How do I know if I'm an alcoholic?
The quick answer is 'I didn't until I was taught to open my eyes and my mind to the insanity of the world I created around me'.
Some ask because they have a general interest, others because they ae questioning their own drinking habits and subsequent behaviours/ consequences.
The full answer is far too in depth and involved to answer in one article. I would need novel after novel to answer it fully and even then I probably wouldn't finish. So I will keep it simple.
I have a physcial, mental and spiritual allergy to alcohol. When it enters my system it has a very different effect to that of so-called 'normal' drinkers, whether they be light, moderate or heavy. It's a tough one to diagnose in yourself because unlike other allergy's, when I drink I don't come out in a rash, my throat doesn't swell up, and an anaphylatic shot won't reduce the symptoms. In fact, the effect of supping a drink on me made me feel like a million dollars!
'Normal' drinkers can have a few, relaxing drinks and know that the state of sedation has been reached, stop and go to bed. I would have a few drinks, feel buzzy and fearless, and want to go out on the town, and invariably the tiles. The first one hooks me and the next few start to free from my worries, anxiety, and responsibility and in their my confidence, bravado and ego would make an appearance. I would want more and more, becuase all of a sudden, this state of mind is where I needed to be. And the only way to reach and increase this 'Super' me was by drinking another, and then another, and then...well you get the idea.
With every drink my care of myself and of others would dissapate. Work the next day didn't matter because that was the next day and in a drunken state I would be able to tackle that head on when it arrived. My fears for the future would turn into incredible successes - some of the plans that I came up with in my head when I was pissed would make Richard Branson look like a used car salesmen. My worries of the past didn't matter, in fact, they were character building and made me the man I am today! And don't forget the man I was that day was a drunk man,
And don't get me started on people that 'pop out for a quick pint' and literally just have one pint! What's the point? The first pint never touched the sides. The initial few gulps would take me to a half a pint left, and that meant that the pint was as good as finished so I would be fumbling around for change to buy the next one. I was so eager to get to that state of mind, the enjoyment of the drink and the sociable aspect around would actually just pass me by.
And if the people around couldn't keep up, i would go and find people who could, invariably fresh meat that hadn't heard my incredibly witty, hilarious and risque anecdotes, and who wouldn't judge me for drinking a shooter with every pint.
I would disappear from my own social circle and wake up in a strange bed or an uncomfortble couch, and come up with a plan of how I would explain my actions to the loved ones I had deserted the night/ days before.
That behaviour played out so many times, I can't tell you...hundreds would be a dreadful underestimation...thousands would be more accurate.
And when I wasn't actually drinking, I was thinking about it - the next drinking session couldn't come to soon.
Towards the end, my self worth could only be found in a bottle.
'Normal' drinkers stop to keep control, I drank to lose control because I could control fuck all when I was sober.
It starts with the first drink, everything else just follows. Thats why one is too many, and thirty never enough.That's why I cannot drink again. I'm allergic to alcohol. If you are allergic to peanuts, or shell fish or anything, you stop eating them. I cannot drink. All the above happens when i do!
There is so much more that I can point to that makes me an alcoholic, but this hopefully gives you an insight into the effect/ cause of alcohol has when it enters my system. If you are concerned by the identity you can make with the above, then perhaps you need to ask a few more questions, perhaps speak to someone who know more about the subject, maybe contact Alcoholics Anonymous...it could be the best thing you ever do!