How to Be More Persuasive
A Simple Rule
When it comes to interactions with others, the most important rule may seem also to be the most unlikely one, as we are about to see shortly. So it will take some elaborating to make it look logical and acceptable.
The rule is : You start affecting others the moment when you stop being affected by them. There is a two-way stream of energy flowing between you and the person you are interacting with. You can sense it if you really pay close attention, and this concept of energy exchange would become so much more clearer if you chose to read my other article "Will to Live with Subjectness in Guts". Let me give it to you in a nutshell, inasmuch as it is pertaining to interacting with others.
Basic Pair of Gut-Sensations
In our solar plexus energy center we are producing a pair of primordial sensations, which we share in that raw energetic form with other living beings. One is of a force stemming out of our personal space and feeling as will power, giving us a sense of doers, subjects - so I called it "subjectness".
The opposite one is a sensation of a force invading our personal space, that sinking feeling of submission in guts, that gives us a sense of being objects of some action or condition outside of us - hence the name "objectness".
There is something like "energy polarization" going on in solar plexus, as we accumulate impressions from life experiences that are predominantly making us either subjects or objects. Out of the ratio between those individually polarized sensations comes what I call our "emotional climate" - which greatly affects our interacting with others.
Dogs Can Prove It
As we minimize that sensation of objectness in our guts while facing others, they automatically experience the fact that their energy has little effect on us - at which point they only experience our subjectness.
It's all happening on a raw, almost animalistic level, and you can clearly see that effect going on with dogs or toddlers. You make your dog nervous and wanting to lead you, "because you need protection and guidance" if he experiences you as nervous.
Likewise, a toddler will also instinctively act nervous and out of control when she senses your nervousness. Imagine the havoc in kindergarten if those aunties didn't practice their non-judgmental, calm routine.
Also, the fact that doctor's behavior is so impressive is in this same lack of his being affected by the reason of your visit. Imagine, you come to him with some stomach pain, and he shouts : "Oh, my good, what did you eat?! How could you?!"
Guts Don't Specify
We are talking here about that "gut-feeling", and our guts have a primitive antennas, not distinguishing between all the specter of our negative emotions - so they translate all types of nervousness coming from you as your feeling of a "threat".
You may feel angry, or jealous, or sad, but the guts of another person sense it as your feeling threatened. That's a primordial categorizing felt by animals who can sense your caving into a submissive state.
While you are specifying to your friend how disappointed you are with yesterday's birthday party, her mind will get it as a disappointment, but her gut will get it as your feeling somehow "threatened and weak".
I have seen a pack of dogs that had for their "alpha" leader a much smaller dog. How did that dog become an alpha? The same way that the cat I saw on you tube scared an alligator and made him back up into the water - just by not feeling threatened by him and "attacking" him with paws. It's all about the energy, folks, all about that energy flow between living beings.
Being Non-Responsive Can Even Bring Rewards
Let me tell you a little story. In my native country military service was mandatory, and well, when my turn came, I didn't take lightly the loss of my civilian freedom - so I became a major problem to my captain.
But, you know what - some time after I got trained and promoted into a drill sergeant, I heard the "secret" behind it. They said: "If you would summon all problematic soldiers, you would notice those stripes on their sleeves".
Apparently, the reasoning being that in case of a war, those "rascals" would better lead and trick the enemy than a meek and obedient soldier. I hope you got something from this story. By showing to my captain that he was not affecting me much, I was affecting him.
Advantage of Calm Eyes
So, how exactly do we minimize that gut feeling of objectness, without taking a risk of being court-martialed, you may ask. Remember the rule? We start affecting others the moment when we stop being affected by them.
You can start with your eyes. Eyes are "the window of the soul", and for some reason that I could never understand, even animals and babies always look you in the eyes, these two small organs, insignificant by size comparing to your hands, which might be potentially much more of a "threat".
Starting with your eyes - never pierce with your glance, but rest your eyes on the eyes of the person, and try not to blink too much at moments of eye contact. Also, shifting eyes are a sign of nervousness and insecurity, and you don't want your person to sense that you are feeling uncomfortable. Give your eyes a soft and friendly look.
Good Posture Makes a Difference
Next, your posture will tell so much about that ratio of subjectness and objectness polarized in your guts. Cesar Millan, the "dog whisperer", is constantly saying how he is "retraining mostly the owners, not dogs".
Their confident, assertive and calm posture with straight back, chin up, regular breathing can make the whole difference between a calm and obedient - or a nervous and crazy dog. Something similar applies to human interacting.
You just can't positively influence a person if you are slouched, breathing in a shallow and rapid way or holding your breath, fidgeting while you sit, as if you would rather be somewhere else and doing something else than talk to that person.
In the Rule - "Affected" Pertains to Negative Only
Now, why is it important that you look so relaxed? One of the rules in the sub-science of hypnotism is that you have to make your object (I am opting for "object" over "subject") as comfortable as possible, because you don't want to trigger his defenses. As your relaxed behavior shows that you are not affected by his presence, you instantly produce more of objectness, more suggestibility in his guts.
Now, let's insert an amendment to that general rule about "affecting others by not being affected". Namely, the rule is about being affected "negatively" and doesn't cover instances of a pleasant exchange of energies.
If you are dating your sweetheart, or in all other pleasant encounters, of course, you will do your best to display being positively affected by their appearance - but again, only as long as that sinking feeling in gut is not present will you make a good chemistry. Come as a nervous wreck to a date, and no flowers and compliments will remove that impression from her guts about your being threatened by her presence.
Machismo Is Not Convincing
As I keep bringing dogs to the picture, I might as well mention that old adage : "A dog that barks doesn't bite". Which brings us to the example of a machismo behavior that is - opposite to expectations of a macho-man quite ineffective.
Coming too strong, raising voice, being overly loud, assertive, and imposing only triggers a defensive and resisting response in others, and makes them shut their minds and ears to all that noise.
Thus, it's a waste of effort and mostly a threat to the health of relationship to exert ourselves in attempt to convey a message. That trying too hard is not translated as subjectness but objectness, or a weakness by the gut of the other person.
Remember the role of Clint Eastwood in those western movies? Calm and cool like death he looked so much more effective than a fuming idiot threatening and warning and - well, kissing the dust, with Clint's gun still smoking.
No Verbal Assaults
If you want your influencing skill stretch over to a reputation, don't gossip. Gossiping over a time makes others stop taking you seriously, as you keep displaying that gut energy of "being an object greatly affected by others' behavior".
And if you want others to stop gossiping to you, the most effective way - other than rudely showing them the door - is to bring their attention to their objectness by asking : "Why is that bothering you so much?"
Talking about your reputation, once when you start practicing the rule, be ready - some smart asses who are jealous of your reputation will want to debunk it, trying to show to others that you are not all that cool. In that case, use what I am calling "mental judo."
Winning by Not Opposing
Judo, similar to aikido is a martial art discipline in which you don't use your own force but misdirect the force of the opponent to make him kiss the ground. The way I translated it to "mental judo", you don't offer resistance to your opponent, but exaggerate his remarks about you to the point where they lose all effect.
For example, someone trying to mock your forgetfulness should not be confronted with any defensive words, or words of hurt feelings. Instead, tell him something along these lines : "Of course I am forgetful, you didn't know that before? Actually I am so forgetful that it might mean Alzheimer's or something. What is your name again, sorry I forget? Boy, I wish I had your good memory. You probably never forget a thing."
Or, if someone keeps proving that they are smarter than you, just tell them calmly: "You got a pen on you? I want to give it to you in writing that you are smarter person than I". If others are present, they are bound to laugh at the offender, admiring your skill, and reaffirming your reputation.
A Reminder about Fair Use
Giving you all these little strategies of influencing others I didn't have in mind "having some power over them", and I hope that was obvious enough. It's all really about our effectiveness in productive constructive, positive forms of interacting with others and nurturing a good relationship.
It may help in establishing harmony with those who of themselves don't know how to contribute to it, so you may want to take things in your own hands and on energetic level initiate that chemistry between you.