median and killed our son. He just turned 31 years old 5 days earlier. I'll never forget the police coming to our door at 3 am. Oh Dear God no. It will be 5 years in 2 days. It doesn't get easier. I am so sad. So resentful. We lost our son, our 36 year business my husband couldn't do it anymore sine our son also worked there. We lost our home. It was/is challenging to keep it going Thank God for our other son or we wouldn't be here. We have to be here for him. I want me to be back. I miss the person I use to be. Friends wanted to be like me. I celebrated life everyday. I need hope. I need it badly.

    • KCC Big Country profile image
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      KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas

      Hi Marcia.....I'm so sorry for your loss. Each person handles their grief in the best way they know how. It might be that your husband finds it easier to handle his grief while in the company of friends. It doesn't mean he doesn't hurt or care as deeply as you. He's just handling it differently, and that's ok. Just as you see your children handling it differently. One child rarely speaks about him, while the other talks about him all of the time. One finds comfort in talking, the other in keeping it inside. Both are ok as long as they are progressing in their healing.

      Now, for you.......my suggestion is to be yourself at Christmas gatherings. Look for things to make you smile. It might be the joy in watching children being excited about Santa, it might be how beautiful the lights look on the tree. Anything small that lets that little bit of joy inside. Perhaps it's a memory of your son, Matthew and one of his past Christmases. I know these memories are bittersweet because he won't be here this year to make more, but all we have left are those past memories. I find comfort in hanging onto them. I don't think friends and family expect us to act like nothing happened. They do understand. I also believe that our loved ones would not want us to be miserable either though. They would feel like they ruined our holidays. I know my deceased son would want me to laugh and have fun. There is no doubt in my mind. He would be upset with me if he thought I let his death affect his sister's Christmas. (My son died just 2 months before Christmas the year he died).

      The only other thing I can add is to just be kind to yourself. Pamper yourself any way you can. Merry Christmas, Marcia. May you find some peace and healing in the days ahead.

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      Marcia 4 years ago

      It's Christmas time and this is so painful for me. I've always enjoyed this time of year, but Matthew died on the 13th December and after that date its impossible for me to feel any enjoyment for the season. I guess I just pretend to have a good time when in company so the occasions won't be spoiled for other people! Missing Matthew every single day is a way of life for me now. His father goes out with his friends and appears to have a genuinely good time and sometimes I just can't understand how he can be like that. Matts older brother hardly talks about him but my daughter talks about Matts all the time and even my granddaughter can recognise and say his name when we show her his pictures. When she says 'Uncle Matthew' it just breaks my heart to know she never got the chance to really know him as she was just one year old when he died. I'm just so sad all the time. Please help me!

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      KCC Big Country 4 years ago from Central Texas

      Skcoolmum, I'm so sorry for your loss, but I hope you realize that you did all you could. I firmly believe there is nothing we can do to "save" our children if it's really their time to go. Please be gentle with yourself. Her death is not your fault.

      Yolanda, I'm so sorry you lost your daughter Michelle. I know you really miss her, but I hope that you take comfort in knowing she is still with you, watching over you and protecting you. Just like my advice above, you didn't let Michelle down. You do everything you were supposed to. Be easy on yourself.

      Take care all.

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      Yolanda 4 years ago

      My daughter Michelle died Sept.11,2012 in her sleep, I found her upstairs, the dogs was barking I called her name out, Michelle,Michelle are you going to take the dogs out, she didn't answer I ran upstairs enter her room saw her laying down like she sleeping. Michelle get up, please Michelle I knew she was gone. I put her on the rug to give CPR, Michelle baby please get up,Michelle please mommy needs you, MICHELLE!!!!!!I called 911. I couldn't believe it she was great I talk to her around 12:30am she said she recored The Voice and that she clean up, I said great thank you, love you. She was looking forward for her birthday and coming to work with me. Michelle Birthday was Sept.24. she wouldv'e been 31yrs. You seem Michelle was an angel from God, she was a little slow but you wouldn't notice, she was so smart and full of life. She loved me so much always take care of me. She loved her NBA team Spurs and her animals. Michelle choose me to be her parent for 30years, and was her time to go back to God. I miss her so much it hurts.. I miss her smile, mommy what are we doing today.I want my Michelle, why!!! I hear her voice mommy don't cry I'm okay I will always be with you and protect you, you were a great mom, I love you mommy!!! Oh Michelle I love you,I love you! It hurts so much!!! Why God!!! Michelle trusted me.. Why didn't God direct me to her to helpMichelle, she died in her sleep peacefully..

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Peter, I'm so sorry that you lost your son, Jake. You're right, things are still very raw right now and will be for awhile. You're also right that nothing changes what happened and nothing brings him back. That is true for all of us. We would all do anything to reverse what happened have a second chance to see our loved ones again even if it were for just one moment. The passage of time will allow you to accept what has happened and find peace with it. You will begin to cherish the time you had rather than be hurt/disappointed/bitter over the time we lost out on.

      Take care.

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      Peter 5 years ago

      Hi, my son Jake (17) died on the 20th August whilst on holiday in Spain. It took time to get him home. I have so many of the emotions you talk about, but nothing changes the fact that I will never see his lovely smile and thoughtful ways...life will get easier, but everything seems so raw at the moment.

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      yvette7 5 years ago

      I understand completely the feeling you are describing. My daughter was also connected to life support for a little over three months. I was constantly pressured to pull the plug on a daily basis by the doctors and chaplains. Well I stood my ground and never did, my daughter passed away anyway. I question myself for keeping her on life support. What if I would have pulled the plug, maybe it would have helped her to wake up and begin breathing on her own. As a mother we will always question our actions and feel guilty for what we did or did not do. I also became distant from my family and friends, and that's ok. No one understands your pain unless they have gone through it. Don't feel like you have to ask permission to cry or talk about your baby. I had some visitors drop by last week and I was hesitant to let them in. Upon seeing my daughters urn and all of her pictures they quickly looked away. Every time I try to talk about my daughter they change the subject. Perhaps it hurts them to remember but it shouldn't be that way. The only thing I can assure you of is that your baby is safe and well taken care of in the arms of God.

      Praying for you.

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      Beau'sMomma 5 years ago

      I had my son May 2 2012 he was with us for almost 2 day, I had him at just about 6 months and we had to make a rough choice and pull the plug due to him having blood in his brain at a stage 4. I play the what if games all the time, and wonder if we would have waited a few days if just maybe it would of went away. I have heard so many stories of babies having blood on the brain and it getting better or completly going away. It is still very fresh on my mind and i have become distance from my family and friends, kind of building a wall up. I am not the same person i use to be, will this get better?Is there anything i should do to maybe heal my heart. I have never experianced this before and dont know anybody else who has.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      I just discovered I have comments here that have gone unnoticed. Just shows how busy my life has become. I do apologize.

      Nessia, I am so sorry you lost your son. I understand what you're saying about wishing you had been there. I have felt that way sometimes. I try to comfort myself by chosing to believe that maybe it was better this way because I think the pain could have been worse if I had been there and felt helpless to do anything. As you've passed the one year anniversary I hope you're finding peace.

      Marcia, I hope things went well for the birthday anniversary and you were able to "celebrate" Matts life in a way that brought you a bit of happiness.

      Marsha Lowe, I'm so sorry that you lost your son, Casey. He sounds like a son any mother could be proud of! Having all of the foreign legalities and enormous costs certainly adds a layer of difficulty most of us haven't had to deal with. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there!

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      marsha lowe 5 years ago

      My son Casey Lowe died in Japan April 14, 2012. Casey was hit from behind by a 3 ton truck while on his bike. He was in his 2nd year of teaching English Communication for interact Japan and he also spent one year of collage there in Japan too. Casey was only 22 years old. It was strange how just 2 months earlier Casey was working hard to get me to visit Japan to understand his love for this country. Anyway, out of the blue like I bought my tickets and spent the best two weeks of my life with him. After returning home 4 days latter, April 10 we received a call from the state department that our Casey was dead. My heart just broke and I fell to my knees. It has been hell for me and my family. We had to come up with $20,000 cash to bring Casey home. This took 2 weeks. We put Casey to rest just 2 weeks after his death. Now we are dealing with getting our Casey justice. Just getting the police report can take several months. yes, I said months. There is no money to help you with the cost of his death until the layers are done. This has been a $50,000 ordeal so far. Yes Casey is worth every penny but we didn't have the money. So we are working with a bank right now. We are in so much pain all the way around. We are nearly every day dealing with Casey's case over therein Japan by emails and phone. Every day is like the movie Ground Hogs Day. I cry most of the time it seem. It doesn't take much to set me off in tears. I know it would help if the law in Japan could go faster. But it is dragging and Casey just cannot leave my mind for not too long. How do you go on with the mess we must deal with? Casey was so loved by anybody who met him it seemed. I couldn't believe all the people who seemed to care about him in Japan. He so loved teaching the children in Japan. I was so very proud of my Casey.

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      Marcia 5 years ago

      How NESSIA feels is exactly how I feel every minute of every day, regardless of what I say or do otherwise. Its a parallel feeling of sorts that is there with me always even if I laugh or smile or appear to be having some fun.Matthew's birthday is June 15th. I'll try to get my family to do something special to celebrate Matts life as KC suggests.Once again thank to all you cyberfriends who share my pain and help to give me courage to get through the day.May God bless all of you.

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      NESSIA 5 years ago

      HI JUNE 14, 2012 WILL MAKE A YEAR I LOST MY SON. HE WAS 16 WHEN HE DIED. HE HAD A HEART ATTACK WHILE PLAYING BASKETBALL WITH HIS DAD AND BROTHERS. WHAT HURT ME THE MOST IS THAT I WASNT THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED. I WASNT ABLE TO HOLD AND COMFORT HIM. I WOULD OF WANTED HIM TO AT LEAST SEE MY FACE BEFORE HE CLOSED HIS EYES. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. HE WOULD OF BEEN GRADUATING IN A FEW DAYS FROM HIGH SCHOOL. GOD HELP ME

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Marcia, Happy Mother's Day to you and all of the other mothers!

      Watching videos is a great way to reconnect with our lost children. It's something I haven't done in a while. It is deeply touching to hear their voices again and to see they movements, etc.

      Regarding the strength to get through Matthew's upcoming birthday.....my advice would be to spend that day reflecting on previous birthday memories with him and just honor the life he had. Choose to make it a day to celebrate the life that was, rather than the life now gone. Will you cry, most assuredly. We'd worry about each other if we didn't. It's natural. It's to be expected. But, allow yourself to smile too. Laugh a little. Remember the wonderful nuances that made him Matthew.

      Take care.

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      Marcia 5 years ago

      Today is Mother's Day. It is nice to be with my other children, yet always in my mind is the thought that one is missing. One will always be missing from now on. I just needed to see Matthew today, so I played a DVD of a concert in which he performed. Everytime the camera was on him I started to cry. Then the thought came to my mind that the video was Matthew's gift to me. He bought it home for me so long ago and was never really keen to view it himself yet he was quite amazed at how happy It made me 'cause i watched it so many times and showed all his Aunts when he was alive. I found myself saying "Thank You, Matthew for this wonderful gift." I believe this is the first time I've watched this video since the few days after Matthew died in 2009. At that time I guess I was so afraid that I would forget his face or his voice that I tried to capture every picture of him in my memory. But you know something All I have to do is close my eyes and can can see him and hear his voice as he was the last time I saw him alive. My next milestone will be to play the song we both enjoyed singing together which I could not bear to do since he died. I hope others mothers were able to find some peace today. Thank You KCC for this forum for us to share our feelings. I guess I had some strenght today but I know it's going to get more difficault as Matthew's Birthday caomes along next month in June. Maybe you can give me some ways of how to get through yet another birthday. He would have benn 29 years old this year.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      So sorry to take so long to respond to the posts here. I’ve been extremely busy.

      Coolwash….I’m so very sorry you lost your daughter Alyssa. I have visited your website and she was beautiful. I know you miss her greatly!

      Marcia…..what you’re going through is very normal. When my son died I questioned everything. And, like you, I had more questions than answers. Over time, things smooth out. You find your groove and get back into it. My advice is to do the things that feel best to you in the moment. If it feels better to be alone, be alone. If it feels better to be around people, by all means, go out and be with people. There are no rules to this. You have to do what helps you the most. Don’t worry about what others think or how others think you should act or feel. Be yourself. You are the only one who knows what is right for you.

      Gloria……you are definitely not alone. I’m so sorry you lost your daughter Mia. I think most people never think about the parents of deceased children until they become one themselves or until affects someone very close to them. It’s just one of those things that we assume (and hope!) never ever happens to us. Those horrible things happen to other people. I’m so sorry you lost your 2 yr old daughter Mia. I was sent home from the hospital with nothing but my son’s tennis shoes. That was tough. So understand how you must feel. I think having a 3 yr old will help you. Concentrate your love and attention on her. Give it time. You have lost so much (daughter, car, fiancé, etc). But, I always feel that things happen for a reason. You will laugh again. You will always miss Mia, but you will adapt and begin to enjoy life again.

      MOC (Mom of Chris)……I’m so sorry you lost your son. You should take comfort in knowing you did all you could to help him. I firmly believe you couldn’t have saved him anymore than any of the rest of us could have saved our children from dying when they did. I truly believe we only die when it’s our time. Seeing a psychologist, particularly one who knew your son, should be very helpful to your recovery. Just be easy on yourself. The pain of the loss will not be quite so sharp over time.

      Jessica Miller…..I’m so sorry you lost your infant daughter. How cool that you’re expecting on the same day she was due. I know you’re feeling a mixture of emotions. That is very normal. Enjoy every minute of your pregnancy. Shower him with love once he arrives and know that your little girl is looking over you both. ?

      Alejandro Sandoval……Hope is an excellent foundation. With hope you can get through anything.

      Good luck to you all. Again, I’m so sorry it took a while to respond to some of you. I do care about you and hope your pain is easing some.

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      alejandra sandoval 5 years ago

      you have given me hope...there are many angels in heaven right now looking after their gorgeous parents

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      Jessica Miller 5 years ago

      I feel your pain, we lost our little girl to SIDS in October 2011. She was only 8 weeks old. It is so hard but we are having a little boy this time and he is due the same day his sister was due in August. I am so happy and sad and scared at the same time. I am excited for this new baby, but I cannot help but think about Alyssa every day and how good of a big sister she would have been. I am also scared to death that it will happen again. I try not to worry too much but it is so hard.

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      MOC (Mom of Chris) 5 years ago

      I lost my son on 12/14/11. He had been diagnosed with bone cancer in 1997 and there started the pain meds. After several surgeries and cancer free he still battles addiction from the meds. On 9/19/11 he put himself in a rehab and was 78 days clean before my husband and I found him in his small pool house he rented. We had not heard from him for one week and decided to do a welfare check on him. We did not think much of it b/c he was in his program and had a support system. Needless to say the coroner pronounced him deceased at 2:22 p.m. on that Wednesday, December 14, 2011. He had been deceased about 6 days when we found him. All that runs through my head are the "what ifs". It is just devestating b/c he was my constant worry for over 14 years and I his caretaker. The coroner's report said he died from an overdose. It was accidental. Just getting through each day is tough. My husband and I do see a phycologist every two weeks and that is helpful since she knew my son and us as a family. I do have a daughter and she had a 16 year old son and a 12 year old daughter. My heart is just torn in to pieces with out him. Thank you and your readers for any advice. Sincerely, MOC

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      Gloria 5 years ago

      I just also wanted to add that it is devastating to know that life is beautiful sometimes and so unfair all together. I continuously replay the day she passed over and over..... I can't stop opening the box they gave me at the hospital with the last pajamas and diaper she had on...I cry in the darkness, I feel as if I bother my friends sometimes when I speak about this. My family has completely broken apart. Completely. I lost my 2010 brand new car and my fiance, I now live in an tiny efficiency with my 3 yr old daughter and my father. Devastation and broken hearts...There are no longer drives on the weekends with my girls or pretty songs to be sung .....I'm 24 and there was no way in this lifetime I was prepared for this. Laughter was part of my life, the joy to be around everyone..... I feel as if a part of me, my own soul has crumbled... My goodness GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND I FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE FOUND THIS PAGE AND TO FIND ALL OF YOU BEAUTIFUL MOTHERS,DAUGHTERS, SISTERS, AUNTS, NIECES, BEST FRIENDS AND ALL ! We all have an special friendship. Always.

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      Gloria 5 years ago

      These stories....my God.....I thought I was alone until now. It has been two months since my 2yr old daughters death. We found her in her crib blue, lifeless.....I am crying so much as I write this....I miss her so much..... Your article hits my heart. I would like to speak to all of you because I am in so much pain....... I miss my daughter...My baby... She went through so much for her first 6months of life. She had Hydrocephalus and HPE, It was nightmarish.... Then she was doing amazing now, she did things doctors were amazed by.....things they said she would never do, she even gave me kisses!! ....so amazing..... I'm in loss right now...I do not sleep at night. I can't stand to know that if I fall asleep, I might dream of her and it scares me when I awake... I've had dreams of me walking into her room and finding her and saving her from death..... nightmare nightmare..... I have an 3 yr old daughter that no longer has an baby sister.......I am an mother of one child now... Her name was Amelia Bethany. Mia was her nickname for everyone.. and her favorite song in the entire world was Hey Soul Sister by Train. I cringe when I hear that song...What to do now? She was my life. My Mia...... :'(

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      Marcia 5 years ago

      Dear KCC

      How do you know if you are in a state of depression after losing a child? Sometimes I keep away from people and sometimes I have trouble sleeping and so on. However I don't feel hopeless or helpless. It's just that i don't want to bother anyone or force them to talk to me or so because I know I'll say something about Matthew. I think i'll always be sad and yet i do laugh at times even though the sadness never really leaves.I can't multitask at work as I used to, so I'm thinking of retiring. Matts always told me about people he knew who changed careers late in life and were quite successful at their different job. He was so encouraging to me. My problem right now is thinking about how he had his plans and dreams for his career but did not live to enjoy the fruits of his labour. I do believe he was optimistic and in a happy state of mind around the time before he died. Now at this late stage of my life I have more questions than answers. Am I just overthinking everything?

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      coolwash 5 years ago

      We lost our baby in her sleep a few months ago. if anyone would like to read more about it, her memorial website is http://www.alyssa.1x.net. Also, Alyssa's Angel Fund for Baby Maddy - http://www.gofundme.com/h2h6k - Please post it everywhere and like it in FB. Thank you. Hopefully our story will help others.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      You're welcome, Reschel.

      Aisyah, I'm so sorry you lost Sarah Jasmin. I'm very glad you were able to receive some comfort from reading what others have gone through. You're right, you will never forget. Take care of yourself.

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      Aisyah 5 years ago

      im a vietnamese girl,im 24 years old and im so painful. i had lost my daugter when i pregnant her at 37 weeks.and i gavebirth her at 15-11-2011. to see her no crying when she was born my heart was broken. she got problem with her umbilicallcord,today i found this sied and i want to say thanks to you alot. i felt alot better when i read this websied. i know i will never forget this,i try to get over it. her name is sarah jasmin,i will remember her til the last day of my life.

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      reschel ramos 5 years ago

      kcc thank you for encouraging me...more power to you..god bless you.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Reschel, I know you miss your daughter and there is a void there that leaves you feeling incomplete. We all totally understand that feeling. I'm pretty sure there is nothing that will ever fill that void. What you will learn (with time)is how to survive while still having this void. That's what we've all had to do. We've had to learn (one minute at a time) how to pick our broken selves back up and carry on even though we're dying inside. It isn't easy and it takes some of us longer than others. Only you can decided how slow or fast to go. I promise that blaming someone won't make anything easier. It's a phase we go through, but I recommend getting through that phase as quickly as you can.

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      reschel ramos 5 years ago

      dear KCC

      Thanks for the reply yes i read all your articles i know i'm not the only one who feel this way. you're right blaming someone is natural feeling but i cannot control my self to hate him. I really miss my daughter although i have another child but still it not enough and my life is not complete without her. Have mercy on me Lord, hope i can cop this feelings just like the other member of this site...

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Yvette, you're very welcome. I'm very pleased that this article (and all the comments!) has become a place that you can visit that gives you hope. Thank you for sharing Vanessa's memorial page. It's a beautiful tribute to a beautiful young lady. Take care.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Good to see you again Sandra! For me, having another child to take care of helped me too. Congrats on expecting another baby! I know you are dealing with all sorts of emotions with that. You're right, how interesting that the due date is the same. :) May you and this baby remain healthy throughout your pregnancy and may he/she help you in the healing process. Take care.

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      Yvette 5 years ago

      I also want to say thank you for opening your heart to us the way you have. I have to admit that some days it is extremely difficult and every time I come back to read this post it gives me hope once again. I pray that God would pour out his blessings upon you and your family. I feel that by sharing my daughters memorial I might be able to help someone else also.

      http://www.valleyoflife.com/vanessakristincastro/

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      Sandra 5 years ago

      Dear Kcc,

      I wrote to you a couple of months ago in regards to the loss of my beautiful baby girl. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! Thank God I have 2 older children that help keep me going. Despite the fact that I am 40 and realize the potential for havinng another child with a chromosomal abnormality, we are expecting again. Many emotions, as this child is due the same day my angel was due.... God works in mysterious ways!!!

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Marcia, I've heard a lot of folks say they believe their loved one knew they were going to die. I know my mom believes that about my dad. What I would ask you is....does believing that help you or does it hurt you? If it helps you in dealing with his death then entertaining that idea can be helpful. If thinking about that hurts you and upsets you, then I would consider shifting your thoughts. Make sense? Let "how you feel" be your guide.

      You're going to cry alot. That is completely natural. I cried much of the day for a long time.

      Hang in there, you're doing well.

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      Marcia 5 years ago

      Dear KCC

      Do you that sometimes people know that they are going to die? Somtimes I think my son Matthew knew his life would not be long. Going through his things like cards and papers etc, I found a christmas card to his "Boss" at one time, thanking her for all she had done for him, reading it in hindsight now it seems to tell her how grateful he was for all her help and that he wished her and her family well in the future: strange thing is he never gave it to her and it was dated the year before he died. Now I've also found a note to one of his University professors thanking him in much the same way, for the doors they opened for him and for having faith in him. KCC finding these now is so strange as I so often blamed this lady for overworking my son and bothering him to work even when he was feeling unwell and sick in bed. It seems so sad sometimes, he even got a job for his cousin without telling her and she found out a few days after he died. He even told me not to bother him cause he would have been too busy over the next few days and that he had a lot of work to do.I so wished I had called him I feel maybe I could have kept him alive. But up to this day I just do not know why I felt he needed time to do some stuff and didn't call. He just seemed to have done all he needed to do. I'm crying now as I do everytime I start to write about how it feels to not have him here. I miss Matthew all the time, no matter how busy I may seem he's always in my thoughts. Help me please.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      So sorry for the delay in replying to each of you! It’s been a busy time for me.

      Cupsuptic, thank you for your kind words. I hope you are continuing to improve.

      Yvette7, there is absolutely nothing wrong with celebrating the life of someone you loved. However, it will be rare that someone who hasn’t lost a child will understand that. Unless you’ve been there, you can’t begin to comprehend what it feels like. They all seem to think we should just “move on and let it go”. I find that comment disrespectful, but yet I can’t be angry with them for not comprehending what we go through. You do what feels right to you. In the 8 years my son has been gone we have had cake on his birthday some of those years and we always have balloons.

      Marcia, it sounds like you are doing all the “right” things. It just takes time. Time may not erase the wound, but it does take some of the sting out of it. Just keep focusing on things that make you feel better when you do them. Those are the things that are helping you. If you do something and it makes you sad or upset, then it’s not helping you move forward, it’s keeping you bogged down in your grief. A little at a time you’ll get better at it.

      Reschel Ramos, I’m so sorry you lost your child. It’s natural to want to blame something or someone for the death, but what if the roles were reversed? What if your husband had been at work and you were home watching the children. Would you want him to blame you? How could he possibly of prevented it? I firmly believe that no one dies before “their time”. I urge you to read through the list in my article again. You are going to feel a lot of different emotions. All of it is natural and normal. Allow yourself to feel it, acknowledge it and slowly work through it by taking one minute at a time. Do what feels good to you. Hang in there. All of us posting here have been through it too.

      Bless you all!

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      reschel ramos 5 years ago

      thanks for this site I am always finding some ways just to overcome this depression I have 2 children and my eldest she is 4 years old past away one month ago due to dengue shock syndrome (bite of a dangerous mosquito) I am the one who work for my family and my husband whose the one take care of our children. I blame my husband for the death of my daughter I don't know if is right but he is the one who took care of here. I cried everyday I really miss my daughter her smile, her laugh everything about her, and I’m always ask god why it was happening to me why my child? Sometimes I get angry I don’t know what to do I want my daughter back to me even though I know that I will not happen anymore. Hope you can advice me how to overcome this kind of horrific experience...

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      Marcia 5 years ago

      Dear KCC,

      Your response has brought me some comfort just knowing that there are other people who truly understand my heartache. Today at work I found myself crying uncontrollably at my desk, by myself. Its just that Matthew enjoyed this time of year so much and this fine weather reminds me of that. Time does not heal all wounds and there are times I just miss doing stuff for him. I have also developed a fear of loving my other two children 'too much' for fear of losing them too. sometimes i think God took him away from me because I loved him too much and spoke about him alot. I worked three jobs to send him to University because he was so sure of what he wanted to achieve in life. Even now I am glad he he got to go abroad to study, but sometimes wish I had done even more to help him. My most precious keepsake from him is a letter in which he thanked me for making his dreams come through.His older sister often said he was spoilt but she also loved him dearly and would forgive him anytime. My daughter and I have gone for counselling but stopped after we realised we weren't feling any better. What do I do when I feel really low and can't come out of this sadness?

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      sadmom 5 years ago

      yvette7

      I'm so so sorry for the lost of your daughter, I can relate to losing a daughter, I have lost a daughter also, I've just went through, what would have been her 9th birhtday, I just sorrounded myself around family, and pray and ask God for strength to take me through the day, and though it was easy at all, I somehow made it through. My daughter loved to eat at Carraba's, my family also. It took several months almost a year to go back there, but I went for my family's sake, it was hard but we managed to smile over some good memories of her. my heart ached but we continue to go at least once a month, it gets just a little easier each time. Over the Christmas Holiday, I didnt know how my family and I were going to make it. My husband and I decided to surround our selves with family, so we invited family and friends over, and cooked for them first a christmas breakfast, this is the way we chose to honor our daughter, by serving others. Staying busy is what helped us during birthdays and holidays. I'm thinking of releasing balloons in her honor the next birthday, and possibly organizing a scholarship fund, because education was very important to her. God Bless You Yvette, and all the other parents,friends,sisters, brothers, children, cousins, grandparents, and aunts and uncles who have lost a friend or love one.

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      yvette7 5 years ago

      As I reflect on the past the pain of tomorrow becomes so real to me. My daughter Vanessa would have been turning 20 on February 12. What do you do and how do you go on when you lose someone you love so much. I mentioned to my family that I wanted to do something special for her, maybe buy a cake and celebrate her birthday. The response I got was "shes already gone, you have to let her go." I was surprised to get such a comment, perhaps its because they to feel pain. As a mother I feel I have to do something in remembrance of her. Her death came suddenly from a ruptured appendix. I know she would want us to still be happy and celebrate life without her. I plan to take her three brothers and younger sister to our favorite park where we spent many fun days together. I would like to hear some suggestions...Thanks and may God give us strength and peace.

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      cupsuptic 5 years ago

      Dear KCC,

      I've been reading each email from your HubPages. There are alot of people like my self who are hurting ou there. I want to Thank You so very much for taking the time to write to me, I really feel that you've helped me. I feel just as your Dad did,just broken hearted. I do spend more time in Church and this really helps.

      But once in a while like now I can feel it coming on I just start crying.. I'll pray this Sunday For you and for all those who are hurting Thanks again and Bless you.

      Brad

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Bruce, I'm so sorry you lost your son, Jarod. It is pretty amazing when we reflect back on what our deceased children have given us in the short time we had them, isn't it? The lessons we all learned and I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say I'm sure that none of us would have wanted to miss out on the time we had. Losing them was still worth having them.

      Thank you for your kind words. I'm honored to be a part of your healing process. It's how I choose to honor my son's memory....by attempting to help others who are going through the same pain.

      Take care of yourself.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Felicia, I'm so sorry you lost your daughter. It certainly sounds like you've made peace with her loss though you continue to ache like we all do. Thank you for your blessings for everyone here going through the same pain and grief. May others find encouragement from you words. Take care.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Marcia, I'm so sorry you lost your son Matthew. I'm a firm believer that no one goes before their time and nothing we could have done differently would have made any difference anyway. Regarding aging him each year, I don't think we ever stop doing that. I still do it 8 years later. My son would have been 21 years old now. Regarding friends and family changing the subject, I know how you feel. I know the subject makes others uncomfortable, but if that's the worst emotion they get from dealing with our child's death, then that's too bad in my opinion. I'm not going to refrain from including my child into conversation sometimes. I've been to class reunions where classmates ask how many children I have. I tell them two. If they ask how old they are or more about them, I tell them about Kevin and how old he would have been. It makes people uncomfortable, but I'm not going to exclude him so that they can remain comfortable.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      TanaCae Danick, I understand what you're saying regarding you friend's poise and composure. I have witnessed that myself and just a few years after that found myself in that same position. It has to do with how some of us handle crisis situations. I am someone who remains calm and collected. I had some people comment about my composure. It's just that we hold ourselves together well in stressful situations. It's not necessarily to say that we've got it all together inside. There were times that I was crumbling inside, but no one knew it.

      Regarding your obsession with safety. I understand this as well. After losing Kevin I certainly became more protective of everything my daughter did. However, I had gone to a grief support meeting and met other parents who had lost children. One day, months later I ran into one of these mothers who remembered me and the story of how I lost my son (go-cart accident just a week before he would have turned 13). She had lost her 16 yr old son to a car accident. She came up to me and told me "I wish I would have bought my son the go-cart he always wanted". I thought it was an odd thing to say to someone who had lost their son to a go-cart accident. She went on to explain. "I wouldn't buy him one because I thought they were too dangerous and I thought I could protect from everything. I learned that I couldn't protect him. He ended up dying anyway. I should have let him have the go-cart and let him enjoy life".

      Something to think about.

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      Bruce 5 years ago

      Thank you KCC for the above "Facing the Indescribable”. This was the first thing I read online when my little boy passed away – I downloaded the message and gave a copy to my wife it indeed help us in time of need – I only posted here now six month later because I suddenly felt the need to say thank you for the advise you wrote.... I am still angry at God and am having a very hard time trying to not be....below is what I wrote the day I lay our boy to rest...

      It is hard for me to put into words the grief I am feeling. It is any parent's worst nightmare to bury their child, and today, Anet and I am faced with that horrific nightmare.

      I remember the day Jarod was born as if it were yesterday. As he was wheeled in the incubator to the icu ward I still remember him looking at me saying protect me Daddy - I fell in love with him immediately. Our Stinky was a premature baby, Our Popie had to stay in the hospital for a week, and I remember those 7 days being the longest of my life begging the doctor to release him.

      When he got home, and I could finally hold him, I felt so complete. He was the most precious thing I had ever laid eyes on.

      I never wanted Jarod to get hurt. I think because he was a Special boy, his mommy and I had to teach him to crawl and eventually walk, I was overly protective of him. Nevertheless, he always seemed to be engaging in very adventurous activities. He loved his bike and cars. Jarod was happiest outdoors getting him-self dirty there was never a day that he did not have a scrape on his knees

      Jarod taught his mommy and me so much about life and ourselves. We learned to appreciate the beauty of the world from him through his eyes. We were meant to raise him but in retrospect I think our little boy he thought us about life. Jarod used to give hugs to just about everyone he knew and had unconditional love no matter what

      He had the most beautiful outlook on life, which fascinated me.

      He loved his routine - most night he will play for hours in the bath eventually get out all wrinkly – then Poppie would play games with us on our bed for hours – eventually he will wave good night and give you the wettest kiss and go to bed – not long after he will get out of bed and sit at mommy’s and daddy’s bedroom door and wait for us to put him to bed again ( I think it was because he so loved his time on our bed playing)

      Our dear Jarod In only 5 years and 9 months you managed to leave a legacy that I ....and most of us will never achieve in our lifetime. I look up to you my little boy because you were an angel on this earth. Now that you in heaven it’s your turn to look after your big brother and sister - Mommy and Daddy.

      Mommy and Daddy will love you forever little Jarod.

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      felicia 5 years ago

      I lost my 8 year old in a car accident 1 year and a half ago, I have two other children. As with all the other parents on this site, there is a great pain, emptiness, and lingering greif, that never seems to go away. Whenever my husband and I greived in the begining, I learned not to cry so much in the presence of your other children, because they are trying to cope with their pain and suffering from the loss of a sibling, so when they see their parents, they can sometimes try to carry your burden also, which is a lot to ingest. But i would often talk to my children and let them know it's ok to be sad, and not to hold their feelings in, and cry anytime they felt like it, then i would let them know I felt the same way they did and cried whenever I needed to. I have found much hope in reading my bible. It's truely hard to find hope with out hope and faith in God.

      I often wondered why this horrible thing had to happen to my family and I. I raise my children to love and believe God. My daughter loved God and often said she was ready to go to her heavenly home, but no one never knew that we would lose her the way we did and the time we did. Death is never a timely event. But I want to encourage others as I have been encouraged. There are many many scriptures of encouragement one of my favorite is 1 thessalonians 4:14-18 speaking of the rapture. verse 14 says For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him. This is a promise all of those who died in Jesus Christ will be with God during the rapture, and those of us that have accepted Christ as our personal savior will see our loved ones again. No matter what the situation is this is a opportunity if we don't know God to give our lives to him. In my experience, I had a lot on denial, and anger. Now I have reached the point where i realize my daughter's not coming back, but I have the hope that I will see her again, so each day that passes by I know that I'm a day closer to her. Most of all I'm looking forward to seeing my saviors face, in a place of no more pain tears, sadness, sickness, or pain. Do believe I have been angry with God, but God does understand our pain, so I released my pain to him and often ask him to take me through each day. Our knowledge and understanding can never be as great as God, the maker of our selves and this great universe. Knowing this I had to peacefully let go of my daughter and live in the expectency I would see her again. God really does care for you and loves you no matter what. read Romans 8:38, read 2 Peter 3:8-13, 2 Cor 5:17, Jeremiah 29:11. I was greiving so greatly when I came across a verse to be absent from the body is to be with Christ, so I asked God if he would allow me to see my daugter, in his presence, and he did, oh what peace, and joy I felt, the same as my daughter was living, it was a place of bright whitenss, with no floors or walls, when she came running to me through the whiteness, and hugged me around my neck saying hi mommy, and then I said hi baby. I only asked God for 1 moment, that seemed to last longer. This gave me peace, but everyday my heart aches, but my soul rejoyces, because she is yet alive in spirit. I hope I have said something to encourage someone somewhere. God Bless Everyone with a post on this site and owner of this site, God Bless you, and for those of us that know others who have lost a love one continue to pray for them, as I will also. Pray for my family also, and let brotherly love continue.

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      Marcia 5 years ago

      I lost my youngest son Matthew to a fatal Asthma attack in December 2009 and still miss him so much that it hurts in my stomch and chest. It was sudden and he was alone and I wish that I had prayed harder for God to save him when we were called. Mostly I miss doing things for him and hearing him tell me good Morning when he came into the kichen everyday.He is in my thoughts 24/7. Matthew would have been 29 years old this year and I wonder if i will ever stop aging him as the years go by.I wish I could talk about him all the time but friends and family try to change the topic whenever I start to talk about him and i resent that alot.

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      TanaCae Danick 5 years ago

      My very best friend lost both of his brothers, his twin when we were just 14 years old and his older brother this past August. His mother (who is like a mother to me) was so strong, so poised, she had so much peace. On the day of his older brothers funeral my other best friends step daughter was being transported by flight for life to the nearest children's hospital, she was the apparent victim of child abuse, of which we still do not know who exactly was tI he assailant.. I also attended that service, deeply disturbed by the composure kept by her mother. Here was this 2yr old baby dead, swollen and bruised and her mother barely crying.

      At that very moment I developed a fear, an obsessive phobia of Lord Forbid losing my own 3 1/2 year old son. I don't think I could handle it. I think i would kill myself. I worry about it constantly. I'm afraid if I ever allow myself to get comfortable with the thought it will happen. I'm terrified, to the point where I've changed my entire life to it being based on safety. At the expense of every other aspect. I may not be in the right place but this is the first time I've been able to bring myself to speak or write about it. Thank you for your time.

      Love and Light to all of you who have survived this unspeakable tragedy.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Sisters babyboy-I'm so sorry you lost your nephew in your sister's horrific accident. I wish I could give you a ton of answers, but there are no easy answers and no matter how long she, you, or any of us mull it over in our minds, we will NEVER find a suitable answer to justify what has happened to us. We simply have to begin to accept it in whatever small increments we can tolerate. That process simply takes time....and it's different for everyone.

      My only suggestion is to be someone your sister can talk to if she feels like talking. Let her know you're available and let her come to you. Share this article with her. Seeing what others have gone through helped me a lot.

      Hang in there. Give it all time.

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      sisters-babyboy 5 years ago

      Hi There... I dont know how I got to this site or even where to start with my story.I need help! My sister and her husband, 4year old son and also her baby boy of 9months was in a car accident on the 31st of Dec 2011... they were on their way to a nice hot summer in South Africa for the first time in seven years. My sister was driving, not knowing what the cause of the accident was... they started roling with a SUV and trailer...she was behind the wheel! She lost control over the vehichle. When all te roling stopped... she looked to the back as the car was on his roof..seeing her baby boy hanging from the roof, still tight in his baby chair. The first person that stopped with them on the side of the road was a lady.... my sister asked of her to please have a look at her baby boy named Luka..."I think we have lost him" ...weak by her knees she sqweezed herself out the window behind the stearing wheel. She could not walk... she fell out and laid on her back on the side of the road... not able to move. her husband was still squashed in the car, her son of 3,Evan. flew out the window in the accident.. The lady toldd my sister, that the did loose their baby boy. She took him out his baby chair and rested him on my sister's chest.. ther he laid for 45mins...

      please tell me what to tell her!!! What is the answers... what is the questions????

      My sister Clivé, is a loud laughing fun person... in this month... Ive seen her, and she has just got this numb expression on her face!! Please dear God help me...I love them all so dearly!!! Please!!!!!

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Cupsuptic, since we lived on 27 acres, my son got a chance to drive our vehicles a bit on our land. We had a remodeled 68 GT Fastback Mustand he was going to get when he turned 16. I know what you mean about flyfishing. My ex-husband was a fly-fisherman. Bless you too Cupsuptic.

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      cupsuptic 5 years ago

      Well I'm thankful for the time God gave me. Ian got to drive my 1964 pickup, Flyfishing with me and that takes a few years to learn. He loved hiking and camping out. But most of all at the top of his list was playig the violin and French horn. He did make his mark in a short 13 years.. Bless You KCC

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Good to see you again, Cupsuptic. Yes, my dad really took my son's death hard. I don't think he ever fully accepted it before he himself died 5 years later. I too thought about all the first my son would miss out on, or me miss seeing him do.

      Hang in there. It sounds like you're doing the right things.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Iby Jean, I'm so sorry you lost your mom and baby boy, and so close together. For me, I can certainly say that having another child to tend to helped me pull myself together. Congrats on your new baby. It must really tug at your heart for her to look a lot like your son. I have a hope that my daughter will one day give me a grandson that looks like my son. *sigh* Hang in there.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Penny, I'm so sorry you lost your son to the hands of a drug/drunk driver. Five years isn't very long to have gotten through the grief process. Hang in there. We all have those days that aren't as easy to get through.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Jen, I am so sorry that you've not only lost one child, but two. That is a grief that is multiplied. I'm sure it's very tough on the remaining children as well. I know how much my son's death affected my daughter. Hang in there.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      May, I'm so sorry about the loss of your oldest son and the circumstances you're now left with without knowing the cause and not being able to see your granddaughter. It's a grief that has multiple layers of complexity. With him only dying 6 months ago you're having to experience all those firsts, those anniversaries. That's tough. You just have to tackle each obstacle as it comes up. I hope the autopsy gives you so closure and you can began to re-establish the relationship with your granddaughter. Hang in there.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Mary Bain, I'm sure an abortion, particularly in your circumstances, could be very much like the feelings experienced in other types of death of a child. There's bound to be a certain amount of grief and sorrow that remains with you.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Komal, I'm so sorry you lost your young daughter. You mention that you still cry. I think we all do. It's been 8 yrs for me and I still cry. Not every day, but I still long to have him back and wonder how things would be had it not happened. Hang in there.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Diana Gee, thank you for your compassion towards others who have suffered the loss of child. We're all part of a group we'd all give anything not to be a part of. I'm so sorry that you lost Rebecca and certainly before you had much time with her. You're right, I do believe our children would have wanted (insisted!) that we be happy and return to a "normal" life again even though they are no longer a physical part of it. We were all touched by their lives, albeit some longer than others, but it was all very precious to each of us.

      I know it must have been hard to leave her in the bassinet and walk away. It was hard for me to leave Kevin at the hospital. They gave him his tennis shoes in a bag. That's what I left the hospital with. *sigh* Hang in there.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Anonymous, you have certainly seen your share of grief, but you certainly sound like a strong one. All those funerals just prior to your son's death maybe helped you a little, but as you've said, and I agree, nothing really prepares you for when you lose your own child. Hang in there.

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      cupsuptic 5 years ago

      HI KCC thank-you so very much for writing and helping me.

      You told me how hard you dad took your loss. I miss my 13 year old Grandson so bad. We are going to spend some time with my Daughter who lost him. I havn't seen her or his bedroom since he Died. The Dr just put me on a Antidepressants. I find it very hard to think I'll never see my Ian again. My Daughter had send Ian and his Sister to spend every summer with us since they could walk. I think about him not having his first job. He was to work for a grounds keeper this summer when he came to Maine. He'll miss out on his first car, first Kiss, First Love. Oh so many first's to list. i didn't say how he passed but i think every mother and Father should read this. My 13 yearold Grandson died while playing hide and seek. He thought a good place to hide was in a bean -bag. He couldn't get the zipper to open, and my Daughter found him 15 min later. they tryed cpr but he was gone. If your going to have a bean-bag take the zipper holder off.. That another thing that call came in around 10 pm that Ian had Died i keep playing this over and over in my mind. I was in Vietnam from 1969-70 with the 25th ID out of Cu-Chi. I thought i had seen it all. But this I was told if I keep going the path i'm on could Kill me..

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      Iby Jean 5 years ago

      these things happened to me last Feb 2010 and June 2010.. on February that year we lost our dear mom..and just 4 months after I have lost my 10-month old baby boy..i feel so depressed since i cannot imagine i will lost him.. everything so sudden..we brought him to the hospital by 9am and that night by 7pm he died...i even made deals with GOD but seeing him ordeal, i just prayed to God to stop his pain and if that baby boy is not really meant for us...then HE can have him...i really was so upset with his loss but I have an older son to attend...that made me stronger...and after 2 months of praying i get pregnant..and now so happy with my 8 months old baby girl who really looks like him.

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      penny 5 years ago

      wow i lost my son in a car accident, drugged and drunk driver , 20 yrs old 5 yrs on and still trying to cope with not having my son here, some days are worse than others.

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      Jen 5 years ago

      We lost our 19 month daughter to cot death in 1995. She was so beautiful,one of three sisters. We had to carry on with life for the sake of our other two girls and a four years later we were parents again and had a little girl,and the next year a lovely son. They made our family complete, and we had wonderful times together. I had always thought that we had had a terrible loss, and we would never again have to go through anything so tragic. Until the first day of this new year when we awoke to a knock on the door by a policeman telling us that our 21 year old beautiful, clever, unique, kind daughter was killed instantly as a passenger in a car crash. We are absolutely devestated....and heartbroken.

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      May 5 years ago

      I lost my oldest son and dearest friend 6 months ago, his birthday was a few days ago. I had thought I was dealing with it, but I lost total control and just wanted to die. Part of the problem is we do not know why, we haven't received autopsy results. the other is I do not get to see my granddaughter who is 7 that was left behind becos it might not be "good" for her. His widow is not dealing with the death either and her family tells her she is weak and to think of her daughter. I shudder to think what is coming when grief comes wiggling out. I will be there. but beyond that I cannot promise unless they are allowed to be part of my life. Thank God for my other son and my husband. They try their best.

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      Mary Bain 5 years ago

      I had a abortion due to medical reasons I was 40 years of age

      still today it is something you will never ever forget and always each day of your lifexxx

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      komal 5 years ago

      I lost my little daughter who was just 9 year, full of life and ambitions two years back.After her not even a single day or minute pass when i don't think of her.She passed away without giving us chance to do anything for her as she was just having a viral fever which later all of sudden effected her brain.I still cry and remember her poem which she had written to me promising me to complete my dreams which i had seen for her.I still hope and wish that may be some day she would meet me and fulfill her promise.The pain of lossing a part of yours can never ever go away.We still carry the life but the zeal for life is not there.we are living just to fulfil our responsibility towards our son and our adopted daughter to whom we adopted after her.

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      Diana Gee 5 years ago

      To everyone, I want to compassionately say:

      I am sorry for the loss of your child.

      I am sorry for your sadness.

      I am listening to you. I see your tears. I feel your loss. I know your hurt.

      I am sorry you lost your child.

      I lost my baby within one day. I have no days to remember. Only moments. It was the most lonliest, devastating, heartbreaking, time stopping day of my life.

      But it was also the most caring, nurturing, heart melting day of my life. I was able to do what any momma could do to give comfort, care, cuddling, and a heart full of love to a child. The hardest was to put her little body down in her bassinet and walk away without her as I left the hospital. I carried only a little box containing the outfit she wore.

      I was left alone after that. My husband told me that if I wanted to talk to see a cousellor. My co-workers did not make eye contact. My friends ignored me. All people I knew with children, especially women, would say "oh, that's so sad", and I would not hear from them again. All of my siblings did not acknowledge their niece....they did not acknowledge her life, her funeral, their grieving sister (me) and my husband.

      It is very lonely. So very lonely. Only me, Rebecca's momma, can do whatever to remember her. My heart has a huge hole which will never be filled. Rebecca is my only comfort. She would want her momma happy.

      I hear her saying" Momma, give my daddy big hugs."

      and "Daddy, give Momma lots of kisses and help her to smile".

      To everyone: I am so sorry you lost your child.

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      I lost my mother when I was only 28. She was a mere 47. My mother and I were so close, I used to imagine dying before her because I never wanted to see her go. When she died, a piece of me died with her. I never imagined anything could ever compare to that loss until 20 years later, I lost my only son at the age of 25. Sometimes life seems so unfair. I don't understand why one person can be put through so much grief. Due to family circumstances I am now raising 2 grandchildren. I think they are the only things keeping my going, but god forbid anything ever happen to one of them, my life could not go on. Everyone is always telling me my reward is coming for all I do and all I have been through, but sometimes I find it difficult to dredge through another day. There is not a moment that goes by that I don't think about my son and what we might be doing now if he was still here. The year before my son died, I attended 3 funerals where the deaths were related to suicide. I told all those parents you would have to put me in chattahoochee if that happened to me. I felt thier pain, and months later I received that horrible call. My son was not a suicide, but a sudden death from myocarditis. I never dreamed I would ever face anything like this and can not still accept it at times, it all still feels so like a horrible nightmare that I have yet to awake from.

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      KCC Big Country 5 years ago from Central Texas

      Gugulethu Ndlovu: Sorry for the delay in responding. I'm so sorry you lost your baby daughter. I totally understand how unbelievable it feels. I remember replaying every moment of my son's last day over and over in my head just trying to let what happened sink in. It just doesn't seem possible. Then, once you begin to realize they are never coming back, it's so hard to get your head around that. Forever is an awful long time to live without them. Hang in there.

      Cupsuptic: I'm so sorry you lost your grandson. I can honestly say my dad really took it hard when my own son died. Like you said, you not only lost a grandson, you have a front row seat to watching your daughter suffer from the loss as well. As far as having the words to say to her....she knows that those words are hard to find. I know I did. In fact, I preferred it when people just said "I love you" or "I'm thinking of you". Really, nothing beyond that really helps. For me, connecting with others that had gone through it was extremely helpful because I felt that they were the only ones qualified to understand how I felt. To me, unless you've gone through it, you have no idea. One can imagine the horror all they want, but until it's real and in your face, I don't think you even get close to how it really feels. Hang in there. We'll all get through this together.

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      cupsuptic 5 years ago

      Dear KCC I'm So Sorry for your loss Nobody should ever have go though this. I lost my 13 year old Grandson 3 months ago. I'll never forget that night when my Daughter who lives in Texas and I in Maine was crying like she never cryed before. It seems Ian got in side a bean-bag and the zipper must have got stuck. My Daughter came home from shoping to find him thet had to cut him out because of the zipper but it was all to late.

      As i said It's been 3 months and she's told me ( Daddy I miss him So much) I don't know what to say, you see I lost my Grandson but I also lost a special part of my little Girl who'll never be the same.. I want to warn everyone out there that children will get into beanbags playing hind and seek.. All you have to do is take the the zipper off so they can open it. Ian was very smart he was playing both the french horn and the violin, this was the worst day of my life and everyone that knew him. It almost looks like My Daughter is being strong for us and we are for her. I cry most everyday Thank you Dear.