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How I Forgave People Who Never Said "Sorry"

Updated on April 23, 2019
Xavier Ludwig profile image

I am a blogger, a lover of psychology (Eric Fromm is my Guy), a digital nomad and just a lover of life in general.

It Is A Strength To Forgive Someone When They Aren't Sorry

As a child a grew up with this lesson in life; that if you wronged someone.. that you apologize and make it "right" with the person you have done wrong to. Doing wrong to others was something that I was told was never acceptable.

So, as I grew up I thought that others had the same mindset. I thought that when I did wrong to others that an apology would set things right. And I equally thought that when someone did wrong to me that they would apologize as well.

But boy...was I naive.

To apologize to many people is a sign of weakness. It is a sign to them that they can manipulate you and take advantage of you.

There are many who, when they do wrong, will gaslight you and try and make it seem like what they did never really happened.

"I never said that."

"I think you are mistaken."

What I have learned in life thus far is that many people are NOT capable of taking responsibility for their actions -- and as a result, they will often time shift the blame or try and make you forget the wrong they have done.

Funny, however, if you did wrong to them they would remember that and would also make you remember that.

It can be very difficult to forgive someone who has done wrong to you and will NEVER apologize or acknowledge what they have done.

But in this article, I will explain how I forgave all the people in my past who have done me wrong and moved on in life.

"To ruminate every day on these people is to consistently be with them."

If they are out of your life but not out of your head it is like they have never really gone.

And that...that is a pain that will drive you insane.

Psychology Plays A Huge Role In Peoples Mannerism

Source

For a long time, I thought I was crazy. Because I never really fit in into any groups; much of which I am very happy for, as I am an introvert and find the extroverted masses to be....sheeple.

This is not a polemical statement on these individuals, but something that I have observed on my journey called life thus far.

My self-reflection on my own sanity is what got me to get to read perhaps one of my favorite books of all time.

"The Sane Society" by Eric Fromm.

In this book, Eric Fromm talks about how much of society (the world) is not really as sane as we think it is.

People, for the most part, are acting out on irrational thinking and most people are very emotional.

Now for many people out there, they will say that the human being is an emotional being.

And that is true.

But the human being is also a creature of rationality; well at least some of us.

This first step into understanding the human psychological dynamic would pave the way for me to get a better understanding of emotional intelligence, evolutionary psychology, and mental illnesses.

All of these would be crucial for me developing the strength to forgive those who will never apologize to me for the wrongs they have done.

Understanding # 1: I am NOT Insane

Emotional Intelligence

Source

I think it is very obvious for people who have some sense of observation that some people just never grow up. Some people are stuck in their adolescent ages. Stuck in the psychological stages where they are too scared to admit they are wrong.

Just as a kid who gets into trouble. They will lie or try to get the parent, or adult figure, to forget what was happening when they have done wrong.

This is not too dissimilar to many of these "Grown Adult Children".

NOTE: The name to which I am using here "Grown Adult Children" is not an attack but truly a psychological analyst that I have observed in these "adult". I have been a teacher before and I know how children act when they have done wrong. The fear of admitting wrong to them is something that is very evident in their eyes. They have a fear of saying they are wrong because they feel they will be punished. Much like these grown adults who will do wrong but never apologize.

The actions of these Grown Adult Children can baffle many of us who are mature enough to admit our wrong.

In spite of them acting out and being very nasty, they only reveal that they are not the mature adults they appear to be.

So ask yourself, would you hold a grudge with a 7-year-old?

Understanding # 2: I see adults who aren't willing to apologize for the wrong they have done...as children. They are emotionally still children

Evolutionary Psychology: A Lion Is A Lion. A Hyena Is A Hyena.

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A lion is a lion. And a hyena is a hyena. They cannot help what they are. They cannot help how they live. They cannot help how they go about to catch food.

A lion will go out and "hunt" for their food. A hyena will wait for others to do the hunting and sweep in and take what has been caught.

Lions are hunters. They are ambitious. They are hungry. They are strong.

Hyenas are scavengers. They are lazy. They are opportunistic. They are NOT LIONS.

People come in all types.

You have your people who are go-getters and then you have those who are just slackers.

Why are they that way?

Because they just are that way.

Some people are empaths and they can admit their wrongs. They can try to become a better person because of their wrongs. But then you have those who have no desire to be better and their only desire is to leech off of others.

This can be the "leecher loser boyfriend".

The "baby mama" who has other dudes pay for her.

Or this can be the "narcissistic parent" who just wants all their children's attention.

These people are like hyenas.

They are at the bottom of the evolutionary chain.

And I know for some they may not like the evolutionary idea -- but take an objective look at people and tell me that everyone is the same.

YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SAY THAT.

This is not talking about RACE or ETHNICITY.

I am talking about the individual.

Because people of ALL colors can be some really un-evolved beings.

I know this for a fact as I have traveled the world for the past seven years on ALL CONTINENTS.

Understanding # 3: Some of us are emotionally and mentally more evolved.

African proverb, "A lion doesnt turn around because a dog barked at him."

There are many people out there who are mentally ill. Mental illness is on the rise in America right now. And it is much more prevalent in the world then we really know.

Depression is rising, especially in teens.

People are hurt and so when people are hurt all they want to do is hurt others.

They don't want to hurt alone.

So they feel a need to share their pain with the world.

People who lash out and try and hurt you are in actuality crying inside.

Their attacks on you is a desperate cry for help.

For other people, it may be sheer hatred.

For others, it may be their own self-hatred that is killing them. You may receive their anger because they feel a need to project their inner storm out onto the world.

They are fighting a constant battle inside themselves.

They feel less than and they have an irrational feeling to make others feel less than.

So when they see someone who may be better than them, or perceivably better than them, they cannot handle it and they will attack you.

The attacks have nothing to do with us...but everything to do with them.

Understanding # 4: They are not attacking us but defending their small egos.


Mental Illness: Hurt People Hurt

Source

Forgiveness Is For You...Not Them

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Life is a battlefield.

We will be hurt by others for reasons that we aren't even aware of.

But we have the mindset to become better people. We have the mindset to want to continue to improve. We have the mindset that we want to be the best version of ourselves.

And that is a gift that few people have in this life.

When you forgive someone who hasn't even said sorry...you are the stronger one.

You are the one who is more evolved.

You are the one who is more in control.

You are the one who can live...happy.

Most people ruminate over bad pasts and allow that rumination to steal their present and future.

But...I say this.

Imagine you get to the end of your life. And on your deathbed, you come to a sudden realization. That there is NOTHING after this.

No heaven.

No hell.

NOTHING.

Will you be happy that you spent this whole life WAITING for an apology that NEVER CAME?

Hopefully not.

It sucks to be wronged by others.

Unfortunately, in life, some people never get what they deserve.

But...

Ruminating on the wrongs they have done is still giving them power and it is still hurting...YOU.

If you want a scar to heal.

Cover it and let it heal.

Forget about.

Because if you keep picking at it...it will never heal. And that pain will always be there.

Forgive them even though they haven't said sorry.

Because the 'forgiveness' is NOT for them.

It is for you.

You.

So you can move on and continue to evolve as a person.

Keep evolving.

Keep growing.

Keep getting better.

And learn to forgive those who will never say sorry.

Comments

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    • Xavier Ludwig profile imageAUTHOR

      Xavier Hannibal 

      4 weeks ago from Wherever I feel like

      Thank you for your comment.

      And yes, you are SOOOO right.

      It is not easy (in the BEGINNING; like everything) to forgive someone who will never apologize.

      But forgiving them and moving on with your life is so much more liberating.

      Thank you for your comment.

    • Lorna Lamon profile image

      Lorna Lamon 

      4 weeks ago

      Very thought provoking article - I agree it is always better to forgive and enable yourself to move on. Being the better person is not always easy, however, it will always make you stronger. Thank you for sharing.

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