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My Life With PTSD - True Story

Updated on December 29, 2014
wisdom25 profile image

Maurice Bishop, a powerful, spoken word Poet currently serving in the United States Army. Published Author & Motivational Speaker.

Soldiers That Been To War

I am a 25 year old male, U.S. Army Veteran who deployed to Iraq. I did a whole tour in Iraq with an engineer company name E.CO 2-12 1st Calvary Division, stationed in Fort Hood, TX. Ever since I've been in Iraq my life never been the same. What seems like disaster and trouble is a blessing in disguise.

My Lifestyle After Deployment From Iraq

After depIoyment with E.CO 2-12 1st Calvary Division and finishing my last 8 months in my active duty contract I drove back to South Philadelphia where I was born and raised. I stayed with my parents for a little while and I didn't feel socially nor spiritually connected with them. I had no love for myself nor anyone else. My relationship with women was based on sex because sex was an adrenaline rush for me. Speeding on highways, fighting, free-running on roofs, and being in a house with women that smoke and drank alcohol. Majortiy of the time I'm always to myself training with knives, exercising, and always planning to go somewhere outdoors. When I'm with a large crowd of people, I get irritated, my anger rise up, and my mind is always thinking about how I'm going to escape from these crowds. I even carry knives everywhere I go and always aware of every little thing around me.

At night I tend to drink more because it helps me to sleep. I try to get drunk to the point my self-conscious can't get nightmares. Ninety Percent of the time my body get so use to the strong alcohol that I eventually stay up the whole night and watch t.v. and smoke (Black & Mild). Sometimes during the late nights I'll have women come over for booty calls and some just to chill and smoke with. Sometimes I'll take a walk out in the street at 2:30am to 4:00am just walking around. And sometimes I'll hang with the wrong crowd just to start trouble because it was an adrenaline rush.

If I feel threatened, irritated, or you doing something I disapprove of then I'm either screaming and hollering at you or fighting you depending on the circumstances. I've became so depress that I tried slicing my wrists, arms and chest with a razor's edge. I pre-meditated about shooting myself in the head and jumping off the roof. I visualize harming others on a daily basis and wanted to fight because it was my stress relief.

What Triggered These Habits?

I can remember my back being soaked with sweat and my eyes burning because the sweat dripping down my eyes. I remember the reddish brown sky, the unbearable heat, and the bad stench that made you think God cursed this place. On that same day, I remember my soldier shooting himself in the chest with an M-16A2 in his own trailer. I remember seeing his body jerked on the floor, the look in his eyes, pale skin, the blood that escapes his body and the smell of a gunshot victim, the M16A2 that was beside him. I remember the shouts of soldiers from my unit, "Get a MEDIC"!!

I've seen a vehicle behind me explode by an EFP. I've seen a decapitated head in the middle of a dessert. I've seen bodies drop like flies.

The worst news I remember is when my 1 year old son died and my baby mama never told me about the funeral. I've never got a chance to hold him, talk to him, nor see him. I remember the rage I felt inside and how hard I balled my fist with a broken glass in my hand. My eyes burned with tears and I felt like my life was over and I didn't care about anything. I felt like God cursed me and I hated him.

How Did You Overcome These Habits?

The first step in overcoming anything is acknowledging that you have a problem. I knew I had a problem so I went to the VA Hospital. I received counseling from a VA Therapist, check-ups from the nurse, a social worker, and the VA Benefits Help Specialists. The nurses knew about my sleeping disorder and insist that I take medicine for my sleep. I had a trust issue and didn't like taking medicine. Believe it or not I met a woman who was in this coffee business called "Organo Gold". She told me about how this coffee has this chinese herb called 'Ganoderma Lucidem that existed for 4,000 years. She said, "It revitalize you, help you sleep, it's good for your circulatory system etc. I bought a box of Hot Chocolate and Mocha Delight. Since I've drunk this drink I've been going to sleep often.

The second thing I did was moved from South Philly to the nicer part of New Jersey. I knew I had to change my environment and get away from the negative folks. It's funny how you survive combat in Iraq and your homies will start trouble in the street and use you as a secret weapon. I was also known for buying stocks of alcohol because I'm a known alcoholic. On the outside I had a nice car, money, nice clothes, always traveling to places so the streets called me 'Government Funded'. I believe people used me for what I can do for them instead of helping me, so I had to leave.

The third thing I did was I started attending church services and bible studies. Please believe me, I didn't change my life overnight. I was still drinking, smoking, fighting, and I even cursed at one of the members at the church I was attending. I do believe I had a lot of prayer and hanging with positive people and constantly going to the VA Hospital to get counseled on a daily basis makes it a big difference.

I'm an AGR Supply Sergeant and I married a beautiful woman and an amazing supporter. I have a funny and talented 4 year old son and I'm bless to have him.


Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Spoken Word Poetry Music

Pre-Order Pain Living In My Pen January 2015

Hidden Battles on Unseen Fronts: Stories of American Soldiers with Traumatic Brain Injury and PTSD
Hidden Battles on Unseen Fronts: Stories of American Soldiers with Traumatic Brain Injury and PTSD

This book is crafted around soldiers stories of their war experiences in Iraq and Afghanistan that culminate in life-altering injuries to the brain and psyche, along with the equally dramatic story of their recoveries. An irony of America s 21st century wars has been that while our combat medical and medevac capabilities have grown enormously (from a rough average of 4:1 wounded to dead in WWII to 8:1 today), the nature of many of our soldiers wounds has undergone a subtle change. Men and women who survive the thick of combat, including repeated concussions, increasingly present a difficult-to-detect kind of injury, no less debilitating then wounds from bullets or shrapnel.

This book documents the ever-increasing cases of physical or mental brain trauma among our vets that has risen as a direct result of more soldiers surviving their flesh wounds on the battlefield. The chapters are developed from interviews with troops and their family members, and bridged with essays by mental health professionals, veterans advocates, and members of the VA and DoD, all of whom are working in the front lines of what is quickly developing into a national crisis of unfathomable cost in both lives and money.

All royalties from this work will go directly to the front line of support for wounded warriors with PTSD and TBI, and their families.

 

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    • wisdom25 profile image
      Author

      Maurice Wisdom Bishop 5 years ago from San Tan Valley

      Thanks Beth. Check out my new hub called The Craziest Woman I Ever Met.

    • wisdom25 profile image
      Author

      Maurice Wisdom Bishop 5 years ago from San Tan Valley

      Thank you anaceleste. You are so kind. I'm going to look at it now.

    • Beth100 profile image

      Beth100 5 years ago from Canada

      Lots of love to you too Maurice. xo

    • ananceleste profile image

      Anan Celeste 5 years ago from California

      Hello again!

      I wanted to share a hub and a video I did 2 months ago as a tribute to our American soldiers.

      https://hubpages.com/politics/forgotten-Soldiers...

      Blessings.

    • wisdom25 profile image
      Author

      Maurice Wisdom Bishop 5 years ago from San Tan Valley

      Thank you Beth for your encouraging words. I be needing to hear that sometimes so I'm glad you did. Much Love and Respect

    • Beth100 profile image

      Beth100 5 years ago from Canada

      Maurice,

      You bring hope to those who have feel they have none. You bring awareness to PTDS which is so often overlooked. You bring reality to serving one's country -- it is not always glamorous as depicted in movies. The aftermath can be as destructive as the frontlines themselves.

      Congratulations on finding the strength, the courage and the stamina from admittance, to seeking counselling, to actioning out the changes to succeed!!

      Peace and light

    • wisdom25 profile image
      Author

      Maurice Wisdom Bishop 5 years ago from San Tan Valley

      Thank you again Denise. Have you ever got my email?

    • Denise Handlon profile image

      Denise Handlon 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Your welcome, Maurice, my pleasure. Yes, it is important to maintain your awareness of what your needs are and know that you are capable of reaching out for that support each time. It is hard for all of us in different ways, and we each have to find our voice in asking for that encouragement. In addition, we each have the capability to go within our selves, our souls, and find that stronghold that offers support in a Divine way. I know that your faith keeps you sustained. Let me just say, recovery and healing is not an easy or simple process. It is an ongoing, everyday vigilance to stay the course. You, as a soldier in another country's battle, understand this more than others. Take heart. The support and strength you need is there within...and there for the asking.

    • wisdom25 profile image
      Author

      Maurice Wisdom Bishop 5 years ago from San Tan Valley

      You are such a great encourager. I really needed to hear that. I need encouragement everyday because life can get hard sometimes. I'm really thankful that you commented and God bless you in everything that you do.

    • Denise Handlon profile image

      Denise Handlon 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Whew! What an accomplishment to get to Step 1. Okay, I have to repeat this, because I work in 'the field' and see folks through a revolving door who never make it out of step 1 much less to step 3! WHAT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT TO GET TO STEP 1: recognizing that you have a problem.

      Your life, the life that your grew up with, the life you had in combat, the life in south Phillie-very different from my experience. Yet, your problems are similar to so many I have met along the way. My heart goes out to you. You are young and have gone through so much that one person should not have had to endure at such a young age. I'm so thrilled that you have found new meaning for your life and hope that you are continuing to work to understand all that you've experienced. Happy for your new family-God bless.

      Thanks for sharing this very important message here. In the worse of our experiences we still have choices to seek help and rise above. We all have unlimited God given talent and potential. But, we...and our negativity and bad habits, will sabatoge that if we are not aware of what is holding us back. I rated this up and across (minus funny). Take care.

    • wisdom25 profile image
      Author

      Maurice Wisdom Bishop 5 years ago from San Tan Valley

      Thanks so much. I believe writing keeps me sane and I've become more positive and strong minded. There's a lot I know I have to work on but I'm getting there. All I know is I'm a lot better than before and I feel great.

    • ananceleste profile image

      Anan Celeste 5 years ago from California

      Dear Maurice;

      Is amazing the things that you have accomplished. At such young age, you have been to hell and back.Like so many of our soldiers. It takes a real hero to recognize and confront head on that kind of condition.

      I applaud you in your accomplishments. Hold on to your faith. Love yourself enough to keep your head up high. Know your purpose and make it count. Blessings, Anan.