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How to Tell You Are Too Old and Past Your Sell by Date 10 Signs to Watch out For!

Updated on February 19, 2019
Well, we can look can't we? flickr
Well, we can look can't we? flickr

Oh those glorious days of youth! When a night out meant slapping on your make up, tonging your hair, and choosing the most sensual of dresses to go out and meet the boys. I remember them well. Strolling in at four in the morning, still looking as good as when you went out, well, nearly! The nights always seemed warm and stars would twinkle in the sky, even the rain held a certain kind of magic.

Then came marriage and children, but you still had that zing baby! You could walk down the road, and know that you can turn heads. Hear a whistle from a workman, I know, not allowed these days! What? Who said it was wrong for a man to whistle at a girl? The girl? No way! We loved it, made our day. And those days went on and on, never changing, knowing that you will always feel beautiful, even if you weren't particularly pretty, it was youth that got you the attention. Then bam! One day the attention stopped. Without realising it, you are suddenly too old and past your sell by date!

No I Am Not Mutton Dressed As Lamb Honest!
No I Am Not Mutton Dressed As Lamb Honest!

Now I could get all psychological and say don't be stupid, there's no such thing as too old, but bear with me. There are signs, oh yes! Big ones, that slap you round the face, and say, what you? Still attractive? Yeah right!

Don't get me wrong, you don't go from young and lovely, to old and wrinkly overnight. No, not that easy. The changes are small, and start to seep into your conscious mind when you don't expect them.

So, here are the ten signs on:

How To Tell You Are Too Old And Past Your Sell By Date

Smug cow!
Smug cow!

Smug as a Bug!

Number one on the list is mortifying. I am jumping right in here before I start to cry again. Okay, here's the scene. You are walking down the road, humming to yourself and suddenly you see coming towards you in the distance, a gorgeous yummy man. As he gets closer your eyes meet, and you start to swing those hips. Yeah that's right, go for it! As he reaches you, he smiles into your eyes, and you smile back. Then from behind him emerges his girlfriend. You meet eyeball to eyeball. Wait for it, you think, now she is going to glare at you and grab her man.

But she doesn't. Instead, she takes one look at you and smiles, says hello and walks on. Oh dear God! by the look on her face you know you are no longer a rival! So what does she see exactly? Yep, you got it, a mother figure! Or even worse, grandma! Your stomach falls down to your feet and you shuffle home wondering where the vodka is. But you settle for cocoa, may as well get into the granny mode.

Roll out the Barrel!

Number two is more subtle, but that doesn't mean it won't sting! After a heavy day at work, you stumble into the nearest pub and wander over to buy a drink. The bar is full of men, and you know, just know that one of them is going to offer to buy it for you. So you wait. And wait. Eventually you turn around and stare at the guy next to you at the bar.

He smiles. Oh at last, you think and return the smile. Only to be greeted with, 'Hi, you're so and so's mom aren't you? Thought so, would you like a chair? You look tired! You take the chair and sit down. But do things get better? Of course not. He then goes on to talk about how much he fancies the girl behind the bar. You slink to the toilet and head out the back door trying to find the nearest barrel of beer to drown your sorrows.

Quite Sweet Really!
Quite Sweet Really!

Should I be Fussy?

Numero three, Oh happy days! They say you can tell your age by the people who flirt with you. On entering a certain establishment, yes that pub again, glutton for punishment me, I hear a shuffle behind me, and, turning around there is an old man with a stick, no teeth and a bright red nose, leering at me. And he's breathing down my neck.

After establishing the fact that yes indeedy he was trying to chat me up, at least I think the spit that was flying around as he formed the words, was in fact aimed at me, I smile, grab my bag and head out the door. Okay you might say that I am desperate, but surely you can't believe I am that desperate!

Okay, where did that fat come from?
Okay, where did that fat come from?

Going Ga Ga!

And so we have number four. You get invited to a party. At last! I have been acknowledged as the life and soul of the party! So, heading for the wardrobe, you start throwing all your best little black dresses on the bed. Eventually you find the one that you want to wear. Throwing it over your head you realise that actually you might have put on a few pounds, so struggle with the buttons or zip. You then head for the mirror. Staring back at you is a sack of overripe melons and sprouting potatoes, all squashed up in one bag.

So you breath in. Does it work? No, it just displaces the fat, and you watch in amazed horror as your bum gets bigger, and your waist heads down towards your knees. The clock is ticking, what the hell to do? Eventually you find something that actually fits, even though its boring and old fashioned. So you try to liven it up with jewelry. Then you stand in front of the mirror and sigh with relief. You still got it girl. Or so you think!

Numero Five

There's a knock at the door, and your lift is here. On arriving at the party, you throw your coat at the nearest host and head into the living room singing, 'Ga Ga la la la la Lady Ga Ga' at the top of your voice, only to realise that it is in fact a tupperware party, and the guests are all elderly ladies. They glare at you, sniff and turn away. You slump away and head for the garden, find a pond and dive head first in. The fish are better company.

Oh the shame!
Oh the shame!

Beyonce? More like beyond a joke!

No. six isn't much better! and does it improve? No. Renowned for your dancing techniques, you head for the dance floor. there's nobody else out there dancing yet, but you don't care. you're an animal out there, swinging your arms to Beyonce, twisting and twirling to rap, R n' B, knowing, just knowing that you are sooooo good. You shake your booty, come on guys I am up for some Fuuunnn! Whee!

Then eventually you head towards your table to get a well earned drink only to see a group of young girls giggling like mad as you walk past. But you ignore them thinking they are laughing at each other. Then you catch part of the conversation as you walk past. 'Silly old woman, what on earth was that? Does she think she can still dance? Haaaaaa! Once again mortified. You head for the ladies and stay there until closing time, only coming out when the cleaner arrives. On the way home you get mistaken for a bag lady. Whoopee Da!

This is how old firemen look sometimes! Ah bless!
This is how old firemen look sometimes! Ah bless!

Time to wear a bag over my head!

And if those weren't bad enough here is a very quick selection of How To Tell You Are Too Old And Past Your Sell By Date!

7. Sitting in a restaurant, you catch a glimpse of your mother in the mirror near the door. Wondering what she is doing there, you go to stand up and look, then realise that the woman in the mirror is in fact moving too. it wasn't your mom, it was you!

8. Sorry for the cliche', but every time you see a Fireman, Doctor or Policeman you notice that they in fact look young enough to be your grandchildren!

9. Throwing your clothes onto the bed getting ready to go out, you suddenly realise that the mini dress, stockings and high boots may no longer be appropriate wear! Arggh!

10. And last but not least. You have to grow up! I mean, why can't I chat up that twenty year old any more? Why do I have to behave and give advice when all I want to do is have fun, and most of all, why don't my friends want to PARTY ANY MORE? I don't CARE that they are over fifty!

So, there you are. If you want to know if you are over the hill, just check these out. And when you start to get upset just remember, you are only as old as the man you feel....I mean, you are only as old as you feel! Oooops!


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