ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

How To Be A High-Functioning Alcoholic

Updated on February 4, 2016
Raffael Fiano profile image

Raffael Fiano is an Italian-Brazilian writer and musician from Rome, Italy.

Source

Alcohol is great. Anybody that says the opposite is either a loser who thinks he's better than everybody else because he "doesn't need alcohol to have fun", or an alcoholic. It's easy to become the latter, since life is pretty terrible, so the question is: how to keep drinking and still (appear to) be a functioning member of society?

To answer that question, it is first necessary to look at the importance that alcohol has had, and still has, on humans throughout history. Some say dogs are man's best friend, because they keep you company and love you despite the terrible things that you inevitably do. That is false. Man's best friend is man himself. Man's best friend is his drunk self. A real man does not need other people to enjoy himself and have a good time. Drunk, a man can enjoy (the meaninglessness of) life at its fullest, relishing in the moment and in the thoroughness of the one-way journey that is life.

Famous Functioning Alcoholics

Ernest Hemingway
Ernest Hemingway | Source

Many notable and glorified men have dabbled in the art of extreme alcohol consumption. Men of the likes of Vincent Van Gogh, Winston Churchill, Ernest Hemingway, and so on. Sure, Van Gogh cut his own ear off, and later committed suicide just like Hemingway, but that's beyond the point. The point is that these men changed the world and gave us invaluable works of art. Despite spending innumerable hours a day consuming alcohol, they found the time to create masterpieces which are lauded to this day. Alcohol was the one constant throughout their life. This is proof that it is possible to abuse alcohol in order to escape the brutal reality of the world and, at the same time, not be deemed a superfluous member of society.
The question is: how?

5 Steps to Successfully Achieve High-Functioning Alcoholism

1 - Have a Job

This might seem counterproductive at first glance, since being drunk could easily affect productivity in most jobs and lead to termination. That's why it shouldn't be just any kind of job. A job which requires creativity is perfect: writer, adman, filmmaker, musician, and so on.
However, the best fit are jobs which from the outside seem as though they require great skill and effort, while in fact they consist of basically sitting behind a desk all day and signing papers without reading them. These offer a great deal of spare time, which can easily be dedicated to drinking, and are usually well paid. Nobody will think you need to go to rehab if you make $200,000 a year.

Don Draper
Don Draper | Source

2 - Dress Well

This is key. Being a high-functioning alcoholic is all about keeping up appearances. The goal is to trick people into thinking that everything is okay and that you are doing what you are supposed to be doing: contributing to society. The goal is to hide the fact that you have figured out how pointless it all is and that you are drinking excessively so that you can find some sort of interior peace and calm, things that don't exist in the real world.
If you dress like a bum, or even casual, people will immediately focus on the bottle of Jack Daniels that you are holding in your hands. However, if you are wearing a nice suit, the bottle of whiskey will magically become invisible, and you won't be ostracized from society.

3 - Increase Your Drinking Tolerance

In order to be a high-functioning alcoholic, you have to drink copious amounts of alcohol. That might be a problem if you are an unexperienced drinker. The goal isn't getting drunk and feeling sick. The goal is altering your state of mind in a way that you retain just enough semiconsciousness in order to appear "normal" to the rest of the world. The goal isn't getting wasted and pass out: it's to keep drinking. All day long.
In order to do so, you must follow a few important guidelines.

  1. Avoid red wine and sugary drinks. These will lead to headaches and tiredness. They also fill you up, preventing you from keeping drinking. Whiskey, vodka, rum, gin, and beer are ideal. Avoid mixing them, though;
  2. Eat and exercise. A good diet and frequent exercise are good ways to train your body to resist throwing away the precious liquids which you have ingested;
  3. Drink a lot. The best way to train your body to follow you in the binge drinking adventure that is high-functioning alcoholism, is to practice. Sure, you might fail a few times in the beginning, feeling sick and questioning your life decisions, but if you stick to the plan and follow the guidelines, you will soon see the results.

4 - Drink Alone

Drinking with others is fun, but drinking alone is underrated. As previously said, a man does not need other people to enjoy himself. A true high-functioning alcoholic has few friends, who are preferably high-functioning alcoholics themselves. That is preferable because being high-functioning alcoholics themselves, they know when to leave and have a clear notion of personal space.
Drinking alone, a man get in touch with his subconscious and find out more about himself. It is a great exercise for the mind and soul. Binge drinking in solitude helps in the important process of building walls against the external world, making you stronger and less dependant on others. It is a display of independence.

5 - Deny Everything

The first step in solving a problem is acknowledging that there is one in the first place. In order to succesfully be a high-functioning alcoholic, it is extremely important to live in denial.
YOU DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM. Repeat it. Again. Louder. EVERYTHING IS FINE. Perfect.
Not only must you convince yourself that there is no problem, because there isn't one, you must also convince others, especially the people who care about you, that everything is okay. The best way to do so is to, again, drink alone. To do so, you must strategically hide your bottles in the office, and at home if you live with others. Treat your bottles like an invaluable treasure that you must protect from the dangerous claws of the world.

Success

If you follow with attention and dedication these easy five steps, you will become a high-functioning alcoholic. You will be able to lead a life of excesses and despair, and hide it from the world. Nobody will know your true self, only knowing your outward appearance, which will display pride and composure. You will achieve the ultimate goal, which is living within the boundaries of your own mind.
Nobody will be able to decipher the cryptic persona that you have carefully built on the outside. Your thoughts and emotions will finally be safe from the dangerous influence of others. Nothing and nobody can hurt you if you don't let anybody in on your feelings and thoughts. Through isolation and alcohol abuse you will be able to reach goals that you thought were impossible to reach. Nobody will bother you, because nobody will know who you are. You will finally be whole.
You will finally feel nothing.


© 2016 Raffael Fiano

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)