How to Set Goals You Will Actually Achieve By Releasing The Blocks That Hold You Back
Since you are reading this article there’s a good chance you have unfulfilled goals, and that you would like to change that. Maybe you have tried several times to set goals and follow through, but it’s just not happening and you feel disheartened. Perhaps you feel like giving up.
Please don’t. I know how you feel, and I know it can get better. A year ago if someone had suggested I could write an article on achieving goals I would have thought they were a little crazy! For years I avoided even setting goals for many reasons, all of them spurious.
My spurious reasons for not setting goals are similar to the reasons most people don’t achieve goals. This article will introduce you to ways of uncovering your own spurious reasons and releasing them. The ideas in this article are my interpretations of The Sedona Method’s goal process.
The Sedona Method’s approach to goals is different to any other process I’ve come across. Yet, it also works well with other goal processes, making whatever technique you already use more effective. Using these practices has vastly changed my success with goals, and if it can do that for me, it can do so for anyone!
Achieving Goals Can Be Fun
Before we move on, let’s consider these questions:
What makes you want to achieve your goal?
What do you think achieving your goal will give you?
These may seem like silly questions, but really, why do you want a fast car, ten thousand dollars, the figure of a supermodel, or a head for figures?
Introducing the “Wants”:
Lester Levenson, whose discoveries inspired the Sedona Method, identified basic wants that drive us. (Various other systems identify similar drives.)
According to Lester Levenson the wants are for: control, approval, security, separation and oneness.
What is your ultimate goal in life? I’m guessing it’s much the same as mine: happiness, fulfillment, inner peace?
Often we want to prove something to others or to ourselves, and think we will do that by achieving our goals. But if you feel the need to prove yourself, you don’t feel good enough as you are right now, and no amount of achievement can give you that. There are brain surgeons who feel fulfilled and peaceful, and brain surgeons who are miserable, just as there are street cleaners who are happy and others who are not. So happiness and fulfillment do not come from what we do but from how we feel about what we do. In other words, it comes from within.
If you find this a little hard to accept, think of Elvis Presley, Amy Winehouse or Marilyn Monroe. All had phenomenal material success that did not bring them happiness or self esteem.
The Wants Identified by Lester Levenson
Control – want to change things, but feel unable to? That’s wanting to control.
Approval – wish people respected you more? Feel unloved and unwanted? That’s wanting approval.
Security – worrying about your job, or health? That’s wanting security
Separation – wanting to stand out, to be the best, or maybe just to avoid people? Wanting Separation.
Oneness – wish you felt like you belonged? Want to merge with others, or with life? That’s wanting oneness.
Achieving goals may not make you feel good enough, but feeling good enough usually makes it easier to achieve goals.
With the Sedona Method you use a material goal as a catalyst to bring to awareness any beliefs and feelings that are currently preventing you from feeling whole and complete exactly as you are.
There is no beating yourself for not achieving, and no forcing yourself to push on through hell or high water. Instead achieving goals begins to feel like fun!
As you release feelings and desires, you may achieve your goal – or you may find that you no longer feel driven to pursue it. Either way you will be happy, which is, after all, the reason you wanted to achieve the goal in the first place!
Did I hear you say, “This all sounds interesting, but I don’t fully understand it? An example would be good."
Your wish is my command!
Let’s say your goal is to lose weight.
Is this because:
1) you’d like to wear a bikini or swimming trunks on the beach in the summer,
2) you are afraid your excess weight is damaging your health?
Answer (1) suggests it’s likely you are driven by a desire to get others' good opinion of you (wanting approval).
Answer (2) suggests it’s likely you are driven by a desire to feel safe (wanting security).
There’s nothing wrong with either desire. As we’ve already seen, these are basic human wants shared by us all.
So you don’t have to get rid of the want. The chances are you’ve been trying to do that for years, while simultaneously clinging on to it.
This comes about because we often hold conflicting beliefs. One way to recognise if you are both holding onto a belief or want and trying to get rid of it is to check if you feel a sense of inner push-pull about your goal. Another way to recognise it would be you have started a project full of excitement but then find yourself holding back. Inner conflict makes it very hard to move freely into action.
To make this a little clearer: in the example above, if you want approval but think you shouldn’t, you might tell yourself you don’t care what others think about your appearance, only to find yourself preparing for a night out with friends by desperately trying to squeeze yourself into a pair of jeans several sizes too small.
Or have you ever had a fear of something, say spiders or mice, and told yourself your fear is silly and tried to make yourself stop being afraid? Can you see that with that there is a push-pull feeling? That’s because of conflicting wants.
How most people think you need to be to achieve goals
Don't "should" yourself
I want to say that it’s easy when reading articles like this one to think that you should be doing what the author says, and shouldn’t be making the mistakes she points out. If you have recognised yourself in the examples above and are now feeling guilty, please know that
(a) you have done nothing wrong
(b) almost everyone else either feels the same way or has done so in the past.
How does the Sedona Method help with these conflicting desires, and what do these have to do with goals?
Instead of trying to force yourself to change, or berating yourself for having a hidden motive for your goal, with the Sedona Method, you welcome all the feelings, thoughts and images that arise when you think of or read your goal.
What, you mean I’m supposed to welcome these awful feelings?
Yes, and no. First, you’re not supposed to do anything. But if what I’ve written so far seems helpful, then keep reading. Welcoming a feeling, thought or desire doesn’t mean you will hang on to it forever. Nor does it mean you act on the desire or feeling.
Welcoming simply means you acknowledge whatever is there and don’t judge yourself because of it.
We have the thoughts and feelings we do in an attempt to protect ourselves, and welcoming is really a way of acknowledging that, and of accepting what is here right now. It also leaves the way open for what is here right now to change in the next moment, whereas resisting means we get caught up in a struggle that keeps alive the very feeling we want rid of. Resisting what here is right now means that your energy is directed into that trying to change what has already happened, instead of onto taking action to achieve your goal.
Here’s a real example from my own life of how to approach goal setting the Sedona Method Way.
First, as with most goals processes, write the goal in the present tense, and in the positive. Include how you would like to feel in your goal. I’d like to feel at ease so I include the word “easily”.
Goal: I easily complete the first draft of my novel by the end of January.
Now notice your reaction:
My first thought is, “Fat chance!” I feel tense, and a sinking sensation comes in my gut.
I welcome that. This may seem counter intuitive, but as I do I feel better, more relaxed. The goal actually feels possible. I remember how much I enjoy working on my novel, and feel eager to get back to it after having had a break.
I think about my goal again, and doubt surfaces, along with a thought: “I’ll fritter time away and never be able do it.” The image that comes to my mind is of me on January 31st, having done nothing and feeling disappointed.
I welcome that. As I do, I spontaneously breathe out, and relax. I see now that the thought and image are old habits, just part of the old-fashioned way of trying to use fear to force change (wanting control, and wanting approval.)
Now I realise that perhaps my original goal could be unrealistic and part of an old habit of trying to compensate for what I believed to be lack of drive by pushing myself. (Remember that push-pull we looked at before? It’s now easy to see that these conflicting beliefs have been holding me back.)
I see that a more realistic goal would be to complete the first draft by the end of February. That way I leave time for other projects, such as writing articles on Hubpages or working on learning more about Search Engine Optimisation. I also now notice that the original goal was creating a sense of feeling rushed, which made it hard to focus on the task in hand. I feel much calmer now, and more confident that I can work towards my goal.
Notice that throughout this process I didn’t try to figure out what was the best thing to do, but a solution showed up as I welcomed. This is a major aspect of The Sedona Method, that instead of spending hours weighing up pros and cons, which usually results in feeling caught in a loop, we welcome feelings and our minds naturally become clearer.
It may seem counter-intuitive to welcome so-called negative feelings or wants that hold us back, but the moment we do so our emotional state goes from negative to positive. The very act of welcoming is an act of courage and creates acceptance, and in a state of courage or acceptance we are able to move forward easily to reach our goals.
The original book, which contains all the basics of the Sedona Method, and includes the goals process.
Further reading and resources
This article is a very brief summary of one way of using The Sedona Method. The process can be applied to many other areas of life besides goals. For more information read The Sedona Method, by Hale Dwoskin, or visit the Sedona Method Community Forum. This is a wonderful free resource where coaches and others experienced in the technique support those who are new to it. Hale Dwoskin frequently appears on it to answer questions.
The Sedona Method. (I can't provide the link to this site because HubPages' bots considers it to be Clickbank, so until it has been manually checked, the address is: community.sedona.com/forum.php (and insert http:// before that address.)
Here's are some more hubs on Setting Goals by hubbers Sharyn's Slant, RealHousewife, and Melbel
10 New Year’s Resolutions for LETTING GO & MOVING ON by Sharyn's Slant
10 Professional Goals to Boost Your Career! by RealHouseWife