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Why Men Should Hate Skinny Jeans

Updated on September 18, 2012

Okay people, I'm going to ask everyone to remain mature adults throughout this article. Before I get started, I'd like to you to just go ahead and Google the phrase "skinny jeans fertility." The second result reads like this: "Are skinny jeans ruining hipster sperm counts?" Now, we all know that my literary integrity would never allow me to title my article in such a way, but I'm going to touch upon the same subject (just more thoroughly).

I've never been a proponent of skinny jeans on men. I think they look weird, but that's me. If you enjoy legwear that accentuates your man parts, more power to you. Meanwhile, I've come across some interesting factoids that could lead you to spend more of your time in the "Relaxed Fit" department.

They're Hanging There For a Reason, Fellas...

The male reproduction system can often seem like a mass of jumbled flesh that only serves to look weird on anatomy pictures. Meanwhile, there are precise reasons why our man parts are arranged exactly like they are. You see, a man's testicles need to stay a few degrees cooler than the rest of the body. The lower temperature allows for more efficient sperm production. And yes, for those of you wondering, this explains the "Cold Water Effect." If your testicles need to get warmer, they come closer to the body, and vice versa.

You know the feeling...
You know the feeling... | Source

I could spend 5,000 words in this article regurgitating information from the numerous studies concerning the subject, but let's face it, that would be boring. Plus, I believe there is a definite limitation on the number of times I'm allowed to use the word "testicle" before Hubpages pulls me from the Apprenticeship Program. Nonetheless, if you would like to check out actual articles referring to the "scientific" reasons behind this phenomenon, check this out, or maybe this one, or even this one.

Before I go any further, I'd like to point out that literally every article talking about the hazards of skinny jeans has incorporated a photo of Russell Brand, for some reason. Apparently, he has unknowingly become to the poster boy for the "My Jeans Caused Me To Lose My Sperm Club" (the MJCMTLMSC, for short).

"Yes, Mr. Reporter, my genitals are mangled beyond all recognition."
"Yes, Mr. Reporter, my genitals are mangled beyond all recognition." | Source

Just Look at Yourselves...

So, I am choosing not to exhaust my fingers by hyperlinking a ton of studies and articles referring to studies. Lord knows there are way too many articles that refer to other articles that refer to another article that refer to an actual scholarly study. To break this trend, I have chosen to just look at the basics because I don't need science to point out how ridiculous skinny jeans are.

Now, I seem to be picking on just the men here, but ladies, other studies do show that these unnecessarily tight skinny jeans are destroying your lady parts, too. I am giving the ladies a pass in this instance for the simple reason that women have been destroying their bodies in the name of fashion since time began.

ACK! Just stop and realize you'll never be "pretty"
ACK! Just stop and realize you'll never be "pretty" | Source

So, what's our excuse, men? I understand the current trend of being "ironic" with fashion by wearing things that normal people probably wouldn't wear (hilarious guys). What I can't understand, though, is the utterly ridiculous extent to which this fad has caught on. I like to imagine the scenario playing out in the same way that grandmothers began using Facebook (stick with me).

I opened my first Facebook account in 2005 as a freshman in college (shut up, I am still hip). It was awesome because we could do all the lame things that old people did, except for the fact that the old people didn't know about it. We could write little messages and share pictures (both rather popular activities of "lame/old people"), but the beauty lay in the fact that we could share these things with "our people." So a few years go by and now everyone/everything has a Facebook page. Hell, Facebook pretty much knows more about you and your loved ones than you do. At the same time, I'm willing to bet that virtually every one of you (including me) has a Facebook page. Why?

Please Jay, don't make me delete my Facebook...
Please Jay, don't make me delete my Facebook... | Source

Shouldn't we have completely abandoned this trend once literally everyone else jumped on board? It defies all logic, but to all of us familiar with the ways of the Internet, this should come as no surprise.

On the other hand, skinny jeans have nothing to do with the internet, but they still follow the same logical trend. A handful of men chose to wear a type of legwear that was the complete opposite of what was generally considered acceptable. It was cool, hip, and the general populace saw this. As the general populace is want to do, we jumped on this trend like it was a train carrying the last bags of Oreo cookies on the planet. This is when the trend is supposed to change, right?

No, sir, the jeans just. got. tighter. Now men are mangling their genitalia and eradicating every last sperm cell in the name of fashion.


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