How to deal with a hangover
So you've got a hang over! Tut, tut, tut. What were you thinking? Ah, that's it, you weren't thinking. You forgot about thinking the second that forth beer went down and the shots of Sambuca were handed round.
You vaguely remember something about a club, tripping over, falling out a taxi and eating a kebab but beyond that you have no memory, nada, zip. So right now you're probably asking yourself what day it is, why you are in bed with a sheep and, most importantly, how do you deal with the earthquake going off in your head?
Well my friend you've come to the right place. If you follow these top tips you will soon find your hangover a thing of the past... just like your dignity when your friends tell you exactly what you did last night!
One for the road?
Top hangover tips
1. Eat before bed. Your body is coping with a tonne of toxins coursing through your veins. It is running low on fuel. Your actions have caused it to go into semi melt down. You need to give it a re-boot and thanks to the cunning human ability to eat food you are able to do just that.
Try to eat/scoff some heavy bread based food down your Gregory. Shoe horn a bit of turkey, maybe some beef or chicken in there too along with some accompanying relish. Make sure not to include cheese or spices mind or you may have problems in the night.
Alternatively you can also consume a pizza or kebab. Each has its benefits. Just make sure you're fairly full so your body can start processing that lard when you pass out (in about 30 seconds).
Obviously if you're waking up and reading this article for the first time you may have omitted to take care of point 1. All I can say is next time try and remember it as it should help a lot. For now though let's move on to see how else we can help cure that incessant pounding.
2. Drink plenty of water. As a hardened drinker I am now fully versed in the ability of water to rescue me from the depths of hangover hell. I try to down at least one and a half pints before bed. I also take two jug fulls to put next to the bed and leave a smattering of glasses nearby so I can grab whatever is handy when I wake up in odd positions.
So long as you can keep re-hydrating you're giving your body a great fighting chance to beat the hangover before it envelops your brain in a fog of lightning and uber horse hoof kicking. If you're able to drink a pint of water during your drinking session this will also help keep the wheels oiled and functioning. Although if you're a frat boy/under a certain age I realise this can lead to social pariah status so just glug what you can when you pass the rest room sink.
3. Sleep it off. I can't stress this one enough. If you're going to get over your hangover you must give yourself time to sleep it off. Yes your body will annoyingly wake up early. And yes you probably should go to work but the fact is if you can get back to sleep you will feel a 1000% times better when you finally rise.
Hopefully you have an understanding boss who will allow you to catch up the hours missed when sleeping in. Argue the fact you would have been unproductive had you gone in during the morning. Now you can at least tackle your inbox with a semblance of ability. If your boss isn't so enlightened then you're just going to have to call in sick or get a new job because right now you need to deal with the hangover and that means sleeping. It should be your sole focus in life... well at least for the next 2 or 3 hours.
4. Cover eyes with a t-shirt. Trying to sleep when it's light can be difficult. Trying to sleep when it's light and you've got a big one behind the eyes is even tougher. As such reach for a t-shirt, place lightly over the eyes and return to dozing.
5. Eat stodgy food. When you finally get up you will need to refuel once again. Check the cupboards to see if you have eggs, bacon, sausage, baked beans, bread and hash browns. If you do not then you absolutely MUST go to a cafe where they serve such things.
Take a pair of sunglasses to protect you from the glare of the sun on your walk/drive and sit yourself down in the confines of a booth. Order the above along with tea/coffee and make sure you have some water on the go as well. Consume all at a leisurely pace before paying and dawdling home for some more sleep.
6. Get cable/satellite TV. You will have needed to sort this one before but hopefully you have cable/satellite TV. It will come in handy as you look to wittle away a few hours with absolutely zero brain power. Documentaries are always good at this time as are reruns of old sporting events and/or cake making cookery shows. Basically anything you can watch with the look of a guppy fish on your face.
7. Hair of the dog. Finally if any of the above aren't working you're just going to have to face up to the inevitable and reach for a can of beer. It may turn some stomachs, it may even turn yours, but when all else is lost you are going to need to pop that can open and glug some of that hangover juice. Halfway through the can you should perk up a little. At the bottom of the can you'll be inclined for a second. By the end of the second can you'll wonder what all the hangover fuss was about and by the end of the third you'll be content to leave your hangover to be dealt with tomorrow.
Good luck with your hangover and may you live to fight another day.