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How To Get A Life

Updated on July 21, 2011

Need a Life?

Do You Have A Life?

Many people think that they are relatively hip and cool in their daily lives. Why wouldn’t they? We all have 100’s of imaginary conversations with our enemies and human shaped roadblocks in our head. Every one of these conversations end the exact way we want them to. We get all the good one-liners, our points are made and we typically go on to be heros in some pedestrian or super-exaggerated way. And that’s good. That’s how it should be, right! It is our head that we are having these conversations in, and if we can’t win every conversation against our self then we probably need some serious help.

So we all consider ourselves modern, well dressed, intelligent members of society. We know better than everyone (even if we don’t say it out loud), we understand more about current affairs and history (even if you don’t believe us) and we have cooler friends then everyone else (even if we don’t have any friends at all, but rather, people that show up from time to time and drink beer and share gossip). We are the pinnacle of social acceptance and all other are just Walmart groupies looking for the next big sale on black nail polish and cheap ground beef.

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That Moment of Doubt

But then, that day comes. Someone tells you that you are not cool. They tell you that your shirt is from the 80’s – and not in a good way. They tell you that your hair looks like it was cut with a lawnmower –again, not in a good way. They break your veneer and shatter your confidence. At first you shrug it off and stride confidently away. You head towards home, where it is safe and warm and guard yourself against your thoughts with reruns of Mork and Mindy, cheez-its and Sparks. Time goes by as you resist the urge to push back on the conversations you might not win in your head. The feeling grows until even spectacular performances of Robin Williams on Cocaine can’t keep them at bay. You settle into the old couch cushions and during the final credits of Waterworld you realize. I need to get a life.

Coolest Place on Earth

Today in the Studio We Have...

You could follow the method that Oprah proposes and shorten your workday by 30 minutes, avoid multitasking, break the habit of total self-reliance, capture all your to-dos in one place and schedule one purely joyful activity each week. But, that kinda sounds like a lot of work. Let’s face it, Oprah gets paid to be Oprah. Having a life comes easily to her. We don’t all own our TV Networks or daytime talk shows, so we might have to find more proactive and straightforward methods of getting a life. Besides, Oprah’s method sounds like it takes a long time. I figure if the good lord could create everything in 7 days, we should be able to come up with a plan to get a life in at least half that time. And here’s the plan. Buy stuff!

How To Really Get A Life!

The key to having a life is having stuff. How do I know this? Advertising tells me so. And if you can’t believe the fancy people in suits, who can you believe. The problem is you can’t just buy any old stuff. You need to buy the right stuff. So I’ve compiled a list of 5 things that you can purchase to make you the coolest person on your block. (As a disclaimer, I’m talking one of those urban blocks in the city, not one of those sprawling sub-urban blocks. Those are too big and results may vary. Besides, no matter how much stuff you buy, you can never be cool living in the suburbs.)

Swarovski Headphones

The first thing you need to purchase is an overpriced pair of jewel encrusted headphones. I’d suggest Swarovski – they are world renowned for having overpriced products that speak more to fashion than to quality and durability. By the time these things arrive in the mail you will already have a life just by talking about them to your friends. Now, don’t go to all the trouble of actually purchasing a music player and selecting music. Just stick the cord in your pocket and bounce your head as you walk around town. When people talk to you just nod your head and point to the headphones and keep walking. If you can pull it off, a short two-step dance move when noticed would be a nice touch. Getting a life was never so easy.

Unicycles are Cool?

Unicycling is coming back in a big way. So are unicycle motorcycles, but those are a ways off, so don’t jump the gun there yet. Instead, check out a few 16 inch unicycles, take some lessons and hit the streets of the local downtown. People will stop and take notice of you for one reason or another. If you’re lucky, you may even meet other folks who are interested in unicycling. Getting a unicycle works really well in conjunction with the Swarovski headphones. Great for the one-two punch of getting a life.

Be Who You Want

This may be overplayed and perhaps a bit obvious, but getting a World of Warcraft account and playing for at least 40 hours a week is a great way to meet new people with different interests. Many people have entire relationships online within the World of Warcraft. Several of these people are actually happy, which is rare either inside or outside of the game. The point to be made – if you get a WOW account, you automagically get a life.

Eat Your Way To a Life

Everybody loves Peanut Brittle and if you don’t it’s why you don’t have a life. Get some peanut brittle and you get a life!

Cherry Electric Guitar

You may not want to take the time to hook your new Swarovski Headphones up to a real MP3 player, but you absolutely want to learn how to play a guitar. But, not just any old guitar. You need to get yourself a Cherry Electric Guitar. You can get one of these from any old online store for a fairly good price. Once you have it in hand go onto youtube, look up some online lessons and then form a band with others. Regardless of if you are any good or not when you meet people you will be able to tell them you are in a band. And, even if you don’t have a life, everyone will at least think you do.

When all Else Fails

I guess if you don’t have any money or you don’t feel like purchasing a bunch of stuff you don’t need, you could just look at your local calendar of events and find free functions that are going on around town about things that interest you. Getting out into the world and interacting with people places and things is a sure fired bet to getting a life. After all, your trying to get a life, a life is not trying to get you.


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