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How to Self Advocate Properly
A Poor Confused Self-Advocate
Something that I have never understood about autism is how to self-advocate for the things I need without upsetting other people. The way that my autistic brain wants to self-advocate is often not in a way that the neurotypical world understands.
I used to try asking people at the state level and at non-profit levels nicely for interventions that I felt crucial to my development as an autistic person. The longer time went on though, the more frustrated I became and that led me to get aggressive with my advocating.
After just simply asking nicely did not work for me I started to think that I had to be more demanding in my advocacy efforts. This led for me to threaten violence against myself sometimes. I have been well known to send emails to a chain of people in which I feel have the power to create or modify my autism services to help me to find the best possible outcome that I can find for my autism.
Somehow, I thought if the people saw I was going to harm myself they would see the importance of the therapies and interventions that I was asking for and they would begin to allow me to try those therapies and interventions.
I truly never had any intentions of harming myself, but I thought that is what the decision makers wanted to hear to provide me with the therapy I needed. For years I kept trying to come up with all kinds of ways to hurt myself and punish myself to get Medicaid to understand that I needed a dating coach or a sexual surrogate to help with my autism. To this day they still do not understand what I need.
Sometimes I would grow even more frustrated and, so I would start saying mean things about the people in charge of Medicaid and the Autism Society of America because I felt that they had the power to help me and the power to change the autism services we get. I would start saying that I thought they were bullying me to try and get them to see how much pain I was in and how bad I needed the interventions I was asking for.
When that didn’t work I started saying that I thought the people in charge of Medicaid and the Autism Society of America’s children were bullying me because their parents were bullying me. Deep down I obviously didn’t believe that but deeper down I felt that saying something like that would finally be the thing that got them to see what it was I truly needed to live with autism.
That still didn’t work. Those forms of self-advocacy make perfect sense in my brain only because they said no when I asked them nicely for the services I felt would help me best. Deep down I feel there must be something I can do that will get them to understand my viewpoint on how I think dating coaching and sexual surrogacy will help me with my autism, but I am not in a place where I am going to let it bother me or get me to feeling down about myself any longer.
I have decided to try and let up on the advocacy efforts some because I really don’t understand what kind of advocacy they are looking for or how to approach advocating in a way that they will understand. I guess I must be strong and sort of give up on the things I feel help me best and focus positively on the things that are being done to try and help me.
One of the goals I am working on right now in my personal life is to simply try and see and understand how things we are doing in my treatment plan might help with my autism even though I may not feel that they are helpful with my autism. It is hard for me to understand other ways or approaches to what helps me with autism or what could help me with autism because I am so fixated on this one way of solving my issues associated with autism. People think I tend to block out any other ideas and that is not true I just haven’t found the other ideas to be as “feel good” as my idea for intervention meaning that the idea I have makes me feel so much better and the other ideas have not done so yet.
I think maybe the best way I can continue my self-advocacy journey with autism though is to continue writing articles, books and blogs. I think maybe if there is someway for me to get someone to understand then just maybe they would understand by accidentally reading this blog.
I know that it is about getting the right person to understand but also, I may not need them to understand since I am working hard on controlling my own thoughts and feelings. Maybe I don’t need what I thought I needed. Maybe I don’t need a dating coach. Maybe I don’t need to experience sex. Right now, all those things are still very hard to grasp for me but maybe I will be okay in my life without having a girlfriend or without experiencing an intimate sexual experience.
I need to love me and accept me regardless of the autism services I am or am not getting. I must make myself feel good and be happy. I am in control of my life and I must find ways to be happy even if I cannot get the services I feel I need for autism. It is about being positive and seeing the light of day and covering up the darkness of night.