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How the self-saboteur takes over during holidays

Updated on December 19, 2012

Baking for others relaxes me

Stop the self-saboteur

How to spot your self-saboteur during a holiday season?

We all have the self-saboteur, and it will show its’ head throughout our life. It tries hard to get us to do something, which we know would harm us. The self-saboteur main objective is to bring us an instant solution that leads to happiness. Now you might wonder what is so wrong with this. It is actually offering you a Band-Aid affect, and not a long term solution. When we let our saboteur take control we often end up repeating an old lesson. It will not stop, until we can rise above our own self-cravings of instantly fixing our pain.

The holiday seasons often brings out our saboteur. We ache and crave what was familiar to us. This could stem from our childhood family, family with our spouse or just wanting to not spend the holidays alone. This season, December’s holidays, I have noticed a big stir and pull with my own saboteur. It pulls daily, and often will awaken me in the middle of the night. My life has zero resemblance of my childhood, or my marriage. Living as a single widow, the holidays usher in the shadow side of this. It becomes a dilemma for me. The big empty bed, plus the chill that aches to the bone from my heart are all reminders of this pit of loneness. It seems to become more wide spread during the holiday seasons throughout the year. Many people will announce to me that they did not want to be alone for another holiday. Their disappointment shakes their own foundation, and the self-saboteur begins its road of reacting. I am sure this is represented of at least of few of you who are reading this. There are those who have a significant other who still feel this pain of being alone. Their mate does not give them what they feel they need. Besides intimate relationships, the let-down of how we assume our family should behave towards us is often expressed by many people. It is often an illusion in our minds of expectations that can never be met in real life. We live in a world of fantasy and high expectations just to fit our needs. These acts like a spring-board into choosing outlets that can only offer us more grief later on in our life. Some people will fall in love with another, creating an affair and cheating on their significant other. Others out of deep loneness will hook up with a person more out of lust than love, only to regret their new relationship. We might argue with our family, and words that can wound a person are often pulled out as weapons.

The self-saboteur in you is out big time if you recognize any of the above within you. How does one stop this saboteur? Simply you must not fall back into old patterns, which leads to reactionary decisions. One must learn to deal with the pain inside them. It is normal to feel emptiness, especially during any holiday season. You are out and about and you see people busy preparing for the holidays. There are couples all around, and do not forget all those commercials that drive home we need to be paired up. It is an everyday unsought of emotional blackmail thrown at us, and with our own hearts heavy we buy into those messages. As easy as it is to slide down that delusional slide, you can choose not to, and save yourself from waking up with the self-saboteur in full swing. Having it in total control will lead eventually to your own nightmare. Do you wish to experience this hell again?

Inner pain will not kill you. Please know that. Yes it has the effect of snuffing out the light within you, and all you can see is disarray, but if you embrace this darkness (fear) and move throw it, you will come out happy again. The holidays are not an excuse to mess up your life. Do not permit it. You can stop it. There are a couple methods that I do use with success.

1. I do not dwell on it to others. The reason for this is my thoughts are energy, and to have others add to this energy is not feasible. Even when I am sick I do not mentioned it, because I do not want a thought-form of good will people encircling me. People cannot help but to see us as we display ourselves. If we are emotionally, mentally or physically in pain that will be the picture they too will carry in their head.

2. I love pretty things, especially nature. Each day, I will seek nature, be it going outside, finding pretty pictures and making collages, or just sitting at home with a few of my treasure possessions. There is always beauty around us, we just need to shift our awareness and focus on beauty verses what we do not have.

3. I will constantly tell myself, make no major decisions until this holiday season is over. As a rule, when a holiday passes, my own life, as it is, looks pretty good to me. If there is something I wish to change, than I will set it up as a goal. An example of this is what do I want for an intimate relationship? I haven’t even made up my mind if I really want another, but in the mean time I am formatting what I do want, as well as what I will not tolerate. In doing this, I am ahead of the game, since I do not believe in changing someone to fit what I want.


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    • Violet Flame profile image

      Violet Flame 

      5 years ago from Auckland, NZ

      Awww dragons, elves, Merlin and fairy sparkles! The two of you must have had so much fun together! I am so glad you've got another dragon now that's all yours! And he must really love hogging the Christmas tree! I have a green dragon right here on my desk and he is saying a big great hi to yours! I've also painted three dragon portraits (out of the request of the dragons!) maybe one day I will write a hub for them so I could show them to you :-D Thank you for the joyful sparkles you spread into the world! Wishing you blissful joy surrounded by your loving magical friends xoxo

    • Renee Abbott profile imageAUTHOR

      Renee Abbott 

      5 years ago from Arizona

      My story is rather long, Violet flame, but one thing he I use to do was to put dragons, elves, Merlin statues under our tree. As you can tell we celebrated the Pagan way:). It was our Yule tree.

      A couple years back when I was deep into sabotaging, but learning some very important lessons, all my stuff was taken, including late hubby's and mine. This year a good friend sent me a dragon, and i put it under my tree. Dragon reminds me of hubby.

      I am also seriously known as the glitter fairy who just brings sparkles into everyones' life. I dont care what holiday the celebrate:). I just love spreading joy, which I do yearly, but get away with it easier during this season.

      Oh i love crystals and i pull out my tarot, coloring supplies, and clay...i just go to town. This year my daughter is at a big distance, so we wont spend together. We got too last year. I am fine alone or not, for to me everyday is a reason to celebrate:)

      Merry holidays to you, Violet Flame(love the name and practice it too) :)

    • Violet Flame profile image

      Violet Flame 

      5 years ago from Auckland, NZ

      Hi Renee, thank you for this heartfelt hub and the sharing of your valuable experience! I totally know what you meant about the saboteur, I've seen it in myself in the past and in the behaviour of others. The thing is, there is absolutely nothing wrong being on one's own whether or not it's the holiday season. Often then not it is the over saturated public media commercials that make us feel there's something wrong with us (like you nicely pointed out in your hub). Nowadays I pay it no heed. I've been divorced for 10 years now with no children. Being single for most of that time, I've spent plenty holiday season on my own. I must say it was very difficult at the beginning. And many times I have made hasty bad choices just so I could have someone in my life. Thankfully I've grown older and wiser and actually prefer my own company doing things I love. I have learned to view my aloneness as some kind of cherished freedom. Give myself pretty things every now and then. A flower, some shells, a pretty crystal... make something I like to eat and put on a great funny movie to laugh myself silly. I would also love to thank you for your answer to my question about spending time alone on Christmast. I would like to say more in the comment but the word limit was so small. I was actually wondering about the ritual you had with your late husband and if you could adapt that into a new meaningful ritual for you? Most of my immediate families are away overseas this holiday season, so I get to spend the entire holiday just with me and my cat! I am having a blast doing all the things I like to do, much like you. I am so grateful I have grown so much stronger emotionally over the last few years, much as you have. I would like to say a big cheer for the strong at heart, and a big Happy Holidays to you xoxo


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